I'm curious

[Neostarwcc]

Has anybody ever had a REALLY bad marriage work out I'm the end? All the arguing, one sided physical abuse, her treating you like dirt and you don't really matter for eight years. Anybody ever come out stronger after that? Or should I just get out of my marriage and never date again?

 

[spiritfilledjm]

Personally, no. I've been divorced twice...and I'm a glutton for punishment because my current wife and I have endured through so much throughout our marriage. There has never been any screaming arguments or abuse but we've had a lot of financial difficulties over the years along with illness and other things that would cause the breakdown of a lot of marriages. It's by God's grace that we've endured and He has supplied all our needs in the end. As far as your situation, I cannot advise you on that but to just continue to seek God in all things, seek out those you know and trust who might be able to be an advisor to you in this, like your church leaders and whatnot.

 

[Neostarwcc]

I've talked to my Elder before he wasn't much help. I was just curious if a "toxic" relationship really could work out or if im just dreaming.

 

[spiritfilledjm]

I've talked to my Elder before he wasn't much help. I was just curious if a "toxic" relationship really could work out or if im just dreaming.

Ultimately, yes. God can do anything. Miracles do happen. I do not want to suggest divorce without infidelity, but ultimately, if your safety is at stake, the best thing to do right now may be to leave. Not permanently, I'm not saying get divorced, I'm just saying if she is abusing you, for your own safety. Sometimes a cooling-off period can be beneficial. It can allow folks to really look into things, see where everything went wrong, what each person did to make it go wrong, and what can be done to correct it and prevent it from happening again in the future.

 

[Unqualified]

@Neostarwcc you don’t have to take physical abuse. That’s grounds for divorce in civil court. Then wait for the person to commit adultery. Then you can remarry.

 

[chevyontheriver]

Has anybody ever had a REALLY bad marriage work out I'm the end? All the arguing, one sided physical abuse, her treating you like dirt and you don't really matter for eight years. Anybody ever come out stronger after that? Or should I just get out of my marriage and never date again?

I think you are finally at the point where you might begin to want to investigate Retrovaille, found at Retrouvaille Marriage Help Program For Struggling Couples

 

[Halbhh]

Has anybody ever had a REALLY bad marriage work out I'm the end? All the arguing, one sided physical abuse, her treating you like dirt and you don't really matter for eight years. Anybody ever come out stronger after that? Or should I just get out of my marriage and never date again?

Forgiving is more powerful than we expect or understand (for a long time I think). Everywhere all the time, this is the best advice when anyone attacks you (including a spouse):

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
Bible Gateway passage: Romans 12:17-21 - New International Version

In other words "love your enemy", and that will 'heap coals of fire on their heads': awaken their conscience.

You don't have to fix them. Just do as God instructs, and trust it will work out in time. You can if you are able to pray with total faith pray for help. The key first things for ask for are everything in the Lord's Prayer (of course), but then you can also ask (if you are able to pray with total faith) for aid for yourself, and for the other person. You might be moved to do additional things then also (for instance, if you feel moved towards a counseling it's good to follow when the spirit leads the way). But trust in God, first and last, as the foundation way.

 

[Neostarwcc]

@Neostarwcc you don’t have to take physical abuse. That’s grounds for divorce in civil court. Then wait for the person to commit adultery. Then you can remarry.

Tbch if my marriage fails I dont want to remarry. If I separate or get divorced that's it, no more women for me.

 

[Neostarwcc]

Ultimately, yes. God can do anything. Miracles do happen. I do not want to suggest divorce without infidelity, but ultimately, if your safety is at stake, the best thing to do right now may be to leave. Not permanently, I'm not saying get divorced, I'm just saying if she is abusing you, for your own safety. Sometimes a cooling-off period can be beneficial. It can allow folks to really look into things, see where everything went wrong, what each person did to make it go wrong, and what can be done to correct it and prevent it from happening again in the future.

It's hard for us to be unfaithful to each other when we're together 24/7. I've cheated by flirting and sexting with other women online but outside of that nothing physical.

I only dream about being with other women sometimes because we're so unhappy together. But that's it, just a dream. If we end up breaking up I don't want another relationship. Period.

 

[Neostarwcc]

Forgiving is more powerful than we expect or understand (for a long time I think). Everywhere all the time, this is the best advice when anyone attacks you (including a spouse):

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
Bible Gateway passage: Romans 12:17-21 - New International Version

In other words "love your enemy", and that will 'heap coals of fire on their heads': awaken their conscience.

You don't have to fix them. Just do as God instructs, and trust it will work out in time. You can if you are able to pray with total faith pray for help. The key first things for ask for are everything in the Lord's Prayer (of course), but then you can also ask (if you are able to pray with total faith) for aid for yourself, and for the other person. You might be moved to do additional things then also (for instance, if you feel moved towards a counseling it's good to follow when the spirit leads the way). But trust in God, first and last, as the foundation way.

Thank you I'll keep that in mind.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Tbch if my marriage fails I dont want to remarry. If I separate or get divorced that's it, no more women for me.

I think both you and your wife desperately need counseling, Neo. You guys are also in a unusual situation where neither of you work, so you’re both just kind of continually around each other all day, every day. That could be contributing to the stress and high tension. What about going to counseling together, or volunteering somewhere together? You’d get out of the house, she’d get out of the house, and you’d be doing something meaningful.

 

[anna ~ grace]

What helps me in high-stress moments in my own life is; I shut up. I don’t try to argue. I just shut up, shut down, and restart my personality when the mood is lighter. If possible, I go hang out in the backyard. Or in the basement. Or, I pop my headphones in and listen to some Panjabi folk gospel. Happy stuff. I pray for the capacity to forgive and love my husband anyway, and keep praying for my husband, too. It’s not easy, but it does help.

 

[Hazelelponi]

Has anybody ever had a REALLY bad marriage work out I'm the end? All the arguing, one sided physical abuse, her treating you like dirt and you don't really matter for eight years. Anybody ever come out stronger after that? Or should I just get out of my marriage and never date again?

I've seen separation work out, and bring the couple back together stronger but they were both dedicated to keeping the marriage and not divorcing, a thing more rare these days.

I agree with Anna though, you two never get any time apart. Most people have jobs, church, friends, volunteering, hobbies etc which gives couples time apart as well as time together where life is enjoyed, not merely suffered.

You need that as human beings. We weren't intended to be locked in a room devoid of any real human contact save one. That's worse than even prison and it has to affect the both of you psychologically after a time. Your stranded on a desert island with one person, and your island is 2,000 square feet - if that.

I know there are issues that don't make it easy on you, but you really need to break out of that prison - you both do.

 

[BigDaddy4]

Has anybody ever had a REALLY bad marriage work out I'm the end? All the arguing, one sided physical abuse, her treating you like dirt and you don't really matter for eight years. Anybody ever come out stronger after that? Or should I just get out of my marriage and never date again?

Ultimately, the decision of whether to stay or leave is up to you and I would take any advice on an anonymous internet forum with a grain of salt. We do not know the details of your situation.

In general, Jesus can change everything for anyone. We pray for Jesus to heal people, but not everyone we pray for gets healed. We pray for people to come to know and accept Jesus as Lord and Savior, but not everyone does. We pray for lots of things, and Jesus may or may not grant our prayers, according to His will and purpose.

That said, it's up to the person to actually want to change in a marriage. I don't know if that's your wife (or you) or not, wanting to change. In my case, my wife created brokenness in our marriage that has not been repaired for many years now. 7 or 8 different counselors later, the problems still exist. We've been to counseling together, the issues have been discussed, action plans suggested, and.... nothing.

When God created mankind, he gave us those bumps on our backs called a spine. You can choose to stay and take her abuse and pray God will change her life, which may or may not happen. God won't force her to change. Or you can use the spine God gave you, put your foot down, and say you won't tolerate being treated like crap anymore. Then follow through with whatever resolve you have made up in your mind (separation, divorce, etc.) if the abuse continues for whatever period of time you determine (days, weeks, months, years, milestones like an anniversary, etc.) You don't have to tell her your resolution time frame, just that what she is doing is hurting you and you will not take it anymore.

With physical abuse, your time frame for change should be short. No one has the right to physically abuse you. I'd be willing to bet that wasn't in your wedding vows, either. Mine is more emotional abuse, control, and manipulation. But, I have a timeline for change to happen and if it doesn't, then we won't be together.

One last piece of advice from personal experience. Be wary of "temporary" change. If you tell her you're not taking her crap anymore, and if you do decide to leave if it doesn't stop, she may change for a short period of time. But soon old ways may come back and no lasting change occurs. Don't give in to false hope. Make sure she agrees to some acceptable (for you) level of accountability.