I'm now a widower. Now what?

DaveHTexas

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I laid it out on the prayer wall, my beautiful wife of 15 years passed away yesterday evening suddenly and unexpectedly. We were planning a long, service and fun filled life together.

I am not sure even how to start processing what happened, I have so many questions, but I found googling that I am a 50 something widower comes up with results that tell me I should be on this that or the other dating site.

Get away from me with all that nonsense.

If I have to be without her, I am good with being alone. But I have no idea how to go about that and need help.

I know the grief will pass, like a kidney stone I am sure, I am right now an absolute mess, and while I am grateful for all the calls, and visits, I have to answer to everyone that asks if I am okay. No, I am not okay, but that is to be expected. Half of me just got ripped away. My pain is soul deep. I at least know it's okay to not be okay...

My question is how do I navigate this path back to okay? How do I get the answers for the many questions coming at me so fast about what I need to do for her final affairs? Who can help me navigate this?

I need answers to why she was taken, medically, for my own sanity, so I have asked for an autopsy, so that buys me a bit of time, not sure how much. But I know so much needs to happen so fast, but I have no idea about any of this.
 

Sabertooth

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My question is how do I navigate this path back to okay?
Right now, just take time to grieve. There are no shortcuts. Everything else will be there when that diminishes. Make the best decisions when you have to, but put off those that can wait.

Due to divorce, I did not grow up with my dad, only reconnecting later in life. When he passed, the grief was inescapable.
 
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Aldebaran

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I laid it out on the prayer wall, my beautiful wife of 15 years passed away yesterday evening suddenly and unexpectedly. We were planning a long, service and fun filled life together.

I am not sure even how to start processing what happened, I have so many questions, but I found googling that I am a 50 something widower comes up with results that tell me I should be on this that or the other dating site.

Get away from me with all that nonsense.

If I have to be without her, I am good with being alone. But I have no idea how to go about that and need help.

I know the grief will pass, like a kidney stone I am sure, I am right now an absolute mess, and while I am grateful for all the calls, and visits, I have to answer to everyone that asks if I am okay. No, I am not okay, but that is to be expected. Half of me just got ripped away. My pain is soul deep. I at least know it's okay to not be okay...

My question is how do I navigate this path back to okay? How do I get the answers for the many questions coming at me so fast about what I need to do for her final affairs? Who can help me navigate this?

I need answers to why she was taken, medically, for my own sanity, so I have asked for an autopsy, so that buys me a bit of time, not sure how much. But I know so much needs to happen so fast, but I have no idea about any of this.

First of all, I'm very sorry to hear about the passing of your wife. Even though I've never been married myself, I realize this must be one of the worst things you've ever gone through, especially when it happens so unexpectedly. I can't say that the coming days are going to be easy, or that there's anything anyone can say that would make them any easier.

As to how to handle her final affairs, there are some online resources that can at least give you some guidelines as to what to do. Here is one: Handling Your Loved Ones Affairs After They Die
 
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JosephZ

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returntosender

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I laid it out on the prayer wall, my beautiful wife of 15 years passed away yesterday evening suddenly and unexpectedly. We were planning a long, service and fun filled life together.

I am not sure even how to start processing what happened, I have so many questions, but I found googling that I am a 50 something widower comes up with results that tell me I should be on this that or the other dating site.

Get away from me with all that nonsense.

If I have to be without her, I am good with being alone. But I have no idea how to go about that and need help.

I know the grief will pass, like a kidney stone I am sure, I am right now an absolute mess, and while I am grateful for all the calls, and visits, I have to answer to everyone that asks if I am okay. No, I am not okay, but that is to be expected. Half of me just got ripped away. My pain is soul deep. I at least know it's okay to not be okay...

My question is how do I navigate this path back to okay? How do I get the answers for the many questions coming at me so fast about what I need to do for her final affairs? Who can help me navigate this?

I need answers to why she was taken, medically, for my own sanity, so I have asked for an autopsy, so that buys me a bit of time, not sure how much. But I know so much needs to happen so fast, but I have no idea about any of this.
I am so so sorry.
If you need help with how to proceed with funeral, etc. I am sure your minister could help with what you need to do. One day at a time. Breathe, everything in good time.
God bless you and guide you and hold you close!
 
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SilverBear

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I understand exactly what you are going through and I know the crushing weight off the emptiness that you can't explain to others. It does get better. It took months before I could get out of bed in the morning without having to force myself. I was lucky to have family to help me with 3 small children. Lucky to have friends who kept asking if i was OK.

I found the best response to those asking if I am OK is to be bluntly honest. "No, I am not OK, but I will be."

If you find that things are not better, if you are neglecting parts of your life, if it becomes too much then please seek out professional help. Start with your local hospice, they have experienced grief counselors.
 
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eleos1954

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I laid it out on the prayer wall, my beautiful wife of 15 years passed away yesterday evening suddenly and unexpectedly. We were planning a long, service and fun filled life together.

I am not sure even how to start processing what happened, I have so many questions, but I found googling that I am a 50 something widower comes up with results that tell me I should be on this that or the other dating site.

Get away from me with all that nonsense.

If I have to be without her, I am good with being alone. But I have no idea how to go about that and need help.

I know the grief will pass, like a kidney stone I am sure, I am right now an absolute mess, and while I am grateful for all the calls, and visits, I have to answer to everyone that asks if I am okay. No, I am not okay, but that is to be expected. Half of me just got ripped away. My pain is soul deep. I at least know it's okay to not be okay...

My question is how do I navigate this path back to okay? How do I get the answers for the many questions coming at me so fast about what I need to do for her final affairs? Who can help me navigate this?

I need answers to why she was taken, medically, for my own sanity, so I have asked for an autopsy, so that buys me a bit of time, not sure how much. But I know so much needs to happen so fast, but I have no idea about any of this.

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. It is very difficult when we lose a loved one. You will be on an emotional roller coaster for a while .... lean on the Lord He will help you go through it. Time heals .... Jesus heals .... in His own time.

May the Lord give you strength during this difficult time. Amen.
 
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My question is how do I navigate this path back to okay?
I am so so sorry that this had to happen. I also lost my spouse. First, let me offer condolences.

The thing that worked the most for me was/is time. It's like you relearn how to do everything one thing at a time. To answer your question, something thing I would recommend is a good grief counselor.

In my case I tried to just "be strong" and after a couple of months of just trying to push it out of my mind and distract myself, someone asked how I was doing and I sobbed for literally days. I was so hysterical. That's why I say talk to somebody professional ASAP or join a grief group. I've heard good things about that. You may learn some techniques that help you get through the day and you have somewhere to unload all that stuff on a regular basis. When you are ready of course

As time goes by you stop thinking about it constantly. After a certain amount of time (it's different for everybody) you may realize one day at lunch or something that it wasn't the first thing you thought of that day. Time is the biggest healer of all IMO. At some point, the open wound begins to heal and scar over. The scar will always remind you of it but you will be able to see how much healing you have done.

I will pray for your healing....God bless you and your late wife. Her soul is with God.
 
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peregrinus2017

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I don't know where you are located, but my wife works for hospice locally. Here they have many people and resources to help with all aspects of the process, both for those dying and their loved ones, including the legal/paperwork issues. Might be worth reaching out if there is something in your area. I am sincerely sorry for the pain you are going through.
 
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Michie

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I laid it out on the prayer wall, my beautiful wife of 15 years passed away yesterday evening suddenly and unexpectedly. We were planning a long, service and fun filled life together.

I am not sure even how to start processing what happened, I have so many questions, but I found googling that I am a 50 something widower comes up with results that tell me I should be on this that or the other dating site.

Get away from me with all that nonsense.

If I have to be without her, I am good with being alone. But I have no idea how to go about that and need help.

I know the grief will pass, like a kidney stone I am sure, I am right now an absolute mess, and while I am grateful for all the calls, and visits, I have to answer to everyone that asks if I am okay. No, I am not okay, but that is to be expected. Half of me just got ripped away. My pain is soul deep. I at least know it's okay to not be okay...

My question is how do I navigate this path back to okay? How do I get the answers for the many questions coming at me so fast about what I need to do for her final affairs? Who can help me navigate this?

I need answers to why she was taken, medically, for my own sanity, so I have asked for an autopsy, so that buys me a bit of time, not sure how much. But I know so much needs to happen so fast, but I have no idea about any of this.
It’s too soon to use dating sites if ever. They seem to cause more problems than they are worth. Take time to grieve. Find a support system like a grief group where you can discuss these things with others that understand. Fellowship with other believers and pray. Try to make an effort to take care of yourself. Go out to eat, see a movie. Find a book you can get engrossed in. Take it one day at a time. There will always be a part of you that grieves for her. Just be easy with yourself. It’s going to be slow going but eventually you will get to a point where it does not totally absorb you. Praying for the Lord to grant you peace and comfort during this very difficult time.
 
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I laid it out on the prayer wall, my beautiful wife of 15 years passed away yesterday evening suddenly and unexpectedly. We were planning a long, service and fun filled life together.

I am not sure even how to start processing what happened, I have so many questions, but I found googling that I am a 50 something widower comes up with results that tell me I should be on this that or the other dating site.

Get away from me with all that nonsense.

If I have to be without her, I am good with being alone. But I have no idea how to go about that and need help.

I know the grief will pass, like a kidney stone I am sure, I am right now an absolute mess, and while I am grateful for all the calls, and visits, I have to answer to everyone that asks if I am okay. No, I am not okay, but that is to be expected. Half of me just got ripped away. My pain is soul deep. I at least know it's okay to not be okay...

My question is how do I navigate this path back to okay? How do I get the answers for the many questions coming at me so fast about what I need to do for her final affairs? Who can help me navigate this?

I need answers to why she was taken, medically, for my own sanity, so I have asked for an autopsy, so that buys me a bit of time, not sure how much. But I know so much needs to happen so fast, but I have no idea about any of this.
Sorry to read about your loss. I lost my mother last summer. My brother had to cancel her Social Security number. My other brother sprinkled her ashes in an arboretum she used to visit. I remember she used to write articles for a small town newspaper and was active in a church fellowship meeting ladies from her church in a coffee shop one of the owned. There is sorrow, but most of the time I do not think about her or other family members I have lost.
 
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DaveHTexas

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Right now, just take time to grieve. There are no shortcuts. Everything else will be there when that diminishes. Make the best decisions when you have to, but put off those that can wait.

Due to divorce, I did not grow up with my dad, only reconnecting later in life. When he passed, the grief was inescapable.

I could have written that part of the divorce. I reconnected with my Dad literally around the same time of my own divorce. I loved my Dad, but to be blunt this is different. I can't explain it, but it is much much deeper...
 
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DaveHTexas

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It’s too soon to use dating sites if ever. They seem to cause more problems than they are worth. Take time to grieve. Find a support system like a grief group where you can discuss these things with others that understand. Fellowship with other believers and pray. Try to make an effort to take care of yourself. Go out to eat, see a movie. Find a book you can get engrossed in. Take it one day at a time. There will always be a part of you that grieves for her. Just be easy with yourself. It’s going to be slow going but eventually you will get to a point where it does not totally absorb you. Praying for the Lord to grant you peace and comfort during this very difficult time.

Dating isn't even a consideration. My fuss was looking for adivce on how to proceed, ALL the results pointed to dating sites. I want to figure out my live moving forward, not find a replace a wife. That's not my style... I can't even imagine considering it yet. Even though my ex cheated and left me for a coworker, and I KNEW I was no longer bound to her, it took me a long time after I married my beautiful bride to shake the feeling I was being unfaithful that to be honest is a horrible feeling for me.

After I posted up my original post here, I talked with our church, we apparently have a person, a lady that will help guide me through the mess. And apparently I need to start calling funeral homes and see if I can get that lined up. I am a bit torn. We live in Galveston County TX, and the cemetery she wants is in the inner loop in Houston. I know the area, but I don't know anything about the funeral homes... Apparently the list is coming my way tomorrow though...
 
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disciple Clint

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I laid it out on the prayer wall, my beautiful wife of 15 years passed away yesterday evening suddenly and unexpectedly. We were planning a long, service and fun filled life together.

I am not sure even how to start processing what happened, I have so many questions, but I found googling that I am a 50 something widower comes up with results that tell me I should be on this that or the other dating site.

Get away from me with all that nonsense.

If I have to be without her, I am good with being alone. But I have no idea how to go about that and need help.

I know the grief will pass, like a kidney stone I am sure, I am right now an absolute mess, and while I am grateful for all the calls, and visits, I have to answer to everyone that asks if I am okay. No, I am not okay, but that is to be expected. Half of me just got ripped away. My pain is soul deep. I at least know it's okay to not be okay...

My question is how do I navigate this path back to okay? How do I get the answers for the many questions coming at me so fast about what I need to do for her final affairs? Who can help me navigate this?

I need answers to why she was taken, medically, for my own sanity, so I have asked for an autopsy, so that buys me a bit of time, not sure how much. But I know so much needs to happen so fast, but I have no idea about any of this.
I understand, right now it is best to have a family member help you with the immediate decisions, your decision making ability is not dependable right now and input from others helps a lot, also having a family member that can help with all the immediate details helps a lot. If you are a vet check to see if you are eligible for a space in one of the national cemeteries that benefit covers your wife as well as you. Watch out for the people who want to sell you on spending thousands on a funeral. Do not hesitate to tell people you are not ok, trying to pretend that you are not hurting is not going to help. There is grief counseling available. Your wife no doubt would want you to be happy in the future no need to think about that now, when the time is right you will know. It get easier with time but you will walk into emotional landmines from time to time and the pain will be difficult. Turn to God, pray, cry, let others help you for a while. May God bless you and comfort you.
 
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Annel Bench

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I hope you are doing ok. I can only imagine the loneliness that you have been experiencing. Does it help to pray? After prayer do you feel comfort, or just the same? In the bible it says we go through these painful experiences so that we can become refined and changed into something better, stronger in our faith. I guess we have to choose strength, somehow, over loosing faith and feeling lost. When I received terrible news about my 3 year old son having optical and brain tumors, I felt lost! Then shortly afterwards I had an awful experience in the hospital with the workers that were working with him. I was so angry with those individuals and even God, because he had to go through so much unfair pain. A friend of mine told me that in her experience working with people going through similar trials, she sees them either become stronger or those great trials break them, and they become bitter and resentful. At the time her comment didn't help, it actually bugged me. I felt like she wouldn't have been so easy to judge if she were in my shoes, or if she had ever experienced anything remotely close. Years have passed by and my son continues to feel pain and more pain. His diagnosis has only gotten worst. My strength seems to be like a rollercoaster ride, with more downs than ups. But I still hear my friend's words, and I am determined to keep struggling through these trials. I have promised myself that I will never loose faith in God and His love for me and my son! Sometimes I feel broken and alone, but I will continue to push through until I feel the peace that comes from knowing my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ has overcame all of this pain and suffering. I know He will make everything right again. I know He understands and loves us all! Please hang in there and continue to reach for His light!
 
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DaveHTexas

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I am still here, chugging away. I am not going to lie and say I am doing okay. I'm not. I know where she is, and I KNOW God has every right to do whatever he wants. But if I am completely honest I am angry that he chose to take her now, instead of having us lead out lives serving him here for the next twenty or thirty years that we kind of assumed we had. I know I am the one off base here and it is not like God sinned against me or anything. But to put it a different way. I am a child of god and I am going to have a temper tantrum because I am not getting things the way I think they should go. God is good, and patient and waiting for me to get up off the floor and get moving again. Read my posts and started threads and you will see, I have been through a lot of loss since 2018, actually 2017 if you could losing Kiti our cat that is my profile pic... (she died of bone cancer). NONE of the losses, even the loss of my Dad, tore me to shreds like losing my wife. I pray, it helps, a little. And you are very right about lonely. I can not even begin to describe it. I can be in a room with a thousand people and feel all alone. Our church has been fantastic, and I am beyond words glad that God has blessed us with a great church. It's been over 3 months, and the autopsy report is still not here. And I am not sure I want to see it. I don't want to re-live that horrible day because either the ER doc was right and it was an infection an underlying condition she had left her vulerable to that we did NOT know anything about, or she was flat out ignoring her Diabetes and lying to me about checking her sugars and taking her meds... I know I kept her fed with low carb / diabetic friendly food... I'm sorry, this is bringing up so much emotion right now.

On a good note, I had lost my job 2 weeks to the day prior to her passing. I was finally able to land a new job, and will start monday, that is both exciting, and terrifying. I know the company knows of my situation, but I do not want to be sitting at my desk working and have to bail out to the bathroom to cry my eyes out or just break down at my desk in front of people I don't know yet...
 
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