I've been married 9.5 years to my husband. We are both Christians, or so I thought.
To keep this as brief as possible, I'll just say that our entire marriage has been a struggle. From Day 1, it has been painful for me. For him, he seems to have thought (until now) that it was all just "normal". When we met with a marriage counselor 3 years ago, the counselor asked me how much longer I could stay married if my husband didn't change. My answer was less than 1 year. My husband's answer was 20+ years, aka, a lifetime. He didn't see a problem. He thought things were fine. I, however, know it is not.
Fast forward to today, 1 miscarriage later and a now miracle 8 month old and I'm at a much darker place. I have had many suicidal thoughts and thoughts of leaving my husband and going some place far, far away. I have even thought of hurting him. I've wished him dead.
I've recently found out that he's a sex addict. He came clean about a month ago. He's masturbated since he was 12. He has fetishes with things like handcuffs and rubber gloves. He's also worn my lingerie and masturbated. He's been into inappropriate content and lusting after women at his job, and most hurtful, at our church. Namely, our pastor's wife. He has compared me the entirety of our marriage. All of the above has just been disclosed to me in the last month. I had no idea any specifics. I've always known we had something between us, but he seemed to blame me and so did I.
He has initiated sex maybe 10% of the time in the 9.5 years of marriage. I'm short and curvy, a little overweight. I'm a typical size 10. I'm conservative and quirky in my clothing. I do not look to be flashy or appealing but I do feel that I'm attractive. I could stand to lose 15-20lbs. I can see how that may be a struggle for him. I do wish he were more honest and open with me about how he felt about my physical weight and appearance. He has the most odd obsession with our pastor's wife. She's taller than me by maybe 2 inches and has a more boyish, slender figure, not very curvy as I am. She's about a size 6-8. She is alluring in personality and very gaudy in her dress. I find this painful because I'm being compared to something I can never be. He has given me his word to let me know everything that happens at work and at church or even when we're apart. As far as his thoughts, lusts, and actions. He did this for about 2 weeks and for the most part, I asked him, there was not an initiation on his part.
I am crushed, confused and sickened. I know we have problems. And I'll be the first one to admit I'm not perfect. I have my flaws and I realize there are 2 sides to every story and there are 2 sides to every betrayal. I realize there is probably some degree that I have caused him to go astray in his heart and mind. But I'm also smart enough to realize that my husband has willingly damaged my heart, multiple times, and has blamed me consistently for this. He doesn't initiate conversations, discussions and has not even shown remorse (to my standards) for his actions and the hurt he has caused. Yes, I have days where it's a huge pity party and it's all about how I've been abandoned emotionally and how I was pregnant and he was off in his heart with my pastor's wife. I'm a new mom, still in the first year of postpartum recovery and all the while, he wants and lusts for someone else. It hurts so much.
He has admitted after I pried, that he has envisioned my pastor's wife and other women when he was having sex with me. This has crushed my spirit. I feel that I have been abused. I don't even know the first step. As said before, he does not initiate talking. I do. He often gets defensive, huffs and puffs and doesn't have anything constructive to say. He makes excuses for everything he does. We argue for hours. HOURS. And nothing is accomplished except that I am more angry and livid every day. There are days that I thought I had forgiven him, but then I go to church and there SHE is. When I ask how it went for him, the first 2 weeks was "fine". Now, he's having thoughts again, he's already let his guard down and feels that he's "achieved the next level". He told me being honest is too much work and that it feels like he keeps hurting me with the truth, so he's decided to just keep it in.
What do I do? How do I go on? I'm so mad at him I could punch him in the face. I'm so mad at what he's allowed into our home. What he's done to our 8 month old baby. Please help me. I'm sinking.
To keep this as brief as possible, I'll just say that our entire marriage has been a struggle. From Day 1, it has been painful for me. For him, he seems to have thought (until now) that it was all just "normal". When we met with a marriage counselor 3 years ago, the counselor asked me how much longer I could stay married if my husband didn't change. My answer was less than 1 year. My husband's answer was 20+ years, aka, a lifetime. He didn't see a problem. He thought things were fine. I, however, know it is not.
Fast forward to today, 1 miscarriage later and a now miracle 8 month old and I'm at a much darker place. I have had many suicidal thoughts and thoughts of leaving my husband and going some place far, far away. I have even thought of hurting him. I've wished him dead.
I've recently found out that he's a sex addict. He came clean about a month ago. He's masturbated since he was 12. He has fetishes with things like handcuffs and rubber gloves. He's also worn my lingerie and masturbated. He's been into inappropriate content and lusting after women at his job, and most hurtful, at our church. Namely, our pastor's wife. He has compared me the entirety of our marriage. All of the above has just been disclosed to me in the last month. I had no idea any specifics. I've always known we had something between us, but he seemed to blame me and so did I.
He has initiated sex maybe 10% of the time in the 9.5 years of marriage. I'm short and curvy, a little overweight. I'm a typical size 10. I'm conservative and quirky in my clothing. I do not look to be flashy or appealing but I do feel that I'm attractive. I could stand to lose 15-20lbs. I can see how that may be a struggle for him. I do wish he were more honest and open with me about how he felt about my physical weight and appearance. He has the most odd obsession with our pastor's wife. She's taller than me by maybe 2 inches and has a more boyish, slender figure, not very curvy as I am. She's about a size 6-8. She is alluring in personality and very gaudy in her dress. I find this painful because I'm being compared to something I can never be. He has given me his word to let me know everything that happens at work and at church or even when we're apart. As far as his thoughts, lusts, and actions. He did this for about 2 weeks and for the most part, I asked him, there was not an initiation on his part.
I am crushed, confused and sickened. I know we have problems. And I'll be the first one to admit I'm not perfect. I have my flaws and I realize there are 2 sides to every story and there are 2 sides to every betrayal. I realize there is probably some degree that I have caused him to go astray in his heart and mind. But I'm also smart enough to realize that my husband has willingly damaged my heart, multiple times, and has blamed me consistently for this. He doesn't initiate conversations, discussions and has not even shown remorse (to my standards) for his actions and the hurt he has caused. Yes, I have days where it's a huge pity party and it's all about how I've been abandoned emotionally and how I was pregnant and he was off in his heart with my pastor's wife. I'm a new mom, still in the first year of postpartum recovery and all the while, he wants and lusts for someone else. It hurts so much.
He has admitted after I pried, that he has envisioned my pastor's wife and other women when he was having sex with me. This has crushed my spirit. I feel that I have been abused. I don't even know the first step. As said before, he does not initiate talking. I do. He often gets defensive, huffs and puffs and doesn't have anything constructive to say. He makes excuses for everything he does. We argue for hours. HOURS. And nothing is accomplished except that I am more angry and livid every day. There are days that I thought I had forgiven him, but then I go to church and there SHE is. When I ask how it went for him, the first 2 weeks was "fine". Now, he's having thoughts again, he's already let his guard down and feels that he's "achieved the next level". He told me being honest is too much work and that it feels like he keeps hurting me with the truth, so he's decided to just keep it in.
What do I do? How do I go on? I'm so mad at him I could punch him in the face. I'm so mad at what he's allowed into our home. What he's done to our 8 month old baby. Please help me. I'm sinking.
