I'm not diagnosed with anything, I'm just sick of living

[NinaUA]

Hi,
I do nat have any diagnoses like depression or anything similar. Though, how would I knoe if I never went to a psycologist?...
I live in a coutry where having any mental health issues is shameful. From the times of Soviet Union everything that would look wrong was covered, not treated. It is not common to go to a psycologist or consider any kind of therapy. And I do not even know where to go.
Also I feel ashamed that I have had suisidal thought even though I am a christian. You know how they say, "You're a christian, you know God loves you, how can you not want to live" or even "You gave your life to Jesus, now you have no right to take it. If you kill yourself you'll burn on hell."
But what if it feels like hell in here? I sometimes feel like I'm burning alive.

Well, do not worry, I am not thinking about hurting myself. I lost two friends to suicide and I know how awful that feels. I just can't put my family and friends through this.

But the question is, how do I live now? There are some physical health issues that are on my way to normal life. But noone sees how hard it is for me. The sing is, I am cross-eyed. My friends and family say they got used to it, and it is not that bad. Though, for be it has been a barrier when talking to people... and even before that. It is said that impression is made from the first three seconds of seeing a person. And what people thing when they see me? I've been in very acward situations where a person I was talking to could not understand where am I looking at and kept looking over her shoulder as if someone was behind her and I was looking there... And when I worked and the fairs, when people would approach me willing to bye something and both would start talking to me beacuse each thought I was looking at him... It even sounds redicilous to say that I was looking at both of them. Well, not intentionally. But I was. And I couldn't explain.
The worst thing is when I must talk to people, especially to men, especially to the guy I like... You know how they show in all those romantic movies (well, in life people do that too) when people look each other in the eyes and they do not even have to talk. You know how that feels to know you never get to feel that feeling, that kind of connection?
It is too hard to explain what it means to me, and ow I feel. And I'm not even sure why I did that. That is why I went to a place where noone knows me. So that if I regret I told you everything I can forget this ever happened, because I will never have to see you. At least one good thing about virtual life...

 

[Tessica]

A friend of mine once told me that the thoughts of suicide and self-harm are the Devils work. If you read His word out-loud, the Devil cannot enter your mind.
You are made in His image, and no one can take that away from you. You are beautiful because He made you that way. Don't give up yet. Stay strong and believe in Him and yourself. He believes in you.

 

[A_Thinker]

Hi,
I do nat have any diagnoses like depression or anything similar. Though, how would I knoe if I never went to a psycologist?...
I live in a coutry where having any mental health issues is shameful. From the times of Soviet Union everything that would look wrong was covered, not treated. It is not common to go to a psycologist or consider any kind of therapy. And I do not even know where to go.
Also I feel ashamed that I have had suisidal thought even though I am a christian. You know how they say, "You're a christian, you know God loves you, how can you not want to live" or even "You gave your life to Jesus, now you have no right to take it. If you kill yourself you'll burn on hell."
But what if it feels like hell in here? I sometimes feel like I'm burning alive.

Well, do not worry, I am not thinking about hurting myself. I lost two friends to suicide and I know how awful that feels. I just can't put my family and friends through this.

But the question is, how do I live now? There are some physical health issues that are on my way to normal life. But noone sees how hard it is for me. The sing is, I am cross-eyed. My friends and family say they got used to it, and it is not that bad. Though, for be it has been a barrier when talking to people... and even before that. It is said that impression is made from the first three seconds of seeing a person. And what people thing when they see me? I've been in very acward situations where a person I was talking to could not understand where am I looking at and kept looking over her shoulder as if someone was behind her and I was looking there... And when I worked and the fairs, when people would approach me willing to bye something and both would start talking to me beacuse each thought I was looking at him... It even sounds redicilous to say that I was looking at both of them. Well, not intentionally. But I was. And I couldn't explain.
The worst thing is when I must talk to people, especially to men, especially to the guy I like... You know how they show in all those romantic movies (well, in life people do that too) when people look each other in the eyes and they do not even have to talk. You know how that feels to know you never get to feel that feeling, that kind of connection?
It is too hard to explain what it means to me, and ow I feel. And I'm not even sure why I did that. That is why I went to a place where noone knows me. So that if I regret I told you everything I can forget this ever happened, because I will never have to see you. At least one good thing about virtual life...

I'm going to tell you what just popped into my mind ... you can, of course, determine whether it might work for you.

Overpower them with personality !!!

You know ... everyone, except a select few, ... have to overcome some flaws in their personal presentation.

For me, I'm an introvert ... which can make it hard for people to connect with me. And it wasn't until I was 36 or so that someone made it through all my walls of protection.

It can be the same for you. When the right person comes along, there will be that connection. Just be patient and be about doing God's work ...

 

[VeraH]

Hi,
I do nat have any diagnoses like depression or anything similar. Though, how would I knoe if I never went to a psycologist?...
I live in a coutry where having any mental health issues is shameful. From the times of Soviet Union everything that would look wrong was covered, not treated. It is not common to go to a psycologist or consider any kind of therapy. And I do not even know where to go.
Also I feel ashamed that I have had suisidal thought even though I am a christian. You know how they say, "You're a christian, you know God loves you, how can you not want to live" or even "You gave your life to Jesus, now you have no right to take it. If you kill yourself you'll burn on hell."
But what if it feels like hell in here? I sometimes feel like I'm burning alive.

Well, do not worry, I am not thinking about hurting myself. I lost two friends to suicide and I know how awful that feels. I just can't put my family and friends through this.

But the question is, how do I live now? There are some physical health issues that are on my way to normal life. But noone sees how hard it is for me. The sing is, I am cross-eyed. My friends and family say they got used to it, and it is not that bad. Though, for be it has been a barrier when talking to people... and even before that. It is said that impression is made from the first three seconds of seeing a person. And what people thing when they see me? I've been in very acward situations where a person I was talking to could not understand where am I looking at and kept looking over her shoulder as if someone was behind her and I was looking there... And when I worked and the fairs, when people would approach me willing to bye something and both would start talking to me beacuse each thought I was looking at him... It even sounds redicilous to say that I was looking at both of them. Well, not intentionally. But I was. And I couldn't explain.
The worst thing is when I must talk to people, especially to men, especially to the guy I like... You know how they show in all those romantic movies (well, in life people do that too) when people look each other in the eyes and they do not even have to talk. You know how that feels to know you never get to feel that feeling, that kind of connection?
It is too hard to explain what it means to me, and ow I feel. And I'm not even sure why I did that. That is why I went to a place where noone knows me. So that if I regret I told you everything I can forget this ever happened, because I will never have to see you. At least one good thing about virtual life...

Hi Nina. I just found your post by an accident, and I'm glad that I did... I come from the same background as you and went through this "burning fire" years ago. What you described what is happening to you on the inside, is exactly what was happening to me. I felt like God has deserted me, and I no longer had hope of Salvation. I could not sleep and could not eat. I felt like my soul was already burning in hell. I had absolutely no joy in life. And worst of all I felt like I was alone and no one would understand me.
But I finally got courage and went to speak with my mom first and then with my pastor. They were both very supportive and always upheld me in prayer. I know for sure that I got into this depression because I did something that a Christian should not and those sins of mine had to be exposed. It took me years to get rid of this depression. But today as I look back at it, I'm glad that God has led me through this valley. I feel much closer to Him now and through this trial He helped me to look at life from a different perspective.
I hope my words will help you and please don't give up. Yes God still loves you and He will never leave you. Whenever you feel like you can't take it anymore, think of Jesus Christ being crussified for our sins on the cross and praise Him inside your heart for all that He has done for you (this is what helped me the most). Побиждай все раскалённые стрели лукавого твёрдою верою! И неунывай. Читай Псалом 41 и Иссая 43.
May God bless you and strengthens you.

 

[Jeshu]

Sorry to hear of your struggle and pain. A difficult situation you are in. The good news is with Jesus as Lord we can get past such times and situations. See when we build our self esteem in worldly fashion then we always get big inner fires when it goes wrong, or already when we fear it might go wrong. Those hot emotions that roast us and make us feel total useless and utterly crappy. i've been there myself as well plenty of times.

However when we build our self esteem in Jesus' loving truth then we become very different in how we deal with our emotions and we learn to look at Jesus for positive feedback about who we are and what we look like and let His undying love build us spiritually.

This is what i recommend you do to get away from your situation - find your personal identity in Christ alone. With The Lord even depressive feelings can teach and bring us good life instead of just bad i know to be true about all that.

The good thing is when God's love lives in our heart others who seek good life are attracted to us and it is easier to make relationships because serving God together will be what drives not looks.

Not promising that Jesus has someone in store for you to love and be loved by, but if He has it will be the right one for you and your needs.

Each time you hurt your identity take it to Jesus and let Him show you the truth about yourself instead of those hot horrible feelings lying to you and upsetting you so badly. Keep giving those feelings and thoughts to Jesus and let Him correct you in love and you will be able to rise above your hurts and those things keeping you down now.

Much love on your way.

Psalm 139:1-18
You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.


Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,’
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.


For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand –
when I awake, I am still with you.

 

[Tempura]

Well, do not worry, I am not thinking about hurting myself. I lost two friends to suicide and I know how awful that feels. I just can't put my family and friends through this.

I'm so glad you said this. Of course I am not glad about the way you lost your friends - may God bless them - but I'm glad you have made this decision. It's a strong decision, a great one. I remember when I struggled with it, but in the end I decided like you did. It became part of a foundation for myself, and I started dealing with bad thoughts as if they were "enemies". I wasn't willing to be their slave anymore, and even if I could feel them, I was fighting them. I started to reject what those thoughts had to offer - which was nothing but pain.

When some time had passed, I stopped thinking of hell, and I stopped thinking of christianity as some arbitrary set of rules. I was focusing on love, what love means and what is Godly love in Jesus Christ, what is grace, what is humility. I also had to understand what it means to be a sinner, to face my dark side instead of just talking about it. With depression, I had to face it. I had to face many doubts and fears, but I'm quite certain I'm in a better place with my faith than I ever was. It's not some random thing I have to fear anymore, but more like something to strive for, something good to hope for. This faith, God willing, will carry me until the end.

About your eyes, many of us have things that are visible or audible right away. As for me, I stutter. My brains work a lot better than my mouth, and I'm pretty sure some people think I'm an idiot. Put me in a place where I have to read something aloud where I can't change the words, and I will freeze. I will never make a good impression on anyone when I talk. But I'm older now, it doesn't bother me that much, and we all learn to deal with what we have. You will too. And because you have to deal with things, you will have a different perception of life, and especially weakness. You won't be quick to judge people, and you will show compassion. Compassionate people are the best ones to be around, and in time they will attract people of the same kind, one way or another.

Funny thing about that "romantic movie staring moment". Of the few girls I've loved, they got the most loving stares from me when they didn't even know it. They were asleep, and I was awake. Those moments you speak of, they can be superficial. What matters is loving hearts, and real connection - we don't need circumstances to be superficially "right" in order for that connection to happen. I know many people worry about these things, they have insecurities and it's easy for me to say, but we tend to give too much importance to things that rarely deserve it.

About psychologists and treatment, how much do the opinions of others matter to you? Would they not want you to get better? Do you think it's a sign of weakness? Or is it more weak to not get help, because of some preconceived notions of other people's opinions? I had to get help, because I was really weak. I couldn't pretend anymore. In a way I was lucky to be weak enough, because I too thought it was shameful to be afraid of everything, full of anxiety and eventually depression. I wouldn't have gotten help if I absolutely didn't have to, and even if it worked for me in the end, I wouldn't want anyone else to think that way. If something is wrong, we should try to get on that, try to do something about it, instead of pretending. Of course I'm not saying that all treatment works all the time, it doesn't, not even in a long shot. But be open to the idea of getting help, if that's what you need. It takes a lot more "balls" to do that, especially in an environment where it's shunned. If you're young, it's unfortunately "normal" for young people to feel absolutely lost nowadays, and it's hard to say what's normal angst and what isn't. But you know it best. If it's not just about insecurities and "growing pains", and if instead you find it very hard to function, and if life becomes unbearable, there's your answer, and you have issues you need to work on (I'm also not saying that "growing pains" don't matter. They matter to everyone who has them, and it can be a good experience for them to talk to someone) And it's not a death sentence, in fact it's not a sentence at all, it's a possibility. If you know there is a problem, you're already far ahead of those who can't see those same problems in themselves. You see something valuable: a problem that needs to be solved. You're taking one step further.

God bless you, said a prayer for you. Don't feel bad about posting here.

 

[NinaUA]

woke up tonight and couldn't sleep for a few hours. thought why didn't I jump from that stupid bridge? my friend did...
yesterday was pretty hard. there is this guy I like. he asked me for a cup of coffee two weeks ago. and he's been so friendly to me. I started expeting that it might turn into something. but I think that it is just his way of communicating. I might missinterprite it. it probably was just a friendly talk, nothing more.
how do I teach myself not to expect anything from people so that I do not get disappointed?... I keep blaming myself for getting to attached to people

 

[VeraH]

woke up tonight and couldn't sleep for a few hours. thought why didn't I jump from that stupid bridge? my friend did...
yesterday was pretty hard. there is this guy I like. he asked me for a cup of coffee two weeks ago. and he's been so friendly to me. I started expeting that it might turn into something. but I think that it is just his way of communicating. I might missinterprite it. it probably was just a friendly talk, nothing more.
how do I teach myself not to expect anything from people so that I do not get disappointed?... I keep blaming myself for getting to attached to people

Dear friend,
Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.(Matt. 6:33).
Delight in the law of the Lord, and meditated in His law day and night. (As written in Psalm 1:2)
I'm sure that God has a purpose for you in this life, as He has for each one of us. Put God first in your life. Learn to trust Him, let Him lead you and He will bless you, and the day will come when you will truly rejoice in Him.
I'm sorry if my words are a bit hard, but I really hope and pray that God answers your prayers and will send you His peace and happiness, and the right soul mate.
Be strong
With love,
Your sister in Christ

 

[NinaUA]

Dear friend,
Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.(Matt. 6:33).
Delight in the law of the Lord, and meditated in His law day and night. (As written in Psalm 1:2)
I'm sure that God has a purpose for you in this life, as He has for each one of us. Put God first in your life. Learn to trust Him, let Him lead you and He will bless you, and the day will come when you will truly rejoice in Him.
I'm sorry if my words are a bit hard, but I really hope and pray that God answers your prayers and will send you His peace and happiness, and the right soul mate.
Be strong
With love,
Your sister in Christ

Your words are not hard. It's just you say same thing everyone does. and I understand it myself too. But ubderstanding is not helping the times when I need a support... I don't know how to explain it. But I think you'll understand. Every christian knows that God must be on the first place. But who knows how to live according to that? How to live around people who do not understand you? How to explain your feeling to people who never saw the world through your eyes? What do you do if you actually have noone but God?

When you say "put God first" it sounds so easy. Well, it isn't. And it feels a lot worse when everyone keep saying you must delight in the law of the Lord, and you just don't know how. And then you feel guilty, you think you are bad person, bad christian because you love God but you still feel depressed sometimes...

Maybe you've never been in such a dark place...