I'm about to break...

[DevastatedNate]

Hello all. I just need to get this off my chest because I'm about to completely break.

I want to disclaim that the mess I'm in is my fault and I take responsibility for my condition.

I'm at the end of my rope with suffering and I don't know what that means cause I'm not killing myself. There is too much pressure on me. Spiritually I'm an utter mess and no matter what I do there is no resolve. I'm living in torment that I brought on my self because I'm the stupidest person to ever live.

But that's my fault. I don't blame anyone else for my mistakes. I feel I've done a decent job at forgiving those who wronged me in past, as part of healing this is positive.

I'm falling apart bit by bit and have been for months now and my family is suffering terribly because of it. I force myself to go to the store, I force myself to do self care, I pay my bills. But I'm a shell of a person and I can't hide it from anyone no matter how I try and its causing everyone stress. When I don't hide it amd didn't for months I was met with more distress from family amd their frustration so I try now to put on a more happy false face amd they seem to do better. I'm glad about that.

I feel like my family is having to pay for my mistakes by watching me suffer. I try to be tough and I force myself to do daily necessities but it's only doing so much. I see a pyschaitrist amd therapists. They are not able to help too much but I appreciate them.

I've begged and pleaded with God for help amd to give me a purpose for him or to let me know what it is so my suffering won't feel in vain. But nothing, amd that's my fault too cause I've been so evil and feel beyond forgiveness, but that's been talked about in other threads ive posted.

If I had 20 minutes of genuine rest/peace I would cry myself dehydrated from joy. To be able to go for a stroll and feel the breeze on my face, to feel the sunshine in my back. To sit in my easy chair and nap. To get up in the morning and enjoy looking forward to what the day has in store. To talk to another person about something mundane amd actually connect to that

I feel no meaning or peace in anything, even the wind blowing in a spring day feels ominous and full of menace. I'm utterly defiled and useless to God.

This post was negative and self loathing I know. That's my current state. I was never like this before my spiritual torment.

I know there is no magic pill but thank you for listening.

 

[Thatgirloncfforums]

You're not alone. Just know that many of us are going through a similar darkness.

 

[Dave G.]

Jesus said seek Me and you will find Me. Too many I's in your story and not one seeking God element mentioned. That may sound harsh but sometimes we simply don't realize how far we have strayed from the answer, which is Him. Just reminding you.

 

[Thatgirloncfforums]

Jesus said seek Me and you will find Me. Too many I's in your story and not one seeking God element mentioned. That may sound harsh but sometimes we simply don't realize how far we have strayed from the answer, which is Him. Just reminding you.

What if you do seek him but still can't find him fully? Sometimes, people need someone with skin on. People need Christ yes, but Christ talking, walking, hugging.

 

[Handmaid for Jesus]

Jesus understands

 

[Handmaid for Jesus]

What if you do seek him but still can't find him fully? Sometimes, people need someone with skin on. People need Christ yes, but Christ talking, walking, hugging.

Fellowship with other believers.

 

[Thatgirloncfforums]

Fellowship with other believers.

That's the best we have now it seems. Even at church I still feel the loneliness and long to be with God.

 

[DevastatedNate]

You're not alone. Just know that many of us are going through a similar darkness.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing darkness.

 

[DevastatedNate]

Jesus said seek Me and you will find Me. Too many I's in your story and not one seeking God element mentioned. That may sound harsh but sometimes we simply don't realize how far we have strayed from the answer, which is Him. Just reminding you.

No I don't take it as harsh..

 

[Thatgirloncfforums]

I'm so sorry you're experiencing darkness.

I'm sorry for you too.

 

[Halbhh]

Hello all. I just need to get this off my chest because I'm about to completely break.

I want to disclaim that the mess I'm in is my fault and I take responsibility for my condition.

I'm at the end of my rope with suffering and I don't know what that means cause I'm not killing myself. There is too much pressure on me. Spiritually I'm an utter mess and no matter what I do there is no resolve. I'm living in torment that I brought on my self because I'm the stupidest person to ever live.

But that's my fault. I don't blame anyone else for my mistakes. I feel I've done a decent job at forgiving those who wronged me in past, as part of healing this is positive.

I'm falling apart bit by bit and have been for months now and my family is suffering terribly because of it. I force myself to go to the store, I force myself to do self care, I pay my bills. But I'm a shell of a person and I can't hide it from anyone no matter how I try and its causing everyone stress. When I don't hide it amd didn't for months I was met with more distress from family amd their frustration so I try now to put on a more happy false face amd they seem to do better. I'm glad about that.

I feel like my family is having to pay for my mistakes by watching me suffer. I try to be tough and I force myself to do daily necessities but it's only doing so much. I see a pyschaitrist amd therapists. They are not able to help too much but I appreciate them.

I've begged and pleaded with God for help amd to give me a purpose for him or to let me know what it is so my suffering won't feel in vain. But nothing, amd that's my fault too cause I've been so evil and feel beyond forgiveness, but that's been talked about in other threads ive posted.

If I had 20 minutes of genuine rest/peace I would cry myself dehydrated from joy. To be able to go for a stroll and feel the breeze on my face, to feel the sunshine in my back. To sit in my easy chair and nap. To get up in the morning and enjoy looking forward to what the day has in store. To talk to another person about something mundane amd actually connect to that

I feel no meaning or peace in anything, even the wind blowing in a spring day feels ominous and full of menace. I'm utterly defiled and useless to God.

This post was negative and self loathing I know. That's my current state. I was never like this before my spiritual torment.

I know there is no magic pill but thank you for listening.

Take Christ at His word in this (and I can testify it's 100% true and works just like He says) --

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

If we will learn from Him -- by listening to what He says to us: in His words He spoke in order that we would listen and hear and learn from Him....

It works just as He says. Word for word. When we come and truly listen and learn from Him, then He will give us that rest!

Here's a place to start:
Matthew 4 NIV

And take your time starting in chapter 5! The goal isn't to finish (like in a certain number of days or hours), but to remain with His words, keeping them, dwelling with His words, having them in your mind.

A person might take a month to read chapters 5 through 7 for instance, reading just a few verses a day, and just totally overwhelmed at what they've read, and full, and needing to just stay with the words.

 

[Handmaid for Jesus]

Jesus promised to send the Comforter. Now ask Him to fill you with the Holy Spirit. Read John 14 & 15 chapters.

 

[bekkilyn]

Maybe just accept that it's okay that you are having all of these problems and stop pretending. If you are diagnosed with clinical depression, it's not your fault for feeling the way you do. It's a medical problem. It's also possible that it's not depression, but undiagnosed autism or ADHD, both of which could make it very difficult to function when it comes to day to day tasks and/or make it so that you are very easily overwhelmed. That's not your fault either. They are neurological conditions.

The problem is that family and friends often can't see the brokenness in the same way they could see someone with a broken leg. They don't expect a person with a broken leg to be able to walk, but what about someone with a broken brain? It often goes unseen but is just as real as the broken leg.

It can be treated and perhaps your family/friends need to be educated in some way as to your needs so that you can improve your life and function better in day to day life, but accept that you are the way you are right now and that's okay. And you are where you are right now and that's also okay. And God accepts those things as well. He is willing to meet you right where you are, and your purpose is to glorify him in the best way you can at THIS time, even if all you can do right now is just saying thank you. He knows your heart and your desires and your frustrations and hardships, and he suffers these things along with you.

But remember when he said, "love your neighbor as you love yourself?" You need to take care of yourself first before you can be of help to others and it's a slow, one-step-at-a time process.

You may not be able to do everything, keep up with everything, and take joy in it all, but you might at least find one small thing to be grateful for each day and focus on that, and not worry about the rest, and perhaps it will plant a small seed in you that will eventually lead to where you want to be. Small, tiny, baby steps.

God with you.

 

[Dave G.]

What if you do seek him but still can't find him fully? Sometimes, people need someone with skin on. People need Christ yes, but Christ talking, walking, hugging.

Without Him we have nothing, we can't even do well in fellowship. So seek Him first, fellowship second. Sometimes we do need someone to point us to Him. God directs our paths by way of His Holy Spirit . And hey, it could be He will well direct you to someone with skin.

 

[BobRyan]

Here is an open door for your spirit - take this way of escape in the life of Christ. What do you have to lose?

"Christ - God with us" chapter 1.
The Desire of Ages

 

[William J]

I pray that God would grant you meaning and comfort in your life.

 

[DevastatedNate]

I pray that God would grant you meaning and comfort in your life.

Thank you so much for that prayer.

 

[lsume]

Hello all. I just need to get this off my chest because I'm about to completely break.

I want to disclaim that the mess I'm in is my fault and I take responsibility for my condition.

I'm at the end of my rope with suffering and I don't know what that means cause I'm not killing myself. There is too much pressure on me. Spiritually I'm an utter mess and no matter what I do there is no resolve. I'm living in torment that I brought on my self because I'm the stupidest person to ever live.

But that's my fault. I don't blame anyone else for my mistakes. I feel I've done a decent job at forgiving those who wronged me in past, as part of healing this is positive.

I'm falling apart bit by bit and have been for months now and my family is suffering terribly because of it. I force myself to go to the store, I force myself to do self care, I pay my bills. But I'm a shell of a person and I can't hide it from anyone no matter how I try and its causing everyone stress. When I don't hide it amd didn't for months I was met with more distress from family amd their frustration so I try now to put on a more happy false face amd they seem to do better. I'm glad about that.

I feel like my family is having to pay for my mistakes by watching me suffer. I try to be tough and I force myself to do daily necessities but it's only doing so much. I see a pyschaitrist amd therapists. They are not able to help too much but I appreciate them.

I've begged and pleaded with God for help amd to give me a purpose for him or to let me know what it is so my suffering won't feel in vain. But nothing, amd that's my fault too cause I've been so evil and feel beyond forgiveness, but that's been talked about in other threads ive posted.

If I had 20 minutes of genuine rest/peace I would cry myself dehydrated from joy. To be able to go for a stroll and feel the breeze on my face, to feel the sunshine in my back. To sit in my easy chair and nap. To get up in the morning and enjoy looking forward to what the day has in store. To talk to another person about something mundane amd actually connect to that

I feel no meaning or peace in anything, even the wind blowing in a spring day feels ominous and full of menace. I'm utterly defiled and useless to God.

This post was negative and self loathing I know. That's my current state. I was never like this before my spiritual torment.

I know there is no magic pill but thank you for listening.

Of course, I don’t know exactly what ails you but I do sense hopeless. That’s a very unpleasant place to be for sure. I suggest you stop all media in your life and focus only on prayer and fasting. It might be very hard to do but with prayer and focus it can be done.

 

[disciple Clint]

Hello all. I just need to get this off my chest because I'm about to completely break.

I want to disclaim that the mess I'm in is my fault and I take responsibility for my condition.

I'm at the end of my rope with suffering and I don't know what that means cause I'm not killing myself. There is too much pressure on me. Spiritually I'm an utter mess and no matter what I do there is no resolve. I'm living in torment that I brought on my self because I'm the stupidest person to ever live.

But that's my fault. I don't blame anyone else for my mistakes. I feel I've done a decent job at forgiving those who wronged me in past, as part of healing this is positive.

I'm falling apart bit by bit and have been for months now and my family is suffering terribly because of it. I force myself to go to the store, I force myself to do self care, I pay my bills. But I'm a shell of a person and I can't hide it from anyone no matter how I try and its causing everyone stress. When I don't hide it amd didn't for months I was met with more distress from family amd their frustration so I try now to put on a more happy false face amd they seem to do better. I'm glad about that.

I feel like my family is having to pay for my mistakes by watching me suffer. I try to be tough and I force myself to do daily necessities but it's only doing so much. I see a pyschaitrist amd therapists. They are not able to help too much but I appreciate them.

I've begged and pleaded with God for help amd to give me a purpose for him or to let me know what it is so my suffering won't feel in vain. But nothing, amd that's my fault too cause I've been so evil and feel beyond forgiveness, but that's been talked about in other threads ive posted.

If I had 20 minutes of genuine rest/peace I would cry myself dehydrated from joy. To be able to go for a stroll and feel the breeze on my face, to feel the sunshine in my back. To sit in my easy chair and nap. To get up in the morning and enjoy looking forward to what the day has in store. To talk to another person about something mundane amd actually connect to that

I feel no meaning or peace in anything, even the wind blowing in a spring day feels ominous and full of menace. I'm utterly defiled and useless to God.

This post was negative and self loathing I know. That's my current state. I was never like this before my spiritual torment.

I know there is no magic pill but thank you for listening.

I think you should talk to your doctor about this, there are meds that could possibly help you feel much better and function as you would like. I understand how you feel, been there myself, do you possibly have ptsd? you can have it and have no idea that it is causing you to act in ways that you reflect on as being out of character. These kinds of problems do not get better unless you get help.

 

[IWalkAlone]

Jesus forgives sin. Why do you feel unrest?