Innappropriate behavior in a 6 and 7 year old?

BlondieLashes

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I have a 6 year old niece that was visiting friends with her parents and 8 year old brother. The friends have two boys, ages 7 and 9. The 8 and 9 year olds took off playing and the 7 year old boy and my niece were playing in the 7 year old boy's room when the parents noticed that things had become strangely quiet. They went to see what the kids were doing, and the door to the 7 year old's room was barricaded from the inside. When they finally pushed the door open they found my niece completely naked lying on the 7 year old's bed and he had his shirt off.

Needless to say the parents were in complete shock and separated the two and got my niece dressed. Both children have been questioned by their respective parents and the only information that they have given is that the boy removed my niece's clothes because he was, "curious".

I am very concerned about both my niece and the boy involved. I was sexually abused as a kid, so I am really sensitive to stuff like this. I have told my sister that she should contact my niece's pediatrician and ask if this behavior is "normal" or if the pediatrician suspects that there is something that needs to be looked into. My sister keeps brushing it off as, "kids will be kids" and hasn't taken any action about it.

I keep thinking this boy barricaded the door, so he obviously knew he was doing something wrong and I wonder if he is being sexually abused by someone else thus his actions....

What is your take on this? Innocent, curious children or something amiss?
 

IisJustMe

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I have a 6 year old niece that was visiting friends with her parents and 8 year old brother. The friends have two boys, ages 7 and 9. The 8 and 9 year olds took off playing and the 7 year old boy and my niece were playing in the 7 year old boy's room when the parents noticed that things had become strangely quiet. They went to see what the kids were doing, and the door to the 7 year old's room was barricaded from the inside. When they finally pushed the door open they found my niece completely naked lying on the 7 year old's bed and he had his shirt off.

Needless to say the parents were in complete shock and separated the two and got my niece dressed. Both children have been questioned by their respective parents and the only information that they have given is that the boy removed my niece's clothes because he was, "curious".

I am very concerned about both my niece and the boy involved. I was sexually abused as a kid, so I am really sensitive to stuff like this. I have told my sister that she should contact my niece's pediatrician and ask if this behavior is "normal" or if the pediatrician suspects that there is something that needs to be looked into. My sister keeps brushing it off as, "kids will be kids" and hasn't taken any action about it.

I keep thinking this boy barricaded the door, so he obviously knew he was doing something wrong and I wonder if he is being sexually abused by someone else thus his actions....

What is your take on this? Innocent, curious children or something amiss?
Curiosity is normal. Getting naked together is not. A seven-year-old doesn't have enough information to initiate this kind of behavior on his own. He had help, probably from the nine-year-old. You are very correct to be seriously concerned about the potential damage done to your niece, and should be concerned for the seven-year-old friend, too. And someone should find out who's talking to, influencing and perhaps abusing the nine-year-old, because if he has these ideas, he got them from someone else, too.

Lots of prayer is in order, and someone should sit down with the parents of the boys and express these concerns to them. I'm not sure it should be you or your sibling and spouse, either. A pastor or a social worker would be a good choice if you could do so circumspectly. No need to make enemies, but if the issue isn't addressed, help arranged for all three children (and someone might want to question the eight-year-old, too, in order to ascertain if any inappropriate behavior has been directed at him), and an effort made to correct this behavior, there will be much more serious and unpleasant consequences for all of them in the future, as you may well know.
 
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seeingeyes

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I have a 6 year old niece that was visiting friends with her parents and 8 year old brother. The friends have two boys, ages 7 and 9. The 8 and 9 year olds took off playing and the 7 year old boy and my niece were playing in the 7 year old boy's room when the parents noticed that things had become strangely quiet. They went to see what the kids were doing, and the door to the 7 year old's room was barricaded from the inside. When they finally pushed the door open they found my niece completely naked lying on the 7 year old's bed and he had his shirt off.

Needless to say the parents were in complete shock and separated the two and got my niece dressed. Both children have been questioned by their respective parents and the only information that they have given is that the boy removed my niece's clothes because he was, "curious".

I am very concerned about both my niece and the boy involved. I was sexually abused as a kid, so I am really sensitive to stuff like this. I have told my sister that she should contact my niece's pediatrician and ask if this behavior is "normal" or if the pediatrician suspects that there is something that needs to be looked into. My sister keeps brushing it off as, "kids will be kids" and hasn't taken any action about it.

I keep thinking this boy barricaded the door, so he obviously knew he was doing something wrong and I wonder if he is being sexually abused by someone else thus his actions....

What is your take on this? Innocent, curious children or something amiss?

Kids get naked. They just do. And at that age, they bar the door, too. Once two of my boys barred the door at that age so that they could hang out in their underwear. Seven years old is old enough to know that we shouldn't be running around naked, but young enough to wonder 'how are girls different?'

From just what you posted here, I wouldn't suspect abuse.

Though I can understand why you are concerned. Are you close enough to your sister to tell her about your concerns and maybe go over one of those abuse 'checklists' together with regards to your niece?
 
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IisJustMe

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Kids get naked. They just do. And at that age, they bar the door, too. Once two of my boys barred the door at that age so that they could hang out in their underwear. Seven years old is old enough to know that we shouldn't be running around naked, but young enough to wonder 'how are girls different?'

From just what you posted here, I wouldn't suspect abuse.

Though I can understand why you are concerned. Are you close enough to your sister to tell her about your concerns and maybe go over one of those abuse 'checklists' together with regards to your niece?
I'm sure you mean well, Seeing, but this is not normal behavior. You suggested checklists. Here's one you both -- the OP and yourself -- should see. God bless.

http://thehousegroup.org/archive/best_practices_sexual_abuse_checklist.pdf
 
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SiyoNqoba

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Sexual curiosity is completely normal at this age. Haven't you ever heard the cliche of kids "playing doctor"? This is what that is. Whether we want to admit it or not, children are sexual beings, and will instinctively try to explore and express that. They will barricade the door, but often not because they "know" it's wrong. I remember being about 4 years old and trying to make a baby with a friend, we hid behind the couch and he tried to push an egg into my belly button. I don't know why we hid behind the couch, but I guess children must in part just know that sex is private, and adults must, in part, subconsciously be sending out the idea that it's private.

I can understand and empathise with your concerns about this based on the abuse you have suffered. Often our own pasts can make us particularly sensitive to stuff like this. But making a big deal of it will only make matters worse. Your niece and this little boy will grow up with the idea that there is something inherently wrong with sex, which there isn't.

There is nothing in that check list, IisJustMe, that this little boy (or this little girl) are doing according to what we've been told in the post, which I'm assuming you're implying by saying seeingeyes should see it too. Perhaps you were referring to "inappropriate sexual touch" and/or "inappropriate sexual knowledge." As a foster parent, I can tell you that two very young children getting naked together because they're curious is not what this is indicating. Inappropriate sexual touch is when a little girl "makes a move" on an adult male in a shockingly bold way (I don't want to have to spell it out, but I don't mean innocent flirting, which is also normal). Inappropriate sexual knowledge is when a child accurately describes sex acts. That is an extremely good check list, however.

BlondieLashes, your original thought of checking with a pediatrician is a better idea then involving a social worker, and I am almost 100% sure the pediatrician will assure your sister that this is normal. If not, then by all means, involve a social worker, but for now, take a breather.
 
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seeingeyes

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I'm sure you mean well, Seeing, but this is not normal behavior. You suggested checklists. Here's one you both -- the OP and yourself -- should see. God bless.

http://thehousegroup.org/archive/best_practices_sexual_abuse_checklist.pdf

Thank you for posting that. :)

The question was whether this was 'normal' behavior for children that age.
Here is what ChildabuseMD.com lists as 'normal' behavior:

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Healthy, Age-Appropriate Expressions of Sexuality
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Children are born as healthy sexual beings. Therefore, it is important to understand a child's healthy sexual development and what behaviors are normal and age-appropriate:
  • Preschool (0-5 Years)
    Young children frequently use limited sexual language that centers around body parts and the differences children see in genders. They sometimes explore body parts of other children, usually in the form of play, such as playing doctor or house. Children may also touch their own body parts and may even rub up against something to get the same sensation. Children at this age usually can be redirected easily and do not show signs of distress when told to stop the behavior.
  • School Age (6-11 Years)
    The use of sexual words and sexual conversation is more common and frequent during these years. Experimenting with other children is also common and may take the form of "games" with same-age peers. This may include kissing, fondling, and "you show me, I'll show you" types of behavior. Self-stimulation is also common at home or in private places but rarely happens in public. There are usually a great number of questions from children at this age about menstruation, pregnancy, and sexual behavior.
  • Adolescence (>11 Years to Adult)
    Questions during these years focus on concerns about decision-making, social relationships, and sexual customs. Experimentation between same-age peers is also common and includes kissing, fondling, mutual masturbation, and sometimes intercourse. Self-stimulation or masturbation usually only occurs in private and is commonly kept out of peer conversations.
---

I think that the activity that the OP described warrants the parents to have a conversation with their children and with each other, and nothing more (unless of course that activity comes in concert with other items on the checklist you posted).

The aunt (who the OP is) should express her concerns only to the mother, who is her sister. But otherwise she should not fear the worst based on this one incident if that is all there is to it.

God bless :)
 
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Amber Bird

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I have two Goddaughters and I know kids can be curious because I babysat them for awhile and would field all sorts of questions. Thank goodness nothing sexual because that's not my place.

I'd wonder about the personal curiosity in this instance. Kid's are curious about one another certainly. That, "show me yours and I'll show you mine". Six years and up isn't unusual for that to start. However, for two children under the age of 9 to willfully barricade a door so it's not easily opened, and then get curious. And while the little girl is full on naked on the bed with the boy just starting to get undressed when they're caught, means the boy watched the little girl strip.

I would wonder if the boy had been exposed to inappropriate contentography videos. It strikes me as something that if he saw it on film, he'd be curious as to what a girl looks like doing those same movie stunts in person.

Kids will often shy away from being forthright because they're scared of getting in trouble. Which they can usually pickup is possible by the parents reaction when they first catch a child doing something.

I'd take the little girl to the pediatrician just for a checkup to make sure she was all OK. And as for the boy, I'd let it rest for a bit and then approach him gently and ask about those movies or maybe even magazines that he might have come across. Wording it in a way that's kid like, innocent and yet prodding.

Curious, like lifting their shirt and taking a peek at one another or what have you is not unusual at that age. However, what you walked in on after bypassing a barricade is. One of those little one's wanted privacy and knew what they were doing wasn't to be seen with a casual eye or easy access to the room. Kids that age don't strike me as that intently premeditative. Especially when the little girl just gave the 8 year old boy a strip show before lying supine on a bed!
 
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SiyoNqoba

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^We need to be very, very careful about projecting our own adult experiences on to children.

The fact that this little girl was fully naked and lying on the bed, I think, just indicates that they were left alone long enough for that to happen. Think in the mind of a 6 or 7 year old, if you're really curious about what's under their skirt, and you've got the time and lack of supervision, aren't you going to take that opportunity to find out more?

And children know that private parts are private. I really don't think barricading the door was anything more then "this feels a bit sneaky."
 
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IisJustMe

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  • School Age (6-11 Years) The use of sexual words and sexual conversation is more common and frequent during these years. Experimenting with other children is also common and may take the form of "games" with same-age peers. This may include kissing, fondling, and "you show me, I'll show you" types of behavior. Self-stimulation is also common at home or in private places but rarely happens in public. There are usually a great number of questions from children at this age about menstruation, pregnancy, and sexual behavior.:)
From a clinical standpoint, that part I left bolded means unzipping pants or lifting up skirts, not stripping another child completely naked and having him/her lie down on a bed while preparing to get undressed himself. I believe its a huge cause for concern. But, you're right, the parents are going to have to be the ones to address it, but if I were them I wouldn't rule out the professional interventions as a way to address it.
 
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Forealzchola

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Child on child molestation is starting to become more prevalent now and no it is not normal. Someone feeling on you , looking at you naked or trying to sexual things on you is not normal AT ANY AGE. This can lead a small child to getting raped. 7 year old boys can get erections. My friend actually lost his virginity at 8 by an older girl who was 12( who knew what to do and showed him-she probably was molested at a young age herself). All these experiences can damage a developing mind as it is processing what a normal healthy relationship is and sexuality.
 
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SiyoNqoba

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Someone feeling on you , looking at you naked or trying to sexual things on you is not normal AT ANY AGE.

Really? At any age? Because you know that's a normal, healthy, beautiful part of marriage, right?

Child-on-child sexual abuse is defined as sexual activity that occurs without consent, without equality, or as a result of coercion. These children are the same age, which makes them equals, and there is nothing to indicate that either of them were forced or coerced into the situation.
 
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contango

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I recommend better supervision of children and adherence to some rules...
such as "Play where I can see you" and my mom's favorite was "You don't
close your bedroom door unless I've told you to".

This seems like a good approach. I'll say up front that I don't have kids so what follows are my thoughts rather than my experiences of dealing with children. That said I was a 6-year-old once so some of it is from the perspective of a small child.

The trouble with dealing with things retrospectively is that the situation described in the OP could represent very different actual underlying issues, ranging from nothing more than kids being kids to something very sinister.

For example, I remember seeing one of the girls on my street with no clothes on when we were both about 5, and wondering where her genitals were - at the time I didn't know that boys and girls were different, just that they wore different clothes. At a marginally older age this girl would take clothes off if they got wet in a water fight even if it meant she ended up running around with nothing on at all (at a push I'd guess she was 5 or 6 at the time). At that age I knew nothing about sex, nothing about making babies, was only vaguely aware through this particular observation that girls didn't have the same parts I had, and someone with no clothes on was the kind of thing I'd s[bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] about with my friends. At the time we thought it was funny to watch the girls at school doing handstands wearing dresses because it meant we saw their pants. Seeing someone with no clothes on would prompt greater s[bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ing still, even though there was still nothing sexual about it as we didn't even know what sex was at that age.

If the kids were playing doctors and nurses they might have looked to barricade the door because of knowing it was somehow "naughty" even if they didn't understand why. Using the example above I remember trying to get a message to a friend of mine that this girl was outside with no clothes on, and trying to figure out how to do it so neither my parents nor his found out about it. For all I had no problem playing outside if this girl was playing with nothing on, spreading the word so others could come and see too was somehow taboo. I can't explain why from the perspective of a child, it just was.

At the same time if the kids have been exposed to something inappropriate contentographic or worse they may have known full well what they were doing.

The trouble with trying to assume is that if it's shrugged off as "kids being kids" and it does turn out to be something sinister it might go further than it should on the basis it hasn't been stopped. At the same time if it's perfectly innocent but is handed to an overzealous social worker you could see families torn or put under everlasting suspicion apart over nothing.

If it is something sinister (or even the beginnings of something sinister) I'd suggest being cautious as to who initiated it. It's easy to assume the boys started everything but it doesn't sound inconceivable that a young girl encountered something she shouldn't have done and was curious, and explained to the boy what she needed to do and then what he needed to do.
 
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BlondieLashes

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I really appreciate all the replies. It gives food for thought. As to the kids being unsupervised, the parents were in the next room, but they (IMO) are not as careful as they should be when watching their children. I have a 6 year old and always make sure doors stay open, etc.

To be honest I am more conflicted than ever as to what to do about this. I really wish my sis would call the pediatrician....
 
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Forealzchola

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Really? At any age? Because you know that's a normal, healthy, beautiful part of marriage, right?

Child-on-child sexual abuse is defined as sexual activity that occurs without consent, without equality, or as a result of coercion. These children are the same age, which makes them equals, and there is nothing to indicate that either of them were forced or coerced into the situation.

Obviously I wasnt directing this towards marriage..the topic is regarding children.
 
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SiyoNqoba

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Forealzchola, I pointed that out because you emphasized "at any age." At what point does sexual desire become okay? On the day of the wedding? It doesn't work for kids to grow up thinking "It's bad, it's wrong, it's not normal, it's not okay" and then suddenly flick a switch on their honeymoon. Parents need to be intentional in teaching kids that sex is wonderful and normal and healthy, as well as teaching family values around it.

To be honest I am more conflicted than ever as to what to do about this. I really wish my sis would call the pediatrician....

I agree that your sister should mention it to the pediatrician, on the side of caution. But unfortunately, there's not really a lot you can do, but pray for wisdom for those directly involved :)
 
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