I'm done (heavy vent/semi controversial possibly?)

[theoneandonlypencil]

//this is not meant to flame anyone, this is a vent/rant//

I think I'm done being on here. I may lurk, but I don't know if I want to post here anymore

I once thought that communication with other Christians would ultimately be good for me, and in many ways, it has been and I have met and seen very many lovely people. But you know what? The general environment of the body of believers in this day and age has become borderline vile with the amount of division and resentment present within it.

I see how people treat each other when their faith is tested. I notice how they start to crack when the passive-aggressive insults start coming and it all becomes a game of 'winning and losing'. I know because I've been doing it too; I hate it. I'm not proud of it. But this environment only eggs it on.

And you know what else? I don't feel like I know God. I don't even feel like I can read the bible without someone else's words in my mind. I am grateful for all of the people who have shown me so many truths about scripture--how to look at the bigger picture, to get the historical context, and find out the real meanings to the words originally spoken. But all in all, I still feel like I'm no closer to understanding him as when I began this journey to reignite my faith.

I've also noticed how people treat the pre-conceived image of God, and you know what? I'll go ahead and say it out loud(mind you, this is not a claim I'm making);

I don't care if God isn't omniscient. I don't care if he has any regrets. I don't care if he has plain old normal feelings just like us. I don't care if he isn't controlling us all on puppet strings.

He created me. I owe my life to him and every breath I take is a gift. I would never, ever criticize God's actions simply because of the fact that he MADE me, and I will never be equal; just like a young child is not equal to their parents, I would not question God because he is our father.

I see so many people get so uptight over what God is or isn't. Can you really say you love him unconditionally if you can't even consider him 'God' anymore without all of the extravagances? I can't explain how infuriated I feel when I hear people say things like 'that isn't true, because God wouldn't be as [powerful/sovereign/etc]!" because it is NOT about HIM meeting OUR expectations. WE were created by HIM, not the other way around so he has every right to do things however he pleases.

I can't convince myself that God is just a puppetmaster who went through all of the trouble he has for us just to play with our lives like we were dolls and to get some kind of artificial love from it. It could be true--and if it is, I will surely play along just like I was programmed to do from the beginning. But I do not believe it.

I love God. I love God in my own stupidly weird way, even if I don't shout it from the rooftops and I can't seem to get anything right. I love him so much that even when I understand that I can't be the holy, ultra-righteous perfect child that knows every line of scripture and spends my whole life worshipping him the way everyone tells me I should worship him, I break down in tears at the thought of ever turning my back on him because even at my lowest--a point where I thought 'maybe the atheists are right, I felt him drift away. I started to feel that familiar presence that's been here for my entire life begin to fade, and I couldn't stand it. Metaphorically speaking, I ran after him again as fast as I could; and I'll keep doing that until the day I'm dead.

If I screw up and my sins send me to some kind of eternal torment, then I deserve it and I accept that fate. I just hope that he can still use me to reach other people that can hopefully do more than I can. As terrified as I've always been of going to hell, I really don't care if I get eternal life. Of course, I value God's mercy and compassion immensely, and it's a truly spectacular gift...but I don't want my life to revolve around whether or not I get to heaven anymore. I don't want to be saved if I don't deserve it, and I don't want my efforts to be driven by what I will gain from God instead of what I can give back to God.

I also don't want to feel the way I do about humanity. I truly appreciate God's ability to love all, because sometimes I honestly can't stand anyone on this earth(except for a very sparse list of people in my life)and I can't help but swell with immeasurable anger when I think of all of the stupid things that are done and said by both believers and nonbelievers alike. In fact, sometimes I feel like a lot of us believers are no better than the unbelievers--we're just the better actors. I've had many vile things said to me and witnessed others subject to the same by fellow believers, and it's sowed in my heart such a great amount of disdain that at times I don't even consider them my brothers or sisters in Christ at all.

I wish I had the patience to truly help and change people--most importantly myself, but I can't right now. I think the thing I need to do is to spend a good amount of time alone with God, and let him heal the damage that's been done. I also want to stop basing all of my judgments based on other peoples' interpretation of 'God wants/says this or that' because, at this point, I genuinely do not believe in ANY man's authority of God's word. No matter how much you try to convince me, the fact is that there is only one truth to everything God wants and has said & done; the fact that there are so many different answers and interpretations, none of which can be effectively proven to be 100% correct and fulfill every aspect of God' intent, shows me that in truth almost everyone has deceived themselves and I want nothing to do with it.

Of course, I will acknowledge that we have to do SOMETHING and that any attempt to understand and live faithfully to God is better than not(and I do think it's enough to be saved if you're genuine about it), which is why I will try to learn from others where I can(especially in areas I am not educated in)and I will still enjoy theology...but all of it will ultimately have to be approved to me by God, personally. Even if it takes me the next 50 years to listen hard enough to understand what he's saying.

I also will still consider myself a Lutheran, since it is where my home-church resides and I can at least connect with Lutheranism better than any of the other denominations.

I'm tired of playing this complex game with everyone and wasting my time away from God though. From now on, I'm going to try and do the one thing I have always been scared to do and let God be my only guide without the added opinions of other people involved(at least not in an ultimate-authoritative manner). I'm sure this will not be the end of my mistakes or sins, and I'm sure in my current youth I'll have many more hurdles to navigate...but even should it take my whole life to learn from these mistakes and grow, it will be worth it if I can eventually become something even slightly worthy of God's praise.

Anyways, I'm sorry to all of the people I've been rude/mean-spirited to and I wish you all the best. I also want to thank all of the people that have helped me since I came here and given me so many resources to learn from and help expand my knowledge.

I guess after getting all of this off of my chest, I still might post occasionally and I might even come back fully someday--but for now, I am burnt out and I do need a break.

God bless and wish me luck as I take this terrifying leap.

 

[Jesus is my Superhero]

I try to be careful where I click. You obviously still walk with Him. Stay strong and confident in your pursuit of the Almighty.

 

[Hazelelponi]

I'm not Lutheran (reformed Baptist) but I do pray you find peace and joy in the love of the Father and our Lord and Savior Christ Jesus, and find the place also where your within His will doing His will, in the love of Him. God bless you exceedingly, and may His countenance shine upon you, and upon us all.

We could all use some healing, myself included.

 

[Billy UK]

Hey, Although we have had disagreements I apologise if I upset you and hope you are ok. I desire the best for you and hope that Jesus guides you into his everlasting kingdom. I noticed in one post you mentioned that you are soon to be married and I hope that Jesus protects and draws you both into his pleasing and perfect will. Whatever may happen in the future may Jesus give you mercy and truth and hope.

 

[Dave G.]

I get it. But rather than leave be salt and light. And keep your posts simple, don't argue.

On another note, if they are undermining your reading and bringing discouragement then it sounds like you need to build your foundation up a bit. It's our own position that is usually weak when we feel like this. Keep your eye on Jesus and know your positional truth in Him. Man will always disappoint you if not sooner than later...

 

[theoneandonlypencil]

Hey, Although we have had disagreements I apologise if I upset you and hope you are ok. I desire the best for you and hope that Jesus guides you into his everlasting kingdom. I noticed in one post you mentioned that you are soon to be married and I hope that Jesus protects and draws you both into his pleasing and perfect will. Whatever may happen in the future may Jesus give you mercy and truth and hope.

It's okay, Billy. Water under the bridge. I'm sorry I've been so nasty with you in the past, and I really do hope the best for you and that whatever happens now or in the future, you'll be blessed and protected always.

And thank you for the good wishes on my soon to be marriage; the positive encouragement means the world to me, truly.

 

[theoneandonlypencil]

I get it. But rather than leave be salt and light. And keep your posts simple, don't argue.

On another note, if they are undermining your reading and bringing discouragement then it sounds like you need to build your foundation up a bit. It's our own position that is usually weak when we feel like this. Keep your eye on Jesus and know your positional truth in Him. Man will always disappoint you if not sooner than later...

I agree. Thank you for the advice--I'm letting God take the wheel and lead me to what I need to know for a good while until I'm able to stand firmly without misgivings or error.

 

[Dave G.]

I agree. Thank you for the advice--I'm letting God take the wheel and lead me to what I need to know for a good while until I'm able to stand firmly without misgivings or error.

FWIW my method of survival here may not be perfect but if I see I'm in a thread and it looks like someone wants to argue with me, I post a standard old fashion smiley face and move on. There are a lot of new Christians around here who can use a fresh word, no need to be arguing with some crusty entrenched person that isn't about to change anyway or whose milk he weened off of was from a different doctrine than mine. That's a mountain for someone else to climb IMO. Meanwhile with a few grace words in between then we can get along.

I loaded a new NASB onto my Kindle Fire ( I'm a KJV/NKJV guy normally) been enjoying the easy read, it's very easy flowing. My spirit feels a little quickening and lite. It's for something a little different to kind of loose the binders of this corona stuff. Anyone had enough of that thing yet, I have !! I'm thinking with all the free time, we are seeing minds wander here in the forums, we need our eyes set on Jesus in these times, it's what He would suggest if here with us. So it came over me to just read a different version of the bible for a while. Been reading and studying in Joshua and really kind of caught up in it !

 

[disciple Clint]

//this is not meant to flame anyone, this is a vent/rant//

I think I'm done being on here. I may lurk, but I don't know if I want to post here anymore

I once thought that communication with other Christians would ultimately be good for me, and in many ways, it has been and I have met and seen very many lovely people. But you know what? The general environment of the body of believers in this day and age has become borderline vile with the amount of division and resentment present within it.

I see how people treat each other when their faith is tested. I notice how they start to crack when the passive-aggressive insults start coming and it all becomes a game of 'winning and losing'. I know because I've been doing it too; I hate it. I'm not proud of it. But this environment only eggs it on.

And you know what else? I don't feel like I know God. I don't even feel like I can read the bible without someone else's words in my mind. I am grateful for all of the people who have shown me so many truths about scripture--how to look at the bigger picture, to get the historical context, and find out the real meanings to the words originally spoken. But all in all, I still feel like I'm no closer to understanding him as when I began this journey to reignite my faith.

I've also noticed how people treat the pre-conceived image of God, and you know what? I'll go ahead and say it out loud(mind you, this is not a claim I'm making);

I don't care if God isn't omniscient. I don't care if he has any regrets. I don't care if he has plain old normal feelings just like us. I don't care if he isn't controlling us all on puppet strings.

He created me. I owe my life to him and every breath I take is a gift. I would never, ever criticize God's actions simply because of the fact that he MADE me, and I will never be equal; just like a young child is not equal to their parents, I would not question God because he is our father.

I see so many people get so uptight over what God is or isn't. Can you really say you love him unconditionally if you can't even consider him 'God' anymore without all of the extravagances? I can't explain how infuriated I feel when I hear people say things like 'that isn't true, because God wouldn't be as [powerful/sovereign/etc]!" because it is NOT about HIM meeting OUR expectations. WE were created by HIM, not the other way around so he has every right to do things however he pleases.

I can't convince myself that God is just a puppetmaster who went through all of the trouble he has for us just to play with our lives like we were dolls and to get some kind of artificial love from it. It could be true--and if it is, I will surely play along just like I was programmed to do from the beginning. But I do not believe it.

I love God. I love God in my own stupidly weird way, even if I don't shout it from the rooftops and I can't seem to get anything right. I love him so much that even when I understand that I can't be the holy, ultra-righteous perfect child that knows every line of scripture and spends my whole life worshipping him the way everyone tells me I should worship him, I break down in tears at the thought of ever turning my back on him because even at my lowest--a point where I thought 'maybe the atheists are right, I felt him drift away. I started to feel that familiar presence that's been here for my entire life begin to fade, and I couldn't stand it. Metaphorically speaking, I ran after him again as fast as I could; and I'll keep doing that until the day I'm dead.

If I screw up and my sins send me to some kind of eternal torment, then I deserve it and I accept that fate. I just hope that he can still use me to reach other people that can hopefully do more than I can. As terrified as I've always been of going to hell, I really don't care if I get eternal life. Of course, I value God's mercy and compassion immensely, and it's a truly spectacular gift...but I don't want my life to revolve around whether or not I get to heaven anymore. I don't want to be saved if I don't deserve it, and I don't want my efforts to be driven by what I will gain from God instead of what I can give back to God.

I also don't want to feel the way I do about humanity. I truly appreciate God's ability to love all, because sometimes I honestly can't stand anyone on this earth(except for a very sparse list of people in my life)and I can't help but swell with immeasurable anger when I think of all of the stupid things that are done and said by both believers and nonbelievers alike. In fact, sometimes I feel like a lot of us believers are no better than the unbelievers--we're just the better actors. I've had many vile things said to me and witnessed others subject to the same by fellow believers, and it's sowed in my heart such a great amount of disdain that at times I don't even consider them my brothers or sisters in Christ at all.

I wish I had the patience to truly help and change people--most importantly myself, but I can't right now. I think the thing I need to do is to spend a good amount of time alone with God, and let him heal the damage that's been done. I also want to stop basing all of my judgments based on other peoples' interpretation of 'God wants/says this or that' because, at this point, I genuinely do not believe in ANY man's authority of God's word. No matter how much you try to convince me, the fact is that there is only one truth to everything God wants and has said & done; the fact that there are so many different answers and interpretations, none of which can be effectively proven to be 100% correct and fulfill every aspect of God' intent, shows me that in truth almost everyone has deceived themselves and I want nothing to do with it.

Of course, I will acknowledge that we have to do SOMETHING and that any attempt to understand and live faithfully to God is better than not(and I do think it's enough to be saved if you're genuine about it), which is why I will try to learn from others where I can(especially in areas I am not educated in)and I will still enjoy theology...but all of it will ultimately have to be approved to me by God, personally. Even if it takes me the next 50 years to listen hard enough to understand what he's saying.

I also will still consider myself a Lutheran, since it is where my home-church resides and I can at least connect with Lutheranism better than any of the other denominations.

I'm tired of playing this complex game with everyone and wasting my time away from God though. From now on, I'm going to try and do the one thing I have always been scared to do and let God be my only guide without the added opinions of other people involved(at least not in an ultimate-authoritative manner). I'm sure this will not be the end of my mistakes or sins, and I'm sure in my current youth I'll have many more hurdles to navigate...but even should it take my whole life to learn from these mistakes and grow, it will be worth it if I can eventually become something even slightly worthy of God's praise.

Anyways, I'm sorry to all of the people I've been rude/mean-spirited to and I wish you all the best. I also want to thank all of the people that have helped me since I came here and given me so many resources to learn from and help expand my knowledge.

I guess after getting all of this off of my chest, I still might post occasionally and I might even come back fully someday--but for now, I am burnt out and I do need a break.

God bless and wish me luck as I take this terrifying leap.

I do not think you realize how much good you have done with this post. You spoke truth and we all need to stop and reflect on that truth. Thank you and God bless you

 

[gentlejah]

sometimes when I read Matthew 5:43-5-48 I think it's Jesus just playing a little joke on me lol

 

[theoneandonlypencil]

FWIW my method of survival here may not be perfect but if I see I'm in a thread and it looks like someone wants to argue with me, I post a standard old fashion smiley face and move on. There are a lot of new Christians around here who can use a fresh word, no need to be arguing with some crusty entrenched person that isn't about to change anyway or whose milk he weened off of was from a different doctrine than mine. That's a mountain for someone else to climb IMO. Meanwhile with a few grace words in between then we can get along.

This is exactly what I hope to gain the patience to do. I don't want to spend all of my short time here on earth bickering, nor is it even beneficial if I did. Not for myself, or anyone else. Practicing kindness and self-discipline, however? Can't ever have too much of those.

I loaded a new NASB onto my Kindle Fire ( I'm a KJV/NKJV guy normally) been enjoying the easy read, it's very easy flowing. My spirit feels a little quickening and lite. It's for something a little different to kind of loose the binders of this corona stuff. Anyone had enough of that thing yet, I have !! I'm thinking with all the free time, we are seeing minds wander here in the forums, we need our eyes set on Jesus in these times, it's what He would suggest if here with us. So it came over me to just read a different version of the bible for a while. Been reading and studying in Joshua and really kind of caught up in it !

The virus is weighing heavily on everyone, so I understand completely. I'm ready for it to be over honestly lol.

I almost always use the NIV, but I read that the NASB is very easy to read as well and possibly even more 'accurate'? In terms of being written for the english language and staying true to the source material, that is. I'd really like to start reading psalms again; I love the array of emotions found in the passages.

 

[theoneandonlypencil]

sometimes when I read Matthew 5:43-5-48 I think it's Jesus just playing a little joke on me lol

Oh gosh, I think you've just given me one of my favorite excerpts from Matthew. Thank you for that : D

 

[gentlejah]

you are very welcome

I hope you didn't think I was preaching at you though as that is what I struggle with the most. I never argue online but I can have quite a temper in real life and the one thing that has helped me is learning to laugh at myself a little bit for 'quality' of mine.

 

[theoneandonlypencil]

I do not think you realize how much good you have done with this post. You spoke truth and we all need to stop and reflect on that truth. Thank you and God bless you

That truly means a lot to me and I hope that hearing it can help others that are going through something similar. God bless you as well and thank you again<3

 

[theoneandonlypencil]

you are very welcome

I hope you didn't think I was preaching at you though as that is what I struggle with the most. I never argue online but I can have quite a temper in real life and the one thing that has helped me is learning to laugh at myself a little bit for 'quality' of mine.

It's okay! I didn't find it preach-y at all : D As you can probably gather from my post, I struggle extensively with my temper(both on and offline)and a host of other mental issues that I have yet to get diagnosed. So I can kind of understand where you're coming from lol. Hoping to get things under control with God's help and perhaps a good therapist, so I can start being less angry and more joyful like I wish to be.

 

[Billy UK]

It's okay, Billy. Water under the bridge. I'm sorry I've been so nasty with you in the past, and I really do hope the best for you and that whatever happens now or in the future, you'll be blessed and protected always.

And thank you for the good wishes on my soon to be marriage; the positive encouragement means the world to me, truly.

Thanku, truth be told after the disagreements I felt really guilty for my attitude and felt God wanted me to apologise and put right things with you and others. Sometimes you try so hard to prove your right that you end up being wrong by hurting the very ones you're trying to somehow help and save.

I come from a pretty rough background and struggle at times to manifest Jesus because of all my weaknesses and failings and struggles.

I think one of the biggest false sayings is the saying sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me. Words can do so much damage and to this day I'm still trying to become fully healed from the things people have said and done to me. Your post is good as it causes us all to reassess and realise that behind the posting is a real person who has feelings just like we do.

Through you opening up its opened the door for repentance and forgiveness and healing

 

[gentlejah]

It's okay! I didn't find it preach-y at all : D As you can probably gather from my post, I struggle extensively with my temper(both on and offline)and a host of other mental issues that I have yet to get diagnosed. So I can kind of understand where you're coming from lol. Hoping to get things under control with God's help and perhaps a good therapist, so I can start being less angry and more joyful like I wish to be.

Your original post touched me and I found myself agreeing with it. I get frustrated and upset too when I see how people treat each other esp online and IMHO I think a lot of it is just bad habits or a side effect of the internet esp social media. It's not just here, anywhere you go online it's the same pattern of arguments, passive aggression and a game of one-upmanship. I live in a very small town and I was on the weather page checking the forecast and the people in the comment sections there were all in a fight and name calling. lol

 

[theoneandonlypencil]

Thanku, truth be told after the disagreements I felt really guilty for my attitude and felt God wanted me to apologise and put right things with you and others. Sometimes you try so hard to prove your right that you end up being wrong by hurting the very ones you're trying to somehow help and save.

As did I--only now did the stubbornness finally fade from my heart and I was gifted a moment of clarity tonight in order to see the things I've been overlooking. I felt especially bad in regards to our squabbles in particular, since I know even if you and I don't agree on everything we're both ultimately trying to reach out a helping hand to others and there was no reason for me to lash out the way I did.

I come from a pretty rough background and struggle at times to manifest Jesus because of all my weaknesses and failings and struggles.

I'm really sorry to hear that Billy. I understand how hard it can be sometimes to truly let Jesus shine through with all of the stains we have in our minds and hearts; but you know, I think I'm learning recently that taking joy in the process of doing your best to follow him even with us being the sinful creations we are is the first step to really KNOWING Jesus, you feel? Either way, I do hope you find peace and keep running the race, despite everything.

I think one of the biggest false sayings is the saying sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me. Words can do so much damage and to this day I'm still trying to become fully healed from the things people have said and done to me. Your post is good as it causes us all to reassess and realise that behind the posting is a real person who has feelings just like we do.

I know this all too well. Words are powerful tools; just because they can be thrown around without second thought does not mean they are weak or without some kind of effect. Sometimes it's honestly like throwing knives everywhere and assuming they won't accidentally stab someone :< I'll be really glad if my post helps anyone--I 'felt' something very different while writing it, kind of like the words just were forming in my head as it came along so I can only hope it was the Holy Spirit lending a hand and guiding me to say what I needed to get out there.

Through you opening up its opened the door for repentance and forgiveness and healing.

Aaaaaah I really do hope so, and thank you again<3 God Bless you!

 

[theoneandonlypencil]

Your original post touched me and I found myself agreeing with it. I get frustrated and upset too when I see how people treat each other esp online and IMHO I think a lot of it is just bad habits or a side effect of the internet esp social media. It's not just here, anywhere you go online it's the same pattern of arguments, passive aggression and a game of one-upmanship. I live in a very small town and I was on the weather page checking the forecast and the people in the comment sections there were all in a fight and name calling. lol

Ah I'm really happy I could do that for someone<3 It's a frustrating time we live in, and honestly it feels like the hardest part is staying consistent and reminding yourself to always act with love and patience. The negative behavior truly is everywhere, and I think it's because it feeds the pride and fools us into thinking that we're 'above' others whenever we argue and get to 'prove someone wrong'. Winning does not have a place in debates or arguments--I think we need to keep it to sports, formal competitions and board games at this point LOL. (maybe not monopoly though...buying boardwalk brings out the worst in everyone, especially if you have also have properties built all over the board)

 

[gentlejah]

"(maybe not monopoly though...buying boardwalk brings out the worst in everyone, especially if you have also have properties built all over the board)"

LOL!!!!!!! I'm laughing so hard my stomach hurts and tears pouring down my face. I do find that sort of profound and enlightening too...it's good to remember just how ridiculous we can all be over the most trivial of things. it's a real humbling but with laughter. thank you