I think I might be a homosexual, and I'm scared.

[Greggory]

Hi brothers and sisters, I joined today because I've found that I've been struggling with myself and perhaps even more importantly, my faith. I think I'm in desperate need of some guidance and prayer.

Lately, I haven't felt a very great connection to God, it's almost like the light in my heart has burned out. God seems like He's faded away, like I can't find Him anymore. I don't know how it even feels really, it's so confusing. God has always been there for me and He's always been in my life, being born into Catholicism.

So... for some context to all of this, I'm a 19 year old male, watched inappropriate content a few times because friends showed me but it was never my thing, couldn't get into it. I committed masturbation a few times when I was young and didn't know better and I was in a relationship with a woman (Also Catholic) since our freshman year of high school. We went to church together every Sunday, our families loved each other and us and things were going seemingly well. We even talked of marriage, so I proposed to her a few months later and we became engaged. I will admit, and I am ashamed in saying so, she wanted to become sexual with me before we could marry, despite our wedding plans going smoothly and quickly. She just couldn't wait.
To make a long story short, I did it and it didn't go like it should have. I couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get aroused. We were both embarrassed and she's talked to me about it, but all I said was that I just couldn't have sex with her before we got married.

So, I should mention that about a year before this, I came across yaoi. I became obsessed with it, and read and watched regularly every day, yaoi consumed me. I am ashamed to say that I masturbated more than I have ever had in my life, I'd lost count. I had never masturbated so much as 15 times as a teenager, but once I found yaoi it's like I just... stopped caring. I couldn't get even a little bit aroused for my fiance, but for some reason yaoi did it for me. I touch to yaoi at least 5 times a day.
Don't get me wrong, I had never really had any real stance on homosexuals because I never thought about it, it was like they just didn't exist. I have never met a homosexual as far as I am aware.
I just ignored the guilt I felt from not being able to get aroused with my fiance.

She found out just 4 months after my failure to get aroused with her, by going onto my laptop and seeing what I'd been doing because she suspected that I was cheating and watching inappropriate content.
Needless to say, she completely broke down because of it. I'd never seen her cry so much, she was in a pain I had never seen in her.
She said all kinds of things to me, saying I was a queer and a homo despite me never showing interest in men before. She said she saw me look at men before (I don't remember ever doing that) but thought nothing of it until now, and I haven't spoken with her personally since, I have tried but she refuses to speak with me no matter how hard I try to explain that she's wrong. She's been posting all sorts of things about homosexual men, and telling everyone, even our church and my family that I am homosexual and that I read/watch homosexual inappropriate content. I just told everyone that she's just lying about me because she's upset that I broke up with her, and they believe me. At least I think they do.

The things she said made me really start thinking, like what if I am a homosexual? I tried to watch real life homosexual inappropriate content and I couldn't help but get aroused, even though it wasn't yaoi. I thought that it was just yaoi making me feel that way, not anything else until that moment. I felt so ashamed upon that realization that I really don't have any words to say about it right now other than the fact that I was so ashamed.
My lust didn't end there, as I had decided to make an account with a homosexual dating website. I talked and flirted with a few men, and even exchanged photos. I masturbated to them, and my lust consumed me so much that I had decided to meet one of them. We had sexual intercourse and I even enjoyed it! I couldn't believe it.

I feel so wrong, so consumed by sin that I can't even think straight sometimes.
My thoughts almost always turn homosexual, and it's hard not to act on those impulses.
I often find myself just wanting to give in completely, just stop caring about my faith and just surround myself with my desires.
I almost feel like it's already too late for me, like there's nothing that can be done at this point, I'm so far in, why not just keep going?

Please pray for me. Things feel darker, and I'm scared that my family will eventually figure it out.

 

[Southernscotty]

Listen Friend stop inappropriate content completely and get it out of your life. Instal inappropriate content blockers on your computer and put up the bible. The Word will nourish you and help you get your mind straightened out.
You have opened doorways in your mind to all sorts of evil and inappropriate content is a monster that never gets enough. Stop now and get on your knees and repent.
God is just and forgiving and will forgive you. I am praying for you right now.

 

[SleepingAtLast]

Greggory, I really appreciate you joining and sharing your story. I know that what you are going through has to be difficult, and that especially nowadays it's confusing to know what is right and what isn't. I do just want you to know that nothing you have shared makes you any less of a person, and that it really takes courage to share about these struggles in any capacity. I will definitely be praying for you. At the beginning of your post you had said you were seeking some guidance as well, and so what I shared below is more in that vein, but if you aren't really looking for input from people, feel totally free to skip over it. I won't be offended in the least.

First of all, I just wanted to say that whether your struggles were heterosexual or homosexual, your behavior with yaoi especially, and the way your sexual activity has continued to cross other boundaries seems to indicate that you could be dealing with sex addiction, and for that I would say that you would be helped tremendously if you could get yourself plugged into a 12-step group. In my experience with them, there are men involved who were both heterosexual and homosexual, but it would help you move toward a place where you are living a sexually healthy life rather than reacting to impulses. It won't give you guidance about the homosexuality side of things, which is good I think. It will just help give you guidance about what healthy sexuality looks and give you room to deal with the homosexual side of things on your own. I can say with certainty that viewing yaoi is something you will want to address as it isn't that much different than viewing inappropriate content in terms of the affects it has on you sexually, mentally, etc.

I also just wanted to point out that what your ex-girlfriend did was wrong. It is true that what you did was hurtful toward her, but your struggles are yours to share, and going to your family and people at church about it was wrong.

Regarding the homosexuality aspect of this, I know that it is probably a somewhat frightening thing to consider, but based on everything you said I think it is time for you to admit and come to terms with the fact that you are same-sex attracted. Within Catholicism and Christianity, there are a lot of awful things that have been said and communicated in regards to homosexuality, but I want you to know first and foremost that being same-sex attracted in no way makes you less of a person, nor does it mean that God loves you any less. His love for you is constant and your worth in His eyes is impassable. As far as what this means for you going forward, I would just say that there are a lot of sources from which you are going hear or read that living a homosexual lifestyle is biblical and approved of by God, but I don't believe those views are faithful to Scripture. Scripture is clear that homosexual sex, relationships, marriage, etc. are sinful and are desires we should be looking to kill rather than encourage.
I think the most important thing to remember here is that, if you have accepted Christ into your life and you look to Him as the atonement for your sin, your sin--past, present, and future--has been paid for, and so when we talk about obeying God in any capacity, whether it is with our sexuality or otherwise, we don't obey Him so that He will love or accept us, we obey Him out of the freedom and joy that He has given us by purchasing our salvation on the cross.
Something else that really helps me is to remember that God is the One Who created us, and so He is the One Who is best going to know and understand what gives us life and what takes it away, so when He tells us to live a certain way, He is telling us that for the sake of our good and for the sake of our joy.

As you continue to process these things that you are learning about yourself, a few people that you could read and listen to that I think would provide some solid, biblical guidance are Sam Alberry, Jackie Hill Perry, and Rosario Butterfield. They are also people who have struggled with same-sex attraction and have a lot of fantastic content to check out. And if you would like to chat any more about this at all, always feel free to send me a PM. While I have never struggled with same-sex attraction, I have struggled with sexual sin of my own and have seen God do a lot of work in my life as I have attempted to navigate these struggles as a single man.

All the best to you!

 

[salt-n-light]

First off im sorry that you're going through it, and that she was very cruel to you. Even if she was hurt, how she reacted God was not in her heart. At the same time, im not sure what you want out of this situation, other than to not have light shown in what you are doing.

Secondly, i know that what you found in this inappropriate content or lustful practicing is addictive, I have been there, but what is going to help you is not to give it permanence. Thoughts and feelings and emotions are so flux, but the route in which it gains permanence is two-fold. One, the thoughts become something habitual or familiar, in which then become a part of you, or an identity.When you start doing things that creates a sort of line of action, or plan, or forming habits this is where people start to claim an identity.

See I'm hearing the shame from it, the fear of being found out, but there's no sense that you are actually turning away from it. So until you desire that, whatever roots you've just put yourself in is only going to get stronger.

The second of the two-fold is that as your desires get bigger, your desires for the things of God will get smaller. Yes, you recognize that God is around, and maybe you have head knowledge of what you think you should be going away from, but have you talk with him? Do you get to know his thoughts and what he says about the route you are going? Do you even care? Because someone that is after someone else's heart would not ignore them, wouldn't neglect to communicate, and wouldn't dismiss them like that unless their heart was already in something else. So again, until you decide to actually want to follow Jesus, it will eventually fade.

This is the reality, no sugarcoating, that you are neglecting God's desires for your life in return of seeking out your desires for the things of this world. You are in a position right now, where you can still recognize this, and for that thank God. But if you keep going the route you are doing, if you keep giving it root and permanence, and deafen your ears and harden your heart, it will destroy you. It is a spiritual suicide that will tie you to this world until you face death. You fearing being caught should be the least of it. Fear the one that can destroy your body AND your soul.

So if you do desire to keep going, then that is your sure end, and no amount of advice can grant you salvation from that.

But if you do desire to turn from it, there is a way out, through Jesus. There is NOTHING impossible for Him, and many like myself have step out of it. It is NEVER too late, I've known many people who have been in it deeper, marriages, kids, the "perfect life" for decades, DECADES until they saw its end, and have come out. There are living testaments out there.

And that is also two-fold. Learn about what God wants for you and what your identity in Christ is and what that entails. And through that built relationship with God, He will give you the rightful desire that will help you overcome your flesh. The habits will start breaking, your thoughts will be renewed, and the cycle that you are in will fade.

Do not shame yourself that you have the ability to sin, to have sinful thoughts, everyone does while we are in this flesh, that ability will be there. I know churches and members have been wrongful by making hostile environments for people to share their worries and struggles or else alot of us would not feel as isolated as we do. But do know that how you go about it is important. Again, God does not force anyone to follow Him. What desire you choose to go after is ultimately up to you.