- Mar 4, 2012
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When I was first saved, I was so on fire for the Lord. It was a total interruption to my life. Finding God was the last thing in the world that I or anyone who knew me would have expected. So I spent long, long hours alone talking to my new Dad, whom I called Grampa. I would write the things that poured out of my soul, dwelling on the new feelings I had, meditating on the love and mercy that God had shown in choosing me out of everyone, to call.
Nothing, and I mean nothing mattered to me anymore. I didnt care about career, about romance, about earth. I would just gaze off into the distant sunset and imagine what heaven is going to be like when it finally arrives, and how it would make that lovely sunset pale by comparison.
When I woke up each morning I lay there with my bladder burning for 3 hours because I couldnt force myself to get up until I read my fill of this new book and all the light that it brought to my eyes. Everywhere I went, I carried a Gideon New Testament in my sock, and I could hardly walk 50 feet before I had to stop, take it out and read some more! Then I would sigh like a school girl in love reading her boughs love note, hold it to my chest, and then tuck it away before continuing for another 50 feet.
I used to gaze up into the eyes of an older sister who was a mentor to me and ask her anxiously, Will I always keep my zeal? It was the only thing that mattered to me in life. She recounted horror stories of people who had begun just like me, but fell away into dead zones, not wholly wicked, but not on fire for the Lord, or even concerned with spiritual things anymore. One story she told me was of a young man who, in a fit of jealousy shot both his wife and her cousin, and was now in prison for life. No one knew what his spiritual condition was.
It put such a terror in me. Can that really happen to someone as zealous as I feel today? Is that really possible? How fearfully I guarded my heart in those days.
When the church began in Jerusalem it was the most beautiful thing, with whole masses being saved at once, and that fire just rolled and rolled as the Lord added to the church daily such as should be saved. Door to door they broke bread together. Daily they continued in the apostles teaching. They fellowshipped in the temple courts and gave it a newfound joy and fervor that had been unknown under the reign of the form of godliness legalism of the spiritually dead and judgmental Pharisees and Saducees and Lawyers. Everywhere they went, the disciples of Jesus glowed with something fresh and lovely that was contagious and enviable. There was joy, excitement, peace, love of course, and an intimacy with God as a Father that made people outside the circle wonder how they felt such a familiarity with this God of mount Horeb, hurling down thunderbolts, and shouting thunderous commands.
The same effect swept over the Gentile world as Paul carried the gospel to the former idol worshipers, once lost in superstition, fearful of upsetting yet another god under every table, behind every tree. So delighted by the knowledge of God that they would be found to spend all night hanging on Pauls word until one would fall asleep and fall out the window. Miracles were an every day thing as the congregations were filled with the Spirit of God and numerous gifts to minister to each other and to the lost as well.
Even the sorrows and tribulations of persecution, the losses of those who fell asleep in Jesus were not enough to dampen the fervent joy of His new believers. But at some point the Hebrew writer made the observation that things had begun to wane, for, in his words, Though now you ought to be teachers, you have need for someone to teach you again the elementary principles. He would have to exhort them to remember the early days.
Jesus would have to say to the Gentile church, Remember your first love. So clearly the honeymoon glow had faded; and while there were still many saints who retained the fire, character, and power of the Spirit alive, on the whole the church receded into a lukewarm soup that has often had to be rekindled by the Lords gracious visitations throughout the ages in different places.
I wonder if it is inevitable in a world where Satan is its god, always at war with the church and the Spirit of God. I dont doubt that it is. I dont doubt that it is just the nature of such a world. But at least, I dont think it has to be that way in our individual lives, although it has been true for me. One thing I noticed about the church down through the centuries is that the damage that persecution could not accomplish, seduction did, just as Samsons enemies had to resort to the alluring pleas of Delilah when violence proved futile.
It doesnt mean that we cant revive the fire, right here, right now, through prayer and confession. Give him no rest, says the Lord. Can we draw ourselves away from the business and cares of this life enough to show the Lord that we want it, that we value it more than anything? Soon this world will plunge into a darkness that makes what we called the Dark Ages feel desirable. Soon, the Lord will be returning for His chosen ones. I wish we could give him something worth returning for, something ablaze with love and zeal for Him. Just one last flame, not the entertainment weve grown comfortable with, or the relaxed state of complacency in us being content that we are at least going to heaven in the end.
Dont get me wrong. Im not complaining or criticizing. Im really just dreaming of the zeal I left behind, and the vision that the church was in the beginning. I dont think condemnations achieve it. They just make us despondent with guilt. I just hope we havent ceased to dream and ask.
Nothing, and I mean nothing mattered to me anymore. I didnt care about career, about romance, about earth. I would just gaze off into the distant sunset and imagine what heaven is going to be like when it finally arrives, and how it would make that lovely sunset pale by comparison.
When I woke up each morning I lay there with my bladder burning for 3 hours because I couldnt force myself to get up until I read my fill of this new book and all the light that it brought to my eyes. Everywhere I went, I carried a Gideon New Testament in my sock, and I could hardly walk 50 feet before I had to stop, take it out and read some more! Then I would sigh like a school girl in love reading her boughs love note, hold it to my chest, and then tuck it away before continuing for another 50 feet.
I used to gaze up into the eyes of an older sister who was a mentor to me and ask her anxiously, Will I always keep my zeal? It was the only thing that mattered to me in life. She recounted horror stories of people who had begun just like me, but fell away into dead zones, not wholly wicked, but not on fire for the Lord, or even concerned with spiritual things anymore. One story she told me was of a young man who, in a fit of jealousy shot both his wife and her cousin, and was now in prison for life. No one knew what his spiritual condition was.
It put such a terror in me. Can that really happen to someone as zealous as I feel today? Is that really possible? How fearfully I guarded my heart in those days.
When the church began in Jerusalem it was the most beautiful thing, with whole masses being saved at once, and that fire just rolled and rolled as the Lord added to the church daily such as should be saved. Door to door they broke bread together. Daily they continued in the apostles teaching. They fellowshipped in the temple courts and gave it a newfound joy and fervor that had been unknown under the reign of the form of godliness legalism of the spiritually dead and judgmental Pharisees and Saducees and Lawyers. Everywhere they went, the disciples of Jesus glowed with something fresh and lovely that was contagious and enviable. There was joy, excitement, peace, love of course, and an intimacy with God as a Father that made people outside the circle wonder how they felt such a familiarity with this God of mount Horeb, hurling down thunderbolts, and shouting thunderous commands.
The same effect swept over the Gentile world as Paul carried the gospel to the former idol worshipers, once lost in superstition, fearful of upsetting yet another god under every table, behind every tree. So delighted by the knowledge of God that they would be found to spend all night hanging on Pauls word until one would fall asleep and fall out the window. Miracles were an every day thing as the congregations were filled with the Spirit of God and numerous gifts to minister to each other and to the lost as well.
Even the sorrows and tribulations of persecution, the losses of those who fell asleep in Jesus were not enough to dampen the fervent joy of His new believers. But at some point the Hebrew writer made the observation that things had begun to wane, for, in his words, Though now you ought to be teachers, you have need for someone to teach you again the elementary principles. He would have to exhort them to remember the early days.
Jesus would have to say to the Gentile church, Remember your first love. So clearly the honeymoon glow had faded; and while there were still many saints who retained the fire, character, and power of the Spirit alive, on the whole the church receded into a lukewarm soup that has often had to be rekindled by the Lords gracious visitations throughout the ages in different places.
I wonder if it is inevitable in a world where Satan is its god, always at war with the church and the Spirit of God. I dont doubt that it is. I dont doubt that it is just the nature of such a world. But at least, I dont think it has to be that way in our individual lives, although it has been true for me. One thing I noticed about the church down through the centuries is that the damage that persecution could not accomplish, seduction did, just as Samsons enemies had to resort to the alluring pleas of Delilah when violence proved futile.
It doesnt mean that we cant revive the fire, right here, right now, through prayer and confession. Give him no rest, says the Lord. Can we draw ourselves away from the business and cares of this life enough to show the Lord that we want it, that we value it more than anything? Soon this world will plunge into a darkness that makes what we called the Dark Ages feel desirable. Soon, the Lord will be returning for His chosen ones. I wish we could give him something worth returning for, something ablaze with love and zeal for Him. Just one last flame, not the entertainment weve grown comfortable with, or the relaxed state of complacency in us being content that we are at least going to heaven in the end.
Dont get me wrong. Im not complaining or criticizing. Im really just dreaming of the zeal I left behind, and the vision that the church was in the beginning. I dont think condemnations achieve it. They just make us despondent with guilt. I just hope we havent ceased to dream and ask.