I have been going through a lot. Back in 2016 is when my spiritual battle began. I was always a worry wart and i used to get scary thoughts as a child which I later found out to be ocd. I grew up in the church and used to sing "yes jesus loves me" until one day someone close to me told me jesus wasn't real and that we were really Egyptians. I believed this person so I went years just praying to God only. Sinning as well but asking God for forgiveness soon afterwards. Anyway years later I became very envious and jealous of one of my cousins beauty and it made me depressed and i didn't want to be jealous anymore and i wanted to change my ways so I turned to the bible and that's when I found out about how God doesn't like vanity. I began to read revelations and it initially didnt scare me. I had no fear of anything in it at all. I stupidly thought that revelations was something to look forward to because I felt like it would make my present worries seem small. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and savior and I read some scriptures of him that made me so happy and filled me with tears of joy until one day this huge wave of confusion overcame me and I could not understand anything I felt like I was entering another world or something. Also prior to my relationship with Christ I was trying to expose the devil for what he was doing and i think this is what opened me up for a demonic attack. Also sometimes i worry that my turn to Christianity was hypocritical, because I was jealous of others and wanted to not be like these other vain people when I myself had vain ways and i pointed the finger at how they were all vain. I wonder if God is judging whether my turn to Christianity was genuine. This bothers me and depresses me. I read about the mark of the b-word and wanted to find out what it was so I could protect myself from it (stupid I know because only God can protect you from it). I was looking it up online trying to figure out what it was and to this day I still don't know what it was and that's when my imagination started guess "what if it's this? What if it's that?" Until one day I started worrying about everything. One night out of fear i prayed to Jesus that I didn't get the mark I the b-word and then i went to sleep and thats when i had this out of body experience of this bright light overcoming me and burning me. In the Out of body experience this light overcame me and it got hotter and hotter and hotter and hotter until I worried "is this hell? Is this hell?" And then i woke up. It scared the crap out of me. It made me feel like i couldnt trust jesus because i put my trust in him and then that happened to me. (Lately i worried if that was the lake of fire and that what if i am already in hell on earth?) I began reading into the lyrics of this one song that was warning people about technology and i became fearful and then i got in the car and thats when my eyes went dead and i felt like an empty shell and i think i was dying thats when i called on Jesus. Out of faith I knew He was going to come through for me. I had this incredible faith and then life came back into me. I felt like i was dying that day. Then i started worrying that it was a false miracle. Anyway after reading the bible a few days I became confused and I know God is not the author of confusion. One day i looked up God in the dictionary and i had this jealous feeling come over me and that scared me. I knew something wasn't right and prayed to God to help me. I cried because I couldn't understand why this was happening to me. One day my parents just took me to the psychward and thats when everything got better. I was released and was put in a group hme and i just watched messagesbabout casting my cares on christ and thats what i did. I felt this peace. 2017 came and thats when i said "what i need jesus for?" I difnt realize how stupid i was or what i was saying and i didnt know that is the unpardonable sin. Is that really the unpardonable sin? It was all done out of ignorance. I worried about the solar eclipse because it made me think about the scripture in the bible where it said "i will darken the sun" it scared me and made me think we were all going to be in darkness. I ended up back in the psychward And they injected me with this stuff at the hospital and then they took a picture of my money and then they poked me with this this thumb prick and drew blood after that my fingernail started welting. I worried if they were killing me. Then this lady at the psychward said "when you come here you are able to keep your job." Thats when it made me think about the mark of the b-word cause i read internet when you get the mark you will be able to keep your job. That scared me. When I was finally released from the psychward i went home and one night in my ear i heard agony like he was being tormented. It scared me. It sounded like death was all around me. One morning i woke up and felt like I was in a different world and the crazy part is on that same day i checked my facebook and they said a memory for that status i made that said "I am not of this world". That scared the crap out of me. My friends keep saying the mark of the b-word time hasnt even came yet. But i thought "what if its already here?" and Im just the only one who knows about it. Then one day i woke up and didnt feel gods love . I lost all my friends. My world just grew darK. I now think that all of this happened because i committed the unpardonable sin. I feel empty. I dont remember the last time I laughed or felt warm inside or smiled and just knew everything was going to be alright. I feel like its too late for me. I will never be the same again. i feel like theees a black hole in my heart and my innocence of life is gone. I go to sleep scared and wake up scared. I also read its a sin to have self esteem ans that brought me down even lower. Now when I look in the mirror i dont even know who I am anymore. I feel like my life is absent of God. Dont know what to do because it said in the bible "their hearts will grow cold"
Last edited:
