In need of some Christian advice - tired, stressed, and fed up with a situation at home

[PoetStorm]

Good morning everyone, I apologize in advance if this post is a bit long, but I'd like to try to give you all the complete picture of a situation so that you can advise me of the Christian thing to do in this case. I've been struggling with it for months and months.

I'm visually impaired borderline legally blind and my husband is diabetic and struggling with back and weight issues. We both work. Me and my husband currently live in a Mother-Daughter house with his mom. We have an upstairs apartment. We've been here for about 10 years now. My mother in law is a dilemma. She can be nice at times but suffers from bi-polar depression and can also go severely off the handle and very verbally abusive. It turns on and off again randomly, and she can tear you down to your soul, and then 5 minutes later ask "Hey do you want to have some coffee?" leaving you just completely agape and crushed. I mean she seems to have a knack for knowing the most hurtful things to tear at you with until you're ready to weep, die, or run out the door. It's uncanny seriously. She takes meds, and is better when she takes them, but can still drop mean and insulting comments at times even on meds that are hurtful. But then again, she has her very wonderful nice moments too. But the mean times leave scars even though you forgive. You feel you want to be around her less and not open up to her.

Also her and my husband fight like cats and dogs almost every day because of all the past tensions between them and residual hurt feelings since childhood when she was occasionally even physically abusive. I never know when I come home whether we'll get to have a calm dinner or a blow out. It's very stressful to live like this.

Both of us feel so worn out and scarred by all the bad times. She also treats me like a servant or maid. Because I'm visually impaired, sometimes I'll miss something, like a cup on the floor or whatever. And she'll say something like "There's a cup on the floor. It's only been there three weeks. Another week won't hurt I guess." Very hurtful! I try my best and honestly didn't see it! How about just asking me to pick it up without treating me like that? Ugh.

So at first we paid her rent and ate meals together, but kept it like a separate apartment mostly, but as she has aged, we've stepped in to help her take care of things and have pooled our finances to pay the household bills since she's on social security.

Now the other big problem. She's been incontinent since her 40's and it has only gotten exponentially worse. She has a very lazy streak, can sleep like 18 hours a day, and will not wear diapers. She urinates in buckets that she keeps all over the house...but as a woman, it's hard to do that and she misses and has soaked and sullied her carpets. SHe urinates like every 20 minutes because she's on a water pill for her heart and it's just unstoppable. When we do force the diaper issue, the diaper needs to be changed about every hour!

Because of the buckets and the dirtiness, we've got a biblical proportion problem with flies that no fly spray or bombs will kill. We've tried EVERYTHING!They feed off the stray urine in her room, resudie in the buckets, damp carpet and sheets.

With both of us working, we try, but the constant volume and frequency of urine means that while we're at work she's soaking both her bed and carpet. It's just impossible to keep up with. We can change her sheets and empty her buckets 2 x a day, but we can't find the time to steam clean carpets daily and it's really pointless because if you did, 20 minutes later she'd be peeing on them again, thinking she was getting it in the bucket. The only time they truly went away is when she was in rehab for a few weeks with her ankle. We were even told by exterminators that as long as the urine issue exists, they can't get rid of them either. It's so disgusting!

I had the "smart" idea to place plastic mats and runners down to try to avoid the carpets continuing to get wet and moldy, but she fell and broke her ankle on them, a fact that I can't seem to live down even a year later. It's like every solution you try...you can't win. We've tried a few different mats, but the volume of liquid daily is so much that it soaks the mats and runs into the carpet. Ugh. Even the rehab had a hard time keeping up with it when she was there. They had to put in a catheter.

We've begged and pleaded with her to contact a urologist or gynecologist because the problem can be fixed fairly easily, but in the 10 years we've lived there she hasn't done a thing to try to get the problem rectified. Her sleeping and lack of wanting to do anything with her life is also seriously causing my husband to fall into depression. He wants to seek therapy but we can't afford it. It's hard to see your mom deliberately making terrible choices.

Now for the third issue. She's leaning on us way too hard. There are some things in her age and physical activity level that she can't do, and we understand and help with those things, but she's using us for things she can do and really just sitting back, throwing her hands up and letting everything fall to us. She can get around her house and fix meals and stuff, but she treats me like her maid. Literally every five to ten minutes she's got something she wants me to do or fetch. I can't even finish the dishes downstairs without being interrupted eight to ten times to do something else, and it makes me feel like I can't even finish a thought down there! It feels really beyond reason.

I know we're supposed to be like Christ, but does that mean I need to wait on her hand and foot every single minute for things she can get and do herself? I struggle with this, but I feel there has to be a reasonable level here. But I can't say no. I don't have the heart to. Even my husband has put his foot down about it, but I just can't, so I end up running around out of my mind between work, keeping up my own apartment, doing her cleaning, and waiting on her. Keep in mind I've got double everything. Double dishes, triple laundry because of the incontinence, double rooms to vacuum and mop etc...

We know that the way she is with sleeping all day, not wanting to do anything, and not trying to fix the incontinence that it may be time for a nursing home. She's young at only 69 but she's just let herself go so much and it's not going to change. She won't go, but to be honest we're completely fed up. I've got flies coming out of my purse occasionally at work and everything. I've been told that I smell like pee by my boss which has been humiliating! Never in my life have I faced such problems.

We both want to move and get out so badly it's tearing us apart. It's getting so bad my husband just wants to run and so do I, but morally I wonder if it might be wrong. But it's also hurting our marriage and the high stress environment in which we live is driving us into depression. However she says if we leave she'll just not take her meds and die. But on the other hand maybe she needs the tough love and it will force someone to step in and help her to be in a nursing home. We've reached out to so many services but while we're living here it's easy for them to throw up their hands and say, your problem, good luck.

What is the Christian thing here? When is enough enough? I want to do the right thing, I really do. But we're not living our lives and I also want to have quality time with my husband while he's in good health. We can't even go away overnight to visit family. She lays such a heavy guilt trip and will deliberately not eat while we're away and not take her meds just to make us feel like trash. Thanks for your advice. I really want to know what other people in faith would do in this situation. This just feels like a living hell. IS it me? Am I too selfish?

 

[Sarah G]

Wow, that is all so heavy. I really feel for you (and your husband). I don't know how you have managed for so long. I can relate a bit because there was a long time that my husband was very ill and it involved double incontinence and horrifically bad moods and verbal abuse. It was a very dark time (sometimes I wished he would just die already, I know that is terrible but that's how bad it all was). As the prognosis only gave him a year to live I was able to grit my teeth and carry on although I wanted to run away. But, that was my husband, not my mother-in-law and as I say there was a time period on it (he actually went into remission so he is not that way anymore, or for now at least). I wouldn't be able to do it indefinitely as you are. You have tried to get outside help but as you say, whilst you're there that isn't going to happen. Honestly, I would leave. You both have your own battles and are working as well. You have done your best. Based on my own experience I just don't believe that your situation is sustainable. It can only get worse and that is going to take such a toll on you and your marriage. I really think you should leave if you can. She is using terrible emotional blackmail, driving you to depression and wrecking your marriage. I am just getting madder and madder thinking of how much pressure you are under.

 

[gennypearl]

maybe it's indeed time to take her to a nursing home. or can she afford a caregiver? that way she can be taken care of 24/7. you as a couple also have issues to deal with.

 

[Take Heart]

Hey sis,

First off, you and your husband are outstanding. You are both going above and beyond what anyone can ask for. It truly seems like a heavy load for either of you to carry day in and day out for so long. What you both are going through is called 'caregiver burnout'. You've probably already done this, but please consider contacting agencies that have PSWs [personal support workers] or contact respite services or both. That way, the more people that can attend to her throughout the day, the better. You and your husband are overdue for a break. Once you have things settled with caretakers, you and your husband NEED a vacation [even if it's only the weekend-any time off to breathe and relax and enjoy each other's company again goes a long way] for both of your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. I know it's stressful to have your mother-in-law not eat and not take her meds, but she is manipulating you both. She already has issues mentally, don't play into her games. She is an adult and needs to deal with her problems too, even if it means facing the prospect of a nursing home where nurses and caretakers abound and will monitor, care for, feed, bathe, and administer medication. Definitely contact those types of services if you haven't already. And definitely look into nursing homes. It isn't fair to either of you to have to deal with that when there are services out there made to help your mother-in-law.

So in short, pray about the situation, ask Him for His help, guidance, strength, encouragement, and to open doors of opportunity for your mom to get the help she needs as well as the break you both deserve + therapy session. Contact the people that need calling, and leave the rest in God's hands. He will take care of you all.

 

[Take Heart]

 

[~Anastasia~]

Lord have mercy - prayers for your family!

There are a number of issues here, and I probably can't mention them all. First and foremost I want to say that being like Christ does NOT mean being a doormat!

First a simple thing. Carpets ... any chance of pulling them out and going with something that can be cleaned? Tile might make for easy cleaning and allow the pee problem to be solved. On the other hand, if it's easily medically fixable (and she's been many years incontinent when she could have been normally functioning?) it might be something to talk to her doctors about. If she's mentally not in a place to make good decisions for herself, it might be the right and loving thing to help her care for herself in getting that fixed. And if necessary, a nursing home need not be off the table, but I can't advise if that's necessary or not. I would definitely look into getting some help at some times at least, to allow a break for you and your husband.

As for how she talks to you, that's not easy. But I've dealt with something similar. What has worked for me is to FIRST get my feelings under control, because it can't be done in anger or hurt. (And getting your own feelings in proper order can take a great deal of work too.) But I have found it helpful, over time, to very matter-of-factly (again, not in anger or pain) to point out to the person what effect their words are having. But it is key not to react.

Not reacting we CAN learn from Christ. But that is the hardest part (and most beneficial to us spiritually) of the whole matter. I wish I could simply summarize it, but it takes more than that. It is many things - loving others in spite of any fault (as God does each of us), having the humility to recognize our own failings, excusing others and not demanding retribution for their errors which are usually born somewhere from an injury to their own souls, and so much more. We are even taught to be thankful for those who give us opportunity to learn such things, since we cannot learn this kind of love and humility in perfect relationships. But this takes conscious effort and practice to fight our very natural inclination to be offended.

Again, though, I'm not saying be a doormat. But responses can only be potentially helpful if delivered in love and humility, and a care for her soul (which perhaps she is destroying, after all, by being such a cutting and unkind person). If the concern is to get the upper hand or be justified, nothing good will come of it. Even if you were to "win" in that case, it would only feed negative things in yourself as well as her.

This can also be a good opportunity for you and your husband to build one another up and increase your devotion to one another and Christlikeness together.

But a few lines on an Internet forum can't give you the whole instruction. I would seek help for developing this mindset, but it may not be something embraced by everyone. It is a common understanding in Orthodoxy, which studies and meditates on the martyrs of the Church, for example, and has a monastic tradition which has focused on personal spiritual development along these lines. I'm not saying you must become Orthodox, but that there are tools there for helping with these kinds of things, and they are available to anyone (but could be confusing without some explanation).

Developing such a response helps not only in your response to one difficult person, but everyone through your life, and is immensely spiritually beneficial.


Anyway, I hope something in here is helpful to you. You have my prayers, all of you. God be with you!!!

 

[tturt]

Also, yes she could probably take meds to help with the incontinence problem. Just tell you're going to work on this problem together. Schedule an appointment asap to get a prescription from her gp or urologist and one of you go in with her to make sure that happens if approved. (Assuming cardiologist put her on the water pill? So he/she would need to know that) Yes, diapers have to be changed sometimes every hour or more frequently. Also, they have some that absorb better than others so she might be able to go longer than an hour in those or at least use those while she's sleeping. They are expensive so you might to contact some adult services programs and see if you can buy them in bulk and get them a little cheaper.

Waterproof pads for beds and some can be laundered. They're expensive too - seems like about $50 each. You would need several for all the buckets to help cut down on the problem especially if she won't wear a diaper. Then you might need 2 sets - one laundered (some have precautions for laundering). Maybe you could cut them so she wouldn't get tangled up in them. Would she be embarrassed if you had someone come in to clean carpets while she's there? Maybe a different strategy might deter her behavior. Or a toilet seat(s) instead of buckets? Also, just like a child, I would say praise her when she actually goes to the toilet.

Is your husband or you with her when she takes her meds? Because sometimes they forget, drop one, etc. You know some meds need to be taken with food while others don't. Also, encourage you to make sure that she's not consuming something that interferes with her meds like grapefruit including juice, certain spices, etc.

Honey, she's commanding control so stand up for yourself. As far as you being at her every call, I would just delay but assure her you'll be there in a few minutes. When she says "There's a cup on the floor. It's only been there three weeks. Another week won't hurt I guess." I would say something like - you're right another week won't really matter. ETC As Anatasia said laugh at least to yourself. Plus if she can do it for herself, like a child, praise her for doing it.

Asks your husband instead of arguing with her to just tell her he loves her and change the subject. Just try it - say for a month. She's probably going to get upset but that's ok. If they've argued all this long, what's a break of 30 days?

Really hope you and your husband take some time for yourselves. Hire an LPN to come by and make sure she takes her med and that she has food readily available when you guys are away.

Of course, I would pray to Yahweh asking Him for His wisdom, guidance, grace, and mercy.

 

[PoetStorm]

Thank you so much Chosen. Wow I don't know how you handled that. God Bless.It's true, sometimes one or both of us will wish that she would die, but I feel extremely guilty for having that thought.

Genny, we tell her almost daily it's time for a nursing home. When she was in rehab for a few weeks with her ankle, she was so much happier, less moody. She's a social person and at home she is isolated with us her only companions. It's the best thing all around, but it's her house and she is deemed of sound mind. She won't go. She's like a child in a way. She still won't give up her car in the driveway even though she hasn't driven in years. She hoards things and can't let go of things. I know it's a difficult decision for her but she's adamant.

Spirit, I don't know about that. We aren't able to keep up with all the cleaning and care in the way that she should be living, so I wrestle daily with immense feelings of guilt which leads to frustration because we are falling short of what needs to be done. We can't find a caregiver meeting near us. I've tried. There was one at a hospital but they don't meet anymore. She's on social security but not medicare, so no affording caregivers unfortunately. Plus she adamantly does not want an aide or any outside nurse etc. We've tried talking to her about having an aide come a few hours, but she says no.

Anastasia: Again thanks so much. Unfortunately, her house, her rules. The carpets stay. She is extremely stubborn on this. She's been seen by a few psychologists and is deemed mentally fit to make decisions for herself, even if they're bad ones. And yes the incontinence can be fixed by a bladder mesh or by getting an in home catheter...but we can't get her to go to a doctor. Ugh! Getting her out of the house at all is a monumental task. You have to really stay on her for hours pushing her to get ready and often at the last minute she'll say she doesn't want to go after all that work ans stress.

I am interested in these tips you mention. I was drawn closer to God and Christ this past December when I started really getting into reading the bible and trying to understand, because I sensed I needed Him for this. The problem is, she always gets us to react. We always lose. Either I'm in tears storming out of the house or my husband is screaming. We react differently but we can't seem to NOT react. It's really hard. She just gets you to your max frustration level and you always feel like crap for losing it...yet again.

 

[gennypearl]

awww man i am definitely praying for you. i was gonna say can't you guys just find a place of your own? but i am not so sure of you guys leaving her alone either.

 

[~Anastasia~]

I was hoping the practical tips would be of help. If you're interested in the spiritual ones, it's not easy (I have set myself that task and it got much harder before it got easier) but the benefit IS tremendous. It takes a great shifting of how we think, putting away our "normal human responses" which (at least in my case) were to get angry, defensive, hurt, want to strike back at the person, withdraw, and all of these kinds of things. Getting the upper hand of all those kinds of responses was very hard. But being able to look at a difficult person and see them with love and (the right kind of) pity is a very freeing experience going through life. Difficult, hurting people are everywhere. It gives a sense of abiding peace if we can overcome those passions in ourselves to some degree, and sometimes even draws a hurting person to want what we have received from Christ. As I said, of very great spiritual value.

The Orthodox Church is where I found such tools, and understanding of how to use them. That was one thing that really drew me. But as I said, you don't have to be Orthodox to learn and use them, but at times it may be very confusing without having explanation. I wish I could recommend a single book to accomplish all of this, but it was a combination of reading about the lives of a number of recent people recognized as Saints, and reading things written to train monastics (which must be understood in PRINCIPLE and not always in practice, since some things monks do are too strict for non-monastics). But I have read a number of books, and also listened to many podcasts on Ancient Faith Radio.

I wish I was experienced enough to offer real guidance, but I'm still working on myself and get advice from my own spiritual father. I think the podcasts, and the lives of holy people of the past few centuries, written in biography form, are probably the best introduction.

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

Agree. Shifts happen.

 

[PropheticTimes]

Firstly, I am so sorry you are burdened with all of this. As the sole caretaker of my ailing mom and with medical problems of my own, I can relate just a little bit but I certainly don't have the heaviness that you and your husband have.

The replies here have been wonderful but I have one thing to add - first and foremost it is a MUST that you care for yourself, and this means physically, emotionally and spiritually. Take 1 day of the week, get someone to watch mom for a couple hours if needed, and do something for yourself. That could mean something as simple as sitting on a park bench enjoying nature, grabbing a bite to eat, getting your hair done, taking a long bath, etc...anything that reminds you that YOU are important. If we don't take this bit of time for pampering ourselves we will easily burn out, stress out and the smallest of mole hills will feel like mountains.

All involved are in my prayers, and may God bless you greatly for your love and caring.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

It's going to take both you and your husband to speak up and
act on behalf of "stubborn mom".
Call 1-631-854-3232 (connect with Adult Services) and get
your name, information and address on their waiting list and
have them schedule a home visit to help you all work out the
situation with mom.

 

[Poppyseed78]

Yikes...I'm so sorry. I find it ironic she complains about a cup on the floor, when her carpets are literally soaked with urine.

Seriously though, I think you and your husband should move out. This is a horrible, unhealthy, toxic situation to live in. I could not handle it, I would lose my mind. In your shoes, I would contact elder services in your area to try to get help for your mother-in-law. Does her doctor know what's going on? Does she have a psychologist? I think she could benefit from some visiting nurses or home health aides, plus a cleaning service. There are issues here that you cannot solve, she needs some professional assistance.

 

[PoetStorm]

Thanks everyone for the advice and support. I so appreciate it. You have no idea. I realize I'm not in an objective place right now.

So we left last night. There was another blowup yesterday morning. My husband just transitioned to a new job at the end of June that he loves and is putting about 9 hours a day into. When he was thinking of leaving his old job she was haranguing him about not working. But yesterday morning she made fun of him and actually got angry with him for working! (It’s because he’s not at her beck and call all during the day anymore.) It’s like you can’t win one way or the other. So they got into a verbal spat about it, and she stands up, and lets loose with urine all over the livingroom carpet out of spite, and then tells him he should have been an abortion. She also threatened to call and try to get him fired from his new job, which is the one thing going good for him right now.

So of course he got angry with her and afterwards said a few choice words as well, at which point while we were both working, she calls the police to report verbal abuse. My God after all the stuff she's said to us. I know it's wrong to answer anger with anger, but she just pushed you to your very edge of control sometimes. I can't really blame him for yelling back.

We’re just so done with this stress. God forgive us. We bought a bunch of groceries, gave her written and verbal instructions of her insulin dosages, watched her do it in front of us, and then we left. Unless my husband changes his mind again, because they both go back and forth on the love-hate game, we’ll be stopping by occasionally to check in, but looking for an apartment. We’ll also call some services and let them know that she is alone and needs care.

It’s a terrifying time right now because his job is so new and my company was bought out by another so we don’t know if I’ll have a job past January. I just hope we’re not doing the wrong thing by God and I hope we don’t both end up penniless and jobless, but we just want to get away from the misery there. We’re staying with my dad for a week or so til we can get things straightened out.

 

[PoetStorm]

It's going to take both you and your husband to speak up and
act on behalf of "stubborn mom".
Call 1-631-854-3232 (connect with Adult Services) and get
your name, information and address on their waiting list and
have them schedule a home visit to help you all work out the
situation with mom.

I know about that, and APS has been here three times at our request in the last two years. Each time they said look, your mom is of sound mind and this is her house. She is making terrible choices but they are her right to make and we cannot override her. And then they closed the case. When we told them we were moving out, they said "Oh no you can't do that." and still closed the case. This was about a year ago. So she gets her freedom...but we don't? It's not fair.

Sorry, I know you mean well with the advice and I truly do appreciate it. We feel like we've tried everything, but it's always possible someone will think of something we haven't, so keep up the advice.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I'm praying that your mother in law gets the help she needs, and I'm praying that you and your husband have peace with your decision to move out and gain some stability and security during this time.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Praying for you all.

That scene sounds terrible.

Please feel free to keep us updated. I hope you'll keep looking for support and prayers here, whether or not we can helpfully advise.

All I can say for sure is - you and your husband MUST take care of yourselves too (it sounds like you're doing that). His mother really needs some changes to happen. A bit of "tough love" might be necessary (it sounds like you are laying some groundwork for that).

I also can't help but think that his mother must be a terribly tormented woman to inflict such behavior on her son. Whether or not you can break past whatever walls she has and touch that with healing, I don't know.

Lord have mercy on the whole situation. God be with you all.

 

[JCFantasy23]

Wow, this sounds so stressful!

I don't agree with the assessments that keep saying she's mentally sound. She is not acting like it.

You said it's an apartment so I wonder if there is any structural damage to the floor yet underneath those carpets. With the flies it came become a hazard eventually I would think.

You did the right thing by leaving - you have tried your best but she refuses to help herself. To me it sounds like she needs professional helps even if they aren't seeing it.

 

[tturt]

So sorry that this has happened - is happening.

If she's fine mentally (according to them) then it seems there wouldn't be a problem from one of those agencies later. But you might want to keep that grocery receipt, pictures of phone log where you contacted those agencies, etc.

Yes asking Yahweh for His mercy, too.