If you could teach how to be married...

[InTheFlame]

Dont mind what other people tell you.

Why not? Aren't we supposed to consider the counsel of others, check it against scripture, pray about it?

Do what God tells you to do.

I agree wholeheartedly. But also, be sure that God is actually saying what you think he's saying. This is where other believers can be useful, for bringing parts of God's word that might apply to your situation to your attention.

Look, I know I may sound like a naysayer. I'm not wanting to discourage searle from obeying God. But I do have enough experience in two areas that her situation makes me wonder about what God's telling her. First area - scars from my childhood, and unhealthy relational habits. Second area - a heart for helping others get through the same sort of things I had to, hopefully with less scars. I was very sure, a number of times, that God was telling me to jump into fulltime ministry right away. Know what? I was wrong. Every time I tried, HE stopped me. Not Satan, not other believers... although he did work through other believers a couple of times. A number of times lately God has shown me the results of some 'ministry' entered into prematurely, with more enthusiasm than wisdom. The results can be disasterous for all concerned - which includes innocent bystanders. Sometimes God calls us for a ministry, and we need to wait expectantly... taking every opportunity to prepare our hearts and minds for what he has for us. I'm still not in fulltime ministry, 5 or so years after I heard God's call. But I'm continually learning, gaining wisdom and knowledge, and using that in 'little' ways. As DMckay pointed out, the bible is quite clear that those who teach others MUST be held to a much higher standard, because of the responsibility they bear - the risk they bear of causing a lot of grief, pain and (where marriage counselling is concerned) broken relationships and marriages.

The apostles went through a 3-year apprenticeship. Even Paul was sent away to Tarsus before he really started his ministry. God's call and a fullblown ministry often don't follow in a matter of days, or even months. That's OK... it doesn't mean a person is lacking.

 

[EJO]

It is so needed- to always affirm marriage and challenge couples on all kids of aspects of your relationship. It is like making sure you keep up your maintenance on your automobile- going to marrige classes/seminars. Being involved in a home group on marriage. There are all kinds of things that you can do to make sure you keep your marriage tuned up and in ' working order'. There is SO much out there on the market on marriage studies, most of it is alot of fluff, and 10 ways to ... but what you need is to get to the heart of the issues, our sin nature, our pride, lusts, selfishness.
A very good book is Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas:
http://www.garythomas.com/index.htm Check it out.

Good luck, God Bless. My wife and I did many years in marriage ministry. Taught classes and had a lot of fun serving each other and the body of Christ.
email me or note me and let me know how it goes!

 

[Dmckay]

Dont mind what other people tell you. Do what God tells you to do.

Good advice, provided that you KNOW that it is really G-d telling you. If it is it will not contradict what He has said in His Word.

 

[Dmckay]

Why not? Aren't we supposed to consider the counsel of others, check it against scripture, pray about it?

I agree wholeheartedly. But also, be sure that God is actually saying what you think he's saying. This is where other believers can be useful, for bringing parts of God's word that might apply to your situation to your attention.

Look, I know I may sound like a naysayer. I'm not wanting to discourage searle from obeying God. But I do have enough experience in two areas that her situation makes me wonder about what God's telling her. First area - scars from my childhood, and unhealthy relational habits. Second area - a heart for helping others get through the same sort of things I had to, hopefully with less scars. I was very sure, a number of times, that God was telling me to jump into fulltime ministry right away. Know what? I was wrong. Every time I tried, HE stopped me. Not Satan, not other believers... although he did work through other believers a couple of times. A number of times lately God has shown me the results of some 'ministry' entered into prematurely, with more enthusiasm than wisdom. The results can be disasterous for all concerned - which includes innocent bystanders. Sometimes God calls us for a ministry, and we need to wait expectantly... taking every opportunity to prepare our hearts and minds for what he has for us. I'm still not in fulltime ministry, 5 or so years after I heard God's call. But I'm continually learning, gaining wisdom and knowledge, and using that in 'little' ways. As DMckay pointed out, the bible is quite clear that those who teach others MUST be held to a much higher standard, because of the responsibility they bear - the risk they bear of causing a lot of grief, pain and (where marriage counselling is concerned) broken relationships and marriages.

The apostles went through a 3-year apprenticeship. Even Paul was sent away to Tarsus before he really started his ministry. God's call and a fullblown ministry often don't follow in a matter of days, or even months. That's OK... it doesn't mean a person is lacking.

This is some excellent advice. Remember, Moses was 40 years in the house of Pharoah learning how to be a leader of men. Then G-d put him on the backside of the desert for another 40 years to make him humble enough to be used of G-d to accomplish His Will in delivering the Israelites.

Recognizing a need is not necessarily the same thing as a Call from G-d that an individual is supposed to take on that ministry. When someone has actually been called of G-d, they don't use terms like I think I might like to, or maybe I should, it's always there is nothing else that I can do with my life, EXCEPT this and still be happy. When I first talked to my Pastor years ago about how I would go about preparing for ministry, he spent the next 3 1/2 hours trying to talk me out of it, before he would give me any information on what I needed to do.

 

[Torah]

It is my opinion: Dating, and being alone together kissing, touching, etc. Builds a relationship based on lust, and sexual desire. Courtship is never being alone together, kissing, touching. Builds a relationship based on getting to know who the other person is. Thus you “fall in love” with the other person and not “fall in lust”. Again, this is my opinion and not a very popular one in our society today.

It is my opinion: to start off on the right foot is important: Sit down and Wright a list of things that are important to you. And your spouse to be does the same thing. Such as!
1) Will there be one bank account or two separate ones?
2) Will we live close to ones in-laws or move away?
3) Who church will we go to
4) Will we have kids right away or wait?
5) Will the wife stay home with the kids?


It is my opinion: That as a spouse one must give 100% to the other. I have called this an “attitude adjustment” in life. When I was single, I had a lot of single friends. But, when I got married I [for the most parts] stopped hanging around with single friends. And “WE” started finding friends who were married and ganging around with them. Then! When we started to have children we stopped hanging around with couples with out children. [Too many Breakables At Kid Level,] And we started to hang around with couples with kids. [Breakables Above Kid Level. B,A,K,L]
Attitude adjustment is giving 100%.

It is my opinion: This is the most important part of a successful marriage is “Communication”. I find that our best time to talk is just before we go to sleep or in the morning. I call this our “Pillow talk time”. I believe it is very important to be open and completely honest with each other. My wife is my best friend.

Irreconcilable differences...

[Love covers a multitude of sins] If one focus on only the negative of there spouse it is only a mater of time that he/she will want out of there marriage. And/or will start noticing the positive of another. If we get to know who the person is on the inside and fall in love with whom that person is, our love will cover there sins [Irreconcilable differences] In other words does my wife sometimes snore? You bet! Does she cook great meals, kiss tenderly, and over look my Irreconcilable differences. You bet. This is “LOVE”.

Sexual Issues…..

This is a very funny subject. I believe that in our society today we have used sex to gauge “LOVE”. “If you love me you’ll do this or that”. This is manipulation not love. I believe there are two kinds of love making. They are like a meal. There is fast foods where you pop it in the
Mike-o-wave and eat. The other you eat in coerces. Both are good in its own way. And I “always” make sure that when were finished we both are satisfied.
I must say that the best meals that I have eaten are when I do things extra nice for my wife. Such as, moping the floor, doing the dishes, Things that I normally don’t do. [A big one], taking the kids out and give her time to herself. Men are turned on by sight. Women are turned on by the sweet things we do.
When it’s time to eat one should never force [by manipulation] something on your spouse plate that she does not want. And before you sit down to a meal ask the L-rd to keep your meal pure and clean and thank him for what you have. And enjoy.

Child Rearing and how it affects the marital relationship…

I believe that the burden of this one mostly falls on the wife. As I said above, it is very important for her to have time to herself. After work some times I would take the kids to a movie, or out for burgers and bring the wife something back. On the weekends I would sneak out with the kids and leave a pot of coffee on, newspaper on the table and a rose. And I would spend the day with the kids. [Men! Do this a few times and you’ll get a full coerces meal.]

 

[Dmckay]

This is just one week's homework assignment for the Pre-marital sessions that I hold for couples. It is designed to get them thinking and talking about some important areas in a marital relationship that most couple don't even talk about after their wedding. The Scripture is to show them what the Bible says about their roles and responsibilities, that they may not have considered.

WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE ABOUT YOUR ROLE CONCEPT IN MARRIAGE?

Key: 1) Strongly agree 2) Mildly agree 3) Not sure 4) Mildly disagree 5) Strongly disagree

WIFE HUSBAND
12345 The husband is the head of the home. 12345
12345 The wife should not be employed outside the home. 12345
12345 The husband should help regularly with the dishes. 12345
12345 The wife has the greater responsibility for the children. 12345
12345 The husband should have at least one night out with his friends. 12345
12345 Money that the wife earns is her money. 12345
12345 The wife should always be the one to cook. 12345
12345 The husband's responsibility is to his job and the wife's is 12345
to the home and children.

12345 Money can best be handled through a joint checking account. 12345
12345 Marriage is a 50-50 proposition. 12345
12345 Major decisions should be made by the husband in case of an 12345
impasse.
12345 The husband should baby-sit one night a week so the wife can 12345
get away and do what she wants.
12345 A couple should spend their recreation and leisure activities 12345
one another.

12345 It is all right for a wife to initiate love making? 12345
12345 The husband and wife should plan the budget and manage money 12345
matters together.

12345 Neither the husband nor the wife should purchase any item over 12345
$50 without consulting the other.

12345 The father is the one responsible for disciplining the children. 12345
12345 The wife who has special talents should have a career. 12345
12345 It is a wife's responsibility to have the house neat and clean. 12345 Arguments are a definite part of marriage. 12345

12345 A husband should take his wife out somewhere twice a month. 12345
12345 The wife is equally responsible for disciplining the children. 12345
12345 It is the husband's job to do the yard work. 12345
12345 The mother should be a teacher of values to the children. 12345
12345 Women are more emotional than men. 12345
12345 Children should be allowed to help plan family activities. 12345
12345 Children develop better in the home with parents who are strict 12345
disciplinarians.
12345 The wife should always obey what her husband asks her to do. 12345
12345 The husband should decide which areas each should be 12345
responsible for.
12345 Either husband or wife should bring their parents into the home 12345
to live.
12345 Quarrels are always wrong in marriage relationships. 12345
12345 It is better to modify the truth to avoid an unpleasant 12345
situation the family.

12345 Children should not argue with their parents no matter how 12345
strongly they feel about a matter.
12345 A wife should not work outside the home while children are at 12345
home.
12345 Every Christian home should have family devotions even if the 12345
children object.
12345 Children have equal rights with parents. 12345
12345 Spanking is one of the most effective forms of discipline and is 12345
what the Bible advocates.
12345 A man's responsibility to his family comes before his 12345
responsibility to his church.

12345 A parent should spend private time with each child daily - 12345
probably not less than 15 minutes.

12345 A child should not make important choices until his late teens. 12345
12345 Everyone in the family should be treated alike - no special 12345
treatment.
12345 TV is too influential in homes today. Parents should control it. 12345
12345 Men and women have separate roles in the home. This influences 12345
the way they relate to their children.
12345 Men should appear strong and decisive before their children. It 12345
is better for dads not to be too emotional or affectionate.
12345 Children should obey their parents without any back talk. 12345
12345 The husband and wife should function as equals in the home. 12345

12345 The parents should communicate positively with their children. 12345
Nagging, criticizing, demanding, sarcasm, and yelling should be
avoided.
12345 Parents should budget specific time during the week for family 12345
activities. Nothing should interfere with this time.
12345 Children's opinions are as important as the parents' opinions. 12345

The Wife and Husband should be on opposite margins with the set of 5 numbers under each. I haven't got the handle on working with HTML enough to set up columns. Sorry!


BIBLICAL BACKGROUND

I. MARRIAGE IS A DIVINE ORDINANCE

A. The Lord is the builder Psalm 127:1
B. Not good for man to be alone Gen. 2:18
C. Man is made in God's image Gen. 1:26
D. God made male and female Gen. 1:27; 5:2
E. Woman taken from and given to man Gen. 2:22
F. One flesh Gen. 2:23; Matt. 19:5,6; Mark 10:2-12
G. Permanent Matt. 19:6

II. PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE
A. Companionship Gen. 2:20-24
B. Sex (Unification) Gen. 2:24; Heb. 13:4; I Cor 7:2-5,9
C. Raising children (Procreation) Gen. 1:27,28; Ps. 127; Ps. 128

III. STANDARDS IN MARRIAGE
A. Monogamous (only one partner at one time) I Tim. 2:12; Gen. 2:24; Matt. 19:5,6; Mark 10:7,8
B. Fidelity (loyalty) Ex. 20:14; Matt. 5:27,28
C. Permanent union Mark 10:9; I Cor. 7:10
D. Love Eph. 5:2; Titus 2:4,5
E. Not unequally yoked II Cor 6:14

IV. MARRIAGE COMMENDED
A. Wife is a good thing Prov. 18:22
B. Holy and righteous Rev. 19:7-9
C. Find rest in the house of her husband Ruth 1:9
D. Marriage is honorable Heb. 13:4; Prov. 31:10,12

GOVERNMENT OF THE FAMILY

I. DUTIES OF THE HUSBAND
A. Head of the family Eph. 5:23, 24
B. Husband rules Gen. 3:16; Esther 1:22
C. Command and manage household Gen. 18:19; I Tim. 3:12
D. Manage family well I Tim. 3:4
E. Head of the wife Eph. 5:28-33; Col. 3:19
F. Love of his wife Eph. 5:28-33; Col. 3:19
G. Provider I Tim. 5:8
H. Teach Deut. 4:9; 6:7
I. Let his wife satisfy his needs Prov. 5:15-20
J. Love, consideration, understanding I Peter 3:7,8

Ii. DUTIES OF THE WIFE
A. Subject to husband Eph. 5:22, 24; Col. 3:18; I Pet. 3:1,5
B. Love husband and children Titus 2:4,5
C. Busy at home Titus 2:4,5
D. Child bearer Gen. 3:16
E. Fruitful vine Ps. 128:3
F. Win husband by behavior I Peter 3:1-6

III. GOOD WIFE
A. Virtuous Prov. 12:4
B. Builds house Prov. 14:1
C. Prudent from the Lord Prov. 19:14
D. Godly woman Prov. 31:10-30

IV. POOR WIFE
A. Contentious Prov. 21:9; 19:13; 21:9; 27:16
B. Treacherous (Samson's wife) Judges 14
C. Jezebel I Kings 21

BIBLICAL BACKGROUND OF CHILD REARING

I. DUTIES OF PARENTHOOD
A. Nurture and admonish Eph. 5:22; 6:4
B. Train Prov. 22:6
C. Be example I Kings 9:4
D. Teach Deut. 6:7
E. Provide II Cor. 12:14
F. Control I Tim. 3:4
G. Love Titus 2:4

II. FATHER'S DUTY
A. To rule I Tim. 3:12; 3:4
B. To chasten Prov. 19:18
C. To correct Prov. 22:15; 23:13
D. To teach Deut. 6:7; 11:18-21; 4:9,10;. 4:1-4; 1:8
E. To nurture, not to provoke Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21
F. To provide I Tim. 5:8; 11 Cor. 12:14
G. To encourage I Thess. 2:11
H. To command Gen. 18:19
1. To tell (explain) Ex. 10:2
J. To guide Jer. 3:4
K. To discipline Prov. 3:12; Heb. 12:56

Ill. MOTHER'S DUTY
A. To correct Prov. 29:15
B. To have compassion Is. 49:15
C. To comfort Is. 66:13
D. To love Titus 2:4
E. To teach Prov. 1:8
F. To be gentle I Thess-. 2:7

IV. DISCIPLINE
A. Like our Heavenly Father Prov. 4:1,2; Heb. 12:5-10
B. In love Prov. 13:24
C. Gives wisdom Prov. 29:15
D. Gives comfort and delights the soul Prov. 29:17

V. CHARACTERISTICS OF CHILDHOOD
A. Dependence I Thess. 2:7
B. Immaturity I Cor 13:11
C. Foolishness Prov. 22:15
D. Unstableness Eph. 4:14
E. Humility Matt. 18:1-5
F. Need instruction Prov. 22:6
G. Lasting influence on adults Is. 5:15
H. Imitates parents I Kings 15:11, 26
I. Diverse in nature Gen. 25:27
J. Playful Matt. 11:16-19
K. Capacity to glorify God Matt. 21:15, 16
L. Ability to understand Scripture Il Tim. 3:15
M. Can come to Christ Matt. 10: 13-16

I haven't figured out how to get this HTML to work the way I want. But the first section is designed for each to take separately. We then come together and discuss the differences of opinion, and why each answered the way they did.