Is divorce ever okay in situations like this?

[Itsahappyday]

My husband doesn't believe in counselling.

If I told anyone it would be over because I would not feel safe being at home with him.

Every time I try to correct him or talk to him if I think he is doing something wrong he says it's the devil talking through me. What is that ? ????

Even now I found out he's been recording what's been happening too note form. But last December he threatened to divorce me told me to pack my things as we were arguing and was angry cause I wouldn't erase my notes.

Sad to say I don't trust him.

He looks at me with disdain at times, wonders how the Lord could have given him this wife then becomes all loving once we said sorry and then I am expected to behave as if nothing happened and be intimate even if I am not ready because he will take offence and get angry.

I am tired. I feel as if either I don't belong in this world cause I don't fit in or this world is turning out to be a place that I don't understand. Or that there might be something wrong with me.

At times I question the Lord and ask Him if He sees me the way my husband does, if He agrees cause my husband seems to think he is in the right so much. I have not heard him say the Lord told him to stop calling me names.

He said something along the lines as I am due for a humbling from the Lord cause I didn't agree with something someone did, I thought it was wrong.

 

[essentialsaltes]

Sad to say I don't trust him.

Although you've indicated that things have maybe improved, and it's certainly true that relationships can have their ups and downs, this is really an important thing to focus on.

It's important that any partnership, especially a marriage, be founded in mutual trust. You don't trust him, and it seems clear he doesn't trust you.

It's not impossible for this to be resolved happily, but your story already has enough warning flags and danger signals that I am worried for you. And I know I'm not alone here. Please seek out help and advice. The chaplains here have reached out to you, and you can also seek help in 'the real world'.

 

[Moral Orel]

As a un-believer, obviously I don't see a problem with you getting a divorce from an awful person.

But even from a Biblical perspective, which is likely what you're looking for, there's nothing wrong with a divorce, really. You just can't go and get remarried to someone else.

So there is no question that you can leave that relationship whenever you want.

 

[dayofgrace]

I am living with my husband blames me for the problems in our marriage.

He calls me stupid dumb lazy idiot pig etc...that I never amounted to anything. That even people who know me think I am dumb. That my family are losers. On so on. He says often people didn't want him to marry me but he did.

He often will say he prays for me.

I told him nothing will change unless he prays for God to change him, not me.

He calls me lesbian gay cause he says I am cold. It's hard to warm up when the day before he was calling me names or is rough to me.

Monday he was upset that the food was not ready. He said I was taking too long and that the kitchen was a mess. I usually clean as I go and also afterwards. Some things I had put into the dishwasher already, washed the pan but there were things on the counter. I was making his favorite soup as a surprise in addition to the regular meal. He expects it to be clean. I used to be very disorganized and messy but I am better now.

He starts calling me gay.....etc....idiot and other things to put me down.

So I got upset and threw the knife in the sink. He grabbed me by the collar of my sweater lifted it and we went backwards 5 feet. And he put his fist near my face. He thought he had torn my sweater but it was just the sound of the zipper going down as he twisted the neck.

I had a bruise on my hand trying I guess to remove his hand. My gold necklace broke and I had marks from the necklace on my neck on both sides. The marks left in about a half hour but I did take photos. The bruise on my hand is still sensitive.

He said if I could have scratched the sink or the knife could have bounced and hit him.

He wasn't in front of the sink but 2 feet to the left, same side I threw it from. But as we continued to argue he said he was in front.

He said if I touch the house again or damage it, he'll do it again. The house which he paid for and worked so hard is like children he has to protect. He said when I throw the knife or hit the counter in anger or slam a door example I become an enemy and he has to protect the house and will do it again.

I threatened to call the police but if I did I know it would be over. I wouldn't feel safe living here if I had and he would not want to work on it.

I know some people will say it's my fault cause I threw the knife in the sink.

It's the 2nd time he's taken my sweater and did that but I hit the surface of the bureau right before so I am probably at fault.

God hates divorce and what would people say about Jesus if they heard these things ? ?? They would scoff at our beliefs.

No one knows. Everyone thinks he's wonderful. And he can be so wonderful and caring. He's very successful and people think he's successful and intelligent. I would be so concerned about things being twisted to make me look bad if it came out.

Please if you respond to this, please be careful what you say to not make me feel even more stupid than I feel now and have been told I an.

It's not easy to leave when you are living in it. The hope of change is always there because it's not always 100% bad.

How does sweet and sour water pour from the same mouth?
This person you describe sounds unfaithful, first to the faith (As acting like an unbeliever) and second to you.

 

[FireDragon76]

What does "Doesn't believe in counselling" mean? Talking to somebody about your problems and getting advice or another perspective, that is all counselling is. If somebody is against that, that is a red flag. Either their pride or ignorance is on display.

Marriages aren't perfect, even people that love each other fight and can say hurtful things. But you aren't under any obligation to be a martyr.

 

[bhsmte]

What does "Doesn't believe in counselling" mean? Talking to somebody about your problems and getting advice or another perspective, that is all counselling is. If somebody is against that, that is a red flag. Either their pride or ignorance is on display.

Marriages aren't perfect, even people that love each other fight and can say hurtful things. But you aren't under any obligation to be a martyr.

Avoiding mental health professionals, is classic behavior for borderlines. If you do get them to go, they will demonize the therapist the minute they say something they dont like and if required, will search for another, always attempting to convince them, they are the victim.

 

[JCFantasy23]

You are a gift to your husband - when you stood before God to be joined in marriage, it was to be considered a special thing. You are a child of God and valued. God would not want a man breaking the vows of marriage and abusing you. That's wrong on so many levels - abusing you as a child of God, abusing your covenant together, and abusing the union. If you are abused, please do leave. Life is too short and self-esteem is too easily shattered, too long to regrow.

 

[seashale76]

My husband doesn't believe in counselling.

If I told anyone it would be over because I would not feel safe being at home with him.

Every time I try to correct him or talk to him if I think he is doing something wrong he says it's the devil talking through me. What is that ? ????

Even now I found out he's been recording what's been happening too note form. But last December he threatened to divorce me told me to pack my things as we were arguing and was angry cause I wouldn't erase my notes.

Sad to say I don't trust him.

He looks at me with disdain at times, wonders how the Lord could have given him this wife then becomes all loving once we said sorry and then I am expected to behave as if nothing happened and be intimate even if I am not ready because he will take offence and get angry.

I am tired. I feel as if either I don't belong in this world cause I don't fit in or this world is turning out to be a place that I don't understand. Or that there might be something wrong with me.

At times I question the Lord and ask Him if He sees me the way my husband does, if He agrees cause my husband seems to think he is in the right so much. I have not heard him say the Lord told him to stop calling me names.

He said something along the lines as I am due for a humbling from the Lord cause I didn't agree with something someone did, I thought it was wrong.

I've seen all of your prayer threads about this. You are in a very dangerous situation. You need to get out. If even half of what you're saying is true then it is abuse. End of. This individual has you dangling at his sadistic whim. There is nothing Godly about that man or anything good about your marriage. Your safety is important. Scripture allows for divorce. Again- make a plan and get out. Be careful.

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Are You or Someone You Care About in an Abusive Relationship?

 

[timewerx]

It's not easy to leave when you are living in it. The hope of change is always there because it's not always 100% bad.

How about taking a vacation? A little time off and away might change things for the better. Your husband might treat you better after.

 

[Poppyseed78]

How about taking a vacation? A little time off and away might change things for the better. Your husband might treat you better after.

I hope this was tongue in cheek, because this never happens. An abuser doesn't just turn nice. Abuse is a persistent pattern of behavior over a long period of time.

I completely understand having hope that he will change, having once been in an abusive relationship myself. But he won't. You can waste more years with him, or you can leave, move on, and rebuild your life. I recommend counseling at least for you so that you can work on improving your self-esteem. But in the end, a mean person is a mean person, and nothing will change that.

Trying to analyze his behavior, trying to change your behavior, trying not to enrage him, trying to keep him happy, none of that will work because he sees you as inferior to himself. He does not think you deserve better, and he thinks he has every right to treat you terribly. He has no reason to ever change, and nothing you do will convince him to. You can pray all you want about it, but it won't change him unless HE wants to change. And, unsurprisingly, most abusers do not ever change. It would be wiser to ask God to give you the strength to leave.

There will always be people who tell you to stay, to work it out, that divorce is a sin. But he has already broken his vows by not treating you with love and respect. God did not create you to be his punching bag. You deserve better. I hope in time you see that. You owe this man nothing. But you owe yourself the chance to be happier.

 

[Goatee]

Leave. Now!

God knows us as individuals. What is written in the Bible is by man. God knows 'YOU'. God knows your heart. LEAVE NOW.

 

[Earatha]

I am living with my husband blames me for the problems in our marriage.

He calls me stupid dumb lazy idiot pig etc...that I never amounted to anything. That even people who know me think I am dumb. That my family are losers. On so on. He says often people didn't want him to marry me but he did.

He often will say he prays for me.

I told him nothing will change unless he prays for God to change him, not me.

He calls me lesbian gay cause he says I am cold. It's hard to warm up when the day before he was calling me names or is rough to me.

Monday he was upset that the food was not ready. He said I was taking too long and that the kitchen was a mess. I usually clean as I go and also afterwards. Some things I had put into the dishwasher already, washed the pan but there were things on the counter. I was making his favorite soup as a surprise in addition to the regular meal. He expects it to be clean. I used to be very disorganized and messy but I am better now.

He starts calling me gay.....etc....idiot and other things to put me down.

So I got upset and threw the knife in the sink. He grabbed me by the collar of my sweater lifted it and we went backwards 5 feet. And he put his fist near my face. He thought he had torn my sweater but it was just the sound of the zipper going down as he twisted the neck.

I had a bruise on my hand trying I guess to remove his hand. My gold necklace broke and I had marks from the necklace on my neck on both sides. The marks left in about a half hour but I did take photos. The bruise on my hand is still sensitive.

He said if I could have scratched the sink or the knife could have bounced and hit him.

He wasn't in front of the sink but 2 feet to the left, same side I threw it from. But as we continued to argue he said he was in front.

He said if I touch the house again or damage it, he'll do it again. The house which he paid for and worked so hard is like children he has to protect. He said when I throw the knife or hit the counter in anger or slam a door example I become an enemy and he has to protect the house and will do it again.

I threatened to call the police but if I did I know it would be over. I wouldn't feel safe living here if I had and he would not want to work on it.

I know some people will say it's my fault cause I threw the knife in the sink.

It's the 2nd time he's taken my sweater and did that but I hit the surface of the bureau right before so I am probably at fault.

God hates divorce and what would people say about Jesus if they heard these things ? ?? They would scoff at our beliefs.

No one knows. Everyone thinks he's wonderful. And he can be so wonderful and caring. He's very successful and people think he's successful and intelligent. I would be so concerned about things being twisted to make me look bad if it came out.

Please if you respond to this, please be careful what you say to not make me feel even more stupid than I feel now and have been told I an.

It's not easy to leave when you are living in it. The hope of change is always there because it's not always 100% bad.

Yes. He is physically and emotionally abusive and it sounds like he's escalating. This is the step right before it gets very dangerous. The huge red flag is going up.

While the Bible only lists two reasons for divorce, I can't in good conscience tell you to stay with this man. I know some doctrines will encourage you to stay with him, but this is VERY dangerous. Is it worth your safety? Is it possibly worth your life?

 

[bhsmte]

I would hope, one's emotional and physical health, would take priority over how someone interprets what the bible says about divorce.

 

[Paul of Eugene OR]

Yes. He is physically and emotionally abusive and it sounds like he's escalating. This is the step right before it gets very dangerous. The huge red flag is going up.

While the Bible only lists two reasons for divorce, I can't in good conscience tell you to stay with this man. I know some doctrines will encourage you to stay with him, but this is VERY dangerous. Is it worth your safety? Is it possibly worth your life?

Jesus reminded us Moses allowed for divorce because of the hardness of men's hearts. His heart is hard enough. LEAVE!

 

[Itsahappyday]

Today at church during the preaching I feel as if I am being asked to die to self (not in the natural), to lay my life down for him as Jesus did for me, and love him more. Jesus says no greater love does a man have when he lays his life down for a friend. Jesus died for everyone even those who were abusing him. He didn't say Father forgive only the thief on the cross but also the ones who were against Him.

I think of Corrie Ten Boom and her ability to forgive the Nazi jailer.

Pray please that when he's mean to me I can keep my mouth shut, try to leave the room and hope he doesn't follow me to continue his tirade.

I read some notes last night of something I believe the Lord spoke to me sometime about 2 years ago more than once.

Like a lamb to a slaughter/Jesus did not open His mouth to His accusers - keep quiet (2 Peter 2:23)

When thinking that he my husband wasn't acting like a Christian - book of John - what's it to you, you follow Me. I will be responsible for my actions regardless of his, no excuse.

And last night when I was wondering why what Paul said about husband's prayers not being answered if he treats his wife wrong wasn't seeming to be happening with me, the Lord showed me like a parent can love many children equally, my husband is still His child and He loves him... a parent can still love a child who behaves badly

Please pray that I can walk I greater love. That His love will be a shield about me from the fiery darts of the enemy regardless of whom the devil uses. That the Lord will enable me to walk so much in His love that even my husband will notice a change for the good. That I would not try to defend myself verbally. That His love will be so evident in me towards my husband that my husband will know Jesus lives in me.

I have to be a doer of the Word and not just hear. No one ever said being a Christian and doing the right thing is easy. And I want to follow Jesus all the way.

 

[seashale76]

Today at church during the preaching I feel as if I am being asked to die to self (not in the natural), to lay my life down for him as Jesus did for me, and love him more. Jesus says no greater love does a man have when he lays his life down for a friend. Jesus died for everyone even those who were abusing him. He didn't say Father forgive only the thief on the cross but also the ones who were against Him.

I think of Corrie Ten Boom and her ability to forgive the Nazi jailer.

Pray please that when he's mean to me I can keep my mouth shut, try to leave the room and hope he doesn't follow me to continue his tirade.

I read some notes last night of something I believe the Lord spoke to me sometime about 2 years ago more than once.

Like a lamb to a slaughter/Jesus did not open His mouth to His accusers - keep quiet (2 Peter 2:23)

When thinking that he my husband wasn't acting like a Christian - book of John - what's it to you, you follow Me. I will be responsible for my actions regardless of his, no excuse.

And last night when I was wondering why what Paul said about husband's prayers not being answered if he treats his wife wrong wasn't seeming to be happening with me, the Lord showed me like a parent can love many children equally, my husband is still His child and He loves him... a parent can still love a child who behaves badly

Please pray that I can walk I greater love. That His love will be a shield about me from the fiery darts of the enemy regardless of whom the devil uses. That the Lord will enable me to walk so much in His love that even my husband will notice a change for the good. That I would not try to defend myself verbally. That His love will be so evident in me towards my husband that my husband will know Jesus lives in me.

I have to be a doer of the Word and not just hear. No one ever said being a Christian and doing the right thing is easy. And I want to follow Jesus all the way.

Are you trolling us? You come here to CF with textbook scenarios (in multiple threads) of increasing domestic abuse and then in the next breath it's all about blissfully ignoring that for some warped view of being a Christian and taking the abuse. You can get divorced, as per scripture.

Either you are here to see how far you can push things, seeing how many will agree with you (sadly a few already)- or you are truly in need of real help. You'll end up dead some day soon if any of this is real, I fear.

If your church is actually teaching you to take the abuse, then it is toxic. Get out of it too.

 

[timewerx]

I hope this was tongue in cheek, because this never happens. An abuser doesn't just turn nice. Abuse is a persistent pattern of behavior over a long period of time.

Divorce is a very good option.....

But I really can't tell what is going on (and thus, give an accurate advice) unless I am there and witnessing what is going on. I've heard enough to conclude it is very very bad. But you can't be 100% sure unless you have a look.

I have also gone through a long period of emotional abuse resulting to very low esteem and contemplated suicide.

If only I had the opportunity to have things done differently, I would. For example during the time I was emotionally abused on daily basis at work but I had no choice but to stick to it. I can't afford to lose a job that time and I don't have skills/qualification in high demand fields. It took me a year just to get that job offer.

I only gave it up when I began to suffer physically and I'm experiencing physical pain all the time due to the poor conditions.

My advice to "take a vacation" and get a job is also a preparation for divorce. Things might get better... If not, then a divorce and having job would make the transition much easier.

 

[CrystalDragon]

Today at church during the preaching I feel as if I am being asked to die to self (not in the natural), to lay my life down for him as Jesus did for me, and love him more. Jesus says no greater love does a man have when he lays his life down for a friend. Jesus died for everyone even those who were abusing him. He didn't say Father forgive only the thief on the cross but also the ones who were against Him.

I think of Corrie Ten Boom and her ability to forgive the Nazi jailer.

Pray please that when he's mean to me I can keep my mouth shut, try to leave the room and hope he doesn't follow me to continue his tirade.

I read some notes last night of something I believe the Lord spoke to me sometime about 2 years ago more than once.

Like a lamb to a slaughter/Jesus did not open His mouth to His accusers - keep quiet (2 Peter 2:23)

When thinking that he my husband wasn't acting like a Christian - book of John - what's it to you, you follow Me. I will be responsible for my actions regardless of his, no excuse.

And last night when I was wondering why what Paul said about husband's prayers not being answered if he treats his wife wrong wasn't seeming to be happening with me, the Lord showed me like a parent can love many children equally, my husband is still His child and He loves him... a parent can still love a child who behaves badly

Please pray that I can walk I greater love. That His love will be a shield about me from the fiery darts of the enemy regardless of whom the devil uses. That the Lord will enable me to walk so much in His love that even my husband will notice a change for the good. That I would not try to defend myself verbally. That His love will be so evident in me towards my husband that my husband will know Jesus lives in me.

I have to be a doer of the Word and not just hear. No one ever said being a Christian and doing the right thing is easy. And I want to follow Jesus all the way.

Are you trolling us? You come here to CF with textbook scenarios (in multiple threads) of increasing domestic abuse and then in the next breath it's all about blissfully ignoring that for some warped view of being a Christian and taking the abuse. You can get divorced, as per scripture.

Either you are here to see how far you can push things, seeing how many will agree with you (sadly a few already)- or you are truly in need of real help. You'll end up dead some day soon if any of this is real, I fear.

If your church is actually teaching you to take the abuse, then it is toxic. Get out of it too.

I'm with seashale on this one—you seriously seem to need help. If you're not trolling, it seems like whatever your church is teaching you is severely damaging you, your mind, and your ability to be safe.

Religion isn't always damaging, but in some cases, it is, severely so. This seems to definitely be one of those times. Get OUT of that relationship and get OUT of that church.

 

[restored_one]

We may all have different opinions about divorce and what really the Bible meant about it but in your situation, it is wisdom to leave him for sometime, months or years, to ensure your safety. His present condition may treaten your life, and it is not right to remain by his side. Go somewhere you feel safe and secure for a time of healing. Get your self busy with stuff that you enjoy, move on with your life.

When your away from him, get closer to God, He alone can heal those wounds, find a community or a church where you can involve yourself in.

When will be the right time to get back to your husband? When he realize that he made a mistake and that he is now willing to change. But it doesnt mean you go with him unguarded.

Away with him doesnt give you the license to meet or be with someone. Still you are married to him. This thing goes beyond what we believe about what the Bible tells about divorce. Better seek a church where they can guide you, this is when your already away from him.

Also, God doesnt look at you the way your husband do. You are precious to God.

I hope and pray that this thoughts could help you. Godbless you

 

[Poppyseed78]

Today at church during the preaching I feel as if I am being asked to die to self (not in the natural), to lay my life down for him as Jesus did for me, and love him more. Jesus says no greater love does a man have when he lays his life down for a friend. Jesus died for everyone even those who were abusing him. He didn't say Father forgive only the thief on the cross but also the ones who were against Him.

I think of Corrie Ten Boom and her ability to forgive the Nazi jailer.

Pray please that when he's mean to me I can keep my mouth shut, try to leave the room and hope he doesn't follow me to continue his tirade.

I read some notes last night of something I believe the Lord spoke to me sometime about 2 years ago more than once.

Like a lamb to a slaughter/Jesus did not open His mouth to His accusers - keep quiet (2 Peter 2:23)

When thinking that he my husband wasn't acting like a Christian - book of John - what's it to you, you follow Me. I will be responsible for my actions regardless of his, no excuse.

And last night when I was wondering why what Paul said about husband's prayers not being answered if he treats his wife wrong wasn't seeming to be happening with me, the Lord showed me like a parent can love many children equally, my husband is still His child and He loves him... a parent can still love a child who behaves badly

Please pray that I can walk I greater love. That His love will be a shield about me from the fiery darts of the enemy regardless of whom the devil uses. That the Lord will enable me to walk so much in His love that even my husband will notice a change for the good. That I would not try to defend myself verbally. That His love will be so evident in me towards my husband that my husband will know Jesus lives in me.

I have to be a doer of the Word and not just hear. No one ever said being a Christian and doing the right thing is easy. And I want to follow Jesus all the way.

If this is real, then you're in denial. There is nothing you can do that will make your husband treat you better. You don't need to convince him that "Jesus lives in you". It's not about that. He will be mean regardless. He's manipulating you, and you are falling for it.

It's so sad to me that you are likening your husband to Jesus' accusers. Your husband, who is supposed to protect you, is actually the biggest threat to your safety.

I'm praying for you. Take care of yourself.