In-Law Rant

[ufonium2]

Okay, my in-laws just left. They're not the most involved parents in the world, and just now bothered to come visit their now six-week-old grandson. But I've accepted that. But get this:

Yesterday, I wore loose cotton pants, a dark tank top, and a white frilly button-up shirt over it, with the top two buttons undone. I'm sitting in my house (I think it's important to remember this occurred in my house) and my mother-in-law comes up and tells me to button my shirt, because her husband (my husband's dad, mind you) is looking at my chest. Remember, I was wearing a shirt UNDER this offending shirt. So I button the shirt, and that's not good enough. She wants me to change, to put on something less clingy. Sorry, I just had a baby, and I was curvy before that. Any clothing item short of a burqa is going to cling to my chest.

So anyway, I retreated to the bedroom to do some work, and left husband to deal with his family. Then mother-in-law comes along and says, "Sorry, but I was embarassed for you." That's right, embarassed for me.

The most ridiculous part is, I'm one of the most conservative dressers I know, for my age. One of my students assumed I was Pentecostal, for crying out loud. I never even wore shorts whenI lived in the South. People have been telling me I should dress younger my whole life, but according to my mother-in-law my clothes are scandalous.

Sorry for wasting two minutes of everyone's lives, but I had to vent.

 

[Ioan cel Nou]

My wife has similar problems with my mother (the die hard, makes Ian Paisley look like a Catholic, Protestant I've mentioned before). Nothing is ever good enough for her. It doesn't matter what she does, nothing will ever make a difference. I'm almost willing to bet that if you had been wearing some tent-like garment, your mother-in-law would have complained about that too. It seems to be a common problem between mothers- and daughters-in-law.

Now, I'm lucky in that my mother-in-law is a very kind and understanding woman (but then, we don't have the same religious tension that makes my wife's relations with my mother even more difficult). I have absolutely no complaints about her and can honestly say that we have never fallen out in any way. My mother and I, on the other hand, often fall out over her treatment of my wife.

I have every sympathy for you in your situation and for your husband, too. I know only too well how deeply embarassing and frustrating it is to be confronted with one's mother mistreating one's wife at every given opportunity.

James

 

[eoe]

She probably should have slapped her husband in the back of the head. That is what my wife would have done and I would have deserved it.

 

[Ioan cel Nou]

She probably should have slapped her husband in the back of the head. That is what my wife would have done and I would have deserved it.

But if her mother-in-law treats her anything like my mother treats my wife, the husband probably wasn't looking in the first place!

James

 

[eoe]

the husband probably wasn't looking in the first place!

(I probably still would have deserved it for something....)

Maybe it is simply an inlaw thing? Maybe the woman is jealous? Maybe she has an ego problem? Poor body image(mil that is...)?

At any rate if the woman is simply lashing out it is a result of something broken within herself. She could probably use some prayers (so could the husband - either way).

 

[ufonium2]

But if her mother-in-law treats her anything like my mother treats my wife, the husband probably wasn't looking in the first place!

You're right. It was just an excuse (and a silly excuse; my father-in-law has really poor vision and couldn't stare at women without it being really obvious) to insult me.

James, does your wife still attend functions with your family (holidays, etc.)? I'm inclined to avoid his mom and sister (she's actually worse, but fortunately she dislikes me enough to avoid my home) altogether. He thinks that's unhealthy for the kids. But having grown up in a similar situation (my dad's mom was positively hateful to my mother and her family, and eventually alienated my dad because of it) I think it may be healthier for kids to see me stay away from grandma's rather than see the stress it puts on my husband and I (not to mention seeing their grandma exhibit irrational nastiness).

 

[Ioan cel Nou]

You're right. It was just an excuse (and a silly excuse; my father-in-law has really poor vision and couldn't stare at women without it being really obvious) to insult me.

James, does your wife still attend functions with your family (holidays, etc.)? I'm inclined to avoid his mom and sister (she's actually worse, but fortunately she dislikes me enough to avoid my home) altogether. He thinks that's unhealthy for the kids. But having grown up in a similar situation (my dad's mom was positively hateful to my mother and her family, and eventually alienated my dad because of it) I think it may be healthier for kids to see me stay away from grandma's rather than see the stress it puts on my husband and I (not to mention seeing their grandma exhibit irrational nastiness).

She does, but she doesn't like it much (nor do I, actually). More often, we try to arrange it that my mother comes to us as she's a little less beligerant at our house than hers. We also tend to rely on my stepfather a lot as he's altogether more reasonable. Unfortunately, he works in the restaurant trade and so does odd ours which mean he sometimes can't be there - that's when the arguments get really bad.

The other thing we often try to do is let my mother have the kids while we do something else. That way we avoid nastiness and they still get to see their grandparents. It really is a difficult situation, though.

The amazing thing to me is that all my life I remember my mother complaining that my father never took her side against some of his hateful relatives (an aunt in particular). Since I've been married she now accuses me of failing her when I take my wife's side rather than hers. And she's unable to se the double standard in this!

James

 

[Matrona]

The most ridiculous part is, I'm one of the most conservative dressers I know, for my age. One of my students assumed I was Pentecostal, for crying out loud. I never even wore shorts whenI lived in the South. People have been telling me I should dress younger my whole life, but according to my mother-in-law my clothes are scandalous.

Even if you had been wearing a burqa, your MIL would have been complaining. I know it's hard, but try not to take it personally. To her, you're always going to be a tart and there's really nothing you can do to help that. You could be Mother Teresa and she'd be telling you to straighten your habit, and do something about those wrinkles for goodness' sake.

I wish I had more helpful advice to offer, but I'm not the diplomatic type.

 

[ufonium2]

I'm not the diplomatic type.

Neither am I, which is why I think just staying away might be better. I mean, it was all I could do not to walk around in a tube top (not that I own one, but I was gonna sacrifice one of my shirts to make one) in retaliation. Actually, my first inclination was to walk around the house in a state of dress not fit to discuss on these boards, but you get the idea.

 

[Matrona]

Actually, my first inclination was to walk around the house in a state of dress not fit to discuss on these boards, but you get the idea.

Yes, it's best not to play her games, it'll only give her ammunition with which to demonize you further.

When dealing with difficult people, I have found it helpful to visualize the insult literally rolling off my back.

I still can't believe the nerve she had with the "I was embarrassed for you" part. If she faux-pologizes to you again like that, say "I forgive you! Just don't do it again."

 

[choirfiend]

Yes, it's best not to play her games, it'll only give her ammunition with which to demonize you further.

When dealing with difficult people, I have found it helpful to visualize the insult literally rolling off my back.

I still can't believe the nerve she had with the "I was embarrassed for you" part. If she faux-pologizes to you again like that, say "I forgive you! Just don't do it again."

That is all great advice! I especially like the "I forgive you! Just dont do it again!" message