- Dec 12, 2017
- 13
- 9
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Non-Denom
- Marital Status
- Celibate
- Politics
- US-Republican
Greetings everyone 
, I'm posting a brief introduction about myself from my "about me" section.
"
Since birth I have almost always been a seeker of knowledge, wanting to know how to chew solid food, stand on two legs, understand and recite spoken language, write, play video-games, etc. But I did not became an intellectual until it was in a way too late; my developing brain had matured. The maturing and flowering of my consciousness from adolescence to adulthood brought forth corrupt instead of good fruit - schizophrenia / Bi-Polar disorder. Now, more than ever before, what I earnestly believed to be true was delusion.
Many who have had woe befallen them, especially when as a result something or many things valuable and precious to them being taken away, curse God in return. I said, if I had but one life to live, I wanted to have a (very) strong intellect. I still strove, but little did I know that I had a neuro-degenerative form of the disease. My dreams were utterly crushed.
So I too cursed the sky. Such a major life juncture was truly in God's foreknowledge of my life. Why did an All-Loving God allow to happen to me precisely what would make me hate Him and turn away? I had an ultimatum in my mind: Give me back my mental health and intellectual powers, or I will totally reject the "gift" of life you gave me, and if I go to Hell it will be Your fault - a mistake by a "perfect" God - for not doing a tiny favor that would lead me back to you for certain.
Thankfully, my temper tantrum ended, and I've since seen the error of such thinking. One possible spiritual reason as though through a glass darkly is that my intellect was a particularly demanding idol, wanting constant worship from me. Most likely I couldn't have released myself from its grasp without learning by God's way. Now, I will see what life has in store for me. I will fight until the end.
"
So, long story short, I've been through a lot of hell in my life, probably with plenty more to come. Nevertheless, I've overcome so much to have gone from loving God conditionally, hating Him, then loving Him again unconditionally (well, probably, but I doubt I'll ever go back to hating Him ). Still, I have a couple of questions for anyone interested .
I believe since I have a neuro-degenerative illness, then I will never be able to improve my memory or my intelligence and both may only get worse with time. I am by far most interested in a spiritual journey with God, but I believe that the journey will be richer if it is possible to sharpen my intellect. Does intellect increase with spiritual development? Will the depths of wisdom forever be off-limits to me because of cognitive impairment? I believe now I can desire to sharpen my mind without being obsessed with it, because I've experienced rock bottom for many months with a sense of dullness, slowness, and cognitive sludge, and I've grown to accepting it with little remaining angst now.
However, this leads to the second question. As per my mental illness and consequent disability, I am approved for receiving social security. Basically, I am in a position to sit on my butt and do nothing meaningful for the rest of my life. Yes, I can and do read scripture and can tank up on the Word of God, but faith without works is dead faith, right? You reap what you sew, right? What if I spend the rest of my life collecting a check from social security and doing nothing? I don't want to lead that kind of life, but I feel that I am forced by the symptoms of my mental illness out of accomplishing anything really. Still, I wouldn't be sewing anything, so I would reap nothing, right? These verses comes to mind:
21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. 22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? 23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.
The Holy Bible: King James Version. (2009). (Electronic Edition of the 1900 Authorized Version., Mt 7:21–23). Bellingham, WA: Logos Research Systems, Inc.
I'm sure God has more of a plan for my life than collecting a check from the government and basically living in solitude. Yes, I have heard of christian monasticism, which is parallels my life right now with the exception of poverty. Whenever paranoia, delusions, high anxiety, or symptoms of a panic attack loom, I feel that I am not ready to come out of my comfort zone into something more in life. I feel so burdened by positive and negative symptoms of schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder that sometimes I'm completely incapacitated. Its a monumental effort coping with mental illness in itself, and maybe that suffering counts for something, but I feel a still, small calling to do more of something - anything - involving serving/helping other people somehow instead of just helping myself. It's easy for me to blame mental illness for living a life of solitude instead of servitude, but could I instead be the one to blame for not trying harder?
, I'm posting a brief introduction about myself from my "about me" section."
Since birth I have almost always been a seeker of knowledge, wanting to know how to chew solid food, stand on two legs, understand and recite spoken language, write, play video-games, etc. But I did not became an intellectual until it was in a way too late; my developing brain had matured. The maturing and flowering of my consciousness from adolescence to adulthood brought forth corrupt instead of good fruit - schizophrenia / Bi-Polar disorder. Now, more than ever before, what I earnestly believed to be true was delusion.
Many who have had woe befallen them, especially when as a result something or many things valuable and precious to them being taken away, curse God in return. I said, if I had but one life to live, I wanted to have a (very) strong intellect. I still strove, but little did I know that I had a neuro-degenerative form of the disease. My dreams were utterly crushed.
So I too cursed the sky. Such a major life juncture was truly in God's foreknowledge of my life. Why did an All-Loving God allow to happen to me precisely what would make me hate Him and turn away? I had an ultimatum in my mind: Give me back my mental health and intellectual powers, or I will totally reject the "gift" of life you gave me, and if I go to Hell it will be Your fault - a mistake by a "perfect" God - for not doing a tiny favor that would lead me back to you for certain.
Thankfully, my temper tantrum ended, and I've since seen the error of such thinking. One possible spiritual reason as though through a glass darkly is that my intellect was a particularly demanding idol, wanting constant worship from me. Most likely I couldn't have released myself from its grasp without learning by God's way. Now, I will see what life has in store for me. I will fight until the end.
"
So, long story short, I've been through a lot of hell in my life, probably with plenty more to come. Nevertheless, I've overcome so much to have gone from loving God conditionally, hating Him, then loving Him again unconditionally (well, probably, but I doubt I'll ever go back to hating Him
). Still, I have a couple of questions for anyone interested .I believe since I have a neuro-degenerative illness, then I will never be able to improve my memory or my intelligence and both may only get worse with time. I am by far most interested in a spiritual journey with God, but I believe that the journey will be richer if it is possible to sharpen my intellect. Does intellect increase with spiritual development? Will the depths of wisdom forever be off-limits to me because of cognitive impairment? I believe now I can desire to sharpen my mind without being obsessed with it, because I've experienced rock bottom for many months with a sense of dullness, slowness, and cognitive sludge, and I've grown to accepting it with little remaining angst now.
However, this leads to the second question. As per my mental illness and consequent disability, I am approved for receiving social security. Basically, I am in a position to sit on my butt and do nothing meaningful for the rest of my life. Yes, I can and do read scripture and can tank up on the Word of God, but faith without works is dead faith, right? You reap what you sew, right? What if I spend the rest of my life collecting a check from social security and doing nothing? I don't want to lead that kind of life, but I feel that I am forced by the symptoms of my mental illness out of accomplishing anything really. Still, I wouldn't be sewing anything, so I would reap nothing, right? These verses comes to mind:
21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. 22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? 23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.
The Holy Bible: King James Version. (2009). (Electronic Edition of the 1900 Authorized Version., Mt 7:21–23). Bellingham, WA: Logos Research Systems, Inc.
I'm sure God has more of a plan for my life than collecting a check from the government and basically living in solitude. Yes, I have heard of christian monasticism, which is parallels my life right now with the exception of poverty. Whenever paranoia, delusions, high anxiety, or symptoms of a panic attack loom, I feel that I am not ready to come out of my comfort zone into something more in life. I feel so burdened by positive and negative symptoms of schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder that sometimes I'm completely incapacitated. Its a monumental effort coping with mental illness in itself, and maybe that suffering counts for something, but I feel a still, small calling to do more of something - anything - involving serving/helping other people somehow instead of just helping myself. It's easy for me to blame mental illness for living a life of solitude instead of servitude, but could I instead be the one to blame for not trying harder?
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