My suffering is endless, and God has destined me for failure. It all started with childhood medical trauma (private matter, no questions please) when I was a kid, which people have used as an excuse to bully me as well as distrust in my ability to function, even though I don’t remember much of that time period and theres medical proof I’ve long since recovered.
Then comes college several years after receiving Christ as my savior, and found this to be the perfect opportunity to strengthen my faith through seemingly wholesome Bible study groups and church. But the church that I previously gave my life and resources to ended up being a place notorious for abusing its members, with many of the people who I have previously called friends there having condemned me for being “too honest”, “offensive”, and “heathen” for just simply reaching out for help in the midst of my academic struggles. This has happened after disagreeing with the church’s beliefs.
People in ALL my Bible study groups/churches so far have proven to be hypocritical and self-absorbed, with many people I’ve called best friends in my former faith groups ceasing contact with me or unfollowing me after making my transition to grad school, leaving those church settings or even something tiny like a disagreement or some off-hand remark taken the wrong way. I’m like a prostitute in a one night stand; I get into the heat of a short moment without love. Even when I have been slow to find new friends of any kind because of my negative experiences I’ve still been condemned for expressing my fear in response to so many hurts. So much for Matthew 18:20.
Going off my inability to serve God or His people in any way, I’m also unable to find love. While I humiliate myself with attempts to date I gaze at all the people flashing their dating/marriage lives in my face. I’m terrified of offending God’s daugthers in any way even when I’ve done no wrong, due to my last church imposing legalism on dating, marriage and sexual desire. When I meet girls, especially Christian girls, it’s like any time I show love, whether its platonic or sexual, romantic or Godly, all of them just pass me off as another sexual predator because of previous negative experiences. Sorry for the rant. Please don’t call me crazy or weak in faithcomedy of errors called. I’m just looking for God’s love even though I’m a pitiful excuse of a sinner.
My questions I pose here that I need truth and encouragement spoken into are these:
Then comes college several years after receiving Christ as my savior, and found this to be the perfect opportunity to strengthen my faith through seemingly wholesome Bible study groups and church. But the church that I previously gave my life and resources to ended up being a place notorious for abusing its members, with many of the people who I have previously called friends there having condemned me for being “too honest”, “offensive”, and “heathen” for just simply reaching out for help in the midst of my academic struggles. This has happened after disagreeing with the church’s beliefs.
People in ALL my Bible study groups/churches so far have proven to be hypocritical and self-absorbed, with many people I’ve called best friends in my former faith groups ceasing contact with me or unfollowing me after making my transition to grad school, leaving those church settings or even something tiny like a disagreement or some off-hand remark taken the wrong way. I’m like a prostitute in a one night stand; I get into the heat of a short moment without love. Even when I have been slow to find new friends of any kind because of my negative experiences I’ve still been condemned for expressing my fear in response to so many hurts. So much for Matthew 18:20.
Going off my inability to serve God or His people in any way, I’m also unable to find love. While I humiliate myself with attempts to date I gaze at all the people flashing their dating/marriage lives in my face. I’m terrified of offending God’s daugthers in any way even when I’ve done no wrong, due to my last church imposing legalism on dating, marriage and sexual desire. When I meet girls, especially Christian girls, it’s like any time I show love, whether its platonic or sexual, romantic or Godly, all of them just pass me off as another sexual predator because of previous negative experiences. Sorry for the rant. Please don’t call me crazy or weak in faithcomedy of errors called. I’m just looking for God’s love even though I’m a pitiful excuse of a sinner.
My questions I pose here that I need truth and encouragement spoken into are these:
- Does God hate me????
- Am I really as screwed up as people say I am?
- Have I committed too many sins and mistakes to even be of use in God’s Kingdom or go to heaven? In my experience all His Kingdom seems to be about is keeping a list of all my wrongs and embarrassments.
- This isnt at all important, I need God more than a GF but I am still interested in finding romance, yet I feel incapable. Am I an unlovable and boring nerd with nothing to offer?
- Did God create me with so called spiritual gifts? Or am I completely useless pain in the tail as fellow Christians have demonstrated towards me?
- How can I be at peace with God’s sons and daugthers and making friends after so many instances of Christians living in contrary to His faithfulness?
