Intimacy without sex

[seekingmuch]

Is it possible?

Honestly, if someone "gets me," sex ain't gonna be far behind. It's always been that way with me, even if it was another guy (all my male-male friends were sexual to some degree even if we didn't do it, so to speak).

So, can you have intimacy without sex?

And, since I obviously don't understand intimacy, or I do all too well, what is the ecstasy in God some have talked about that is not sexual?

God is supposed to fulfill ALL our needs...sexual needs are needs. How does he fulfill those without sex?

Theresa of Avila described it as: "“In his hands, I saw a great golden spear, and at the iron tip there appeared to be a point of fire. This he plunged into my heart several times so that it penetrated to my entrails. When he pulled it out I felt that he took them with it, and left me utterly consumed by the great love of God. The pain was so severe that it made me utter several moans. The sweetness caused by this intense pain is so extreme that one cannot possibly wish it to cease, nor is one's soul content with anything but God. This is not a physical but a spiritual pain, though the body has some share in it—even a considerable share.”
The Nun Who Experienced A Divine [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] And Transformed Spirituality

 

[GreekOrthodox]

Is it possible?

Speaking from an Eastern Orthodox POV, there is a difference between intimacy and the passions such as sexual ecstasy. I've been married now for 25 years and have experienced both the passions and just simple intimacy with my wife. Some of the most intimate moments occur in church as we take communion together. Other example is a service called Forgiveness Vespers which starts the Lenten season in the Orthodox church. We basically have a receiving line and ask for forgiveness from each other. Knowing all the thoughtless things or knowingly hurtful things I have said over the last year and bowing before my wife and asking for her to forgive me, and having her do the same, is far more intimate than the craziest nights, or afternoon delight.

 

[Mathetes66]

You ask some very insightful questions! It shows me your prior sexual relationships have not given you that intimacy your soul longs for & you are intrigued by what others describe as an intimate relationship with the living God, that you have yet to experience.

"So, can you have intimacy without sex? And, since I obviously don't understand intimacy, or I do all too well, what is the ecstasy in God some have talked about that is not sexual? God is supposed to fulfill ALL our needs...sexual needs are needs. How does he fulfill those without sex?"

Brief answers:

#1 Yes.

When the first marriage was instituted by God with Adam & Eve, three things are mentioned: leave, cleave, one flesh. (Genesis 2:24: For this reason a man will leave his father & his mother & cleave (be united) to his wife & they will become one flesh.

Many couples married for many years can no longer have sex for various reasons. Yet their relationship continues to grow in intimacy after that. My parents were such an example. Or injuries occur for various reasons even younger in life.

#2 Psalm 16:11 You make known to me the path of life; in your Presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Psalm 17:15 As for me, I will behold Your face in righteousness; when I awake, I will be SATISFIED with Your Presence.

Psalm 21:6 For You grant him blessings forever; You cheer him with joy in Your Presence.

Psalm 36:8 They feast on the abundance of Your house & You give them drink from Your river of delights.

Psalm 43:4 Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my greatest joy.

#3 The key is found in being one spirit with the Lord.

I Corinthians 6:16,17 Don’t you know that the one who unites themselves with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” But the one who unites themselves with the Lord is one with Him in spirit.

Our bodies are mortal; they eventually decay & go back to dust. But our spirit & soul are immaterial & continue to exist outside of the body after it dies. That is the part of each human that was made in the image of God.

There is an enjoyment of being joined as one flesh: physical sex & eventually one flesh from that, that results in children. They are the product of the one flesh union that is now visible, looking like the mother & father.

However, as is shown in Genesis 2:24, there is that word, CLEAVING. It literally means glued together & is not physical but spiritual, psychological, emotional, a uniting of two people becoming one in spirit.

This is the best in this physical world we can achieve as far as true intimacy is concerned. It takes a lifetime to truly reach the depths of two people sharing their lives together as they move together in unity to face all that life on this earth has.

Yet this is nothing compared to the intimacy of being one in spirit with the Lord Jesus Christ. God's very everlasting life makes our spirit alive to Him when we repent of going our own way & trying to satisfy ourselves in this life on our own.

We instead change our minds & turn to the Lord Jesus Christ to forgive us of turning away from Him, forgiving us of our trespasses against Him & others in our selfishness & cry out to the Lord to save us & to give us a living relationship with Him.

That is what the above verses talk about: having a living relationship with Him & in that one spirit relationship of walking in His Presence, we experience the joys, delights & pleasures of spiritual union.

And the picture of this is Christ's marriage to the church, the body of Christ, the bride of Christ. But more on that later.

I hope that this helps in answering your questions to some extent & I hope your hunger to drink of Christ's living water would be like the Samaritan woman at the well of Jacob in the gospel of John chapter 4. You might read that story for greater understanding.

Psalm 73:24-26 You guide me with Your counsel & later receive me in glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My body & my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart & my portion (inheritance) forever.

 

[well hey]

sex is a very close way to get to someone. But spiritual oneness is the closest intamicy. I experience this intimacy while worhsipping God with music for extended amounts of time and i experience it during fasting.

 

[seekingmuch]

I think the problem with me is:

1) I've never been married/had a partner in crime. Trust is hard to come by because of---
2) I was sexually abused at 3 1/2 years old, lived in an emotionally abusive home where I never felt safe so my needs were never met (so I stopped asking for them to be met by anyone).
3) I became an "adult" really young.

 

[GreekOrthodox]

Morning,
So in light of your original post, do you feel something is missing in your intimate life? Not knowing how to be intimate or close without sex being part of the relationship?

 

[seekingmuch]

Morning,
So in light of your original post, do you feel something is missing in your intimate life? Not knowing how to be intimate or close without sex being part of the relationship?

Yeah, you hit the nail on the head.

 

[Mathetes66]

I appreciate your honesty, seekingmuch & I appreciate Greek Orthodox & his wisdom in a question, defining exactly what you are seeking to communicate & the longing of your heart.

I am truly sorry for the abuse you suffered early in life & for a family emotionally distant & not able to meet your needs, so you have grown up fast, but are surviving not living life fully.

I know some of those feelings, growing up in an alcohol/drug addicted environment & lack of emotional support & having to grow up on your own.

I find some of the sayings of Blaise Pascal-- a French mathematician, physicist, inventor & writer & Catholic theologian--very insightful.

“What else does this craving & this helplessness, proclaim but that there was once in people a true happiness, of which all that now remains is the empty print & trace?

This person tries in vain to fill it with everything around them, seeking in things & people that are not there for them--the help one cannot find in those that are, though none can help--since this infinite abyss can only be filled with an infinite & immutable object; in other words by God himself.”

"Don't try to add more years to your life. Better add more life to your years."

"Not only do we know God by Jesus Christ alone, but we know ourselves only by Jesus Christ. We know life & death only through Jesus Christ. Apart from Jesus Christ, we do not know what is our life, nor our death, nor God, nor ourselves." Blaise Pascal

Trust is a key issue indeed. This is where all of us must determine to make changes 'to add more life to our years & take risks beyond our fears.'

It starts with a relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. People can abuse but God does not. If you have a Bible, start reading in the Psalms in the Old Testament & the four gospels in the New Testament. I recommend starting with the gospel of John.

Ask the Lord Jesus Christ to make Himself known to you. As you gain in your trust of Him, there will come a time when you will realize He is worth it all to love & follow, than anything on this earth. He alone satisfies that empty whole within.

God is the one who brings true intimacy & He can help heal your past & by trusting in Him & being safe, you can reach out to others who are safe & learn to develop intimacy apart from sex.

If you find someone you like, establish at the beginning there will be no sex. Challenge yourself to get to know the person, not their body. This will be tough at first.

We need to start with safe people. If you can find an older, mature Christian married couple, they can help you understand how to gain intimacy in relationships. They will also be safe people for you.

I look forward to more wisdom from Greek Orthodox.

 

[seekingmuch]

I appreciate your honesty, seekingmuch & I appreciate Greek Orthodox & his wisdom in a question, defining exactly what you are seeking to communicate & the longing of your heart.

I am truly sorry for the abuse you suffered early in life & for a family emotionally distant & not able to meet your needs, so you have grown up fast, but are surviving not living life fully.

I know some of those feelings, growing up in an alcohol/drug addicted environment & lack of emotional support & having to grow up on your own.

I find some of the sayings of Blaise Pascal-- a French mathematician, physicist, inventor & writer & Catholic theologian--very insightful.

“What else does this craving & this helplessness, proclaim but that there was once in people a true happiness, of which all that now remains is the empty print & trace?

This person tries in vain to fill it with everything around them, seeking in things & people that are not there for them--the help one cannot find in those that are, though none can help--since this infinite abyss can only be filled with an infinite & immutable object; in other words by God himself.”

"Don't try to add more years to your life. Better add more life to your years."

"Not only do we know God by Jesus Christ alone, but we know ourselves only by Jesus Christ. We know life & death only through Jesus Christ. Apart from Jesus Christ, we do not know what is our life, nor our death, nor God, nor ourselves." Blaise Pascal

Trust is a key issue indeed. This is where all of us must determine to make changes 'to add more life to our years & take risks beyond our fears.'

It starts with a relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. People can abuse but God does not. If you have a Bible, start reading in the Psalms in the Old Testament & the four gospels in the New Testament. I recommend starting with the gospel of John.

Ask the Lord Jesus Christ to make Himself known to you. As you gain in your trust of Him, there will come a time when you will realize He is worth it all to love & follow, than anything on this earth. He alone satisfies that empty whole within.

God is the one who brings true intimacy & He can help heal your past & by trusting in Him & being safe, you can reach out to others who are safe & learn to develop intimacy apart from sex.

If you find someone you like, establish at the beginning there will be no sex. Challenge yourself to get to know the person, not their body. This will be tough at first.

We need to start with safe people. If you can find an older, mature Christian married couple, they can help you understand how to gain intimacy in relationships. They will also be safe people for you.

I look forward to more wisdom from Greek Orthodox.

Thank you.

God doesn't fill the void. I've asked and the answer I got was, love yourself. If you love yourself, emptiness isn't there. If you don't love yourself, there is a hole nothing can fill. God doesn't fix loneliness either. God made us to be social beings. Others have to fill those holes. The only hole God fills is the need for him, the spiritual need.

 

[Mathetes66]

You are very welcome. God does fill the void; He promised He would as I shared before. And He can lead you to the right person to marry as well, if you trust Him. And His ANSWER is this, repeated many times in Scripture.

He answered, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart & with all your soul & with all your mind & with all your strength.’ And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself." And He said to him, “You have answered correctly; do this & you will live.”

But wanting to justify himself, he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

Jesus took up this question & said, “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him, beat him & went away, leaving him half dead. Now by chance a priest was going down the same road, but when he saw him, he passed by on the other side.

So too, when a Levite came to that spot & saw him, he passed by on the other side.

But when a Samaritan on a journey came upon him, he looked at him & had compassion. He went to him & bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil & wine. Then he put him on his own animal, brought him to an inn & took care of him.

The next day he took out two denarii (2 days wages) & gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Take care of him,’ he said, ‘and on my return I will repay you for any additional expense.’

Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”

“The one who showed him mercy,” replied the expert in the law.

Then Jesus told him, “Go & do likewise.”

Love does no wrong to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the Law. Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law.

God is love. If you love God like that, He can teach you how to love someone else like you do yourself & learn to trust. May you find the Lord Jesus Christ & experience His trustworthy love.

Lamentations 3:21-26 Yet I call this to mind & therefore I have hope: The LORD’S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness! "The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, "therefore I will hope in Him.”

The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.