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Is it good to try to change spouses?

razzelflabben

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Sometimes I think its my job to tell them what they are doing wrong and what they should be doing to be right.
In scripture, (Ephesians 5) we see that the goal of marriage is the righteousness of the bride through the righteousness of the husband.

We further see this in the roles of marriage, where the husband is to be the head and the wife is to submit.

Therefore, the husband "changes" the wife through a living example of godliness, he demonstrates the Love of Christ, every day, in every way, while the wife "changes" the husband through the pure, reverent, gentle, quiet spirit she lives in submission before her God and her husband. In these roles lies a unity in which no man can break, and when we follow this scriptural teaching, what we discover is that both of us change, both of us become more Christ like.
 
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GMullins

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In scripture, (Ephesians 5) we see that the goal of marriage is the righteousness of the bride through the righteousness of the husband.

We further see this in the roles of marriage, where the husband is to be the head and the wife is to submit.

Therefore, the husband "changes" the wife through a living example of godliness, he demonstrates the Love of Christ, every day, in every way, while the wife "changes" the husband through the pure, reverent, gentle, quiet spirit she lives in submission before her God and her husband. In these roles lies a unity in which no man can break, and when we follow this scriptural teaching, what we discover is that both of us change, both of us become more Christ like.


I can honestly say that I tried to change my wife by telling her all the wrong she was doing and telling her how it should be corrected. Not until I took a step back and noticed all my wrongs and started to change myself did my wife... well my entire household start to change.

So I would say no its not right to try to change someone, change yourself pray they will follow.
 
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razzelflabben

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I can honestly say that I tried to change my wife by telling her all the wrong she was doing and telling her how it should be corrected. Not until I took a step back and noticed all my wrongs and started to change myself did my wife... well my entire household start to change.

So I would say no its not right to try to change someone, change yourself pray they will follow.
amen
 
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Odetta

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I am guilty of attempting to do this, and it never works. Just creates stress in the relationship. I have learned that I need to accept him as is, and if there is change that needs to happen, God's got to be the one to change his heart.
 
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tall73

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Sometimes I think its my job to tell them what they are doing wrong and what they should be doing to be right.


It depends. Is it something morally wrong, or just something you do not like? From your question it sounds like something morally wrong.

You have to choose your battles. I do think big, repeating issues do need to be addressed, and I expect my wife to address them when I do them as well.

Continually nagging on lots of little things turns folks off. However, sometimes ongoing character issues need to be addressed.
 
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JCLover779

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I think, generally, no. For the most part, people will change when they want to, not because someone told them to. Or, if they do change for someone else, it may not last.

But you can pick your battles. Sometimes people need help and they can't see it. I think we need to go into those situations very carefully, with a LOT of prayer, and continual examination of our own motives.

A friend of mine recently had to bring in help for her alcoholic husband. He had relapsed. He couldn't, and wouldn't, do it on his own. She had to help him change.
 
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CounselorForChrist

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For some reason because I am sleepy I thought this meant literally change spouse.. like change them for someone else. LOL. I was so confused!

I don't think people need to change their spouse. However I'm sure there are times when you should change things. Like if spouse has a spending problem and you are going into debt or something. Aside from such situations theres no need to change them. Then again as we get older we become harder to change anyways.
 
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Messy

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For some reason because I am sleepy I thought this meant literally change spouse.. like change them for someone else. LOL. I was so confused!

I don't think people need to change their spouse. However I'm sure there are times when you should change things. Like if spouse has a spending problem and you are going into debt or something. Aside from such situations theres no need to change them. Then again as we get older we become harder to change anyways.

^_^ I thought that too, now I get it.
 
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LinkH

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I think it's appropriate to encourage one's partner to improve. But on the other hand, if you love your husband or wife, you are going to accept him or her, too. 'Be content with such things as ye have' is also an important principle.

If you are encouraging someone to improve, encouragement is the key word. That means not subjecting your partner to a constant stream of criticism, not criticizing over small things, and also affirming good things about your partner.
 
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akmom

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Upon reading the title, I also thought it meant switching wives (or husbands) with another couple.

I'm still not sure if you meant trying to change your own spouse, or offering unsolicited advice to married peers.

As for your own spouse, I think encouraging improvement (and reciprocating) is okay. But you can't fundamentally change a person. It bothers me so much when people marry a person, seemingly randomly, and then complain about all the qualities they don't have (and never had), as if they are entitled to them. If you have a problem with someone, whether a good trait they lack or a bad trait they have, and it is something that matters to you, then don't marry them! So many people "settle" for someone because they have some qualities, then expect to get the rest over the course of marriage. It's ridiculous. If a person was just what you wanted when you married, and change for the worse, it's possible to go back and fix those characteristics. But if they never had the characteristics to begin with... good luck.
 
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Ana the Ist

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My wife had trust issues when I met her and they continued on into the first year or two of our marriage. I knew they weren't an aspect of her character, that she was inherently mistrusting...because she had and did trust others quite easily. It was part of the damage done to her in her previous relationship...her ex had repeatedly broken her trust over and over again. It had become more and more ingrained in her mind over those three years that she couldn't trust the guy she was with. To say that this distrust bled into our relationship would be putting it mildly...I could tell some stories that seemed insane at the time and now are just funny.

So obviously, since I love her and want our marriage to work, I wanted to resolve these trust issues. Her behavior was this: become angry and hold it inside, explode at me with some baseless accusations when I tried to find out why she was angry, then stew in her anger when I refused to admit to whatever wrongdoing she mistrusted me for. I wouldn't apologize for anything I haven't done...though I will apologize for mistakes I make. This would aggravate her. If I became angry at her accusations, it was if I were adding fuel to the fire. So here's what I did...

First, I had to make sure she had no reason to distrust me. No secret email accounts, no locked boxes, no hidden anything. I wasn't doing anything I shouldn't have so this wasn't really hard...but it was important for her to know I had no secrets to hide. Second, when I sensed she was angry at something...I made her explain it. Instead of getting angry at her, or telling her how crazy the accusations sounded, I simply told her how much it hurt that she didn't trust me. I let her know that I knew it was because of what happened to her in her past...and that I'd help her get through it. I told her I'd earn her trust if it took the rest of my life. Then I'd usually leave the argument there...I'd ignore her if she still tried to fight about it. If she calmed down, I'd go back to spending time with her...giving her my love and affection.

It only took a little while before she really turned the corner. She realized that all the time she spent angry at me was wasted and only hurting me and herself. She realized it was all about her insecurities and nothing to do with anything I did. She ended up letting her guard down and opening herself up to being hurt by trusting me...instead of just not trusting me and expecting the worst every time.

She trusts me completely, as I do her. We hide nothing from each other, yet neither of us feel the need to snoop into phones or emails or anything really. When she realized how much she'd changed, how I'd helped her, she almost cried because of how much better it was to trust each other instead of the fear, anger, insecurity, guilt, and all the other awful things that came along with the mistrust. We even joke now about some of the things she used to accuse me of and get mad over...though I think she's a little embarrassed about some of them.

So the point here is that it's not necessarily bad to try and change something about someone, but be sure of the reasons you do it. I didn't want my wife to trust me so I could get away with things I shouldn't be doing...I wanted it to stop hurting her, and me, and our marriage. I wanted her to be happy, and I knew that couldn't happen without trust.
 
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ImaginaryDay

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Sometimes I think its my job to tell them what they are doing wrong and what they should be doing to be right.

There's a post in the married men's personal topics you might want to check out.
 
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Ana the Ist

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Ana the Ist.....what a great example of building trust and security into a marriage. Way to go!

Well thank you!

I like posting in this section, because I love my wife and my marriage and I certainly don't mind sharing any of that with anyone. Any marriage or even relationship will run into trouble. ..whether it's caused by the couple or not. I think this is a great place to draw on each other's experiences because we all face similar problems and someone with an outside perspective can really help. I'd like to think one day maybe a post of mine would help someone on here in their life.

If anyone can take anything from my post, I'd like to think it's that to facilitate that positive change, you need patience...it cannot be forced. The person has to want to change. That, and don't add to a negative situation with more negativity. Patience, understanding, compassion, love...and communication... can cut right through anger, sadness, insecurity and fear.
 
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JCLover779

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Well thank you!

I like posting in this section, because I love my wife and my marriage and I certainly don't mind sharing any of that with anyone. Any marriage or even relationship will run into trouble. ..whether it's caused by the couple or not. I think this is a great place to draw on each other's experiences because we all face similar problems and someone with an outside perspective can really help. I'd like to think one day maybe a post of mine would help someone on here in their life.

If anyone can take anything from my post, I'd like to think it's that to facilitate that positive change, you need patience...it cannot be forced. The person has to want to change. That, and don't add to a negative situation with more negativity. Patience, understanding, compassion, love...and communication... can cut right through anger, sadness, insecurity and fear.

I think that is going to happen with your posts. I've seen some of the things you have written.

People like you are exactly why I came here in the first place - I was hoping to learn how to improve my own situation from stories people shared about theirs. We all need help sometimes getting though, and we can all be of help sharing how we worked things out in our own minds, hearts, and actions. I agree with you on positive change requiring patience - in ourselves and in others. And even for the times when change can take place in an instant, it still takes lots of time and patience to make those changes permanent.
 
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