I was starting to act like a normal person til I accidentally did not obey a certain compulsion. I do not remember what thoughts without my will to God created this compulsion but I remember, I think, trying to make me remember it, in order not to break the compulsion in the future. I accidentally did what my compulsion was telling me not to do.
ocd is making hypothesis and is telling me
ocd: maybe the reason you were maybe trying to make yourself to remember the compulsion, was because they are chances that the thoughts without your will that created the compulsion, were really thoughts with your will, for a second, so it is was no longer a compulsion but maybe a real promise to God.
I do not remember how strong or scary the thoughts without my will were or if they were 100% thoughts without my will. it was about not watching a specific dialogue from a youtube video. when the compulsion was created, I closed the video I was watching but for some reason, I was trying to find out which video it was. why I was searching which video it was? I do not remember. I remember saying to myself stuff like "oh now I have to find the video" but I do not remember if it was an other compulsion or if I was trying to find the video in order to make sure to remember not to click it in the future.
I accidentally, saw some seconds of that scene from that video on youtube and I am worried.
I have told God many times, no matter what, never to accept promises and to protect me from these worries and traps of my ocd.
I try not even think the word promise and now, I ended up worrying if I made an accidental promise?
I worried a lot the last 3 months to the point, that I was overpraying and being so anxious and dizzy from the ocd.
The last 3 months, there have been many similar cases. Thoughts without my will pop up and created a compulsion that I do not want to obey. at that moment, new thoughts pop up without my will, that are about not to obey the compulsion anymore. and then, I get relieved because I am free to disobey the compulsion and I am getting confused cause I can't confirm if the second thoughts without my will that force me to disobey the compulsion are 100% thoughts without my will. I have told myself many times, if a compulsion is created, to force myself and never allow my mind to make new thoughts without my will that will trap me later.
The last 3 months, thoughts without my will pop up and created a compulsion and then, for a second, there is a chance, I allow some new thoughts without my will in my head, that are forcing me to disobey compulsion and somehow this relieves me and later, worries me cause it maybe looks like as if they are not 100% thoughts without my will but I think they are 100% thoughts without my will.
what if the same thing happened about the video compulsion? I do not remember. why I ended up trying to find the video? maybe in order to make sure I wont watch it in the future? maybe that means the thoughts without my will were very scary?
I cant believe and I cant understand that I always fall in the same trap of my ocd, the last 3 months. I have been telling myself the last 3months, after overanalyzing a compulsion, stuff like "they were thoughts without my will, I did not make a promise but I will make sure in the next ocd case, not to play its game and not to fall in the same trap" and in the last 3 months, I fell in the same trap many times and I always end up confused and wondering if the thoughts without my will, for a second, were thoughts with my will.
the last month, I am having scarier thoughts without my will that are making the compulsions stronger. I was able to fight other compulsions that happened in the last 3 months, because the thoughts without my will that created them were not so strong or so scary. but what if the thoughts without my will that created the video compulsion, were strong and scary? and maybe that is the reason I was making sure to remember the video to avoid clicking it in the future.
I do not know why I worry so much. I am ill and I have asked God to protect me from these confusing stuff and never to accept promises, no matter what. I am supposed to just say to myself that no matter how strong or scary the thoughts without my will were, that they were just ocd and I should not analyze them but ocd finds a way to bug me like
ocd: what if you made an exception about that compulsion and maybe for a second, you meant the scary thoughts without your will.
ocd is making hypothesis and is telling me
ocd: maybe the reason you were maybe trying to make yourself to remember the compulsion, was because they are chances that the thoughts without your will that created the compulsion, were really thoughts with your will, for a second, so it is was no longer a compulsion but maybe a real promise to God.
I do not remember how strong or scary the thoughts without my will were or if they were 100% thoughts without my will. it was about not watching a specific dialogue from a youtube video. when the compulsion was created, I closed the video I was watching but for some reason, I was trying to find out which video it was. why I was searching which video it was? I do not remember. I remember saying to myself stuff like "oh now I have to find the video" but I do not remember if it was an other compulsion or if I was trying to find the video in order to make sure to remember not to click it in the future.
I accidentally, saw some seconds of that scene from that video on youtube and I am worried.
I have told God many times, no matter what, never to accept promises and to protect me from these worries and traps of my ocd.
I try not even think the word promise and now, I ended up worrying if I made an accidental promise?
I worried a lot the last 3 months to the point, that I was overpraying and being so anxious and dizzy from the ocd.
The last 3 months, there have been many similar cases. Thoughts without my will pop up and created a compulsion that I do not want to obey. at that moment, new thoughts pop up without my will, that are about not to obey the compulsion anymore. and then, I get relieved because I am free to disobey the compulsion and I am getting confused cause I can't confirm if the second thoughts without my will that force me to disobey the compulsion are 100% thoughts without my will. I have told myself many times, if a compulsion is created, to force myself and never allow my mind to make new thoughts without my will that will trap me later.
The last 3 months, thoughts without my will pop up and created a compulsion and then, for a second, there is a chance, I allow some new thoughts without my will in my head, that are forcing me to disobey compulsion and somehow this relieves me and later, worries me cause it maybe looks like as if they are not 100% thoughts without my will but I think they are 100% thoughts without my will.
what if the same thing happened about the video compulsion? I do not remember. why I ended up trying to find the video? maybe in order to make sure I wont watch it in the future? maybe that means the thoughts without my will were very scary?
I cant believe and I cant understand that I always fall in the same trap of my ocd, the last 3 months. I have been telling myself the last 3months, after overanalyzing a compulsion, stuff like "they were thoughts without my will, I did not make a promise but I will make sure in the next ocd case, not to play its game and not to fall in the same trap" and in the last 3 months, I fell in the same trap many times and I always end up confused and wondering if the thoughts without my will, for a second, were thoughts with my will.
the last month, I am having scarier thoughts without my will that are making the compulsions stronger. I was able to fight other compulsions that happened in the last 3 months, because the thoughts without my will that created them were not so strong or so scary. but what if the thoughts without my will that created the video compulsion, were strong and scary? and maybe that is the reason I was making sure to remember the video to avoid clicking it in the future.
I do not know why I worry so much. I am ill and I have asked God to protect me from these confusing stuff and never to accept promises, no matter what. I am supposed to just say to myself that no matter how strong or scary the thoughts without my will were, that they were just ocd and I should not analyze them but ocd finds a way to bug me like
ocd: what if you made an exception about that compulsion and maybe for a second, you meant the scary thoughts without your will.
