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Insecurity and the ex wife - Question for the remarried women here.

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by benotte, Jun 4, 2006.

  1. benotte

    benotte New Member

    Hello, I am new here. I actually have been reading the forums here for quite awhile, but finally joined :wave:

    Anyway, I have a question to the women here. Are you ever insecure about your husband's ex? Maybe it's stupid, but it always seems to be in the back of my head to the point where I'm almost obsessed with it. :sigh:

    She's younger and thinner than me, so already I feel bad about that. Plus she's the mother of his children. Since my husband and I are not having children together, this is a huge bond they share that he and I never will. Also she was the first (and only, until we got married) woman my husbad was with sexually, and I can't stand the thought of that. Of someone else being with him.

    I just can't help always comparing myself to her and I know it's driving my wonderful husband bonkers. He adores me and has never done or said anything to make me feel less than incredible.

    The ex cheated on him while they were married, asked for a divorce and would not go to counseling with him. She consequently ended up shacking up and a year later marrying the guy she had the affair with. So, in addition to feeling insecure and almost jealous of her, I will always hate her for tearing that family apart and hurting my husband the way she did. I have horrible thoughts about wanting to cause her grief - and I know this is wrong. I just hate the woman so much, I can't stand to have to see her. I just want to smack her sometimes. Of course I never would. I'm just being as honest as possible here and hope it's met with understanding. I want to add that I never act out on this, and I never speak ill of her to the kids - EVER.

    They were married for 12 years, and that is a lot of history, we have only been married less than a year.

    I love my husband with all of my heart and I know he is so in love with me, he's such a great man. It's just been hard dealing with it. The marriage is great, the kids are wonderful, and in every other respect, things are fine.

    I have seen how some posts are flamed, so I am prepared that my honesty may draw fire from some people here. However, if any of you have ever (or currently) have had similar thoughts, please post. I'd appreciate not feeling so alone.
  2. Godisgr8r

    Godisgr8r Contributor

    I'm not insecure about my husband's ex at all. She did the same thing to my ex-husband that your husband's ex did to him. I don't like having to see her either. I know my husband loves me more than he did her because I treat him so much better than she did. They were married for 23 years, so there is a lot of history with them, but it's mostly bad. She mistreated him, and degraded him to the point that he almost felt non-existant. That's what makes me so angry with her. She treated him like dirt.

    I know it's hard to deal with, but you've got him now. She had her chance to be the wife she should be and she let him go. Try not to let her get to you. Enjoy being his wife and try not to worry about it.
  3. benotte

    benotte New Member

    Wow, that's EXACTLY what happened to my husband. It's hard for me to believe that women can treat men so badly. Especially good men! They are hard to find, when you get one you should be thankful and be the best wife you can be! :)

    Thanks for your reply.
  4. c1ners

    c1ners Senior Contributor

    I think it's only normal for you to feel the way you do.
    I was very jealous of my husbands first wife for years.
    They were also married for 12 years.
    Right now we have been married for over 15 years, and I still get jealous of her every now and than.
  5. Jennifer615

    Jennifer615 Senior Member

    Yes, I can relate to what you are saying. My husband has been married 3 times before, and I know his most recent ex was a young Meg Ryan lookalike. Sometimes when we fight or he doesn't want to make love, I wonder if it's because I don't look like her.

    However, she also slept around when they were married and was so horrible to him. I know he is sincere and would choose my sincerity anyday over her looks.

    I do get insecure sometimes, but I know in my heart of hearts it's unfounded.:)
  6. Endless

    Endless Member

    My DH and I were married just June 3rd ... but I have been dealing with his ex the entire time we were dating.

    I have similar jealousy issues ... however ... my husband's ex is NOT cuter than I ... nor did he ever love her as much as me. The jealousy is mainly because she had the times with Hunter (his 6 year old) that I feel that I missed. She got to have that time with both Hunter and my husband during his infancy that I am seriously envious of. We have full custody of HER son because she's a negligent mother ... and I often feel like she doesn't DESERVE to be a part of his life. However, Hunter deserves to be a part of HER life.

    She also cheated and shacked up with several different guys until she recently got remarried. So there's no fear of DH wanting back what he lost. The reality is that what he went thru with his ex makes our marriage more difficult. He is always wary and he always feels guilty for actually having to divorce her. for that I resent her and it makes it difficult to face her sometimes.

    God is helping us through all of this and with our love for one another ... I am learning to tolerate her presence.
  7. E-beth

    E-beth Senior Contributor

    I have my jealous moments too. My husband's ex is VERY different from me. She is older, has a different set of morals, and has a personality very unlike mine. Still, since hubby and she have a 14 year old daughter and a history together, they still have to talk and stuff. Sometimes when he talks about stuff they used to do together, and sexual experiences they had, I fight the green-eyed monster. But, my hubby loves me and constantly tells me how much batter at everything I am. ;) That makes me feel better. I don't even care if it is true or not!
  8. Epoh99

    Epoh99 Veteran

    My husband and I have been married several years and you sound EXACTLY like me. My husband's ex was also his "first," they have a child together (and we don't want children at all), they were married several years, she was rotten... I don't struggle with this as much as I used to but I do still struggle with it. I hate her so much if I think about it, it eats me up inside.

    I'm actually working on getting rid of these bitter feelings right now so that they don't destroy me. The few times I think about her I immediately turn the thoughts over to the Lord and start quoting scripture. It's tough. Hopefully someone will have some good advice for you.
  9. flower child

    flower child New Member

    my current boyfriend was married and still is married, she walked out on him after 1 month of marriage with another man.

    she is now demanding money from him - he believs that god did not join them, but they joined themselves and sh only marries him for money, it certainly seems that way.

    she is the only person he has been sexual with and at first it did make me very nervous as im still a virgin and waiting for the big day!

    but iv come to acept that she was a mistake that he made, and he has been forgiven of that mistake, and move on.

    your husband has obviously moved on - he is with you!
    he loves you, the children are not the bond between the parents of they no longer love each other, its jsut an agreement to keep the peace in front of their children.to stay civil.

    its hard not to compare i know, the parents at the moment have only jsut met me and are alreadt comparing me to his x wife!!!
    but that is why we have both got to be strong in who we are in christ and not let the devil make us doubt ourselves and our relationships.
    me with my boyfriend and you with your husband
  10. lameschina

    lameschina New Member

    My husband's first wife left him in a scenario much like that described by the first poster. (Except she is still looking for someone to marry her.)

    I was at first, because they had children together.

    Now we have children of our own and that doesn't bother me so much.

    There's really nothing for me to be jealous of. She doesn't have any obvious "advantage" over me in the looks, brains, money, etc. departments.

    She also has what another poster so charitably described as "a different set of morals," so while I get angry about what she does sometimes, I don't believe that she's someone my husband admires and that doesn't stick in my craw. :cool:
  11. Avaya

    Avaya Veteran

    I used to struggle with insecurity but not anymore. I see how totally lost she is (especially this week in light of an increase in child support she is seeking, seemingly without any desire to discuss it and agree to some mutual amount). She is a miserable person, but puts on a good face. They were married for a year, lived together less than 9 months. We have been married for 11 years. They have a 14 year old daughter but they never talk. She makes all the decisions and if there is any info that needs to go between homes, it's either ignored and not talked about or my stepdaughter tells her daddy. It's really very sad. If the ex weren't so spiteful and deliberately duplicitous I'd feel sorry for her.
  12. charligirl

    charligirl Senior Veteran

    No I have never felt insecure about my Dh's ex, but I have a different situation. I am 13 years younger than her, more intelligent (according to my husband) and she treated him with no respect and was weirdly possessive. I am nothing like her in any way and I know my DH adores me, he had also been divorced 10 years when we met.

    If anything I suspect it's the other way around, although we have actually never met, I know she has found out about me. She works in a local shop so I could easily see her, I would know her by her name badge and she would not know me (I don't think), but I am not really interested, that was his past.
  13. givengrace

    givengrace New Member

    If you say he's still married he's not your boyfriend he's her husband. In a divorce Care recovery class I lead we have a saying . What were you the day before you get married "Single" right so what are you the day before your divorce is final? "Still married"
  14. novi12

    novi12 New Member

    All u lovely woman u r Gods children and so the wife who cheated their huuby are God children to....... So geting jealouse on them ..........means ur getting jealous on God....... Forget bout the others look into ur life and pray for ur hubbby x.. this way u'll be blessed and u'll end up to have a very good future. But if u'll get jealous of ur hubbys x then devil who always waits for a leak will enter ur life and will destroy the marriage life....... Lord Jesus help this girls to forgive their hubbys x n humble themselves. Bless there marriage life so that satan does not enter their life I ask this through Christ our Lord Amen
  15. Avaya

    Avaya Veteran

    :amen: :clap: :clap: :clap: :amen:
  16. GraceAnn

    GraceAnn New Member

    I have found it to be true that whenever anyone is obsessed with thoughts about another that involve insecurity and jealousy, the issue is unforgiveness. The cure is forgiveness -- releasing them from whatever debt you think or feel they owe -- letting go of whatever you think or feel they took away from you.

    Often the problem is recognizing what "harm" you believe they have done you personally. This takes asking the Holy Spirit to open your heart and revealing to you what's there.
  17. Susiesmommy

    Susiesmommy Guest

    I'm also very jealous of my husband's ex but she screwed it up by being with someone else while they were married,she also married the guy and divorced him,my husband and his ex had two boys together and then she had two boys by the other guy.I honestly say that I think she might be jealous of me,she has said she wished she was still with my husband and she also jealous of the fact that I had the baby girl that she always wanted.I guess I'm not so jelous after all,I think in the back of my mind is that at one time he loved her,does he love her still?most likly not but I really hate when he has to have any conversations with her,100% of the time its about the boys but I hate how it takes away from our family meaning my stepsons and my 2 kids.Well I guess everyones in a similar state,I'm also divorced and had a son with my ex,but my husband's been his father for the three years we have been married.My ex hasn't been in my son's life really,which gets me angry,happy,sad all at the same time.
  18. leytonstones

    leytonstones Senior Contributor

    Please don't feel jealous of your husbands first wife. From what you say in your post there doesn't seem to be anything to be jealous of. You are his wife now. Be happy.

  19. AngeliaTurner

    AngeliaTurner Singing for the Lord!!!

    I am remarried to a wonderful man. He has never been married before. I do not think that he is jealous of my ex. He has a hard time with the fact that he does not like him at all because of the things that have happened. We both know that God tells us in the bible that we must love everyone. That is a hard thing to do sometimes. I do have to have conversations with him because of our 3 children. However, I do think that the woman that my ex is with is jealous of me for some reason. She always degrades me infront of my children and its like she is trying to turn them against me. She even tried to talk my youngest daughter to go live with them. Of course I have custody so she is still with me. I am at my wits end with her. The only thing I can think of is that she is jealous that I had his children and she can not have anymore. I don't know.
  20. Canuk

    Canuk Senior Member

    I haven't read all the posts here, so I hope I am not repeating something that has already been said, but why don't you try to look at your husbands ex wife a little differently.

    How would your life look today if she had been a better wife to him? Would you and your husband be together? Maybe instead of hating her, try to 'thank' her for what she did to allow you and your husband to be together.