Is happiness a choice when you are Bipolar

[Crystal~Rose]

I've heard it said that happiness is a choice, that life is what you make it. If this is true why does it seem such a difficult task. Even in my closest walk with God I carried the deepest of discontentment at times reguardless of circumstance. Of course this was before I was Dx: and was recieving no treatment. But even still I find myself unable to be content a good part of the time. How can I choose not to be affected by people and problems. Physically things happen in me that I have no power over. When the pressure is on I shut down and there is no switch I can find to turn that around. I get headaches, I cant sleep, and cant stay awake when I am required to function, work, upkeeping the house etc, I cry, eat too much or not at all, my IBS flares up and I cant keep myself out of the restroom, I withdrawl, have anxiety attacks, start missing work and not caring at all, become irritable, discontent and desperate.
Do I have a choice over these things that seems to engulf my life? Am I choosing to be miserable. Or is this part of this disorder which I have little control?
I am told by family and friends to push through it, suck it up and force myself to move forward, it seems I am incapable at times. Is that a cop out as many suggest?

 

[lemonflavor]

Don't get me started. I have always hated these sayings. Happiness is a choice, fake it til you make it, act happy and you will eventually be happy. If it were a choice wouldn't we have made it by now? Do they think we want to be depressed and enjoy wanting to die?

Maybe I'm being too angry. Maybe these things work for some people. Some may be bitter and can choose not to be. Or some of the other things the Bible speaks out against. But for those of us who are truly ill, this kind of stuff can be really aggavating, especially when spoken to us as words of advice.

 

[Alive again]

When i faced a similiar question, I had to realize there are some things I can choose and some things I can't. For example, I can't choose whether to have this illness or not and what my symptoms are.

But I can choose to fight my symptoms and look for warning signs and triggers to make adjustments to try and avoid the "worst" of this illness-sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

Can I choose to be happy if I am in the depths of depression, not usually, but I can choose not to kill myself (at least so far)

One thing that helped me to understand was the difference between joy and happiness. It took a word study in the Bible for me to gain a deeper understanding fo these two terms and God's plan for them in my life!!!

Blessings and prayers!

 

[Crystal~Rose]

When i faced a similiar question, I had to realize there are some things I can choose and some things I can't. For example, I can't choose whether to have this illness or not and what my symptoms are.

But I can choose to fight my symptoms and look for warning signs and triggers to make adjustments to try and avoid the "worst" of this illness-sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

Can I choose to be happy if I am in the depths of depression, not usually, but I can choose not to kill myself (at least so far)

One thing that helped me to understand was the difference between joy and happiness. It took a word study in the Bible for me to gain a deeper understanding fo these two terms and God's plan for them in my life!!!

Blessings and prayers!

I'll have to study that myself thank you for sharing.

 

[wonderwaleye]

Dear LuvinJC4ever

WRONG MEDS!!!

MAYBE WRONG DOCTOR!!!

I hope you haven't given up and given in.

Life for a bipolar can be good!!!

After a long struggle with different meds I have now had a good life for over 4 years.

ALWAYS REMEMBER:

“ Believe “ in Greek is a verb and has three components which are: hearing, accepting, and then acting ( COMMITING ) upon that which you have accepted.

X Even though you can't see him, GOD is there!!! O
( click on the x and drag to the O ) ( then see who is with you ) steven

 

[Crystal~Rose]

Dear LuvinJC4ever

WRONG MEDS!!!

MAYBE WRONG DOCTOR!!!

I hope you haven't given up and given in.

Life for a bipolar can be good!!!

After a long struggle with different meds I have now had a good life for over 4 years.

ALWAYS REMEMBER:

“ Believe “ in Greek is a verb and has three components which are: hearing, accepting, and then acting ( COMMITING ) upon that which you have accepted.

X Even though you can't see him, GOD is there!!! O
( click on the x and drag to the O ) ( then see who is with you ) steven

I havent given up or given in, atleast not yet! You may be right about the meds thing I dont know for sure. I am to see my therapist today for the first time in 4 weeks maybe that'll help.
let me clarify that the unhappiness I speak about isnt all the time, just when I am stressed, have marital issues which is very often and it seems when things arent right and comfortable I cant shake how deeply affected I am. I feel like I am pulled in every direction and the demands are pileing up all around me and there just isnt anything left of me to go around. I have difficulty managing all my responsibility, and with little support and mostly criticism here at home there is no safe place to retreat for me, except here. What a difference it would make here at home if what I am thats good was recognized not all that I am not. My husband and I were separated for 6 months and he has back for 4 weeks I've cried more in 4 weeks than I have in 6 months. The meds seemed to really help when I wasnt under so much pressure, when the cancer of deep emotional pain wasnt raging within me. I dont know how to choose happiness when I am in so much emotional turmoil, and when there is so much on my plate that I dont know where to begin.

 

[Alive again]

Praying for you and walking a similiar road right now. My hubby told me this week that he stays in our marriage to pay pennace. . .The emotional pain is hard to deal with. God is reminding me that I need to worry about pleasing GOD, not everybody else that I fill my hectic day with trying to make everything work out, be at peace, whatever.

To get back to the basics of not focusing on what others think and wish and want, but to what God wants for me and how to please him. I gey suckered bnack into those unhealthy patterns so easily!

Praying!!!

 

[wonderwaleye]

Dear LuvinJC4ever


There is one thing I noticed about meds. They do not adjust to stress levels like the body normally does. They operate at a certain level.


It may well be you will have to take actions that don't allow your levels to go to high.


Hubby may need to get an apartment and visit when your feeling good and he can be good.


DO WHAT YOU MUST DO!!! AS CHOICE IS NOT AN OPTION!!!

EVEN IN THIS REMEMBER:

“ Believe “ in Greek is a verb and has three components which are: hearing, accepting, and then acting ( COMMITING ) upon that which you have accepted.
X Even though you can't see him, GOD is there!!! O ( click on the x and drag to the O ) ( then see who is with you ) steven

 

[Alive again]

For whatever reason I could not rep wnderwaleye, but his point is an excellent one!!!! Not everyone can or needs to adjust their meds with stress, but I am one who needs to up and down my meds carefully to accomadate stress and I always include my doc in these decisions. we have an agreement (DOc and I ) that I can notify her by phone and she will call back if she disagrees or has any input or concerns. Not all docs are willing to do this, but so far mine is.

 

[Crystal~Rose]

Praying for you and walking a similiar road right now. My hubby told me this week that he stays in our marriage to pay pennace. . .The emotional pain is hard to deal with. God is reminding me that I need to worry about pleasing GOD, not everybody else that I fill my hectic day with trying to make everything work out, be at peace, whatever.

To get back to the basics of not focusing on what others think and wish and want, but to what God wants for me and how to please him. I gey suckered bnack into those unhealthy patterns so easily!

Praying!!!

Dear LuvinJC4ever


There is one thing I noticed about meds. They do not adjust to stress levels like the body normally does. They operate at a certain level.


It may well be you will have to take actions that don't allow your levels to go to high.


Hubby may need to get an apartment and visit when your feeling good and he can be good.


DO WHAT YOU MUST DO!!! AS CHOICE IS NOT AN OPTION!!!

EVEN IN THIS REMEMBER:

“ Believe “ in Greek is a verb and has three components which are: hearing, accepting, and then acting ( COMMITING ) upon that which you have accepted.
X Even though you can't see him, GOD is there!!! O ( click on the x and drag to the O ) ( then see who is with you ) steven

For whatever reason I could not rep wnderwaleye, but his point is an excellent one!!!! Not everyone can or needs to adjust their meds with stress, but I am one who needs to up and down my meds carefully to accomadate stress and I always include my doc in these decisions. we have an agreement (DOc and I ) that I can notify her by phone and she will call back if she disagrees or has any input or concerns. Not all docs are willing to do this, but so far mine is.

I discussed these things with my therapist today who partners in a practice with my pdoc they work hand in hand with all their patients. At this time they do not feel this is a meds issue rather a home life issue. That basically I have 2 choices stay and endure or leave and move on. Being my therapist is well aware of all the difficultys here he did however explain that the depression I am feeling is not going to stop. He said asking not to be depressed in this situation would be like a hog in a muddy hog pen asking not to be muddy. So where does this leave me???? Stuck in a muddy situation!!!! I am not sure I have what it takes to endure, however I'm not sure I have what it takes to leave either. I have to think about more than myself and my happiness, I have 2 children I have to think about, one of which is severly emotionally unstable and requires alot of me that will not be available as I will have to work 3x's as much to barely make ends meet on my own, not to mention the custody battle I am in over my youngest son, whos father does not contribute financially at all even though court ordered. Either way my plate is too full and thinking about eitherr option is suffocating. As far as my husband getting his own place...NOT going to happen! He has stated hes given me far more than I deserve already. As far as God goes I have lost so much faith that I can no longer see his hand in anything anymore, often I feel abandoned yet I try so hard to hold onto the truth that I know, God is a fact..not a feeling. I cant feel him there anymore, nor do I recognize his leading. Please continue to pray for me, that his will is as obvious as the nonday sun. Thank youo all for Love, hope and acceptance

 

[minpinmom]

I get up every morning determined to find the joy in each day! Not to say I don't have to look hard some days! I can't always be happy but I can have joy! I wish all it took was to "buck up" and that is easy to say if you don't live with this beast called bi polar! Enjoy the good days and hang on through the tough ones. Boy do I find myself praying a lot through the hard ones! Hugs, Michelle

 

[Crystal~Rose]

I tired to make the best of today, reguardless of how sad and unhappy I felt. I did work today so if nothing else I am happy about that. I guess its a step towards not letting this destroy me. I cant say I feel happiness or even joy at all, but its a start.

 

[hummingbirdsings]

luvinJC4ever

I was diagnosed when I was just 20yrs. old. Since then I have made one attempt to die, several total breakdowns and have spent a life searching for the happiness. Sometimes I wonder where the happiness has been or even the maniac side because I sure don't have any of those, or at least I didn't think I did. My last breakdown was in Feb, 06 and I am just know starting feel alive again. I realized that I am in a maniac state right now. It is amazing but not like what I have read or seen in other people. Now my meds I think keep me level. Not great ups and definitely not bad downs. However I feel like I struggle with my lows all the time. I love Jesus and have been saved since I was 9. I often wondered why I have this and I came to the conclusion with a lot of prayer that GOD MADE ME PERFECT TO HIS WILL!! That is a big statement but I came to understand that he gives me only what I can handle and he can use me like I am. He believes in me, he loves me, and I am his. Now I will say those are very hard things to grasp when you are so down, you can not see the light. I know everything happens for a purpose. I just try to search for that and remember he only gives me what I can handle. He is here right with me all the time. Even when I am searching for answers. I know that happiness is a choice when you can believe but it is that joy I have in Christ, not happy go lucky. I don't like it when people tell me I can control it or I am seeking attention or I could change me. I know I can't it doesn't work that way. I even hear people say how can anyone try and kill themselves. I secretly know and it doesn't make us horrible people. I know what it is like to suffer, be distraught and angry. That is me, whether I like it or not. I must keep my head up and stay searching for signs of torture and manipulation of my own doings. Try to stop the madness before it drops all the way down. I knew this last breakdown was coming it just got there before I could intervene. My doc and meds are no longer a choice. This last time she told me if I stopped the meds again that there probably would not be a way to turn back. THat is scary, because I don't want to be there again and neither does my husband. I can thank God daily for my husband's understanding nature. He tries to help me hang on. He even now knows some of my symptoms. I will be praying for you and myself. I can only make it with His help. But you know it is great to know that I am not the only one questioning.

 

[Crystal~Rose]

luvinJC4ever

I was diagnosed when I was just 20yrs. old. Since then I have made one attempt to die, several total breakdowns and have spent a life searching for the happiness. Sometimes I wonder where the happiness has been or even the maniac side because I sure don't have any of those, or at least I didn't think I did. My last breakdown was in Feb, 06 and I am just know starting feel alive again. I realized that I am in a maniac state right now. It is amazing but not like what I have read or seen in other people. Now my meds I think keep me level. Not great ups and definitely not bad downs. However I feel like I struggle with my lows all the time. I love Jesus and have been saved since I was 9. I often wondered why I have this and I came to the conclusion with a lot of prayer that GOD MADE ME PERFECT TO HIS WILL!! That is a big statement but I came to understand that he gives me only what I can handle and he can use me like I am. He believes in me, he loves me, and I am his. Now I will say those are very hard things to grasp when you are so down, you can not see the light. I know everything happens for a purpose. I just try to search for that and remember he only gives me what I can handle. He is here right with me all the time. Even when I am searching for answers. I know that happiness is a choice when you can believe but it is that joy I have in Christ, not happy go lucky. I don't like it when people tell me I can control it or I am seeking attention or I could change me. I know I can't it doesn't work that way. I even hear people say how can anyone try and kill themselves. I secretly know and it doesn't make us horrible people. I know what it is like to suffer, be distraught and angry. That is me, whether I like it or not. I must keep my head up and stay searching for signs of torture and manipulation of my own doings. Try to stop the madness before it drops all the way down. I knew this last breakdown was coming it just got there before I could intervene. My doc and meds are no longer a choice. This last time she told me if I stopped the meds again that there probably would not be a way to turn back. THat is scary, because I don't want to be there again and neither does my husband. I can thank God daily for my husband's understanding nature. He tries to help me hang on. He even now knows some of my symptoms. I will be praying for you and myself. I can only make it with His help. But you know it is great to know that I am not the only one questioning.

hummingbirdsings nice to meet you
I appreciate you. I too am terrified to ever reach the low i did last year and all the signs are there. I will say that I have found myself praying more than normal and I can see some of the error of some of my ways, areas where I indeed am making a choice to be miserable. I am filled with so much anger and resentment that I dont know how to deal with and my heart is so guarded that I will allow myself to recieve little love for fear he will hurt me again. I see his effort yet it is not enough to assure me my heart is safe with him. My attitude isnt helping the home life maybe if I choose to keep myself in check things wont be sooo hard. I am only responsible and accountable for my own behavior. I cant change others but I can change how I choose to treat them. If nothing else at the end of the day I can be proud that I did the best I could to be better. Luv you all my dear friends thanks for being there in the times I flounder about.

 

[SUSIEJO68]

Praying for you and walking a similiar road right now. My hubby told me this week that he stays in our marriage to pay pennace. . .The emotional pain is hard to deal with. God is reminding me that I need to worry about pleasing GOD, not everybody else that I fill my hectic day with trying to make everything work out, be at peace, whatever.

To get back to the basics of not focusing on what others think and wish and want, but to what God wants for me and how to please him. I gey suckered bnack into those unhealthy patterns so easily!

Praying!!!

Oh Alive, It made me cry when I read what your husband said. I guess 'cuz I know where you're at, my hubby makes remarks occasionally. I know that it must be hard for those who have to live with us but like I tell my husband, at least he can go fishing all weekend and get away from it but it follows me everywhere 24\7 and I can never get away. I'll be praying for you!

And luvinJC4ever, I know what you're talking about, It's not that you're never happy, it's just even when you're semi-happy there is always this dark cloud up there looming over you. My husband told me just yesterday that he can't remember the last time I wasn't "in a bad mood". You just have to do whatever it takes to keep your sanity, married or divorced you're children need you, they come first. Then try to work at your marriage, has your husband ever talk with your counselor? Would he be interested in coming on these boards and just reading our posts about our lives, our families, and our struggles?
Anyway, we'll just keep on taking it one day at a time and leaning on Jesus cuz we know that family may leave us and spouses my leave us but He never will. I'll say a prayer for you tonight.

May God Bless us all!

~susiejo

 

[Crystal~Rose]

Oh Alive, It made me cry when I read what your husband said. I guess 'cuz I know where you're at, my hubby makes remarks occasionally. I know that it must be hard for those who have to live with us but like I tell my husband, at least he can go fishing all weekend and get away from it but it follows me everywhere 24\7 and I can never get away. I'll be praying for you!

And luvinJC4ever, I know what you're talking about, It's not that you're never happy, it's just even when you're happy there is always this dark cloud up there in you're blue sky. My husband told me just yesterday that he can't remember the last time I wasn't "in a bad mood". We'll just keep on taking it one day at a time and leaning on Jesus cuz we know that family may leave us and spouses my leave us but He never will. I'll say a prayer for you tonight.

May God Bless us all!

~susiejo

I hear that I never smile anymore quite a bit, I just feel worn out alot of time. I feel pretty good right now I hope it stays this way, the difference is...I'm not at home. At home its hard to escape the pain. Thank you all for your prayers. God bless

 

[SUSIEJO68]

luvinJC4ever

I was diagnosed when I was just 20yrs. old. Since then I have made one attempt to die, several total breakdowns and have spent a life searching for the happiness. Sometimes I wonder where the happiness has been or even the maniac side because I sure don't have any of those, or at least I didn't think I did. My last breakdown was in Feb, 06 and I am just know starting feel alive again. I realized that I am in a maniac state right now. It is amazing but not like what I have read or seen in other people. Now my meds I think keep me level. Not great ups and definitely not bad downs. However I feel like I struggle with my lows all the time. I love Jesus and have been saved since I was 9. I often wondered why I have this and I came to the conclusion with a lot of prayer that GOD MADE ME PERFECT TO HIS WILL!! That is a big statement but I came to understand that he gives me only what I can handle and he can use me like I am. He believes in me, he loves me, and I am his. Now I will say those are very hard things to grasp when you are so down, you can not see the light. I know everything happens for a purpose. I just try to search for that and remember he only gives me what I can handle. He is here right with me all the time. Even when I am searching for answers. I know that happiness is a choice when you can believe but it is that joy I have in Christ, not happy go lucky. I don't like it when people tell me I can control it or I am seeking attention or I could change me. I know I can't it doesn't work that way. I even hear people say how can anyone try and kill themselves. I secretly know and it doesn't make us horrible people. I know what it is like to suffer, be distraught and angry. That is me, whether I like it or not. I must keep my head up and stay searching for signs of torture and manipulation of my own doings. Try to stop the madness before it drops all the way down. I knew this last breakdown was coming it just got there before I could intervene. My doc and meds are no longer a choice. This last time she told me if I stopped the meds again that there probably would not be a way to turn back. THat is scary, because I don't want to be there again and neither does my husband. I can thank God daily for my husband's understanding nature. He tries to help me hang on. He even now knows some of my symptoms. I will be praying for you and myself. I can only make it with His help. But you know it is great to know that I am not the only one questioning.

I know what you mean about "that GOD MADE ME PERFECT TO HIS WILL!!", I have always believed ,although God didn't do this to me, that He could, can, and has used this to His glory. But I am to the point right now where even my spiritual life is suffering because of this (and other health problems). I really feel that if God doesn't heal me of this and fairly soon, I really don't know how much longer I can go on. Of course everyone here understands BPD and knows that tomorrow I may have the strength to endure forever, but right now.....well, not so much.
Also, my husband is an extremely strong-willed man, if it wasn't for his determination to stay married we would have been divorced along time ago. But even the strong are not much of a match for BPD and I am afraid that if I don't level out soon that our marriage won't survive.
So, here we all are, at this place, together yet alone, hoping tomorrow brings happiness or at the very least, not depression, anger, suicide or divorce.
As I go to bed tonight I will say a prayer for all my Brothers and Sisters (not only in the Lord but also in BPD) and their families that He will lead, love and guide us thru our trials and bring us out safely and together on the other side.
Good night and GOD BLESS!!!

~susiejo

 

[Crystal~Rose]

I know what you mean about "that GOD MADE ME PERFECT TO HIS WILL!!", I have always believed ,although God didn't do this to me, that He could, can, and has used this to His glory. But I am to the point right now where even my spiritual life is suffering because of this (and other health problems). I really feel that if God doesn't heal me of this and fairly soon, I really don't know how much longer I can go on. Of course everyone here understands BPD and knows that tomorrow I may have the strength to endure forever, but right now.....well, not so much.
Also, my husband is an extremely strong-willed man, if it wasn't for his determination to stay married we would have been divorced along time ago. But even the strong are not much of a match for BPD and I am afraid that if I don't level out soon that our marriage won't survive.
So, here we all are, at this place, together yet alone, hoping tomorrow brings happiness or at the very least, not depression, anger, suicide or divorce.
As I go to bed tonight I will say a prayer for all my Brothers and Sisters (not only in the Lord but also in BPD) and their families that He will lead, love and guide us thru our trials and bring us out safely and together on the other side.
Good night and GOD BLESS!!!

~susiejo

Wow it amazes me how much I have in common with so many. My relationship with God has become so empty not because he left but because I gave up because I coulnt feel him there anymore. I felt abandoned and along with my husband I threw them both into my crap pile of all the ones who let me down. I dont know why or how but I feel this stirring inside me to CHOOSE to get back what I have lost, to seek what I have hid from, to allow myself to be vulnerable despite my fears of being hurt not to trust myself or anyone other than God though I still cant feel him ther. Choose to believe again that his word is true, that He indeed has my best intrest in mind. Maybe I cant choose my moods, or my level of happiness. I can however choose to find what is there instead of whats missing, what is positive instead of what is negative. My attitude is my buisness, if I focus on my part maybe just maybe I will find peace within my soul. Is that gift not better than my definition of happiness. Peace that surpasses all understanding, is what I need the most. I pray we all find peace, that God and his love will be more real to us than ever before. I thank you all again for blessing my life with one thing thats hard to find in this life..unconditional acceptance. God bless, Crystal

 

[Alive again]

Wow it amazes me how much I have in common with so many. My relationship with God has become so empty not because he left but because I gave up because I coulnt feel him there anymore. I felt abandoned and along with my husband I threw them both into my crap pile of all the ones who let me down. I dont know why or how but I feel this stirring inside me to CHOOSE to get back what I have lost, to seek what I have hid from, to allow myself to be vulnerable despite my fears of being hurt not to trust myself or anyone other than God though I still cant feel him ther. Choose to believe again that his word is true, that He indeed has my best intrest in mind. Maybe I cant choose my moods, or my level of happiness. I can however choose to find what is there instead of whats missing, what is positive instead of what is negative. My attitude is my buisness, if I focus on my part maybe just maybe I will find peace within my soul. Is that gift not better than my definition of happiness. Peace that surpasses all understanding, is what I need the most. I pray we all find peace, that God and his love will be more real to us than ever before. I thank you all again for blessing my life with one thing thats hard to find in this life..unconditional acceptance. God bless, Crystal

Crystal, YOU are so right!!!! I have gotten there and then focused all my anger or disaapointment on someone else (usually my hubby) only to be riminded that my attitude is my job! May God strengthen you and give you wisdom and peace admist the storm!

 

[Crystal~Rose]

Thanks Alive again Hope you are having a blessed weekend