I'm not as upset as this sounds

[LovebirdsFlying]

OK, this is yet another thread on how my husband doesn't always listen to me, but as the title says, I'm not as upset as I might sound here. I'm only curious and trying to understand it.

He's working in the yard right now, dragging stuff away to be hauled to the dump. We have no garage or driveway. There is a considerable distance between our house and the parking spaces, and the HOA leader pitches a HISSY if you drive on the grass. There are apparently septic pipes underground, and she's afraid the weight of a car would damage it and the HOA would have to pay for costly repairs. So he has to carry it quite a way, and he does have back trouble.

We don't have a wheelbarrow, and I think these pieces are too long and narrow for one anyway. I suggested piling it on a tarp and dragging the tarp out to his pickup truck, rather than making so many trips. He immediately shot that down and said it's not heavy. And I can't help but think, if a man had made that suggestion, he'd have done it.

Any insight?

 

[mkgal1]

Your suggestion seems like a great one to me. It didn't seem to imply anything about the weight of what he's hauling.....just a means for more efficient work. He'd actually be moving MORE weight at a time with your idea.

It does sound like a defensive response from him.

 

[snoochface]

I think guys - well, people, but guys in particular - just like to do things their own way. They've come up with a plan they've started to execute and they just want to get it done their way. I don't know if he'd have done it if another guy had suggested it, but really neither do you, you're speculating. I suspect he really didn't give it much thought. He was on a task and just wanted to finish it up.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

In his defense, just yesterday I wrote a rant on Facebook about how I don't like it when people tell me what they don't think I can handle, and what might be too much for me. Let me decide what my limitations are. Just because I'm disabled doesn't mean all I'm good for is to sit in a corner and watch everybody else do the work.

He has disabilities too. He was treated extensively for scoliosis in his teen years. I can still see a slight curvature. Scoliosis does often lead to back trouble later in life, and I know he has pain. Could he have been thinking the same way I do? "Don't tell me what I can't handle."

PS: Reason for the speculation is, it's not without precedent. I make a suggestion. He shrugs it off. A man (our pastor, maybe, or his best friend who is also our deacon) makes the same suggestion, and he does it. Often he'll say he misunderstood me when I said it, and it didn't click until the pastor or friend said it too. But if there is miscommunication going on, it isn't because I didn't speak clearly. He himself will acknowledge that sometimes people say one thing, and he hears another.

 

[mkgal1]

Often he'll say he misunderstood me when I said it, and it didn't click until the pastor or friend said it too.

Well.....this could be a situation where he's misunderstanding you (because he thought you were suggesting these branches were too heavy for him....but you were giving him an idea that saves him trips....not that it would make for an easier way to transport something heavy).

I think that's what happens when we're defensive (or sensitive to correction....or even sensitive to better ideas that aren't our own)....we hear something different in the process and make assumptions (assumptions like, "you think I'm doing it wrong" or "you don't think I'm strong enough"....etc).

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I'm defensive too. There's a guy at our church who likes to "joke" that the reason Adam got in trouble was because he listened to his wife. I am so sick of that "joke," but it does make me wonder what's behind it.

 

[mkgal1]

Eh......I'm not sure if that's being defensive or just realizing something is "off" with that "joke". I think you're right to question that

To me...."defensive" is more like being unable to hear others, because we're too concerned with being "right" or not being "wrong". I think it's a knee-jerk sort of response to automatically reject the ideas of others (without really giving them any consideration).

I do think we all can be that way once in a while (at least).

 

[Winken]

Sounds like you two are at loggerheads. He is subservient to the pastor and deacon, not to you. You are subservient to your expectations of him, rather than he just being him. Call it a tie, keep on loving each other, be blessed in Him.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Well, the stuff's gone now, and he's not back from the dump yet. Doesn't matter how he did it. It got done. The thing is, when his back hurts later because he made all those trips, it's going to be a struggle for me not to say "told you so." Understand, I won't say it. But I'll have to make an effort not to.

 

[Winken]

Well, the stuff's gone now, and he's not back from the dump yet. Doesn't matter how he did it. It got done. The thing is, when his back hurts later because he made all those trips, it's going to be a struggle for me not to say "told you so." Understand, I won't say it. But I'll have to make an effort not to.

Sounds like my wife....... "I told you........."

 

[royal priest]

Any insight?

Set out the Ibuprofen on his nightstand for when he wakes in the AM. 1 Peter 3:1

 

[Willie T]

He is doing the MUCH smarter thing. Trying to drag a tarp full of branches across the lawn is a lot harder than making a few extra trips with a light branch in your hands. And it is a good way to hurt your back.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Set out the Ibuprofen on his nightstand for when he wakes in the AM. 1 Peter 3:1

Will do.

He is doing the MUCH smarter thing. Trying to drag a tarp full of branches across the lawn is a lot harder than making a few extra trips with a light branch in your hands. And it is a good way to hurt your back.

OK. Thank you. Understood.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Well, here's how it turned out. He is a little sore and achy right now, but if Willie is correct (and there is no reason to think otherwise) he would have been sore and achy anyway. Some days he can come home from an ordinary day at work and be sore and achy. Both of us have been doing some really hard work over the last couple of days, and I'm sore and achy too.

Rather than "told you so," I said to him, "I'm going to take some Advil. You want any?" So we took Advil together. Then because our day wasn't over yet, we still had errands to run, neither of us was up to cooking any supper. He is the only one with an income, but he gives me a bit of money every payday, in case I have expenses. I haven't had any in a while, so I've been saving it up. I took him out to dinner.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Oh. For the record, it wasn't branches. A few years ago, he built a greenhouse in the back yard. Unfortunately, a few storms blew it apart more than once. Then we found out we can't have one anyway. The yard itself isn't much bigger than the greenhouse was, and it blocked access to the septic tank when it needed to be cleaned. So, since it was currently destroyed by the latest storm anyway, he dismantled it. He was hauling away the PVC pipes today.

 

[turkle]

I have learned over the years that unsolicited advice is usually unwelcome by most people. As much as I want to help, I've learned to zip it (usually). My husband really appreciates that.

 

[tampasteve]

He has disabilities too. He was treated extensively for scoliosis in his teen years. I can still see a slight curvature. Scoliosis does often lead to back trouble later in life, and I know he has pain. Could he have been thinking the same way I do? "Don't tell me what I can't handle."

First, I do not know you or your husband. Second, speaking as someone with a obvious back condition (kyphosis) I can say that carrying one or two pieces at a time would be less taxing for me than trying to pull and drag a much heavier tarp the distance, even if it took me longer as the exertion would be a different one and use my back, arms and legs in a different manner. I know my limits and I honestly do not like having to explain something as this to someone that does not understand my condition, honestly it makes me feel inadequate. But perhaps this is different for him and this is not the case.

 

[*LILAC]

I have learned over the years that unsolicited advice is usually unwelcome by most people. As much as I want to help, I've learned to zip it (usually). My husband really appreciates that.

Yep, same here. When it comes to outside work hubby usually already has a plan formed in his mind and I've learned to just leave and let be so he can do his thang.

 

[mkgal1]

I honestly do not like having to explain something as this to someone that does not understand my condition, honestly it makes me feel inadequate.

This is good insight. I'm sorry about your condition, Steve. I can understand how frustrating it would be if you have your mind all prepared to complete a task (in the way you know is best for you) and then have to try to explain (or defend) your way of doing it.

 

[tampasteve]

This is good insight. I'm sorry about your condition, Steve. I can understand how frustrating it would be if you have your mind all prepared to complete a task (in the way you know is best for you) and then have to try to explain (or defend) your way of doing it.

Thanks I am blessed to have a great wife that is understanding and reasonably sensitive to this