To the original poster, that was an amazing post. To the poster immediately after the first poster, what do you mean "doesn't He have to give it back to you"? There is such a thing as backsliding. Anyways, in regards to the orginal post, I want to start by saying thank you for posting your feelings, questions, frustrations, etc. It is something everyone has to deal with. I don't know you, and I can never understand what happened in your life to get you to the point you are at today. So, what I will do is discuss my relationship with Christ, and share my thoughts, feelings, and questions I've had. Hopefully, this will grant you some comfort, even if you still choose to not be a Christian.
I was raised by my great-grandma, because my parents were extremely selfish and shouldn't have had any children. They divorced shortly after I was born and my mother left me for my great grandma to raise. We went to church until I was about 4 or 5, which consisted of me sleeping basically. My great-grandma was a black woman born in 1916 in the south, so she was a very strong-willed person who was never scared to fight for her children and confront others (including cussing like crazy, haha, which I picked up in spades). But, she was completely loyal to me and the other two generation of boys she raised. She raised her son, and then raised 3 of her sons kids. Sports was a big part of my life, so games on Sunday put an end to church. Even though we didn't go to church, and we never really discussed God, my life was filled with love from my great-grandma (the only family I had), and she taught me good morals in the way she was honest, did what was right, and fought for those she loved. During my adolescence (around age 15 on) I would occasionally read the bible when things were really bad, and cry out to God. But, I never thanked Him when things were going well. Overall, I am a good person and have never drank, smoked, partied, or done drugs. I have also not had sex. I am NOT saying that to glorify myself, it is just the truth. I never had ANY desire to drink, smoke, do drugs, or party, but I DID have the desire to have a girlfriend, and perhaps have sex. But, looking back, things just never worked out and I never had a gf. I wasn't in the popular crowd in high school so there was no pressure for me to do anything I didn't want to do, and thus there wasn't girls all over me. I'll come back to these last few sentences in a moment. My second year in college was hell for me. My great-grandma was in and out of the hospital and no one knew if she would make it, me and my two female roommates did not get along, I was short on money, my face was breaking out for the first time in my life, and I hated my classes. It was a rough point in my life, but also it was the turning point. Again, I read the bible off and on, but didn't talk to Jesus much, basically I was just having the "whoa is me" pity party. On my birthday, I was sitting at work and it came to me that I should take a year off from school to get my life back on track. So, I did. I went home to live with my great grandma again, and take a break from school for the first time since pre-school. Well, that year was a major turning point in my life. I was able to spend time with my great-grandma for 14 months, then after volunteering at a vet hospital for two weeks (I was prevet in college), I was offered a Full-Time position after someone was let go. Out of the blue I was given a full-time assistant position (I had no experience prior), and the chance to gain some needed experience in the field. During that year, I had a tough time dealing with a few bad apples at work who openly called themselves "*****es" and were proud of it. It was tough, but it made me start reading the bible more, and talking to Jesus more everyday. Despite other people's curiosity on whether I would return to school, I did, just like I said and knew I would. I couldn't be what I wanted to be in life, without going to college, and the truth is school was easy I just didn't enjoy it and therefore didn't study enough. During the first year back I stayed in a studio apartment which was perfect. It gave me a chance to really be alone with God and my thoughts. I had always been a heavy thinker, and love spending time all to myself. The next two years after returning I grew in the Lord by leaps and bounds, and SAW God answers so many of my prayers, and SAW God working in my life to change me. After applying for a kennel position and doing well in the interview, when driving home from that, I felt that I wouldn't get the job, even though it went great, and that it was ok, because something BETTER was coming up. I didn't know what but I knew it would. Before I forget, let me say that the night before I was called in for an interview, I prayed in the shower for God to show me a sign that he is with me. Well, two months after turning in my resume, I get a call wanting me for an interview. Let me just say that I was praising God all day, and still do to this day for things like that. Well, God's promise to me that something better was coming proved true. Instead of the kennel position, I was offered a vet technicial position (better than an assistant at my first job and much better than a lowly kennel job) at the same hospital. It was amazing. I have been working there ever since, and the lessons I learned at my old job have made this job a fanstastic experience.
As far as vet school went, I felt in my spirit that God had promised me that I would get into vet school at my college, which happened to be in the top 5 in the nation. Well, God performed a miracle during my GRE's when he blessed me with a score that was 15% higher than the 7 practice tests I had taken the week leading up to the GRE, the same practice tests where I had A DICTIONARY AND THESAURUS in front of me that I used, haha. I prayed the night before the GRE and asked that God would be with me tomorrow. At that I slept great, got up with a smile, and promised myself that I would enjoy the test and let God take care of the rest. He DID! I was floored when I saw my score, and I will never take credit for it because it WASN'T ME taking that test, there is no way my score would be that much higher than my practice tests. My vet school interview was on my birthday, and I felt entirely confident that God would speak through me during my interview, and therefore felt no nervesness. Others in the waiting area were self professed nervous wrecks, but I had a light smile and was just talking and praying to Jesus. Two days later, I got accepted to vet school and immediately got on my knees and thanked God. The weird thing was I wasn't excited, it was more of "OK, well I'm up to mile 15 on the 26 mile marathon."
Hopefully, you are still reading this and have stayed with me. I say all that to tell you these next few things. I have only highlighted a few major things from my life, and a few prayers answered and miracles performed by God in my life. There are many more but there is not enough time to write about them. God was with me my entire life, guiding me, keeping me out of trouble so that my prayers of a simple life, one with Jesus at the center and a life of helping children, the elderly, the poor, and animals, could come to pass. The Bible says that as we mature as Christians are desires will be more and more like Jesus's. God and God alone removed any desires that I might have had for drugs and alcohol, and by His own will did not allow me to have a GF when I was younger before I committed to being a virgin when and if I get married. God has blessed me with looks, intelligence, ambition, kindness, athletic ability, the desire to always improve myself, and many other traits. People that meet me, and even my best friend can't believe that I have never even kissed a girl before (waiting to do it with my first GF). My best friend after knowing me for a year thought I must be lying about being a virgin. I always pray that God's will will be done in my life, and not my own. My will is fickle and based only on my subjective perspective. God can see my entire life and the lives of others, and He will make good the lives of His children. There are always tests always tests along the way, rough times that build character, where God can "see what is in you." Even though I was made fun of in school, ignored in high school, had horrible parents who have done little good in my life, lost my great-grandmother over a year ago, been rejected by society many times for just being different (not drinking, smoking, partying, sex) and asked "What is wroing with you". Haha, it's amazing how cruel people can be if you are not a follower. I would never say that every Christian who says they are Christian is a true Christian. There are counterfeit Christians, just like there is counterfeit money. But true Christians, will be with you during times such as this where you are searching for answers. I myself don't have the words to help you, anymore than showing you God's love through what I have experienced. If God can turn what others plan for evil into good, change Paul from one who is on his way to arrest and kill Christ's followers into a great author of the New Testament, then He can and WILL surely help you if you continue to ask, knock, and search for His guidance. He will not abandon you just like He did not abandon Job. You don't know what God has allowed to happen to you and why, but you can be sure of one thing, God is true to His word, He has to be, that is why He is God. He does not break promises and therefore you can trust in them. You never know how God will weave your life into His great plan, and make you an inspiration to others. Through my experiences, I can understand how someone feels when they were raised in a broken home, had horrible parents, was made fun of at school, felt isolated, felt inadequate in themselves, felt alone, lost a loved one, etc. All my good and bad experiences helped me be the person I am today and I would not take anything back. I haven't felt depressed in over 2 years, the time I started actively developing my relationship with Jesus. This does not mean that bad things don't happen, because believe me they do. It means that I have a hope and faith in Christ that only comes from the grace of God, where I am never in a bad mood, I am slow to get angry and it only lasts a few minutes, I am always looking for the positives, and when I don't see any at that time, then I pray and have faith that God is in control. God has never let me down, and He never will. If you start tonight to begin asking sincerely, as you've said you've done, to open your eyes so that you may see His love, FOR HIS NAMESAKE, that you may glorify and praise Him, then I KNOW that God will answer your prayers. Don't give up after a few nights, but know that it took 21 days of fasting before Daniel recieved his revelation, and it took 25 years for Gods promise of a son to come to pass, so it MAY be with you. It may take a little time, but know this, God DID answer their prayers, and He DID remain faithful to His promises. He will remain faithful to you.
If you would like to talk further on IM or something or just want to email me with a positive or negative response, then you can contact me at
benquarrles@hotmail.com
Thanks.
