- Dec 21, 2018
- 2
- 6
- 27
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Catholic
- Marital Status
- Single
Hi brothers and sisters, I joined today because I've found that I've been struggling with myself and perhaps even more importantly, my faith. I think I'm in desperate need of some guidance and prayer.
Lately, I haven't felt a very great connection to God, it's almost like the light in my heart has burned out. God seems like He's faded away, like I can't find Him anymore. I don't know how it even feels really, it's so confusing. God has always been there for me and He's always been in my life, being born into Catholicism.
So... for some context to all of this, I'm a 19 year old male, watched inappropriate content a few times because friends showed me but it was never my thing, couldn't get into it. I committed masturbation a few times when I was young and didn't know better and I was in a relationship with a woman (Also Catholic) since our freshman year of high school. We went to church together every Sunday, our families loved each other and us and things were going seemingly well. We even talked of marriage, so I proposed to her a few months later and we became engaged. I will admit, and I am ashamed in saying so, she wanted to become sexual with me before we could marry, despite our wedding plans going smoothly and quickly. She just couldn't wait.
To make a long story short, I did it and it didn't go like it should have. I couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get aroused. We were both embarrassed and she's talked to me about it, but all I said was that I just couldn't have sex with her before we got married.
So, I should mention that about a year before this, I came across yaoi. I became obsessed with it, and read and watched regularly every day, yaoi consumed me. I am ashamed to say that I masturbated more than I have ever had in my life, I'd lost count. I had never masturbated so much as 15 times as a teenager, but once I found yaoi it's like I just... stopped caring. I couldn't get even a little bit aroused for my fiance, but for some reason yaoi did it for me. I touch to yaoi at least 5 times a day.
Don't get me wrong, I had never really had any real stance on homosexuals because I never thought about it, it was like they just didn't exist. I have never met a homosexual as far as I am aware.
I just ignored the guilt I felt from not being able to get aroused with my fiance.
She found out just 4 months after my failure to get aroused with her, by going onto my laptop and seeing what I'd been doing because she suspected that I was cheating and watching inappropriate content.
Needless to say, she completely broke down because of it. I'd never seen her cry so much, she was in a pain I had never seen in her.
She said all kinds of things to me, saying I was a queer and a homo despite me never showing interest in men before. She said she saw me look at men before (I don't remember ever doing that) but thought nothing of it until now, and I haven't spoken with her personally since, I have tried but she refuses to speak with me no matter how hard I try to explain that she's wrong. She's been posting all sorts of things about homosexual men, and telling everyone, even our church and my family that I am homosexual and that I read/watch homosexual inappropriate content. I just told everyone that she's just lying about me because she's upset that I broke up with her, and they believe me. At least I think they do.
The things she said made me really start thinking, like what if I am a homosexual? I tried to watch real life homosexual inappropriate content and I couldn't help but get aroused, even though it wasn't yaoi. I thought that it was just yaoi making me feel that way, not anything else until that moment. I felt so ashamed upon that realization that I really don't have any words to say about it right now other than the fact that I was so ashamed.
My lust didn't end there, as I had decided to make an account with a homosexual dating website. I talked and flirted with a few men, and even exchanged photos. I masturbated to them, and my lust consumed me so much that I had decided to meet one of them. We had sexual intercourse and I even enjoyed it! I couldn't believe it.
I feel so wrong, so consumed by sin that I can't even think straight sometimes.
My thoughts almost always turn homosexual, and it's hard not to act on those impulses.
I often find myself just wanting to give in completely, just stop caring about my faith and just surround myself with my desires.
I almost feel like it's already too late for me, like there's nothing that can be done at this point, I'm so far in, why not just keep going?
Please pray for me. Things feel darker, and I'm scared that my family will eventually figure it out.
Lately, I haven't felt a very great connection to God, it's almost like the light in my heart has burned out. God seems like He's faded away, like I can't find Him anymore. I don't know how it even feels really, it's so confusing. God has always been there for me and He's always been in my life, being born into Catholicism.
So... for some context to all of this, I'm a 19 year old male, watched inappropriate content a few times because friends showed me but it was never my thing, couldn't get into it. I committed masturbation a few times when I was young and didn't know better and I was in a relationship with a woman (Also Catholic) since our freshman year of high school. We went to church together every Sunday, our families loved each other and us and things were going seemingly well. We even talked of marriage, so I proposed to her a few months later and we became engaged. I will admit, and I am ashamed in saying so, she wanted to become sexual with me before we could marry, despite our wedding plans going smoothly and quickly. She just couldn't wait.
To make a long story short, I did it and it didn't go like it should have. I couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get aroused. We were both embarrassed and she's talked to me about it, but all I said was that I just couldn't have sex with her before we got married.
So, I should mention that about a year before this, I came across yaoi. I became obsessed with it, and read and watched regularly every day, yaoi consumed me. I am ashamed to say that I masturbated more than I have ever had in my life, I'd lost count. I had never masturbated so much as 15 times as a teenager, but once I found yaoi it's like I just... stopped caring. I couldn't get even a little bit aroused for my fiance, but for some reason yaoi did it for me. I touch to yaoi at least 5 times a day.
Don't get me wrong, I had never really had any real stance on homosexuals because I never thought about it, it was like they just didn't exist. I have never met a homosexual as far as I am aware.
I just ignored the guilt I felt from not being able to get aroused with my fiance.
She found out just 4 months after my failure to get aroused with her, by going onto my laptop and seeing what I'd been doing because she suspected that I was cheating and watching inappropriate content.
Needless to say, she completely broke down because of it. I'd never seen her cry so much, she was in a pain I had never seen in her.
She said all kinds of things to me, saying I was a queer and a homo despite me never showing interest in men before. She said she saw me look at men before (I don't remember ever doing that) but thought nothing of it until now, and I haven't spoken with her personally since, I have tried but she refuses to speak with me no matter how hard I try to explain that she's wrong. She's been posting all sorts of things about homosexual men, and telling everyone, even our church and my family that I am homosexual and that I read/watch homosexual inappropriate content. I just told everyone that she's just lying about me because she's upset that I broke up with her, and they believe me. At least I think they do.
The things she said made me really start thinking, like what if I am a homosexual? I tried to watch real life homosexual inappropriate content and I couldn't help but get aroused, even though it wasn't yaoi. I thought that it was just yaoi making me feel that way, not anything else until that moment. I felt so ashamed upon that realization that I really don't have any words to say about it right now other than the fact that I was so ashamed.
My lust didn't end there, as I had decided to make an account with a homosexual dating website. I talked and flirted with a few men, and even exchanged photos. I masturbated to them, and my lust consumed me so much that I had decided to meet one of them. We had sexual intercourse and I even enjoyed it! I couldn't believe it.
I feel so wrong, so consumed by sin that I can't even think straight sometimes.
My thoughts almost always turn homosexual, and it's hard not to act on those impulses.
I often find myself just wanting to give in completely, just stop caring about my faith and just surround myself with my desires.
I almost feel like it's already too late for me, like there's nothing that can be done at this point, I'm so far in, why not just keep going?
Please pray for me. Things feel darker, and I'm scared that my family will eventually figure it out.