Is divorce ever okay in situations like this?

[timewerx]

Today at church during the preaching I feel as if I am being asked to die to self (not in the natural), to lay my life down for him as Jesus did for me, and love him more. Jesus says no greater love does a man have when he lays his life down for a friend. Jesus died for everyone even those who were abusing him. He didn't say Father forgive only the thief on the cross but also the ones who were against Him.

I think of Corrie Ten Boom and her ability to forgive the Nazi jailer.

Pray please that when he's mean to me I can keep my mouth shut, try to leave the room and hope he doesn't follow me to continue his tirade.

I read some notes last night of something I believe the Lord spoke to me sometime about 2 years ago more than once.

Like a lamb to a slaughter/Jesus did not open His mouth to His accusers - keep quiet (2 Peter 2:23)

When thinking that he my husband wasn't acting like a Christian - book of John - what's it to you, you follow Me. I will be responsible for my actions regardless of his, no excuse.

And last night when I was wondering why what Paul said about husband's prayers not being answered if he treats his wife wrong wasn't seeming to be happening with me, the Lord showed me like a parent can love many children equally, my husband is still His child and He loves him... a parent can still love a child who behaves badly

Please pray that I can walk I greater love. That His love will be a shield about me from the fiery darts of the enemy regardless of whom the devil uses. That the Lord will enable me to walk so much in His love that even my husband will notice a change for the good. That I would not try to defend myself verbally. That His love will be so evident in me towards my husband that my husband will know Jesus lives in me.

I have to be a doer of the Word and not just hear. No one ever said being a Christian and doing the right thing is easy. And I want to follow Jesus all the way.

There's a lot of false teachings about Jesus.

If one takes to carefully study the Bible Jesus did not die for everyone. There are even people He did not wish to be saved.

He even taught if someone does not accept you or your message, (which seems to clearly include persecution) leave them....

I don't wish to elaborate to avoid going off-topic but it's there in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. If you read it carefully, you'll find it there...

 

[CrystalDragon]

There's a lot of false teachings about Jesus.

If one takes to carefully study the Bible Jesus did not die for everyone. There are even people He did not wish to be saved.

He even taught if someone does not accept you or your message, (which seems to clearly include persecution) leave them....

I don't wish to elaborate to avoid going off-topic but it's there in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. If you read it carefully, you'll find it there...

Isn't the message of Jesus that he came to save everyone, and God desires all to be saved?

 

[timewerx]

Isn't the message of Jesus that he came to save everyone, and God desires all to be saved?

Perhaps not:

Revelation 22:11-12
Let the one who does wrong continue to do wrong; let the vile person continue to be vile; let the one who does right continue to do right; and let the holy person continue to be holy.12 Behold, I am coming quickly, and My reward is with Me, to give to each person according to what he has done

Mark 4:11-12
And He told them, “The mystery of the kingdom of God has been given to you, but to those on the outside, everything is expressed in parables, 12so that, ‘they may be ever seeing but never perceiving, and ever hearing but never understanding; otherwise they might turn and be forgiven.’”

Matthew 10:14
If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.

 

[Itsahappyday]

Are you trolling us? You come here to CF with textbook scenarios (in multiple threads) of increasing domestic abuse and then in the next breath it's all about blissfully ignoring that for some warped view of being a Christian and taking the abuse. You can get divorced, as per scripture.

Either you are here to see how far you can push things, seeing how many will agree with you (sadly a few already)- or you are truly in need of real help. You'll end up dead some day soon if any of this is real, I fear.

If your church is actually teaching you to take the abuse, then it is toxic. Get out of it too.

I had to look up the definition of trolling. I am not lying nor am I coming here to make people angry.

What I wrote happened. I have only written the truth. When he's upset it feels like hell on earth. But he's not upset all the time.

Nor have I been perfect. If I was then I could clearly say he's crazy and it's all his fault. I blame myself for not being neater, for being distracted a lot.....

I tried not to respond in the beginning but with time I became angry at the craziness of it all and respond back in kind at times.

I have no one I talk to about this but this online forum.

I just posted what I felt what the Lord was saying so that I people can pray for me, me to be and do the right thing in God's eyes.

When I die God won't listen to me blaming others for the way I behaved badly because of the way they treated me. Jesus said love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.

 

[Poppyseed78]

When I die God won't listen to me blaming others for the way I behaved badly because of the way they treated me. Jesus said love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.

Do you not see that you are basically saying that your husband is your enemy, that he hates you, that he curses you, and that he mistreats you? Is this what a marriage is supposed to be about? Were these the vows he took on your wedding day? Is this what you want the rest of your life to be like? Do you think you are honoring God by staying in the misery?

Also, you said you are disorganized and get distracted sometimes. That doesn't excuse your husband's behavior. If you had a daughter, and she told you that her husband treats her the same way yours is treating you, would you say she deserves it because she's messy sometimes?

 

[Itsahappyday]

Maybe I am distracted more than just sometime and can be irritating. He said I am intellectually lazy. That for things that I like I am focused, 100% on type of thing.

I suggested I might have A.D.D since not only him has noticed my distractedness and I have always been disorganized but more so before I was married but he doesn't believeit exists.

I am often late but my teen friends used to say that if they wanted me to be somewhere for example at 2pm, tell me 130pm.

I remember daydreaming in math class when I would look outside at the traffic in the distant highway. I used to daydream alot when I was young. At school subjects I didn't like I would doodle and not pay attention. Sometimes my marks midway and 3Rd term would be lower than first term ...but near the end of the school year I would crunch and study because I wanted to pass my year and not fail on my finals and I passed. Physics was one.

Reading is difficult as my mind wanders.

I spent last Thursday hours vacuuming, washing, dusting, cleaning our toilets in our 3 level home and last night he said he wants to call in the cleaning lady. I feel like it was a slap in the face.

I don't understand how everything seems to end up being my fault.

 

[seashale76]

Maybe I am distracted more than just sometime and can be irritating. He said I am intellectually lazy. That for things that I like I am focused, 100% on type of thing.

I suggested I might have A.D.D since not only him has noticed my distractedness and I have always been disorganized but more so before I was married but he doesn't believeit exists.

I am often late but my teen friends used to say that if they wanted me to be somewhere for example at 2pm, tell me 130pm.

I remember daydreaming in math class when I would look outside at the traffic in the distant highway. I used to daydream alot when I was young. At school subjects I didn't like I would doodle and not pay attention. Sometimes my marks midway and 3Rd term would be lower than first term ...but near the end of the school year I would crunch and study because I wanted to pass my year and not fail on my finals and I passed. Physics was one.

Reading is difficult as my mind wanders.

I spent last Thursday hours vacuuming, washing, dusting, cleaning our toilets in our 3 level home and last night he said he wants to call in the cleaning lady. I feel like it was a slap in the face.

I don't understand how everything seems to end up being my fault.

It's so depressing to watch someone that has been abused into believing that everything is their fault and that they can do nothing right. You're not going to listen to any of us here. You'll only get out when you decide you've had enough of the abuse you're subjected to daily. The mental gymnastics you're going through in order to justify his awful actions and to put yourself down is so very sad to see. It's not a cross you need to bear. Leaving your husband for your own protection and sanity is something you need to do.

 

[SPF]

Marriage was the first covenant that God made with man, it even precedes the law. Marriage is serious, and for the Christian, the only permissible reason to get a divorce is adultery. However, that being said - you are never commanded to remain in a physically dangerous situation. By all means. Leave. Run. Get out.

But divorce? To be honest, if you divorce him for abuse, then what you need to keep in mind is that just because you're divorced on paper does not mean you're divorced in the eyes of God. You won't be. And if you get remarried, then you'll be the one committing adultery. It's severe, yes. But marriage is not something God takes lightly.

 

[Rebecca12]

Get out. Leave your spouse now. And quit coming to this forum, which will give you confusing and contradictory advice and you will feel like you are accomplishing something when you are not. If you have no one to talk to call a domestic abuse hotline.

 

[essentialsaltes]

I think of Corrie Ten Boom and her ability to forgive the Nazi jailer.

Yes, that is exactly what your marriage is like. Get out.

lay my life down for him as Jesus did
Jesus died for everyone
Like a lamb to a slaughter
follow Me
follow Jesus all the way

If I understand Christianity correctly, Jesus suffered so that you don't have to.

When Christians are called to be 'like Christ' it is to follow his teachings, not to follow in his footsteps to death at the hands of enemies. Indeed, I think most Christians would consider it blasphemous to think your death would save anyone or anything. To think you are laying down your life for your husband in analogy to Jesus dying for you is blasphemous pride.

Get over yourself and your martyr complex. Get out of your marriage and your church, which are both harming you.

 

[Itsahappyday]

Yes, that is exactly what your marriage is like. Get out.



If I understand Christianity correctly, Jesus suffered so that you don't have to.

When Christians are called to be 'like Christ' it is to follow his teachings, not to follow in his footsteps to death at the hands of enemies. Indeed, I think most Christians would consider it blasphemous to think your death would save anyone or anything. To think you are laying down your life for your husband in analogy to Jesus dying for you is blasphemous pride.

Get over yourself and your martyr complex. Get out of your marriage and your church, which are both harming you.

You didn't understand what I said..... cause I never said I needed to die physically. Jesus said to pick up our cross daily.

Your last words were not very nice. I suggest you refrain from posting hurtful words to people who are in difficult situations.

Get out. Leave your spouse now. And quit coming to this forum, which will give you confusing and contradictory advice and you will feel like you are accomplishing something when you are not. If you have no one to talk to call a domestic abuse hotline.

I don't think it's your place to tell me to quit coming to the forum. I will talk to whomever I choose, where ever I choose. It is good to get different opinions and there are reasons why I don't have anyone I can confide in in my personal relationships other than online forums. But I only explain those reasons to those I choose.

Knowing people are praying encourages me and makes me feel less alone. Why would you want to take that away from me?

I think of any other woman in my situation or in one worse than me who posts prayer request hearing you say quit coming to the forum and call the hotline. ....it's not your place and you might make some other woman feel even more isolated than before.

 

[essentialsaltes]

You didn't understand what I said..... cause I never said I needed to die physically.

Maybe I didn't understand. I'm sorry. But I know you don't need to die metaphorically, symbolically, analogically, spiritually, mentally either.

 

[Dave-W]

If one takes to carefully study the Bible Jesus did not die for everyone. There are even people He did not wish to be saved.

That is a calvinist lie.

 

[Dave-W]

Isn't the message of Jesus that he came to save everyone, and God desires all to be saved?

Matthew 18:14 So it is not the will of your Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones perish.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.

2 Peter 3:9 The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.

 

[Khalliqa]

I am living with my husband blames me for the problems in our marriage.

He calls me stupid dumb lazy idiot pig etc...that I never amounted to anything. That even people who know me think I am dumb. That my family are losers. On so on. He says often people didn't want him to marry me but he did.

He often will say he prays for me.

I told him nothing will change unless he prays for God to change him, not me.

He calls me lesbian gay cause he says I am cold. It's hard to warm up when the day before he was calling me names or is rough to me.

Monday he was upset that the food was not ready. He said I was taking too long and that the kitchen was a mess. I usually clean as I go and also afterwards. Some things I had put into the dishwasher already, washed the pan but there were things on the counter. I was making his favorite soup as a surprise in addition to the regular meal. He expects it to be clean. I used to be very disorganized and messy but I am better now.

He starts calling me gay.....etc....idiot and other things to put me down.

So I got upset and threw the knife in the sink. He grabbed me by the collar of my sweater lifted it and we went backwards 5 feet. And he put his fist near my face. He thought he had torn my sweater but it was just the sound of the zipper going down as he twisted the neck.

I had a bruise on my hand trying I guess to remove his hand. My gold necklace broke and I had marks from the necklace on my neck on both sides. The marks left in about a half hour but I did take photos. The bruise on my hand is still sensitive.

He said if I could have scratched the sink or the knife could have bounced and hit him.

He wasn't in front of the sink but 2 feet to the left, same side I threw it from. But as we continued to argue he said he was in front.

He said if I touch the house again or damage it, he'll do it again. The house which he paid for and worked so hard is like children he has to protect. He said when I throw the knife or hit the counter in anger or slam a door example I become an enemy and he has to protect the house and will do it again.

I threatened to call the police but if I did I know it would be over. I wouldn't feel safe living here if I had and he would not want to work on it.

I know some people will say it's my fault cause I threw the knife in the sink.

It's the 2nd time he's taken my sweater and did that but I hit the surface of the bureau right before so I am probably at fault.

God hates divorce and what would people say about Jesus if they heard these things ? ?? They would scoff at our beliefs.

No one knows. Everyone thinks he's wonderful. And he can be so wonderful and caring. He's very successful and people think he's successful and intelligent. I would be so concerned about things being twisted to make me look bad if it came out.

Please if you respond to this, please be careful what you say to not make me feel even more stupid than I feel now and have been told I an.

It's not easy to leave when you are living in it. The hope of change is always there because it's not always 100% bad.

The marker of a healthy couple is that the relationship is absent of the desire to harm and/or the need to excuse any harm done to one another should it occur..

When you are being put down by someone you love.. it's natural to seek a place of comfort where you can restore your sense of self.. pride.. and worth.. But the truth is, at least it seems, like you'd prefer that from your husband.. rather than the strangers on this forum..

However, I think I understand coming to this forum to seek solace and hopefully advice..

Beyond that.. if you could be granted what you need for peace.. what would you say? What would resolve look like to you?

 

[Rebecca12]

I don't think it's your place to tell me to quit coming to the forum. I will talk to whomever I choose, where ever I choose. It is good to get different opinions and there are reasons why I don't have anyone I can confide in in my personal relationships other than online forums. But I only explain those reasons to those I choose.

Knowing people are praying encourages me and makes me feel less alone. Why would you want to take that away from me?

I think of any other woman in my situation or in one worse than me who posts prayer request hearing you say quit coming to the forum and call the hotline. ....it's not your place and you might make some other woman feel even more isolated than before.

You asked for responses to your situation and this was mine. I care about what happens to you and other women in your situation. My niece is dead because of an abusive stepfather. Did you hear that? She is dead. I do not take abuse lightly at all. I believe that the most compassionate response I could make to you is what I said to you. You need real life support and abused women resources like a domestic abuse hotline can provide you those resources for your locality.

 

[lisah]

I am living with my husband blames me for the problems in our marriage.

He calls me stupid dumb lazy idiot pig etc...that I never amounted to anything. That even people who know me think I am dumb. That my family are losers. On so on. He says often people didn't want him to marry me but he did.

He often will say he prays for me.

I told him nothing will change unless he prays for God to change him, not me.

He calls me lesbian gay cause he says I am cold. It's hard to warm up when the day before he was calling me names or is rough to me.

Monday he was upset that the food was not ready. He said I was taking too long and that the kitchen was a mess. I usually clean as I go and also afterwards. Some things I had put into the dishwasher already, washed the pan but there were things on the counter. I was making his favorite soup as a surprise in addition to the regular meal. He expects it to be clean. I used to be very disorganized and messy but I am better now.

He starts calling me gay.....etc....idiot and other things to put me down.

So I got upset and threw the knife in the sink. He grabbed me by the collar of my sweater lifted it and we went backwards 5 feet. And he put his fist near my face. He thought he had torn my sweater but it was just the sound of the zipper going down as he twisted the neck.

I had a bruise on my hand trying I guess to remove his hand. My gold necklace broke and I had marks from the necklace on my neck on both sides. The marks left in about a half hour but I did take photos. The bruise on my hand is still sensitive.

He said if I could have scratched the sink or the knife could have bounced and hit him.

He wasn't in front of the sink but 2 feet to the left, same side I threw it from. But as we continued to argue he said he was in front.

He said if I touch the house again or damage it, he'll do it again. The house which he paid for and worked so hard is like children he has to protect. He said when I throw the knife or hit the counter in anger or slam a door example I become an enemy and he has to protect the house and will do it again.

I threatened to call the police but if I did I know it would be over. I wouldn't feel safe living here if I had and he would not want to work on it.

I know some people will say it's my fault cause I threw the knife in the sink.

It's the 2nd time he's taken my sweater and did that but I hit the surface of the bureau right before so I am probably at fault.

God hates divorce and what would people say about Jesus if they heard these things ? ?? They would scoff at our beliefs.

No one knows. Everyone thinks he's wonderful. And he can be so wonderful and caring. He's very successful and people think he's successful and intelligent. I would be so concerned about things being twisted to make me look bad if it came out.

Please if you respond to this, please be careful what you say to not make me feel even more stupid than I feel now and have been told I an.

It's not easy to leave when you are living in it. The hope of change is always there because it's not always 100% bad.

Well, I would have to ponder this more . . . but . . . some of my thoughts . . .

If he is abusive and you stayed married and this led to your death, then he would be guilty of murder.

Some might say that if you divorced or left him, then you would be guilty of adultery on some level unless you both remained celibate. (or so say some)

But, you say it is not 100% bad. I suppose you could calculate the percentage of badness to goodness. (only you know that) Maybe weigh that against your own need for self-preservation vs self-sacrifice.


Although, emotional abuse can be devastating, physical violence would certainly be the end of it for me.

 

[Itsahappyday]

You asked for responses to your situation and this was mine. I care about what happens to you and other women in your situation. My niece is dead because of an abusive stepfather. Did you hear that? She is dead. I do not take abuse lightly at all. I believe that the most compassionate response I could make to you is what I said to you. You need real life support and abused women resources like a domestic abuse hotline can provide you those resources for your locality.

I just wanted to say truly how sorry I am for your loss of your neice. I can't imagine having to live through that. I pray that the Lord will comfort you and being healing andstrength.

 

[Nige55]

Itsahappyday, I'm so sorry for you, I so admire your courage and your attitude. I'm not sure I agree with some/many of the answers from the last few pages, and I guess it's hard to give a definitive answer without knowing you or your husband. One things for sure, wish I could give you a huge hug now and when those abusive times arise. Without wanting to give the usual cliche lines, - you are loved, you have a heavenly father that loves and adores you.
To me your husband is being a real Hypocrite, if people believe him for be a saved believer, and he's got the capacity to be so downright nasty, hurtful and abusive, he's not who he appears to be. I have seen some men saved who have anger issues, some really nasty guys, who have been changed entirely (some are still a work in progress), and rid themselves of their pent up anger and aggression.
This was the first thing that popped into my head -Colossians 3:19
Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

I know that it's easy for us all to be wound up by niggly things, and sometimes to blow things out of proportion. The name calling and belittling to me is a huge red flag, I know many here would disagree and say it's the physical stuff. To me, the physical stuff is born out of anger, the belittling is a reflection of how he thinks of you. Having said that, if you actually feel unsafe, get out of there, stay with a relative or friend.
He needs breaking, hitting zero, starting from scratch to be the husband to you that God intends him to be. He may never be that, in which case I would consider divorce. But like I said, I've seen many men horrified about the person/ husband they used to be, and God is the only source for them to be humbled in that way (sorry athiests !). Much love to you, take care and know you're loved.

 

[Nige55]

1 Peter 3:7
Husbands, in the same way, treat your wives with consideration as a delicate vessel, and with honor as fellow heirs of the gracious gift of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

Another one.