I'm in trouble, here's my story....

[wblastyn]

Well, I'm 24 so youth group won't work to well...but there is a young adult group for 18-30 yr olds at the church I was going to, but no one ever talked to me and when I'd start talking to someone they would just turn and start talking to someone else....I really don't want anything to do with other people, if I can find 1 or 2 close friends to hang out with that would be great, but I don't ever see that happening....

I think I know what you mean? You like having close friends who you can trust, but other people you can't so you'd rather just avoid them?

I can talk to my friends ok but if it's someone I hardly know I get really nervous (I have SAD) and have to avoid them. It gets really annoying when people try to be "friendly" to me because I think they are just pretending and secretly making fun of me behind my back. I'm also really depressed and I guess I look it too because people at my work keep asking me "what's wrong" and "be more talkative/energetic". I'm not going to stand and tell this random person all my problems so I just lie and say "nothing".

 

[doofus125]

I think I know what you mean? You like having close friends who you can trust, but other people you can't so you'd rather just avoid them?

I can talk to my friends ok but if it's someone I hardly know I get really nervous (I have SAD) and have to avoid them. It gets really annoying when people try to be "friendly" to me because I think they are just pretending and secretly making fun of me behind my back. I'm also really depressed and I guess I look it too because people at my work keep asking me "what's wrong" and "be more talkative/energetic". I'm not going to stand and tell this random person all my problems so I just lie and say "nothing".

What's SAD? That's how I am...I don't want to have lots of friends that I barely see, I want a couple close friends that I see all the time and do stuff with them all the time.....people at the young adult group I was going to seem so fake sometimes, but I really don't know if they are or not so I never get close to any of them because I don't want to have to spill the beans to someone that won't want bothered with me anyways.....I was laid off from my job because of my attitude at the end, I was just miserable and didn't want bothered by anyone and that just doesn't work when you are in management, but since I had been such a good employee in the past they didn't want to fire me so they laid me off so I'd get unemployment....now I feel like I can't do anything right and that it's all going to happen again so I just sit at home eating.....my unemployment was up last month, 9 months of it.....I'm living on my savings which will hold me out another 6-8 months, but I can't live like this forever.....that's why I just wanna die.....I just don't care if I live or not anymore....

 

[Christi]

Doofus125,
Hi! I haven't been to this forum in awhile, until yesterday when I requested prayer for a relative. First, I'd like to say I will probably be completely inept at explaining to you what I want you to know. Forgive me, in advance, okay?
I think that God has a purpose for each of us, a job he put us here to do. I think our experiences, emotions, and circumstances, both good and bad mold us into the person who is able to do the job for Him. To do the job for Him like no one else can. That's why you are here. That's why he created you. That's why you were born. Somewhere out there, is someone......someone who is going to need you someday. Maybe (probably) MANY someones. I think your struggles are refining you into someone who, one day, will be able to make a huge impact in someone else's life. So, don't quit okay? There is a huge, grand, tapestry going on....and you are a part of it. You never know what is ahead, but God does.
I hope all this doesn't sound too trite and shallow. This is the first response I have made to any post in ages. Your post really compelled me. I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[doofus125]

If god needs me so much in his "plan" then where is he??????????? Why has he left me alone to the point that I don't care if I live or die?????? I'm really getting to the point that this whole christianity things is starting to sound like a bunch of bull in my head.......

 

[Christi]

He hasn't left you alone. He's where He's always been. I think you DO care if you live or die, and I think you know this whole Christianity thing is not a bunch of bull. I think you are just wanting someone to give you a reason to live. I think you are lonely. I think you need a friend. I think you don't realize how much you are treasured by Him. I think you are kinda feeling sorry for yourself. (Don't be mad, you know it's true. We all do it.) I think it's pretty much up to you what you do from this point on, but you have to know it'll be a huge waste. I'm not going to debate endlessly with you why you should live. You know in your heart you should. The tone of your posts just sounds like you don't know if you want to. You have to get past that somehow, it's not about what we want. I'll do you the favor of not going into all the reasons I have to kill myself, but what if I told you that if you kill yourself, I'll kill myself? Maybe take 3 or 4 out with me? Maybe you wouldn't care. But I think you wouldn't want it. Because you know in your heart that our lives are a gift that didn't come cheap. And our lives aren't really about us, so much, anyway. I have to go for an hour, then I'll be back.

 

[Christi]

Addendum to my last post:

My sins are greater than your sins. (I'll see you, raise you and win.)
I have found His love.
My believing it, didn't make it so.
It was already there.
If there hadn't been someone there for me, who had been through what I had been through, I wouldn't have lived long enough to realize this love. Cause I don't deserve it.
It may take awhile, but it's worth waiting for.
Someday.....you are going to be filled with peace and joy, and your heart will be full of compassion for people who cross your path who feel the way you did. (There are many.) And you will know what to say to them. You will know how to relate to the despair and the hopelessness. I just have that feeling about you. I won't bother you anymore, but I'll keep praying.

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

HAHA!!! It's sooo ironic you say that because today after some pretty amazing events I think I know what you mean by depression can be a fun journey!!!

Man, if you told me this just a few days ago I'd really really think you were full of pooh and were a complete nut case but hah, it's so funny now that I can see what you mean by it. I am so hopeful that I have a life left in me yet.

That said I am also still very fragile and vulnerable so pleas as always, pray for me just a little bit more atleast untill I can gain streangth to fight my fights better and finally get good with God. I'm excited and hopeful right now.

Thanks for the support as always, whitehorse!

Oh, Heavens to Merkatroid, I just need to clarify that the self-discovery was the fun journey, not the depression! Because the self-discovery is where we find out all those diabolical lies depression tells us aren't true, and it's where it sheepishly slinks away with its tail down.

Think about this, if you will: since the beginning of time, there has never been a single person on this planet with exactly your set of experiences, gifts, talents, perspectives, understanding...there has never been anyone who was ever qualified to live your life. God gave it to you for a very special purpose.

Now depression tells you this is not so.

After being dragged through the mud by depression, this is indeed a pleasant discovery. Then...what to do with this priceless gift. That is fun because depression can't beat you anymore once you realize this. Is there pain in life? Sure. But it doesn't have to dictate how you feel or how you respond to that pain. The first response is usually, "Of course it determines how I feel!!!" Of course hard circumstances are painful, but they don't have to disable you. Happiness really is a choice, but this isn't something you can tell someone. They have to discover this on their own. But imagine the possibilities. Imagine the freedom that comes from being able to make this particular choice. The next question is, "How do I choose that freedom?" And then deciding what you want to do with this freedom. Jump into God's boat and ask Him where He's taking you. And then no matter what happens, Christ gives you control over the depression.

But I am so glad good things have happened for you. It sounds like you have a wonderful pastor and I'm so pleased to hear things are better.

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

If god needs me so much in his "plan" then where is he??????????? Why has he left me alone to the point that I don't care if I live or die?????? I'm really getting to the point that this whole christianity things is starting to sound like a bunch of bull in my head.......

He sent help but you rejected it. The question is, why aren't you there for you?

 

[ukok]

If god needs me so much in his "plan" then where is he??????????? Why has he left me alone to the point that I don't care if I live or die?????? I'm really getting to the point that this whole christianity things is starting to sound like a bunch of bull in my head.......

Please forgive me if what i have to say causes you any offence at all, it most definately is not my intention. I have to reiterate what i said in the private message that i sent to you. You might feel that God isn't around, but HE hasn't distanced Himself from you. When we are embedded within our own private world of depression, it's hard to see further than a few hours ahead, but it doesn't mean that HE isn't there.

I sympathise with the way that you are feeling, but though you may feel anger or dismay that you feel so alone and while your confusion may lead you to believe that you are unwanted or unloved...this is not reality. The reality is that God is constant, we are the ones that move away from Him. We may not even realise that we are doing it.

If christianity is beginning to sound like a 'bunch of bull' in your head, then there is something seriously amiss. The Bible doesn't confuse. Jesus didn't come to say that He only loves you sometimes. Or that He will only help you just so long as you don't give him a headache. We know that Jesus came to spread a message of love, amongst other things, and His love remains with us always.

If other Christians are confusing you, then i would suggest that you seek out the help of a Christian Counselling service ( i'll try to help you find one if you like), or perhaps speak to a member of your churches clergy or a congregation member that you can trust.

If you want to know that God hasn't abandoned you - He hasn't

If you want to know that He still loves you - He does

If you want to know that you are forgiven - you are ( if you repent)

Is it possible to wake up some day and not feel like this - yes, eventually.

And i have to ask you, do you really have to keep that username - i thought it was a derogatory slang word to describe someone who is a bit of a fool ?
( you seem like a great guy to me - and you look really nice too)

 

[doofus125]

If you want to know that you are forgiven - you are ( if you repent)

And being I struggle with the same sing still and fall into it totally you are telling me that I am not forgiven, just like a typical christian, telling me I'm not forgiven, I get told that all the time because I'm a homosexuall, but it's forgiveable to be a hetrosexuall guy and girl to have sex and be forgiven all the time........

 

[ukok]

uh!, where did you get that from?

I'm telling you that you are forgiven, if you repent of your sins, just the same as i am, I'm not rebuking you at all. I was generalising. I was imagineing that after all that had happened to you, perhaps you were feeling that you wanted to ask Jesus precious blood to cleanse you and heal you.

 

[wblastyn]

What's SAD? That's how I am...I don't want to have lots of friends that I barely see, I want a couple close friends that I see all the time and do stuff with them all the time.....people at the young adult group I was going to seem so fake sometimes, but I really don't know if they are or not so I never get close to any of them because I don't want to have to spill the beans to someone that won't want bothered with me anyways.....I was laid off from my job because of my attitude at the end, I was just miserable and didn't want bothered by anyone and that just doesn't work when you are in management, but since I had been such a good employee in the past they didn't want to fire me so they laid me off so I'd get unemployment....now I feel like I can't do anything right and that it's all going to happen again so I just sit at home eating.....my unemployment was up last month, 9 months of it.....I'm living on my savings which will hold me out another 6-8 months, but I can't live like this forever.....that's why I just wanna die.....I just don't care if I live or not anymore....

Social Anxiety Disorder or Social phobia.

http://www.socialphobia.org/

 

[doofus125]

Addendum to my last post:

My sins are greater than your sins. (I'll see you, raise you and win.)
I have found His love.
My believing it, didn't make it so.
It was already there.
If there hadn't been someone there for me, who had been through what I had been through, I wouldn't have lived long enough to realize this love. Cause I don't deserve it.
It may take awhile, but it's worth waiting for.
Someday.....you are going to be filled with peace and joy, and your heart will be full of compassion for people who cross your path who feel the way you did. (There are many.) And you will know what to say to them. You will know how to relate to the despair and the hopelessness. I just have that feeling about you. I won't bother you anymore, but I'll keep praying.

I didn't mean to upset you, I wasn't directing my anger towards you if you thought I was....I'm sorry

 

[kingzjewel]

i struggled with lesbianism so i kinda know what you are going through. prayer changes everything. i havent read all the pages of this post yet. i know that Jesus is the only answer for your pain. even if it feels like He isnt there or listening, believe me He is. you might want to read "out of egypt: journey out of lesbianism". it may help. praying for you bro!

 

[all smiles]

PM me doofus125. I love to listen....I was once going through some painfull times myself so if you need to talk i'm here for you.

 

[Grommit]

doofus125... I still care. Just cleaning house.

 

[Christi]

Doofus125,
You didn't upset me, other than I don't want you to feel the way you do. I didn't think your anger was directed at me. I didn't even feel it as anger, really. I just want you to know that I care what happens to you. So many of your feelings strike a chord with me, because they are so familiar. So, for some weird reason, I feel like I have a stake in what happens to you. We all do. It seems you have many friends and people who care for you and accept you just like you are, here. It seems like you feel alot of condemnation, but it's all coming from you towards yourself. I hate to break it to you, but we all sin here. We all struggle with feeling God is far away. That's why there are "many parts to the body". We all need each other. One day someone will need you. It may be me. It may be my son. It may be someone neither of us know, but maybe this is a "trial by fire"? Do you think you are maybe being refined for something.....something God has for you to do in your future? For some reason, I think so. Probably you are in so much pain right now you don't care. Don't go by your feelings, though. Go by the Truth. And the Truth is....He's crazy in love with you.

 

[Gator76]

Hi there. Well, I usually only ever come here to "lurk" on these message boards, but I just felt like I had to say something to you, doofus. First of all, do me a favor--and not just doofus, but everyone here that this pertains to--remove the "option" of suicide from your list. Really. It is just really not one. Think of it in that manner.

Another thing, the reason I came here today is because I myself am depressed. Now I could list my reasons to you, but it won't matter. Only your problems really matter to you, and that's the way it should be. But please remember, you are never alone. Part of my struggles with my relationship with God is why he allows us--and others around us--to suffer. Quite frankly, I don't believe that we will ever understand, until we get to ask him face-to-face.

I also know exactly what you mean, when the people seem to ignore you at church. The only thing that I can come up with is that it IS wrong, even if it is just because they think they are socially "too good" for us, or whatever, and that maybe God will deal with them for that, one day.

Have you ever thought about leaving Pittsburgh, and sort of "starting over"? Maybe some new stomping grounds would help out. Could you possibly move to live near your friend? Not that you can't make friends elsewhere, but I am just attempting to suggest that you should "take charge" of your life, your feelings, etc. This life is a journey, man. Uphill, downhill, it's got it all. In your case, I would say that it is not so much overcoming the struggle, as it is the struggle itself that is important to God. One day He will say to you "well done, my GOOD and FAITHFUL servant!", and it will be because you stuggled on in His name. God Bless, and good luck...

 

[doofus125]

Hi there. Well, I usually only ever come here to "lurk" on these message boards, but I just felt like I had to say something to you, doofus. First of all, do me a favor--and not just doofus, but everyone here that this pertains to--remove the "option" of suicide from your list. Really. It is just really not one. Think of it in that manner.

Another thing, the reason I came here today is because I myself am depressed. Now I could list my reasons to you, but it won't matter. Only your problems really matter to you, and that's the way it should be. But please remember, you are never alone. Part of my struggles with my relationship with God is why he allows us--and others around us--to suffer. Quite frankly, I don't believe that we will ever understand, until we get to ask him face-to-face.

I also know exactly what you mean, when the people seem to ignore you at church. The only thing that I can come up with is that it IS wrong, even if it is just because they think they are socially "too good" for us, or whatever, and that maybe God will deal with them for that, one day.

Have you ever thought about leaving Pittsburgh, and sort of "starting over"? Maybe some new stomping grounds would help out. Could you possibly move to live near your friend? Not that you can't make friends elsewhere, but I am just attempting to suggest that you should "take charge" of your life, your feelings, etc. This life is a journey, man. Uphill, downhill, it's got it all. In your case, I would say that it is not so much overcoming the struggle, as it is the struggle itself that is important to God. One day He will say to you "well done, my GOOD and FAITHFUL servant!", and it will be because you stuggled on in His name. God Bless, and good luck...

I was going to move to columbia, south carolina, but everything fell through and after everything fell through is when things just went downhill and the depression came to the point of being suicidal....I really don't think I'm going to make it this time.....

 

[Gator76]

C'mon now, buddy. Stay tough. I can tell that you are a special person to God. I've seen some of the posts that you've written on here. You have a lot of wisdom and experience. You are needed. God needs people that care, and you do. That is why God calls people like you "salt" of the earth. Salt preserves things. It may not be very evident to you now, but somewhere, somehow, you might touch somebody's life that changes everything for them. Don't forget things like this. I'm telling you the truth.