Is it appropriate for your BFF to be friends with your spouse?

[LaMandaRaye]

I'v had this discussion before, and some spouse's do not think it's appropriate for their BFF to be best friends with their husband/wife or to even speak to each other if they are not present in the room. They think it's a gateway to cheating. Do any of you feel this way?

I don't have any experience with married couples, but I do with those who are dating. My ex BFF used to invite me over to hang out with her and her boyfriend, I noticed that whenever I spoke directly to him, she would answer for him always. Or if she got up and left the room to go to the bathroom/kitchen all eye contact would cease, he would not speak or make any kind of eye contact. He never did anyway, sometimes when I spoke directly to him he would have his head down. Just strange. I found the entire sitaution very weird and stopped hanging out with her when the boyfriend was present. It was childish and made me very uncomfortable.

I know most couples are not this extreme but I was wondering if you would think it would be inappropriate for your spouse to be on the phone with your best friend of the opposite sex carrying on a long conversation with them. Do you think it's disrespectful?

 

[ciaradawn]

I don't think it's disrespectful for a bff to be friends with your husband, but there are boundaries that should be respected.

My husband talks to my friends on the phone sometimes. And sometimes when she comes over I even leave the room. GASP! I don't have any reason to be suspicious.

I do not think that it's innapropriate, but if you're catching side glances or feeling uneasy about it then that's another thing entirely. I think if something makes you uncomfortable you should say something to your spouse. Excesively long conversations might make me uncomfortable if they happened on a regular basis.

That situation with your friend and her boyfriend is just weird. Relationships like that make me uneasy as well.

 

[snoochface]

I think if you can't trust your best friend and your spouse to even speak when they are in the same room together without you, then you a) need a new best friend, and b) have absolutely no business being married.

 

[waxlion10]

I have a married friend whose husband spent more time with their mutual friend, a girl, than he did with his own wife. In fact, because my friend and this girl look kinda similar (slim build, blond hair, same height) some professors and administrators on campus last year thought he was married to THE GIRL, not my friend!

My friend was devastated, even though there was nothing going on between her husband and this friend. Just the thought of them sharing more time because they had emptier schedules and them hanging out alone made her sad.

It depends upon the situation, but based on my experience (which is very limited), it's ok to be friends with your spouse's friends as long as your spouse does not feel neglected, belittled, threatened, or uneasy in any way. Everyone should respect everyone else's wishes, feelings, and comforts, imho, with the marriage definitely coming before the friendship.

But for goodness sakes, to forbid them to even speak to each other? Wow. That shows me extreme insecurity right there.

 

[LaMandaRaye]

No, the guy is not shy at all. I saw him with his friends and he was rather outgoing.

My ex BFF was very insecure anyway, and would accuse him of cheating whenever he hung out with his friends so I am pretty sure that she instructed him to keep the conversation limited with me.

I've had this discussion with other women, and they feel that their BFF and husband should have nothing to say to each other if they are not around. That if they see each other on the street while she isn't present, just say hi, and nothing else. No long talks , smiling, joking or anything. Some women are just that way. I just want to know if other married people feel this way because I don't want to be friendly with someone's husband and then the wife causes drama

 

[Adamantium]

I think if you can't trust your best friend and your spouse to even speak when they are in the same room together without you, then you a) need a new best friend, and b) have absolutely no business being married.

Annnnd.....Snoochface hits another one out of the park!

Then too, the whole "bff" thing is a bit immature in my opinion. Have friends, by all means. But once you are married, your spouse, and not your childhood friend, should be your closest confidant.

I think there's nothing wrong with going out for coffee or chatting on the phone with your pals. And having a group of people you socialize with together is excellent. It's even ok if sometimes only one of you goes to hang out with this group. But married people should have their spouse as their primary focus.

 

[Adamantium]

As for it's appropriate, I'd say (at least for me), it's not only appropriate, it's idylic. I'm great friends with a woman, and equally great friends with her husband. It's fantastic. We all go out together all the time, we talk to eachother all the time, we just have a ton of fun. It makes the friendship between me and my female friend better.

Right.

There are three couples we socialize with regularly. Just last night, the husband half of two of them was at our house for a few hours. Both my husband and I entertained them. In fact, we played a game. Now and then just the woman will come over. Or only one of us will go to the house of one of these couples. And of course we all go out together sometimes too.

 

[Rebekka]

What does BFF stand for?

 

[ciaradawn]

What does BFF stand for?

"best friend forever


I think that women who put rules on their SOs like that about who they can talk to are going to end up unhappy in the end; and their SO will probably resent them for forbidding them to talk to certain people. It's childish.

 

[snoochface]

What does BFF stand for?

Best Friend Forever. It's an acronym that usually starts around the second grade and is left behind by sixth grade, but recently in America it has become common to use it well into adulthood. We have Paris Hilton to thank for that.

 

[Ryanswife]

My personal opinion is that married couples are better off not having friends of the opposite sex. Better to be safe than sorry.

 

[Rebekka]

"best friend forever

Thanks for clarifying - never heard of the term. Wow! I'm not as committed to my friends as I am to my husband. I'm committed to my husband forever, but I would never speak of my friends in such terms. Also, my husband is my best friend.

I used to refer to someone as my best friend, but that was in primary school. And I never added "forever" to the epithet.

 

[LaMandaRaye]

My personal opinion is that married couples are better off not having friends of the opposite sex. Better to be safe than sorry.

So if your spouse had a BFF from childhood than he should cease all contact with her?

 

[Ryanswife]

That is what I would want him to do. Trust has been broken in our marriage so my stance is a little different on this one than it may be for another.

 

[Oblivious]

I think that women who put rules on their SOs like that about who they can talk to are going to end up unhappy in the end; and their SO will probably resent them for forbidding them to talk to certain people. It's childish.

It's okay to be married and have friends of the opposite sex. Just because you're friends with someone of the opposite sex doesn't mean you'll eventually sleep with them. If you have that little self control that you can't handle opposite sex friendships then you really have no business being married in the first place. Same goes for those who dictate whom their spouses can and can not be friends with.

 

[Ryanswife]

Most of my friends growing up were male and when my husband and I married he did not want me to be friends with them anymore. I didn't mind because he was more important to me. Different strokes for different folks.

 

[moonkitty]

Best Friend Forever. It's an acronym that usually starts around the second grade and is left behind by sixth grade, but recently in America it has become common to use it well into adulthood. We have Paris Hilton to thank for that.

I find the whole "BFF" silly. Anways I always think "Big Furry Feline" when ever I see BFF. LOL.

I have a close friend who I've known for 19+ years. I guess she is my "BFF" (roll eyes) and I have trusted her and my hubby to go out to the movies together while I and her hubby said home and played games with the kids. (It was a movie that only the two of them wanted to go see.)

 

[Rebekka]

I find the whole "BFF" silly. Anways I always think "Big Furry Feline" when ever I see BFF. LOL.

I love big furry felines. And my big furry feline Ada is actually my best* friend forever.


BFF to me sounds like someone vomiting.






*but my husband is, too.

 

[Hadassah]

I'm with the older ladies

We have mutual friends, and our singleton friends are busy with their lives and just not hanging out with us very much. Both are persuing relationships with some really nice ladies, and are busy with work and schooling. They live away from us now so their time is otherwise engaged but we do call and keep in touch.

Our mutual friends that were witnesses at our wedding and best man/videographer are over every Thursday, 6pm for dinner unless something comes up. Hopefully once their baby's here, we'll go over there for a while and help out

We are almost like brothers and sisters at this point we're together so much... but honestly our spouses are our confidantes more than each other. We have a great time together and discuss issues with becoming new parents and how that can change our relationships with our spouse and growing in that role, but it's certainly nothing like our relationship was before when we all were just dating.

I don't have friends of the opposite sex. I find it is problematic at best.

 

[ciaradawn]

My personal opinion is that married couples are better off not having friends of the opposite sex. Better to be safe than sorry.

If that's cool for both parties then that's great. Good for you, but if I have a male friend I will not cease being his friend because I'm married, and I would never ask the same of my husband. There are boundaries that we both respect, but I think it's healthy to have friends of the opposite sex. If you don't want your spouse having opposite sex friends I think there are bigger issues.