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I really need someone I can talk to

Discussion in 'General Struggles' started by laurabeams, Oct 3, 2002.

  1. laurabeams

    laurabeams New Member

    Hi... I have been searching for the right forum or chatroom for over an hour and none work for me.. I'm trying this one and then giving up.


    I'm 22. I'm an American and living with my Dutch husband in the Netherlands. in November we lost our first baby due to miscarriage and finally we were blessed with another child. I'm due May 1st 2003.

    So that is my background I guess.

    I have been in and out of my church at home since I was 3 or 4 yrs old. My entire side of my dad's family is very very religious and practically live at the church and when they aren't there they act like they are. It made me rebell once I was in Jr high and same for high school. I always loved being at church and the life that is lived when devoting your life entirely to God. I just felt pressured and that it possibly was never my own decision and so I pushed myself out.

    My brother used to be the same as me.. but once he rebelled.. he never went back.. he had a ton of Christian music and he was going to throw it away and I begged him to let me keep it since music is my life. No matter how my dad is going, music can make it all better again. I've loved Michael W. Smith since that first day I heard him back when I was about 7 or 8 yrs old.

    So I finally had a reason to get back into my church life. My husband had proposed to me and we really wanted a nice wedding and for my dad's family to help financially. They made one condition... that the pastor from their church had to do the ceremony. No big deal right? Well in order for that to happen you have to be a member of the church for a steady 3+ months. So I had to go again.. and to sunday school. I actually very much enjoyed being back.

    My brother has 4 kids and 1 being born next week. He's only 25. I've been helping him raise those kids since day one of Jan 16 1995 when the best thing in my life was born. Brittney. She's 7 now and my best friend. Sadly living so far away, I don't see any of my family much. We are moving back to the USA this summer though. So I'd always make sure I brought 1 or more of the kids to church with me and they loved every second of it too. It enabled me to get closer to my family again.

    So October 6, 2001 I was married to the love of my life, Peter. He was raised Catholic and like me, rebelled against that life. He has never had second thoughts. He respects my wishes to be involved in church which is nice. He also agreed that if I want my kids to be raised in church, that is fine as well.. the hitch is that he gets to tell them why he thinks everything is false in order to give them both points of view.. I guess I'm ok with that. I know Christians are always challenged in that way...

    So my big problem here.. I really haven't thought much about church till the last few days. I keep missing that life that I had before... the love I felt. I have doubted the Bible just as much as the next guy has but I know deep down that it's true and the right way to life. I really do want to follow it. I feel so guilty all of the time for pushing it away!

    So I still love my Michael W Smith and Amy Grant and just now.. my winamp which is on random played "I will be here for you" and I just got chills. I get these feelings when I hear a song like that or when someone says something about God and I'm agreeing that it's all a big load of bull on the outside.. but on the inside I am saying to myself.. this isn't right.. I'm lying.. God IS the way...I know what is true yet I push it away.

    I have these moments where I feel God in the room with me. Some people would just laugh about this but I really do.. and it's mostly when I'm thinking about how wrong I am being.. and I know that He is just THERE for me.. listening and reminding me that I know the truth... I just want to embrace that so much.. and I can't.

    I thought of talking to my family about it but for me to sort this out, I need to talk to people who are unbiased about me. It's all rather embarrassing for me as well to have to run back to them crying about how they were right and I was wrong. My grandparents would probably say something to push me back out the door again.. same with my dad. My step mom is the only one I think who would just hold me and say she understands. Any friend of mine would just laugh.

    I don't know HOW I know what is the truth and what isn't. I don't have an evidence to back anything I've known up.. but I just know. Is that how it is for you all as well?

    My biggest regret was leaving my bible at home when I moved..

    So I don't know if you all think I'm nuts or whatnot.. I just really need some answers and reassurrance...

    Please reply here or email me?


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  2. TheBear

    TheBear Free Agent

    Hi, Laura. :wave:

    It sounds like God is tugging at your heart, to come back into the fellowship with Him. :)

    Try to get in touch with local Christian fellowships. The internet is a wonderful tool, and a way to 'cyber-meet' people. But, nothing can replace good heart-felt, face to face exchanges.

    Don't worry about leaving your Bible at home. I would think there are book stores and churches where you can pick up a new one. ;)

    I will keep you in my prayers. :pray:

  3. Stormy

    Stormy Senior Contributor

    laurabeams: Hi sister. :) We are strangers but you seem so close to me. Our hearts are the same. When God chooses you there is no denying him. You will find the peace and happiness you seek when you quit trying to please the world. Faith is a gift from God. You should cherish it.
    Christians carry the Spirit of God within their souls. There may be times during our life when we do not stay true to our Faith : but God stays with us... Waiting and calling us to come back. His arms remain open, all you need do is turn to him.


    The point is that you do know the truth.

    I have noticed in your post that you seem to be turning from God as a rebellion against your Father. If this is true: you need to sort this emotion out. Get a fresh start. I will be praying for you.
  4. Gryphon

    Gryphon Member


    God is calling you to Him! Find Him, somehow, do not deny Him. You have your choice before you and you know which one is right! It is unfortunate that you do not have your husband's support. That can be a very lonely place, especially so young with two kids. You feel as if your life has already been decided so young.

    Perhaps there is something for you where you are. Search and ask God for these things, and He will show you what to do and where to go! Believe that He knows what you need and that your acknowledgement of that and belief in Him pleases Him!

    I will pray for you to follow Him and for your husband. The Holy Spirit is with you! Don't despair, because the world will reject you and will laugh. It may hurt our pride, but if we cling to the Rock that is God's Word, we know the truth in our hearts. Envelop yourself in His Word and take the time to both pray and listen.

    God bless you, you've taken the first step back to Him already!
  5. ZiSunka

    ZiSunka It means 'yellow dog'

    hi Laura,

    Yes, that is one of the ways that God calls people, by giving them a desire to be in church.

    Can you tell us about your relationship with God at all? When you're not in church, how do you relate to God?

    Do you have any friends who are devout Christians?
  6. Messenger

    Messenger Simplicity of Life

    Your in my prayers Laura. I agree with what Stormy and Bear said. Also the Bible is online but I think it is great to find a church where you can fellowship with one another. I just joined a church last March and I really enjoy it. I had been in and out of church for a while. Even though I've only been at this church a short time it feels like home.
    Love and God Bless.
  7. Messenger

    Messenger Simplicity of Life

    Here's some scripture for you Laura,

    Hebrews 4:11-12
    Let us therefore stive to enter that rest, that no one fall by the same sort of disobedience. For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

    If you'd like me to send you a Bible email me.

    Love and God Bless.
  8. laurabeams

    laurabeams New Member

    I wanted to quickly reply to the person who said I was so young with 2 kids.. Our first baby died before he was born.. we wanted a baby so bad and lost him.. and in August we were successful.. and I'm now pregnant.. so technically speaking.. I don't have any kids haha!

    thanks to the rest of you for your support and replies.. I will make a more detailed reply as soon as I can, ok?

  9. Gryphon

    Gryphon Member

    Oops! Sorry about that... !! My apologies.
  10. wvmtnkid

    wvmtnkid Order of the Candle

    Hi Laura-

    I agree with all who have said that God is reaching out to you, pulling you back to Him. He loves you Laura and He wants you to remember what it is like to be a child of a King. Even though your husband does not attend, is it possible for you to attend church by yourself? Or at least a Bible Study or fellowship group? Following God is one of the biggest decisions we make, regardless of what others around us may think. Please don't let your family push you away from this again. Just take what they say with a grain of salt. (I know, easier said then done!) What matters is that you want to renew your relationship. Who knows, maybe they will be estatic that you are coming around. Please keep us updated and know that we are here when you need encouragement, advice and just some good Christian fellowship!

  11. carmen

    carmen Active Member

    Hi Laura,

    What a beautiful sweet spirit you have. If you were mine I would have great tears of joy rolling down my cheeks that your heart has a heart after God.My arms would be open wide to hug you. I would be so proud of you. May God richly Bless you, your husband and your baby that you are carrying. May he heal every pain of your heart.
    You are such a precious child of his and he loves you so much.
  12. laurabeams

    laurabeams New Member

    Thanks again for all of your support.. I have had thoughts the same as all of yours.. I just need to spend some more time reflecting on myself I think.. we're visiting home for Christmas and I can talk to some family then.

  13. 4jc

    4jc Active Member

    HI Laura!
    God is so tugging at your heart. I just prayed for you. If you knock He will answer. Please knock, it sounds like you want too.
    I was in a similar situation as you. I had feelings like you said, and I came back to God and I am so glad I did.
    God said His Spirit would bear witness with ours. How true that is.
    You sound like such a sweet person. I wish you happiness, and a great big hug :hug:
  14. Gryphon

    Gryphon Member

    Found a couple of passages that may brighten your way:

    Titus 2:3-5
    "Older women likewise are to exhibit behavior fitting for those who are holy, not slandering, not slaves to excessive drinking, but teaching what is good. In this way they will train the younger women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be self-controlled, pure, fulfilling their duties at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the message of God may not be discredited"

    Maybe you need to find an older woman in the church to teach you.

    Also, don't forget that God wants us to love unconditionally! Do not return evil for evil, but pray for, bless and love that person, no matter what. You may be the light that God uses to change his heart, for God alone can change a man's heart.

    Proverbs 21:1
    "The king's heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD; he turns it wherever he will"

    Give your husband over to the Lord, and ask him to change his heart to Him.
  15. Sharky

    Sharky Rockin dude!

    HEYA LAURA! :hug:

    Just the way you explain your situation shows me that you are really really desparate for God. That's great! God is right there with you, every second, 24:7. Just reach out your hand, give the devil the finger (or just push him away ;)) and say: "I'm here God, teach me."

    Sometimes you might doubt because you don't have evidence to prove it to unbelievers etc. But don't worry, none of us do (well, a great deal of us actually :)). Remember you walk by faith, not by sight. Faith can see around things, sight cannot and you've got the faith!

    As for your parents pushing you, there's no need to push away. Just be cool. Catholics and christians aren't different. They're pretty much the same. I guess it's the lifestyle they get you into right? Well, it's no big deal, just live the life you want. Tell them you're totally on fire for God.

    We're all here to support each and everyone including you. It's like your headquarters :). Don't worry too much, God will sort things out for you and we're all here. Keep us updated so we can pray for you :hug: