In desperate need for advice

[Skaria]

Hi guys, I'm in desperate need for advice. I'm in a serious relationship with a man that I intent to marry. He's been my biggest support for the last 4 years and honestly, other than him, I don't really have anyone. I only have my parents who abused me emotionally. I had a lot of hardships growing up, my abusive parents, bullying, poverty and so on.

When I met, let's call him Z, I felt like I found the kindest person on the planet. Not only that he was kind, but he was also intelligent and a good friend. We also had some things in common, to be more exact the bullying, not so great parents, and more. We both had a big emotional baggage but we loved each other, and we spent hours upon hours talking to each other every day. We met online, via a forum and decided to meet in real life too.

I live on another continent. He came to see me and decided to stay longer for my sake. Unfortunately, things didn't had a perfect start. In the beginning we almost separated because unlike in the online environment, I felt it was a lack of chemistry between us. I felt so guilty for it, it stung me. But again, he was the nicest, warmest personalities and I loved him a lot. So we decided to move on with our relationship. He found out about my concerns regarding the ''chemistry'' thing by mistake, because I logged on his computer on Google and he saw the google search history when he started typing his own things. We decided to give it another shot, because honestly, as I said, I loved him and he loved me too.

Here's one thing: fast forward 1 year, he's unhappy. Very unhappy. His discovery of my google searches absolutely devastated his confidence, it made him feel unwanted. Keep in mind he already had a history of getting bullied. He has anxiety and doesn't like where he lives because he doesn't speak the language and I can't move right away in his country of origins right after we get married either ( I think the visa thing would last for like 2 years). We still have a good relationship, we never fight, we love talking to each other, there's no drama whatsoever. I don't have any complaints about him, ZERO!

But I can tell he is unhappy and lately he's been experiencing these health issues that scare me, because I think they are caused by stress. He had diarrhoea for like a month, which went away, now he has a small infection, he's constantly talking about how his health is declining.... he also has health anxiety too... so I am not sure what's caused by stress and what isn't.

He's also telling me most days he find himself going almost crazy but he keeps it together for my sake. Telling me that his online job (very lowly paid) is slowly grinding him down and finishing him off. Again, the only reason he even has this job is because of me, so he can stay in another country for me.

I always thought we needed each other. Each other is all we've got, we had so many common experiences. I would give him a kidney if that would save him, but I'm afraid I'm a curse, and not a blessing to him. And all of his stress is actually my fault. He often told me that if something happens to me, he wouldn't date again. He didn't date before me and I didn't date before meeting him either, so I do tend to believe that. All being said, I feel like I am not making him happy at all.

I don't know whats normal in a relationship, what's not, I don't know anything anymore.

 

[Hazelelponi]

Hi guys, I'm in desperate need for advice. I'm in a serious relationship with a man that I intent to marry. He's been my biggest support for the last 4 years and honestly, other than him, I don't really have anyone. I only have my parents who abused me emotionally. I had a lot of hardships growing up, my abusive parents, bullying, poverty and so on.

When I met, let's call him Z, I felt like I found the kindest person on the planet. Not only that he was kind, but he was also intelligent and a good friend. We also had some things in common, to be more exact the bullying, not so great parents, and more. We both had a big emotional baggage but we loved each other, and we spent hours upon hours talking to each other every day. We met online, via a forum and decided to meet in real life too.

I live on another continent. He came to see me and decided to stay longer for my sake. Unfortunately, things didn't had a perfect start. In the beginning we almost separated because unlike in the online environment, I felt it was a lack of chemistry between us. I felt so guilty for it, it stung me. But again, he was the nicest, warmest personalities and I loved him a lot. So we decided to move on with our relationship. He found out about my concerns regarding the ''chemistry'' thing by mistake, because I logged on his computer on Google and he saw the google search history when he started typing his own things. We decided to give it another shot, because honestly, as I said, I loved him and he loved me too.

Here's one thing: fast forward 1 year, he's unhappy. Very unhappy. His discovery of my google searches absolutely devastated his confidence, it made him feel unwanted. Keep in mind he already had a history of getting bullied. He has anxiety and doesn't like where he lives because he doesn't speak the language and I can't move right away in his country of origins right after we get married either ( I think the visa thing would last for like 2 years). We still have a good relationship, we never fight, we love talking to each other, there's no drama whatsoever. I don't have any complaints about him, ZERO!

But I can tell he is unhappy and lately he's been experiencing these health issues that scare me, because I think they are caused by stress. He had diarrhoea for like a month, which went away, now he has a small infection, he's constantly talking about how his health is declining.... he also has health anxiety too... so I am not sure what's caused by stress and what isn't.

He's also telling me most days he find himself going almost crazy but he keeps it together for my sake. Telling me that his online job (very lowly paid) is slowly grinding him down and finishing him off. Again, the only reason he even has this job is because of me, so he can stay in another country for me.

I always thought we needed each other. Each other is all we've got, we had so many common experiences. I would give him a kidney if that would save him, but I'm afraid I'm a curse, and not a blessing to him. And all of his stress is actually my fault. He often told me that if something happens to me, he wouldn't date again. He didn't date before me and I didn't date before meeting him either, so I do tend to believe that. All being said, I feel like I am not making him happy at all.

I don't know whats normal in a relationship, what's not, I don't know anything anymore.

Intercultural marriages are tough...

When I was young I married a man who came to my country on a student visa. He was from my parents country but as I was born and raised in the west, and he overseas in a completely different culture it just never worked - to a severe degree.

Our marriage was under constant stress, and our intercultural differences difficult to overcome even though we had the same faith same race.

If your fiance left a nice country and decent job to live overseas, he's stressed just due to that. A vacation is one thing, living somewhere else in a culture he's unused to and never before been exposed to has got to be a huge challenge.

If he already has mental health issues (like anxiety) in his own country, it's just going to be amplified in this situation.

It must be said it's not you, it's simply an environment that is stressful.

When you couple that with a relationship across cultural lines that has challenges all it's own, and its all likely too much for him to deal with given both his, and your, mental health challenges.

If I was you, given what I know now at my age with my background, I would ask him to go back to his own country to live. Period. He needs to.

If you both decide to stay together, then do what is necessary to get your visa in his country, and do your relationship long distance in the meantime.

Just remember, intercultural relationships can work, but they are far more difficult to make them work than any other relationship, period. Most fail because of it.

 

[paul1149]

There's a lot of loose ends here that need to be dealt with, but the one that stands out foremost to me is the need for an honest discussion of the lack of chemistry thing. Maybe if he understands the way you were feeling when he first came over, and sees it in the context of your caring for him nonetheless, the stinger will be removed; it might even be a point of healing for him emotionally regarding past experiences. In any case, communication about the challenges before you will be needed for you guys to work together.

 

[Skaria]

There's a lot of loose ends here that need to be dealt with, but the one that stands out foremost to me is the need for an honest discussion of the lack of chemistry thing. Maybe if he understands the way you were feeling when he first came over, and sees it in the context of your caring for him nonetheless, the stinger will be removed; it might even be a point of healing for him emotionally regarding past experiences. In any case, communication about the challenges before you will be needed for you guys to work together.

I sorta tried to speak about this before, and the result was disastrous. He told me that in the beginning he thought of going back and he considered leaving. I think to this day he has some resentment towards me and I guess I can't blame him. He was bullied a lot growing up and instead of helping him out, I was just another thorn in his skin.

 

[Skaria]

Intercultural marriages are tough...

When I was young I married a man who came to my country on a student visa. He was from my parents country but as I was born and raised in the west, and he overseas in a completely different culture it just never worked - to a severe degree.

Our marriage was under constant stress, and our intercultural differences difficult to overcome even though we had the same faith same race.

If your fiance left a nice country and decent job to live overseas, he's stressed just due to that. A vacation is one thing, living somewhere else in a culture he's unused to and never before been exposed to has got to be a huge challenge.

If he already has mental health issues (like anxiety) in his own country, it's just going to be amplified in this situation.

It must be said it's not you, it's simply an environment that is stressful.

When you couple that with a relationship across cultural lines that has challenges all it's own, and its all likely too much for him to deal with given both his, and your, mental health challenges.

If I was you, given what I know now at my age with my background, I would ask him to go back to his own country to live. Period. He needs to.

If you both decide to stay together, then do what is necessary to get your visa in his country, and do your relationship long distance in the meantime.

Just remember, intercultural relationships can work, but they are far more difficult to make them work than any other relationship, period. Most fail because of it.

The problem is that if I would imply him to go back and try to get a job in his country of origins.. he would take it as me telling him I want to break up with him. He also often tells me he can't find other jobs because now he has a job in a specific niche in his resume and starting all over again in another field where he has no experience, would probably land him a grocery store job or something of that sort. Keep in mind he has 2 degrees, and no, they are not a degree in history, art or English.

He's a very intelligent man but he is stuck in his anxieties and never had much support growing up. His family is not great to him either, they try but they also drink a lot, smoke, and have very unhealthy behaviours would drive anyone around them crazy. I feel like sending him back temporarily to get his feet under and feel more confident about himself would actually be me throwing him off a bridge.

 

[paul1149]

I sorta tried to speak about this before, and the result was disastrous. He told me that in the beginning he thought of going back and he considered leaving. I think to this day he has some resentment towards me and I guess I can't blame him. He was bullied a lot growing up and instead of helping him out, I was just another thorn in his skin.

Sooner or later he has to deal with his past hurts, or he'll keep on associating them with you.