In the Wilderness/Broken

[Kdutree]

Hi,
I write in tears. I can not remember feeling so lonely and scared to face the future. My situation seemed to have started a little over a year ago. First, I had been celebate (sp?) for close to 8 years. One day I came home to the 1 bedroom apartment that my husband downsized us to (twin boys 2.5 yrs of age plus me and him)-he had packed his clothes and as he backed out the driveway he informed me that he was leaving. Usually I would try to talk him out of leaving but this time I was tired. I had 2 kids relying on me and at that time I knew that one was diagnosed on the autism spectrum and it was years later that the other one was diagnosed as well. I was in college and could not handle this news/blow that my supposed partner in life gave me.I let go-I let him go-I could not bear running or fighting-the Lord will not put more on us than we can bear. So for years I managed being a mother and student with no family or much support. I managed off of the $650 a month he gave to me along with help from organizations. I managed and fast forward my boys were 7yrs. old, we managed to a 3 bedroom, I earned a bachelors and masters degree and was accepted in a doctorate program- I felt that I wanted to be social and maybe date (I would have been okay with just chatting-I was okay and wasn't looking for more than friendship). Fast forward in just a matter of 2 weeks I met a gentleman, we shared alike dreams and passions, he was Christian we talked for hours enjoying each others company.Maybe a month or 2 later we met and got into a relationship.He told me that God showed him that I was his wife (I know) he pushed for us to get married-I felt that we needed to take our time to see how we worked through problems or disagreements. Fast forward..1 year plus later..and living in sin..he said that something was fighting against our being together and that if we were married that we wouldn't have as much..well, the confrontations that appeared to cause us splitting. I filed for divorce, but wanted to make sure that I did not cheat my children. He left September 30, came back 3 weeks later, left November 13th, and did not spend any of the holidays with me nor has he texted or called (besides Thanksgiving eve for 3 hours-text message dispute on Thanks giving morning-Called Dec 2nd I did not answer until the 4th in which he was with someone and discreetly said he would call but never did) I erased his number and all messages to not call him and I haven't heard from him since. This made me fall prostrate before God asking for forgiveness and at first praying that he call or text. I prayed for understanding. For closure. Then after a while I just wanted to not hurt or be in pain. I prayed for strength to get up and take my kids to school and care for them, that simple task was hard. I did not have anyone to talk to for support, family members turned on me (not because of this-I didn't share with family-never was close to family-there's no spiritual deepness in Christ from family to share my problems with). I fasted for 21 days, prayed studied (now just to repent and seek God and what he have me to do-just want the hurt and pain to go away) Just want vision and perspective for my life because over that year he and I dreamed together, planned and started business plans together, etc. In this wilderness, I saw how I was in sin and error. I saw idols that I made. I saw pride and the pride of life and even lust. The enemy came to steal, kill, and destroy. By the time this man left...I did not feel the value I held before I opened myself to him. It's like I'm not sure who I am. The enemy torment me by telling me that I lost out and let my blessing slip through my hands. He tell me that God sent me a husband and my actions forfeitted(sp?) my blessing and now someone else may get what was for me. Saints, pray for me. I've felt suicidal, have been taking sleeping pills around the clock to not think. I have to go to bed with Christian sermons playing because I fight in the night with principalities and powers (through studying I've learned that it's such demons like spirit husband). I know that I belong to Christ, I rededicated my life and now things are surfacing for me to get rid of them and renounce them. I feel like I'm in the wilderness and I wish that I had a seasoned Saint to fellowship with. I've been asking God to restore me and for a seven fold return on everything Satan has stolen from me (Proverbs 6:31). I feel like Paul when he said that he was pressed on every side (2 Corinthians 7:8). My child is having issues at school where i had to involve the school board, my aunt persecuted and lied on me, etc. I know that what the devil meant for my harm that God will turn it around for my good. I also know that the father loved me enough to chastise me and correct me-I'm thankful to have not died in my sin. Still, pray for me that God give me perspective and strength and restore and build me greater than what I was before. I want companionship-a husband who loves God and who know his calling and purpose. Pray for me Saints-God Bless You!

 

[God is good]

Jesus loves you very much and He will always be with you. God bless you and Jesus is Lord.

 

[Kdutree]

Jesus loves you very much and He will always be with you. God bless you and Jesus is Lord.

Amen. Thank you.

 

[God is good]

Amen. Thank you.

Your welcome.

 

[JAM2b]

I'm sorry for your pain.

It is completely normal to feel what you do and be overwhelmed and confused and having thoughts like you are having.

You are very right that you need fellow believers to talk to and receive support from. There is DivorceCare, and it is for people who are separated, getting a divorce, or newly divorced. They also have a program for children to help them navigate when their family is breaking up. You can look them up online and the site can tell you if there is a group near you. They usually meet in churches.

You also need support as a single mom with special needs childrens. I would look in your area to see if there are single parent groups and also groups for parents of kids with special needs.

Spiritually speaking, you need to trust that God is way more compassionate and merciful than we tend to believe. If you have sinned and confessed it, then it is gone. Quit fretting about it.

Also, God is more powerful than we realize in spiritual warfare. If there are demonic forces at work, it's not that hard to put an end to it because God takes care of it for you as soon as you speak the words. You need to have praise and worship music playing in your home, even if it is turned down softly. Often times our struggle with demonic forces is more mental than anything else. If they can keep you afraid and fighting them, they sap your mental and emotional energy and keep you focused on them instead of what you need to be. Keep your mind focused on what you need to be doing, and make every thought captive to Christ. Focus on God and everything He has done for you and your relationship with Him.

Self-medicating is so dangerous. You need to seek psychiatric help or professional counseling. Medicating so that you don't have to think about things does not make them go away, and it only delays your progress, healing, understanding, and gaining strength. Doctor supervised Medication or therapy for depression and anxiety allows you to keep your sanity and think things through while you do go through these processes and make progress.

The pain, fear, and whirlwind of emotions won't go away quickly. They just don't. It is a grieving process. It takes time. Trying to avoid that will only hurt you more rather than get you through it. Don't try to do it alone, but you do need to do it. You need to get your support in place and get the professional help that you need.

 

[Kdutree]

Thank you.
"You are very right that you need fellow believers to talk to and receive support from. There is DivorceCare, and it is for people who are separated, getting a divorce, or newly divorced. They also have a program for children to help them navigate when their family is breaking up. You can look them up online and the site can tell you if there is a group near you. They usually meet in churches."

Thanks for the insight, I will look into this program to see in what area I can benefit. I'm thankful that I feel the grace of God in this area over myself and my children. As far as ministry-there may be something I can take away from this program. Amen.

"Self-medicating is so dangerous. You need to seek psychiatric help or professional counseling. Medicating so that you don't have to think about things does not make them go away, and it only delays your progress, healing, understanding, and gaining strength. Doctor supervised Medication or therapy for depression and anxiety allows you to keep your sanity and think things through while you do go through these processes and make progress."

Thanks again. I knew that this was not the answer to my problem and I shared this piece of information to shed light to it so that I would be free. I wanted to expose it. I received prayers by exposing it and I see the power of God in this area. I do have a professional counselor who is aware of my situation and the thing about the pills, I brought it to light as a cry of help and I believe that I am delivered in Jesus name Amen.

"The pain, fear, and whirlwind of emotions won't go away quickly. They just don't. It is a grieving process. It takes time. Trying to avoid that will only hurt you more rather than get you through it. Don't try to do it alone, but you do need to do it. You need to get your support in place and get the professional help that you need."

I'm am so thankful that I reached out in my affliction because the Saints of God have been kind and loving and supportive. Thank you guys. Although, just as you mentioned the pain do not go away quickly all of the time- I can testify that just in a matter of my posting and now, I am not where I was when I posted. I can feel deliverance, restoration, God's power, answers and revelation, etc. God is good and wonderful-I glorify him and bless his name.
Please keep the prayers of healing and restoration flowing for me. God bless you.

 

[dayhiker]

Hi Kdutree,
Welcome to CF.
I think its wise that you didn't marry that guy. So don't beat yourself up over the relationhips. Instead be thankful you didn't marry him.

 

[Kdutree]

Hi Kdutree,
Welcome to CF.
I think its wise that you didn't marry that guy. So don't beat yourself up over the relationhips. Instead be thankful you didn't marry him.

God bless you and thank you for your insight.

 

[sendmelord]

I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. I've been through a similar struggle in my life but let me reassure you, there is hope and it will get better. Love is one of the greatest joys we have in life and therefore the loss of it can be one of the most difficult we will ever experience.

A couple of suggestions to help you set your mind on Christ and get you feeling better. First, if you don't already have one, start a journal. Use a notebook or just some paper out of your printer if you have to. I've found in my ministry that if we write out our hopes, dreams, desires, feelings, and our hearts out to God, it makes them more manageable and gives them a life. After writing your heart out to the Lord, sit quiet for awhile and see if He puts some thoughts into your head. Write down anything you think He might be saying. The great thing about our God is He answers us back in so many ways - your thoughts and prayers never go unheard with Him. If you don't hear anything right away, that's ok, just leave a blank space in your notebook in case He answers you at a later date.

Second, start some mini-habits to get you up an moving and off those sleeping pills! Mini-habits are just small, incremental things you can do to start retraining your brain to learn a new behavior. For example, tomorrow morning, instead of sleeping in, commit to getting out of bed at a certain time and spending just 5 minutes writing in your journal. Just 5 minutes, that's all you're doing, but do it every morning. If you want to go back to bed after that, no problem. If you feel like you want to keep writing, go for it. Set your alarm on your phone right now, then when you get up, set your timer for 5 minutes. If you wait to "feel" good before you make progress on your recovery, you'll likely never do it. You must take action first, then the good feelings will follow. I know you're hurting deeply, but you got this!

One more thing, be sure to open your Bible everyday and just ask the Lord to show you where to read. Try to make a mini-habit of just getting it open and read a few verses. Also, there is a really good free course at christianbreakuprecovery.com that I think would be of help to you. Check it out and then keep us all posted here on how you're doing. We're praying for you sister, hang in there!

 

[Kdutree]

I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. I've been through a similar struggle in my life but let me reassure you, there is hope and it will get better. Love is one of the greatest joys we have in life and therefore the loss of it can be one of the most difficult we will ever experience.

A couple of suggestions to help you set your mind on Christ and get you feeling better. First, if you don't already have one, start a journal. Use a notebook or just some paper out of your printer if you have to. I've found in my ministry that if we write out our hopes, dreams, desires, feelings, and our hearts out to God, it makes them more manageable and gives them a life. After writing your heart out to the Lord, sit quiet for awhile and see if He puts some thoughts into your head. Write down anything you think He might be saying. The great thing about our God is He answers us back in so many ways - your thoughts and prayers never go unheard with Him. If you don't hear anything right away, that's ok, just leave a blank space in your notebook in case He answers you at a later date.

Second, start some mini-habits to get you up an moving and off those sleeping pills! Mini-habits are just small, incremental things you can do to start retraining your brain to learn a new behavior. For example, tomorrow morning, instead of sleeping in, commit to getting out of bed at a certain time and spending just 5 minutes writing in your journal. Just 5 minutes, that's all you're doing, but do it every morning. If you want to go back to bed after that, no problem. If you feel like you want to keep writing, go for it. Set your alarm on your phone right now, then when you get up, set your timer for 5 minutes. If you wait to "feel" good before you make progress on your recovery, you'll likely never do it. You must take action first, then the good feelings will follow. I know you're hurting deeply, but you got this!

One more thing, be sure to open your Bible everyday and just ask the Lord to show you where to read. Try to make a mini-habit of just getting it open and read a few verses. Also, there is a really good free course at christianbreakuprecovery.com that I think would be of help to you. Check it out and then keep us all posted here on how you're doing. We're praying for you sister, hang in there!

May God bless you tremendously for your obedience and faithfulness in him! Thank you for such wise and Godly advise. The advice you gave actually confirms what the Lord had given to me to advise another Saint but It also applied to me (in regards to the journaling and reading of the bible and the approach).

As far as how I'm feeling, it is just as you mentioned- I feel hope and it is getting better. I loved that person. In this process, I repented and gave my heart to Christ. I'm recovering. I'm extremely prayerful and seeking God for his guidance.

May I ask you, you mentioned a similar struggle-can you share with me your testimony concerning your experience? (for instance, how long were you with the person-what did you do to cope {I'm thinking your advice about journaling & reading the bible}-and how did things turn out between the two of you? {did you hear from them again, did you reunite, etc.}. Many overcame by the blood of the lamb & the word of testimony (Revelation 12:17).

About the sleeping pills, I have not been using them. I went to my second professional counseling appointment yesterday- which consists of a counselor, nurse practitioner, and counseling group. I was given some anti-depressants/anxiety medication in a mild dose to temporarily help me manage the depression. I haven't taken them but have them just in case I can not manage on my own (i really do not want to be dependent on meds-although I informed the nurse of this and she said that the meds were not addictive and that I would be able to get off them- but still, I'm praying).

Finally, I ask for your continued prayers for recovery, restoration and blessings. I pray that your prayer for me will return God's blessing on your life-In Jesus name Amen.

 

[sendmelord]

Yes, I did have a similar struggle. It was a relationship that was on and off again for about 8 years. The short version of the story is that I was making my girlfriend my God. She came before God and she was my idol. She struggled in her alcoholism and I struggled in my neediness. There was a lot of co-dependency. When she left, it was devastating. As tough as it was for both of us, God turned that situation into SO much good. After the breakup, we were forced to confront ourselves and "find our way" back to God. I poured into the scriptures for answers, I reached out to pastors and counselors, and I started to understand my worth in the eyes of Jesus. I also came to understand that Christ was in me, and I was in Him, and that if Christ was in me, I could also have the mind of Christ (That free email course I suggested has a great lesson with scriptures and a diagram that helped me tremendously with this concept). Out of the ashes I emerged a new man, never to be the same again. I'm now free... free from dependence on other people in an unhealthy way, free to love and be loved, and free to be joyful no matter what my circumstances. About 2 years after this breakup, I get an email from my former partner and she describes a very similar situation about how God set her free from alcohol and how she is more joyful than she ever thought possible. We did not get back together, but we both have peace and a mutual respect for each other.

You have a lot to look forward to in your life! Keep pressing in to Christ and come to know yourself and Him in new ways. Still praying for you!