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In a tough parenting situation.

Discussion in 'Parenting' started by Jermayn, Jul 6, 2019.

  1. Jermayn

    Jermayn New Member

    28
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    I really need to get an opinion from you guys on how you would feel about this. How would you react if your 18 year old daughter (or son) expressed that they wish they were adopted by another family, people that you know, because they feel like the are a part of that family as well and don't really feel complete without them?
     
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  2. Tropical Wilds

    Tropical Wilds Lord, beer me strength...

    +1,200
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    US-Others
    As long as there were no red flags indicating things like abuse, I’d probably ignore it.
     
  3. Dave L

    Dave L Well-Known Member Supporter

    +3,249
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    I would question why the other family is so inviting. Do they have pure motives?
     
  4. Greengardener

    Greengardener for love is of God Supporter

    197
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    That's an interesting question! These are just thoughts that come to mind when I hear you ask this. My credentials? I've raised several kids, all of whom are independent and don't write home for money (one measure of success I suppose, lol). They all seem to be making reasonable decisions at the helms of their own lives, so I would guess that would be where you want your 18 year old to be. There are all sorts of factors that I don't know, so ignore this if it doesn't fit. Keep in mind that much of what an older person will tell you is based on how many times they did it wrong and figured out that what they had done didn't work. Some of it is based from having been that young person and having an opinion about interactions that were helpful or not. From that reservoir of experience I speak. The suggestions I offer might also be wrong, but here goes. See if this helps any.

    If I were looking at my 18 year old saying that, I think I'd explore what he/she is feeling and offer empathetic responses. If that other family is a good influence overall, I'd encourage bonding with them as much as they are able. What do you have to lose there? My kids had significant families they felt safe with. In a multitude of counselors there is safety, right? If the family this 18 year olds wants to join isn't a good influence, I'd explore with him/her what possible consequences could come by being full time in that environment, things like would it really help him or her in light of long term goals. Granted, at 18, I myself had NO long-term goals, but imagining that I'm the 18 year old, I do think someone actually listening to what I was thinking/feeling, someone who could guide me with very gentle questions, even to the point of asking permission to ask and making frequent assurances that nothing I was going to say was going to be used to stab me, might have made for some good. It would have likely bonded me closer to that someone (you in this case) who cared enough to take time to explore who I am as an individual and who would trust me to keep the reins of control of my life in my own hand by staying away from the parental control button in support my autonomy. At age 18 a person is considered old enough to join the military, so it's beneficial to make sure that the shift from parental control to self control is both in place and respected. Being along-side instead of confrontational may also give me, if I'm that 18 year old, reason to start thinking about the reality of a future and how I would want to handle it.
     
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  5. Tolworth John

    Tolworth John Well-Known Member

    +2,075
    United Kingdom
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    I would want to know why.
    Children often feel powerless and react by trying to hurt their parents. Saying I wish I was part of 'x's' family or was adopted by 'y's' is one way of hurting you.

    Talk, if they will, about why they feel that way?
    What is so attractive in those families.

    Are there problems at school/college?

    A recent big, big, family row?

    If they won't talk but from there behaviour it is clear there are issues/problems is there anyone at church who they could talk to?
     
  6. MaLou

    MaLou New Member

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  7. JacobKStarkey

    JacobKStarkey Well-Known Member

    +698
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    The teen may feel more 'whatever' over in the other family. As an 18 year old, even in your family, said teen has the right to feelings. As long as communications are civil, let it ride and tell said teen "we love you, too, and we do things differently here."
     
  8. MaLou

    MaLou New Member

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    I agrr
     
  9. eleos1954

    eleos1954 God is Love Supporter

    +1,855
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    US-Others
    He/she are just being flippent ... our son stated this type of thing several times to us over his younger years ... he has since recanted on his flippent remarks many many times ... Don't be concerned about it.
     
  10. JacobKStarkey

    JacobKStarkey Well-Known Member

    +698
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    teens being teens
     
  11. christine40

    christine40 Well-Known Member

    +5,852
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    following
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2019
  12. Joined2krist

    Joined2krist Well-Known Member

    674
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    I did the same thing when I was a teen because I wanted to hurt my mum's feelings. I never meant it
     
  13. JAM2b

    JAM2b Newbie

    +1,554
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Divorced
    I would want to know what makes them feel that way. Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side, but sometimes there's something effecting a kid deeply that you might not realize.

    Ask questions, and if they don't give answers, seek counseling from a licensed professional. There may be nothing to it besides teenage/young adult discontent. But there could be something troubling that you are not aware of, but could correct.
     
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