I want to die

[azariah1982]

For years I been gay. I know its wrong I don't justify it. Icaught HIV and became very ill.
I lost of my legs. The HIV got into my spine. I lost everything.

I am tired of living. I hate who I am. I hate myself. I ask God to take me. I tell Him
"Please don't wake up today". Please let me die.

I have a niece who is four years old and she only knows me as the one that's still at the doctors.

I been in a nursing home for too long. I'm in my early 30's.

I can't control my bowels oR urine.

The HIV. Meds are taxing my body. I don't agree with traditional meds cause its just
Duck tape holding a hinge.

I just want God to take me. Though at the same time I don't want to die young or hurt
my little niece. Or any of my friends or family. I do wanna walk again. I have zero energy at times.

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

MOD HAT ON

This thread has been moved to the Depression Forum

MOD HAT OFF
​

 

[Osage Bluestem]

Praying for you.

 

[azariah1982]

Thank you so much.

 

[cam44]

For years I been gay. I know its wrong I don't justify it. Icaught HIV and became very ill.
I lost of my legs. The HIV got into my spine. I lost everything.

I am tired of living. I hate who I am. I hate myself. I ask God to take me. I tell Him
"Please don't wake up today". Please let me die.

I have a niece who is four years old and she only knows me as the one that's still at the doctors.

I been in a nursing home for too long. I'm in my early 30's.

I can't control my bowels oR urine.

The HIV. Meds are taxing my body. I don't agree with traditional meds cause its just
Duck tape holding a hinge.

I just want God to take me. Though at the same time I don't want to die young or hurt
my little niece. Or any of my friends or family. I do wanna walk again. I have zero energy at times.

I pray there is a cure for your illness and you are healed.
I am saddened by your situation and am with you in spirit brother.

If you are not healed and pass away I pray for your salvation and that you can 'walk again' and be reunited with your family in the hereafter.
God Bless.

 

[Woven]

Firstly, I want to say thanks for coming here to share what you're going through. It's not always easy to talk about such painful things.

You say you know that it's wrong so I'm not going to dwell on that part of your post. What I do want to say is that God loves you, and He feels every bit of your pain and sadness. You know better than most how we sometimes have to live with the consequences of bad choices, but one of the most wonderful things about God is that he doesn't hold us to our pasts, even if it was just yesterday. He has already paid the price on the cross so that you can live in freedom. If you've repented then you're not shackled to your past.

Reading your post reminded me of the Samaritan woman Jesus met at the well. She is weathered and worn and empty from a lifetime of sowing wild oats. She's had 5 husbands and the man she's living with isn't her husband. She comes at noon, the hottest hour of the day, so she can avoid the scorn and accusing stares of other women. Her thirst for love and happiness has led her to make some poor choices. She comes to the well with an empty water jar which is a telling symbol of her life. It's here that she meets the Savior who sees her past, every poor choice, every failure, and still responds with love. He offers her living water, which is not something to be earned or a prize to be won. It's a gift to be received. You see, he didn't need to give her a lecture on her sins and wasted life. The power of God's love and the peace coming from His acceptance are far more capable of changing the human heart than condemnation and rejection.

Read scriptures on deliverance and God's truth about who you are in Christ. You are not the sum of your past mistakes. I pray that you will be able to see yourself through the eyes of the Savior. I'm also praying for your complete healing, because the God who saves is also a God who heals.

 

[cam44]

Firstly, I want to say thanks for coming here to share what you're going through. It's not always easy to talk about such painful things.

You say you know that it's wrong so I'm not going to dwell on that part of your post. What I do want to say is that God loves you, and He feels every bit of your pain and sadness. You know better than most how we sometimes have to live with the consequences of bad choices, but one of the most wonderful things about God is that he doesn't hold us to our pasts, even if it was just yesterday. He has already paid the price on the cross so that you can live in freedom. If you've repented then you're not shackled to your past.

Reading your post reminded me of the Samaritan woman Jesus met at the well. She is weathered and worn and empty from a lifetime of sowing wild oats. She's had 5 husbands and the man she's living with isn't her husband. She comes at noon, the hottest hour of the day, so she can avoid the scorn and accusing stares of other women. Her thirst for love and happiness has led her to make some poor choices. She comes to the well with an empty water jar which is a telling symbol of her life. It's here that she meets the Savior who sees her past, every poor choice, every failure, and still responds with love. He offers her living water, which is not something to be earned or a prize to be won. It's a gift to be received. You see, he didn't need to give her a lecture on her sins and wasted life. The power of God's love and the peace coming from His acceptance are far more capable of changing the human heart than condemnation and rejection.

Read scriptures on deliverance and God's truth about who you are in Christ. You are not the sum of your past mistakes. I pray that you will be able to see yourself through the eyes of the Savior. I'm also praying for your complete healing, because the God who saves is also a God who heals.

Thank you for reposting this story -- it was good for me to read today!

 

[azariah1982]

Thanks cam44 and woven.
I am saved

I have a very touching story I want to share with people. Iwant to write a book one day.
Actually several. I've had many supernatural experiences in my life. E.g. out of body experiences.

Also I want to speak to young kids about the dangers of sexual promiscuity. . Not just the risk of disease but demonic oppression or demonic possession because it happened to me. I know both physical and spiritual downfall of sex.

I know I'm here for a reason. I need to somehow forgive myself.

 

[Winter]

Dear Azariah,

During times of great suffering it is always helpful to align our pain with Christ. I was just reading about the lives of St. Francis, Padre Pio, and Sister Faustina. They endured tremendous suffering but received strength to endure each difficult day with Jesus. Very powerful and inspiring stories.

Another great read I can't emphasize enough is On The Passion of Christ by 14th century monk, Thomas a Kempis. The book is written for those who are suffering and enduring great trials. It provides great comfort and wisdom.

On the Passion of Christ: According to the Four Evangelists : Prayers and Meditations: Thomas a Kempis, Joseph N. Tylenda: 9780898709933: Amazon.com: Books

You're story touched me. I'm praying for you.

 

[Apologetic_Warrior]

For years I been gay. I know its wrong I don't justify it. Icaught HIV and became very ill.
I lost of my legs. The HIV got into my spine. I lost everything.

I am tired of living. I hate who I am. I hate myself. I ask God to take me. I tell Him
"Please don't wake up today". Please let me die.

I have a niece who is four years old and she only knows me as the one that's still at the doctors.

I been in a nursing home for too long. I'm in my early 30's.

I can't control my bowels oR urine.

The HIV. Meds are taxing my body. I don't agree with traditional meds cause its just
Duck tape holding a hinge.

I just want God to take me. Though at the same time I don't want to die young or hurt
my little niece. Or any of my friends or family. I do wanna walk again. I have zero energy at times.

If it's any comfort, just like to remind, you are not alone, countless people suffering throughout the world every day. Be that as it may, God accomplishes His will through suffering too, such as softening people's hearts, like mine. It hurts me to learn about, to know, or become aware of such suffering and pain...brings tears to my eyes...but this is good for the emotional part of me which has seen better days.

Praying for you brother!

 

[RuthD]

I am praying for you brother. Why don't you try traditional medicine. There are many drugs that can make you feel better. Just sayin.

 

[knw1991]

im praying for you

 

[azariah1982]

Thank you.

 

[knw1991]

Thank you.

you're welcome. God loves you

 

[Okano]

For years I been gay. I know its wrong I don't justify it. Icaught HIV and became very ill.
I lost of my legs. The HIV got into my spine. I lost everything.

I am tired of living. I hate who I am. I hate myself. I ask God to take me. I tell Him
"Please don't wake up today". Please let me die.

I have a niece who is four years old and she only knows me as the one that's still at the doctors.

I been in a nursing home for too long. I'm in my early 30's.

I can't control my bowels oR urine.

The HIV. Meds are taxing my body. I don't agree with traditional meds cause its just
Duck tape holding a hinge.

I just want God to take me. Though at the same time I don't want to die young or hurt
my little niece. Or any of my friends or family. I do wanna walk again. I have zero energy at times.

I love you friend. I truly understand how you are feeling and I will pray for you.

 

[selfintercession]

You're truly in my thoughts

 

[GreatSpeckledBird]

My dear brother in Christ, I suffer great emotion turmoil daily and struggle with living each day. I have to pray through most days to go on. I will remember your pain when I am struggling with mine, like I do the persecuted Christians who are in bonds and being tortured for Christ. Remember, our Savior suffered & we have to suffer in this life too. When Lazarus was comforted in the bosom of Abraham, Jesus stated that he had received evil things in this life but was comforted in the next. If we put all our faith in Christ & cling to the hem of his garment, maybe we can both find strength to endure this world until the day the Lord calls us to be with him and no sooner.

I will ask God to help you. PLease pray for me too, that I endure.

God bless

 

[azariah1982]

Thank you what is it that u suffer from.btw what does the blessings on this site mean.

 

[GreatSpeckledBird]

i'm new too so i don't know what these blessings are. i read at the welcome center some explanations but it didn't really make sense to me there so i just dropped it for now.

I suffer from severe anxiety & depression and failing physical health. I also have serious family issues that exacerbate the problems.

I've had guilt issues too but think I'm getting some headway on that after all these years. When I came to understand the function of grace and it's power over sin in my life I began to be able to forgive myself for the things I did before I was a Christian & even things I've done since I came to faith in Christ. We are all hopeless sinners apart from God's grace so we may as well let Christ save us and not beat ourselves up about our past. He died so we wouldn't have to do that. We know we're so despicable He shouldn't forgive us, but God's love is so great, Christ died for us.

In our despair, lets hang onto life for Christs sake. He'll take us home when He's ready. He died for us, we can live for Him by His grace alone. I can't keep living if He doesn't give me the grace to do it. So I have to pray for God to give me the grace to go on thru each temptation. I'm going to pray for God's grace to be given to you too, for the power to endure the suffering until it's time for you to depart & be with Jesus. I'm speaking boldly this morning but yesterday I was sure I wasn't going to make it. But I'm still here so I made it another day. If I can keep doing that I may make it til the end. I had counted the days I might have to endure once but lost track of counting backwards. Besides, how do I know how many days I really have left? Counting days isn't healthy or helpful, I can't recommend it as anything helpful at all.

God bless

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

You are in my prayers, dear brother in Christ. Please know and understand (I realize you know it intellectually, but I'm hoping you can feel it too) that Jesus Christ has forgiven every sin you have ever committed. He loves you. Nothing you can ever do will make Him not love you.