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I'm afraid my wife cheated on me; I need guidance

Discussion in 'Separation and Marriage Restoration' started by adam sdn, Jan 5, 2019.

  1. adam sdn

    adam sdn New Member

    1
    +4
    United States
    Lutheran
    Married
    Hello everybody,

    I’m in a bit of a marriage crisis. I’m afraid that my wife may have cheated on me while she was taking a vacation with her sister to Europe a few months ago. We’ve been married for about 5 years and dated for about three years before that. I need to give some background (see below) for this to make sense.


    Here’s the story;

    A couple of nights ago I was trying out my wife’s ipad pro (I’m thinking about buying one). I was fooling around on a drawing app on the ipad, and as I went to delete several of the pictures I drew, I noticed three rather flirtatious photos/videos of another man. Two photos were selfies of this guy trying to strike a ‘sexy’ sort of pose (clothing on-nothing horribly scandalous). there was also a video selfie of him at a new year’s party. The last photo was a screenshot of a text with a “winking” emoji face sent by her to him. That’s the only part of the correspondence I could see in the screenshot.

    I found the pictures to be quite out of the ordinary, so I confronted my wife about them. Upon me turning the ipad around and showing her one of the pictures, she instantly became nervous and fidgety. She responded by saying “oh…that’s just a friend of mine that I don’t talk to anymore.” After further pressing her, she stated that she met him in Europe where my wife and her sister were vacationing. She said that he was a random guy at a bar and didn’t know him and barely knew his name. I then showed her the screenshot of her winking emoji to him (his name was loaded into her contacts). She then admitted that he kissed her while they were at the bar.

    My Wife’s story was that they were sitting at a table next to him (he was with a group of guys) and approached my wife and her sister and basically started flirting. Throughout that night they kept talking and at some point, this guy kissed her. She says she pushed him away. This happened around September. She says that after the kissing encounter she had no contact with him and the only reason his contact was in her phone was because this guy flirtatiously took the phone from her and entered his contact info. She says that the guy randomly sent her the flirtatious photos this past new year’s eve completely out of the blue. She says she saw the pictures, panicked and deleted them. She has no idea why he texted her, since their meeting was so fleeting. She says he texted her twice once during the night that the kiss occured and once on new years eve.

    My problem – I question this story and its eating me up inside.

    1. It seems implausible that a random drunk guy that met my wife in a bar for a couple of hours for one night would randomly send photos and a video out of the blue. I feel like there's more to this story.

    2. The pictures and video seemed intimate and are indicative of something more than a random guy that drunkenly flirted with my wife. This is my gut speaking.

    3. Most guys don’t just randomly kiss someone they’re talking to. There’s usually a lead-up. But then again, there was alcohol involved, and my wife said she was drunk.

    4. She initially lied about the nature of her contact with him. At first, she said she didn’t really know who he was, then she admitted that he tried to kiss her. Also, his contact information was loaded into her phone.

    5. Why would she send a winking emoji face? When I confronted her about this she said she didn’t know why she sent the emoji, and that it was really stupid of her to do so. She captured the screenshot because she was in disbelief that he texted her. She says she sent the screenshot to her sister.

    6. Her story seems to change every time I ask her to explain smaller details. I'm not sure if this is because she's unclear about the event itself or if she's trying to maneuver through her possible dishonesty.

    7. She lied/was inaccurate about when certain photos were deleted. She stated she received all the photos on new years eve. However, her deleted items folder (where I found the photos initially) indicates that one photo-the screenshot was deleted two weeks before that. This indicates that there may have been further contact with him throughout the past four months.

    8. After I asked to view her texts to ensure there was no other evidence, she refused. This makes it seem like she’s hiding something. she claimed that she didn't want me to see some text between her and her sister because they were personal

    9. After I confronted her, she immediately deleted the photos from her phone – this seems guilty.

    10. I found a text correspondence between her and her sister talking about this guy. It said something like, “don’t judge me for asking this, but what rank was [guy’s name] (Apparently he was in the military). Her sister responded by saying “no judgment here ever – he didn’t mention his rank”; by mentioning “judgment” it seems like both knew that immoral things may have occurred.

    My wife is adamant that there was nothing between them and categorically denies kissing him back. She also recognized that deleting the photos and not initially being truthful was a betrayal of my trust. She’s been very apologetic and is trying to show her love for me. I truly want to believe her because I love her so much, and we had a great relationship before. However, I can’t seem to get past this, primarily because of her initial dishonesty and the above discrepancies in her story. My heart is telling me that she may be telling the truth (before this I never would have suspected her of cheating), but the evidence makes me doubt her story. If my wife is telling the truth the situation isn’t nearly as bad. This is the difference between infidelity and her just putting herself in a relatively compromising environment.

    How do I navigate this? Should I try to forgive her? Because of my technical background, I have the ability to restore deleted texts. I was thinking about insisting that she allow me to restore any deleted texts and gauge her response. A downright refusal to allow me to restore texts between her and this guy would certainly indicate guilt, or at least that she's hiding things. I’m considering asking her to go to marriage counseling to work this out as well. the thought of divorce makes me sick to my stomach.

    I need perspective and clarity here. please help!
     
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  2. (° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ)

    (° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ) Well-Known Member Supporter

    +2,925
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    The initial impression that I have is that it was a crazy night at a club. I really don't think we can jump to sexual intercourse. However, her actions and dishonesty have sown the seeds of doubt in your marriage. You are not wrong for feeling the way you do. It is okay for you to feel hurt and betrayed by the one you love. You are not wrong and your shouldn't feel guilty about it. In this situation, she didn't have to have sex with the person for it to have been wrong. There is absolutely no excuse for a married woman to have done the things she has already confessed to.

    Now, the ball is in your court and you have two options. You can either forgive her or not. If you forgive her, you must truly forgive her. Meaning that you will not bring it up. You will not go digging through her phone, and you will not hold it over her head. I understand that damage has been done and it will take time for your relationship to heal. If you choose to forgive her, that is great! I am praying for that.

    However, clear boundaries must be established for a healthy relationship. One of those boundaries is trust. My wife and I have fidelity as a firm boundary that has no compromise attached. We both swore to each other that we would be faithful until death on our wedding. Thus, we both understand that if either one of us violates that covenantal vow, the other will leave....period. I know for a fact that if I cheated on my wife, she is gone and there is absolutely nothing that will stop her. This is in no way should be considered a threat, coercion, or "the demands of a controlling husband". It is simply a boundary that you both agree on with an understanding that if one chooses to violate that boundary they are also choosing the resulting consequence. If she chooses to cheat on you, she chose to throw your marriage away and the only person to blame is herself.

    Now, if you cannot forgive her.....well lets just say I have never seen a marriage last very long under those situations.
     
  3. SkyWriting

    SkyWriting The Librarian Supporter

    +6,746
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    US-Others

    Your wife is seeking a loving and supportive person
    who accepts her as she is now. Do you plan to be
    that kind of person? Becasue that is what she needs.

    You should look her in the eyes and love every word she says to you.
    You can fix this in minutes by doing this.
     
  4. dysert

    dysert Member

    +2,201
    Christian
    Married
    Given that you love your wife a lot and that the thought of divorce makes you sick, you can choose to believe her. Nothing says that you *have* to divorce her - even if she was unfaithful. So choose to believe her and move on as if the incident never occurred. I realize that by doing so you run the risk of looking like a fool in her eyes, but isn't that risk worth it? After all, if this guy pops up later on, you can always re-evaluate then, but for now just accept her word for things and enjoy your life.
     
  5. Seadish

    Seadish Member

    246
    +210
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    It's definitely a personal decision to choose to "get over it" Ive been there For me it was the denial that anything happened that I couldn't be ok with. It made me miserable which made my exhusband miserable. I personally although mine was not a good marriage or even a good friendship wish I would have prayed more for me to be a stronger woman of God and held on to my faith more divorce is awful and I'm so very sorry for you life does go on though if that's the path you choose , Just always that regret- it's a hard call, I totally recommend therapy but both of you have to want . Talk to God.
     
  6. Seadish

    Seadish Member

    246
    +210
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Most perfect answer totally agree
     
  7. A_Thinker

    A_Thinker Well-Known Member Supporter

    +6,584
    Christian
    Married
    A few things jump out at me here ...

    1. Why is your wife vacationing ... without you ?
    2. Your wife's revelations seem believable ... given the circumstances.
    3. The other guy's actions seem believable ... for some guys.
    4. The other guy is in Europe ?
    5. You love your wife.
    6. Your wife is trying to show that she loves you.

    I think that I would forgive my wife's momentary indiscretion, restore the relationship, ... and seek to never allow my wife to find herself in a similar situation (i.e. on vacation, having fun, drinking, etc.) ... while you're not around. That just sets her up to possibly enjoy the attentions of an admirer.
     
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