I really think I have let God down fully this time.

[Harley.]

Ok. So im going to get personal here, just a warning.

I started masturbating at the ripe age of 6-7, dunno why, I didnt even have a sex drive yet, it just felt good. So I did it. I was raised in a pretty non believing home, so I never was taught anything against it. As I aged, this addiction became more and more over bearing. I was a hard core atheist so I didnt care about it. When I got turned on, I would touch. Wouldnt even think about it. As I reached my late teens, I finally turned to Christ. Theres a long story there, that I wont get into. As such I started cleaning up my act. I stopped swearing, I stopped saying things like "god" as an exclamation, I got better control over my anger and my impulsivity. Ultimately Jesus was cleaning up a pretty dark and sinful person. I also noticed that things I used to do and move on from suddenly really effected me when I DID end up doing them. I felt this deep sorrow. Looking back, that was the spirit working in me. God definitely was working his magic in me and I was in a much better place. Fast forward to now, there is one thing I still cant let go. Lust. I have built such an addiction, such a habit, that no matter what I do, I am powerless to it. Helpless to my sin. My life looks like this.

Sin

Repent

Sin again 2 days later

over and over and over again. Its a cycle and its been going on for years. I just fell again a few minutes ago. And for some reason this one feels way darker then the last however many times. This feels like ive become what Hebrews 10:26 is talking about

"For if we sin wilfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins,"

I think I may have just sinned one too many times. Given in one too many times. The issue is I WANT to stop. Lord knows I want to stop. But I can't. I really think ive failed the race. I was too weak.

I'm sorry Father...

 

[tdidymas]

Ok. So im going to get personal here, just a warning.

I started masturbating at the ripe age of 6-7, dunno why, I didnt even have a sex drive yet, it just felt good. So I did it. I was raised in a pretty non believing home, so I never was taught anything against it. As I aged, this addiction became more and more over bearing. I was a hard core atheist so I didnt care about it. When I got turned on, I would touch. Wouldnt even think about it. As I reached my late teens, I finally turned to Christ. Theres a long story there, that I wont get into. As such I started cleaning up my act. I stopped swearing, I stopped saying things like "god" as an exclamation, I got better control over my anger and my impulsivity. Ultimately Jesus was cleaning up a pretty dark and sinful person. I also noticed that things I used to do and move on from suddenly really effected me when I DID end up doing them. I felt this deep sorrow. Looking back, that was the spirit working in me. God definitely was working his magic in me and I was in a much better place. Fast forward to now, there is one thing I still cant let go. Lust. I have built such an addiction, such a habit, that no matter what I do, I am powerless to it. Helpless to my sin. My life looks like this.

Sin

Repent

Sin again 2 days later

over and over and over again. Its a cycle and its been going on for years. I just fell again a few minutes ago. And for some reason this one feels way darker then the last however many times. This feels like ive become what Hebrews 10:26 is talking about

"For if we sin wilfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins,"

I think I may have just sinned one too many times. Given in one too many times. The issue is I WANT to stop. Lord knows I want to stop. But I can't. I really think ive failed the race. I was too weak.

I'm sorry Father...

1. That verse (Heb. 10:26) in context means that if we reject the gospel about Jesus bearing our sins on the cross, there is no other sacrifice that can atone, or reconcile us to God. So then, resisting temptation is not the "sacrifice" this verse is talking about. I recommend to "get up" your faith in Jesus every day, and especially when you fail. Prov. 24:16 says "though the righteous fall seven times, he (she) rises again..." Be in the Christian walk for the long haul. 1 John 1:8-9 and Rom. 8:1.

2. The Christian life includes learning to practice the awareness of God's presence. He said, "I will never leave you..." so that means since Jesus is our atoning sacrifice, God is with is at all times. Practicing the awareness of God's presence for us daily will help us mature in the faith and empower us to resist temptations. We are in a spiritual war, which is what Eph. 6:10-18 is about.

 

[NBB]

if you are trying to follow Jesus, you didn't do anything of that, even if you fall, and stop living the christian life, a lot of people have come back to God after falling away some time.
We need to pray with consistency and determination to get rid of hard to quit stuff, some day this is going to break, God is going to help. Have the hopes up.

 

[NBB]

Don't waste time thinking you are condemned, just a tactic of the liar to waste even years of you life until you realize God is always there with open arms, and you were not in that bad of a position.

 

[markbrewer]

i don't think that what you've described is "sinning willfully". you have a stronghold in your life, in your mind and it needs to be pulled down.

now, i wish i could tell you exactly how to do that in practical terms but i can't. but the Lord has NOT given up on you. satan wants you to think that, but it's not true.

i believe you will get the victory over this at some point - just don't give up praying.

 

[Harley.]

i don't think that what you've described is "sinning willfully". you have a stronghold in your life, in your mind and it needs to be pulled down.

now, i wish i could tell you exactly how to do that in practical terms but i can't. but the Lord has NOT given up on you. satan wants you to think that, but it's not true.

i believe you will get the victory over this at some point - just don't give up praying.

I wrote this post in a very dark place last Thursday. Since then I have found a spike of determination unlike anything ive ever experienced, so I think I may be on the right track! I think that little moment in the dark is exactly what I needed to see what sin is doing to me.

 

[enoob57]

Ok. So im going to get personal here, just a warning.

I started masturbating at the ripe age of 6-7, dunno why, I didnt even have a sex drive yet, it just felt good. So I did it. I was raised in a pretty non believing home, so I never was taught anything against it. As I aged, this addiction became more and more over bearing. I was a hard core atheist so I didnt care about it. When I got turned on, I would touch. Wouldnt even think about it. As I reached my late teens, I finally turned to Christ. Theres a long story there, that I wont get into. As such I started cleaning up my act. I stopped swearing, I stopped saying things like "god" as an exclamation, I got better control over my anger and my impulsivity. Ultimately Jesus was cleaning up a pretty dark and sinful person. I also noticed that things I used to do and move on from suddenly really effected me when I DID end up doing them. I felt this deep sorrow. Looking back, that was the spirit working in me. God definitely was working his magic in me and I was in a much better place. Fast forward to now, there is one thing I still cant let go. Lust. I have built such an addiction, such a habit, that no matter what I do, I am powerless to it. Helpless to my sin. My life looks like this.

Sin

Repent

Sin again 2 days later

over and over and over again. Its a cycle and its been going on for years. I just fell again a few minutes ago. And for some reason this one feels way darker then the last however many times. This feels like ive become what Hebrews 10:26 is talking about

"For if we sin wilfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins,"

I think I may have just sinned one too many times. Given in one too many times. The issue is I WANT to stop. Lord knows I want to stop. But I can't. I really think ive failed the race. I was too weak.

I'm sorry Father...

Loved one do you wish to love God back?