Inappropriate behavior from bf's married female friend

[kasi79]

I don't think you are overeacting, i'd be upset too.

 

[freedom4all]

As far as faith goes, we are both “flounderers.” We did check out a Lutheran church yesterday. I am composing a letter to him, explaining my feelings. I would post it, but it is too long. We are going to discuss it tomorrow, in person, so we’ll see what happens.

I need to check out that website though, thanks.

 

[InTheFlame]

Freedom - about all I can do is to echo some other people (just to make sure you hear it). Don't focus on the other women - focus on what your boyfriend is doing and accepting that makes you uncomfortable, find out why (read relationship books!), and talk to him about it. Your boyfriend sounds like an (unintentional) marriage breaker. He's giving these women support that they should be seeking from their husbands and other women, and helping set them up for adultery by setting bad precedents. Now I'm not saying the other women aren't to blame for their behaviour - they are - but that's really not your concern. Your concern is how your boyfriend reacts to their behaviour, and how you feel about HIS behaviour. See, if that woman you were originally talking about had been acting the EXACT same way, but your bf had been reacting appropriately, I don't think you would've felt bad at all... I suspect you would've felt even happier to know that other women had no appeal for him.

The reason I'm being so vocal on that point is that I see some women blaming the 'other woman' for all her marital problems, instead of taking a good hard look at herself and her husband and their own faults.

Boundaries in Dating (Cloud and Townsend) does deal with some of this stuff - have you read it?

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

I can understand your concern, because my FH and I went through pretty similar things when we were first dating.

The main problem can often be with your background in relation to how opposite sex friendships were treated. For my FH - he was surrounded by healthy relationships between people of the opposite sex, so saw nothing wrong with spending lots of time with women other than myself, hanging out with them rather than me, and helping them out whenever they needed it (often dropping dates with me to do so).

For me - family and friends had also had those kind of situations crop up, and all of them had turned into sexual affairs. So, whenever he ditched me to help another woman out, or took them out on a drive alone, or out to dinner - it instantly made me start thinking of how risky this behaviour was. That might sound OTT - but when you know how all these affairs started, and they were with the same beginnings as what he was doing with these other women - it was no wonder I was so upset.

I was angry at both him and the other women. Because, in my mind, both of them should know better, and realise how dangerously low the boundaries were, and how easily an affair can start. He is a big flirt, as were a few of these women, so it was quite dangerous, in my mind.

My mistake, was not talking about it. I felt I was the stupid ignorant and naive one, because I was much younger than him and the other women, and obviously they knew better than me, because of their ages and experience. Now, I know that I was infact very wise, and that their relationships were dangerous, unhealthy and breeding an allready co-dependant relationship into something that would have ultimately destroyed our relationship - based on the fact that I would never be able to trust him, because of how I'd seen this kind of behaviour destroy marriages in my family.

TALK TO HIM. Read boundaries - find out WHY this behaviour is unacceptable to you, and what may have caused those beliefs. Hopefully you will talk to him sooner than later, so that you can both come to a good compromise, and without you building up resentment towards him, when a simple talk could have done the world of good.

Yes, he's behaving rather dangerously (in my mind). Yes, so are these women. Your first priority is HIM, and it is only when HE is the one who has changed his behaviour and it's these other women that are now disrespecting it, that you should have to start addressing what these women are doing.

Focus on him and your relationship, and getting to a good compromise where you can both have friends of the opposite gender, without it causing you great concern.

Sasch

 

[undecided]

yes focus on how your boyfriend RESPONDS to how these women act, not so much HOW the women act....

quick example.... at a pub with my b/f we were walking down to the dance floor...him ahead, me behind
so anyway my b/f is hot right (hehehehe! well he is!) and this girl turns to start dancing with him and you could just see her eyes were like "yipee/bingo"
-well i don't think he even hardly noticed he gave her a look like "what" and then turned back to look at me and kept walking.... and the girl then saw me and goes "oops sorry"
hehe!
yer so he didn't play it up at all, or wasn't like "oh yer im so great" he couldn't have cared less....

i was telling him the next morning saying i felt a bit like hands off my man and he was like really someone tried to hit on me? i didnt even think she did!

Now i am not trying to rub it in (contrary to how it may sound just cos i quickly read that back, haha) but i am more saying i could have felt really jealous in that moment but the way he handled it and the quick reassurance made it just a laugh!

hope you get my point, if your bf likes the attention *to* much, i dont think thats putting you first

however its all words on the net (not saying its not meaningful) but just saying if you have a great guy dont go and ruin it....but also on the same hand trust your gut instinct and in saying all that i think the ladies have all given good advice

xxx

 

[searle29678]

I also dealt with this when hubby and I first started dating. He had lots of female friends that I had to deal with from the start. I never automatically assumed that any of them would try anything with him and pretty much sat back and watched him make his own decisions about how he should treat them and how he should treat me concerning them. After a while I got a pretty good feel for what the girl's thought of my relationship with Robert. Some of them were just interested in his friendship and would even make sure that I was going to be there when they came over and hit it off with me to the point that we became friends. Others would bring him a beer and lean over in a low cut shirt, or invite him out places when they knew I couldn't go. I trusted my gut feeling and asked him not to see them without me there and inform me if they popped up when I wasn't around. He respected my wishes and we didn't have any more problems. However, if he had been concerned about them being angry with him for not seeing them or made comments about my being upset about it or tried to validate why he should be around them even though I was uncomfortable we would have had some major issues. Don't jump to any conclusions, but if you feel it is disrespectful say so and remind your bf that he probably would like it if you two were married and you were carrying on with someone else the way this woman is with your boyfriend.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

As hard as it may be the previous posters have all hit on something major. Things that bug you now in a relationship only get worse when you are married. That sounded bad umm. Anyhow, if you are not comfortable with a platonic relationship btwn your bf and "V" then this will be forever a point of contention. I am watching my best friend deal with this in her marriage right now. He husband has been friends with a girl for longer than they have been together the other girl is married and all but when they get together it is the same thing. The spouses get ditched and they are chummy chummy with each other. My friend can't stand it and whenever there is any point of argument this friend comes up.

 

[searle29678]

As hard as it may be the previous posters have all hit on something major. Things that bug you now in a relationship only get worse when you are married.

The hardest thing for a lot of people in a marriage is understanding how the other person feels and putting their spouses feelings above their own. You bf may end up deciding that you are justified in your feelings and put an end to this friendship, or at least the friendship that involves alone time and discussions about the inner problems of her marriage. If he doesn't put your feelings first on this one, it may become a problem down the road and it is a lot more difficult to deal with this in a marriage then it would be now. That is just my two little pennies (in addition to the ten cents I put in a little while ago) I hope this turns out well for you.

 

[freedom4all]

Thanks for all the input! It’s interesting to see the ideas I may not have thought of on my own. I wrote him a letter and we are going to talk about it in person on lunch. Basically, I am telling him how I feel, how the evening was perceived through my eyes, how I think he could better handle a situation like that in the future, and things I can do to ensure that I don’t feel uncomfortable like that again. I am also going to ask him how he interpreted her behavior, how he felt, how important her friendship is to him, and what he thinks would be a good solution to ensure that both of us will be happy and neither will feel hurt or like they are getting the short end of the stick. I am willing compromise, if necessary. I know I can be a bit rigid at times, although I haven’t decided whether I am in this situation or not yet.

I talked to him a bit last night, and he agreed to not meet with her alone in the future. I also said that since this friendship seems important to him, that it might be a good idea for me to get to know her in a one-on-one setting. I don’t mean so that I can tell her off. I think that would alleviate some of my fears.

 

[searle29678]

Thanks for all the input! It’s interesting to see the ideas I may not have thought of on my own. I wrote him a letter and we are going to talk about it in person on lunch. Basically, I am telling him how I feel, how the evening was perceived through my eyes, how I think he could better handle a situation like that in the future, and things I can do to ensure that I don’t feel uncomfortable like that again. I am also going to ask him how he interpreted her behavior, how he felt, how important her friendship is to him, and what he thinks would be a good solution to ensure that both of us will be happy and neither will feel hurt or like they are getting the short end of the stick. I am willing compromise, if necessary. I know I can be a bit rigid at times, although I haven’t decided whether I am in this situation or not yet.

I talked to him a bit last night, and he agreed to not meet with her alone in the future. I also said that since this friendship seems important to him, that it might be a good idea for me to get to know her in a one-on-one setting. I don’t mean so that I can tell her off. I think that would alleviate some of my fears.

I think that is a very good idea. I'm glad to hear that you are being rational about this and not flying off the handle. Meeting with her one on one will let you see how she is for real and not just the person you see when she is around your bf, hopefully he can keep up his friendship and you guys can be happy.

 

[freedom4all]

Well, my bf and I had our talk. At the beginning, he was kind of withdrawn. I think he feels we are beating a dead horse, and I agree, but it’s hard for me to move on unless I feel resolve.

Anyway, he told me that he felt tense going to dinner, like he was dragging me to something I didn’t want to go to, which I didn’t. After the things he’s told me about her, why would I want to be friends with her? I asked him why he told me certain things about her past (I won’t mention), and he said so that I wouldn’t feel like she was better than me. Well, I guess that idea backfired. I told him that he needn’t tell me every sordid detail of his friends’ lives.

He said that he did notice when she moved to sit in front of him, and he knew I wouldn’t like it, but there was nothing he could do without causing a scene. I understand that. He said he felt really nervous, and that they were acting tense, as well. I couldn’t have known this, because I don’t know them. When she suggested they to go to the sci-fi convention together, he said that the only thought in his mind was that it sounded dumb and he had no interest in going. I told him at that point, would have been a good opportunity to say something like “Sorry, but that’s not my cup of tea,” or whatever. I asked why he didn’t want to kiss me, and he said he felt tense, but that he wasn’t trying to make me feel bad. He presumes that people have good intentions unless they do something contrary. I’m kind of the opposite. But I don’t want to be the party-pooper, or the bitter person who thinks everyone is after her man. That’s not an attractive way to behave, either.

We decided that he would not go anywhere with a woman alone, nor would I go with another man. If she calls, he will suggest that we all go. What’s weird is the next day, I knew he had wanted to go to an event, but then we didn’t go. I wondered why, but I didn’t ask. Today he told me that the reason we didn’t was because one of the women I posted about earlier was going, and he didn’t want to go through this again. I felt kinda bad about that. I said that now since we've talked, I will trust that he will discourage any advances, and he agreed to try harder. I will try to not assume the worst of people. We’ll see what happens.

I’d say it went well, and I feel much more at ease, and he seemed happier, too.

 

[heartnsoul]

I am asking this question in the married section because it involves a married couple. My bf and I have been dating for 9 months. He is friends with a married couple; he was their best man. He was friends with “V” before he was friends with her husband, although they never dated. He has told me that they are active in their church and Christians, but they used to be involved in drugs and a bad lifestyle before they turned their lives around.

Since my bf and I have been dating, he has gone out to lunch with V a couple times, both times she called him. I didn’t think much of it before, but as we have gotten closer, it has started to bother me. I have been reading about boundaries, and I think she is stepping over the line. Well, last week, she called my bf, and wanted us to go out to dinner with them. When we got there, those two started talking, and no one introduced her husband or myself, so we had to introduce ourselves to each other, which was awkward. Then, I sat down in the booth, and my bf sits down next to me. V sits down in the booth across from me while her husband went to the restroom. When he came back, V gets out of the booth so her husband sits across from me and she sits across from my bf. That made me uncomfortable. Then, V and my bf started talking about Dr. Who (sci-fi show), and she mentioned there is a convention, and he said he hadn’t heard of it. Then, she said “I’ll come with you if you want, I’ll be happy to come with you” to my bf. I felt like a crumb, and basically sat there making sure my mouth was really full so I couldn’t say what I felt like saying. I wanted to leave. (I might mention that she wore one of those off the shoulder tops, so a lot of skin was showing.) Anyhow, my bf has told me that she talks to him about her and her hubby's fertility issues , vasectomy reversal, confessed that at one point she wanted to cheat on her husband, previous lifestyle antics, etc. I don’t feel this is appropriate behavior for a married person. I tried to give him a quick smooch, but he acted like he didn’t want to, which was weird for him.

When it was finally over, I told him that she is behaving inappropriately, and that going forward, I don’t think they should hang out alone together without her husband or myself present. He was really hoping that we would hit it off and be great friends, but no dice. And being a Christian, I feel she is pushing the limits, and disrespecting me. I asked my bf why he wouldn’t kiss me and he said he thought I was doing it to spite her, like he is more concerned with offending her than me. He agrees to not spend time with her alone, hopes we can get together with them again, because they are all friends, but to be honest, I don’t want to. If the time comes that I absolutely must, should I say something to her, since obviously my bf won’t? Am I overreacting?

From everything you described, please do not start second-guessing yourself and "settle". It's a blessing that both of you are just dating and are not married. So take this as a "red warning" flag and maybe even seriously consider breaking it off with this boyfriend of yours. Actions speak louder than words and if he is disrespecting and dishonoring you now (BEFORE marriage) heaven knows it would only get worse AFTER marriage.

I honestly think it would be in your best interest to strengthen your walk with God and take a year off of dating romantically. It's important that you take time to do that so you develop discernment and learn what a godly relationship is before dating. May God give you wisdom to make healthier choices of friends. Be patient and wait on God's perfect timing. In the meantime, focus on making strong Christian friends. Don't settle for less than God's best.

 

[heartnsoul]

I just think you need to be looking at your bf's character more so than this woman's. If you can't live with his behaviour now, you won't be able to as his wife.

Amen! Spiritual immaturity has its consequences and it's best to be patient and wait on God's perfect timing for the right one. Spiritual immaturity or being unequally yoked leads to painful, struggling marriages. Again...don't settle for less than God's best.

 

[Leanna]

It sounds like it went as well as it can, now you'll just have to see how it goes. Things like this can be huge marriage issues....

 

[freedom4all]

I didn’t consider this situation to be a deal-breaker. I was hurt but I don’t think it necessitates breaking things off. I would prefer to give him a chance. I do take it very seriously, don’t get me wrong. If he allows something like this to happen again, now that he knows how I feel, and after our talk, then I will reevaluate (to put it nicely) our relationship. He knows that, too, as I made myself clear. Aside from this situation, he is normally the greatest guy ever. I think that is why this situation really stuck out like a sore thumb.

 

[Jill Ann]

freedom-

I think you've really done a great job in handling this in a mature, rational way that has let your boyfriend know exactly where you stand on this and what you require in a relationship.

Based on your BF's reaction to both your letter and your feelings about this, I think you're wise to give him another chance. I say that because my (now) H and I had so many of these same problems early in our relationship....he had lots of female friends in addition to the "best friends" (husband and wife) that made me so very uncomfortable. I didn't always handle myself as wisely as you have and he would then get defensive (which I took as him fighting to have his female friends over me) and it created a lot of unnecessary pain. Anyway, now that we have (finally) worked it all out, I can attest that he really is a great guy! It just took a long, painful journey for us to get our boundaries and feelings in line with each other.

So congrats and best wishes to you in your relationship!

P.S. Of course, if your BF ever hides any contact with the female friends from you then THAT is when you need to re-evaluate!!!!

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I ahve a friend I was petty close to and we're both married now(to different people)...but we don't behave quite like that.