I REALLY need advice / help with a family situation...

[kaylove1]

Hey all. I'm new here and I am coming here for advice on a situation dealing with my sister.
I'll try and keep this as short as possible but I have to throw in a little backstory to get the correct advice. Thank you so much in advance...

I am the youngest and my older sister is 14 years older than me. Our father was very abusive growing up and died about 10 years ago from COPD and my mom who doesn't have much (late 60's) but is the sweetest moved in with my sister and her family.
(I was about 18 years old when this happened)

My sister is very fortunate and blessed to be able to do this because they have a 4 story beautiful home, worth over half a million dollars and was able to house my mom separately.

I was able to "forgive and forget" our past and my mom for not getting us out of the situation...she said she was scared and had nothing and had nowhere to go...whatever...anyway....my sister somehow cannot for whatever reason.

My sister is also a Christian. But she can be very mean and very hard and very cold hearted. She's one of those people you don't speak up to because it will cause ww3, and she will bring the worst upon you and say the worst things. She can say whatever she wants to you though, you just have to keep quiet. I have learned over the years to just "deal with it" unless I don't want to speak to my family for a year. It's so unfortunate.

Anyway. Shes blessed financially, her family just built a million dollar home and a place for my mom in there as well but all I get is phone calls of her yelling and swearing about how my mom has been with her for 10 years, and she resents ME - because I don't have to deal with it..yadda yadda....BTW I am a normal person that doesn't even have an income right now. I recently learned she threw my mom up against a wall, threatens her, exct. My mom won't say anything and I am very very very far away to do anything.

I give what I can on holidays to my nephew, which is usually $50. My sister calls me cheap and its always very uncomfortable to give him a gift because she acts like its never good enough. Yesterday on the phone she said she played the lottery and told the woman if she won she wouldnt "give any to her cheap sister".....I immediately changed the subject and acted like I didn't hear it...I have been avoiding her calls, and praying on this I just don't know what to do anymore.

Mind you my sister hasn't had to work or pay bills in over 18 years..shes very out of touch...

She'll even say things to hurt you on purpose like "I don't love anyone, only MY SON" making it clear she doesn't love me as a sister. She is a toxic person.
And when I pray for her and tell her about forgiveness, she acts like nothing can happen to her spiritually she says I DONT BELIEVE THAT and says she's a prophet and that if you wrong her God says you will be in trouble.

this is weighing on me so heavily and I can't stop thinking about it my chest is heavy and I really really really need some good advice. Please, I appreciate all I can get.

 

[vinsight4u]

I'm sorry this has been happening to you. You need to look more in the direction you want to go with your own life. Love them from a distance, while you get on with the things that you want to do. You matter to God, and that is what counts! He will hold you and guide you on a better path -the one that fulfills your goals. You need to lean on Him and start to take the road where your dreams unfold.

 

[Dave-W]

Matt 18:15 “If your brother [sister] sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. 16 But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

 

[JacobKStarkey]

Call elder care anonymously. Today. It will only get worse.

Let them investigate and deal with your sister.

 

[kaylove1]

I'm sorry this has been happening to you. You need to look more in the direction you want to go with your own life. Love them from a distance, while you get on with the things that you want to do. You matter to God, and that is what counts! He will hold you and guide you on a better path -the one that fulfills your goals. You need to lean on Him and start to take the road where your dreams unfold.

Thank you so much for your words

 

[kaylove1]

Matt 18:15 “If your brother [sister] sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. 16 But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

Thank you!

 

[JCFantasy23]

A very sad situation. It sounds like your sister has a lot of anger, bitterness and hostility in her heart. Sometimes money (power) does that to people as well. Her bringing up the reminders of money often with hurtful comments is one way to see this. Sadly with your mothers history with your father, she may be used to or more accepting of abuse as well, and may feel trapped being in poverty circumstances. A sad issue all around.

I'm not sure what to advise other than to keep doing what you're doing - ignoring her the best you can, talking to your mom in love on the phone, continued prayers, and trying to keep the peace but distance. I can imagine this is very draining on you emotionally, so you must take care to keep up a balance as much as possible so it doesn't drain you too much.

 

[kaylove1]

A very sad situation. It sounds like your sister has a lot of anger, bitterness and hostility in her heart. Sometimes money (power) does that to people as well. Her bringing up the reminders of money often with hurtful comments is one way to see this. Sadly with your mothers history with your father, she may be used to or more accepting of abuse as well, and may feel trapped being in poverty circumstances. A sad issue all around.

I'm not sure what to advise other than to keep doing what you're doing - ignoring her the best you can, talking to your mom in love on the phone, continued prayers, and trying to keep the peace but distance. I can imagine this is very draining on you emotionally, so you must take care to keep up a balance as much as possible so it doesn't drain you too much.

Thank you so much for your words, I truly appreciate them <3

 

[Duke Nelson]

Hey all. I'm new here and I am coming here for advice on a situation dealing with my sister.
I'll try and keep this as short as possible but I have to throw in a little backstory to get the correct advice. Thank you so much in advance...

I am the youngest and my older sister is 14 years older than me. Our father was very abusive growing up and died about 10 years ago from COPD and my mom who doesn't have much (late 60's) but is the sweetest moved in with my sister and her family.
(I was about 18 years old when this happened)

My sister is very fortunate and blessed to be able to do this because they have a 4 story beautiful home, worth over half a million dollars and was able to house my mom separately.

I was able to "forgive and forget" our past and my mom for not getting us out of the situation...she said she was scared and had nothing and had nowhere to go...whatever...anyway....my sister somehow cannot for whatever reason.

My sister is also a Christian. But she can be very mean and very hard and very cold hearted. She's one of those people you don't speak up to because it will cause ww3, and she will bring the worst upon you and say the worst things. She can say whatever she wants to you though, you just have to keep quiet. I have learned over the years to just "deal with it" unless I don't want to speak to my family for a year. It's so unfortunate.

Anyway. Shes blessed financially, her family just built a million dollar home and a place for my mom in there as well but all I get is phone calls of her yelling and swearing about how my mom has been with her for 10 years, and she resents ME - because I don't have to deal with it..yadda yadda....BTW I am a normal person that doesn't even have an income right now. I recently learned she threw my mom up against a wall, threatens her, exct. My mom won't say anything and I am very very very far away to do anything.

I give what I can on holidays to my nephew, which is usually $50. My sister calls me cheap and its always very uncomfortable to give him a gift because she acts like its never good enough. Yesterday on the phone she said she played the lottery and told the woman if she won she wouldnt "give any to her cheap sister".....I immediately changed the subject and acted like I didn't hear it...I have been avoiding her calls, and praying on this I just don't know what to do anymore.

Mind you my sister hasn't had to work or pay bills in over 18 years..shes very out of touch...

She'll even say things to hurt you on purpose like "I don't love anyone, only MY SON" making it clear she doesn't love me as a sister. She is a toxic person.
And when I pray for her and tell her about forgiveness, she acts like nothing can happen to her spiritually she says I DONT BELIEVE THAT and says she's a prophet and that if you wrong her God says you will be in trouble.

this is weighing on me so heavily and I can't stop thinking about it my chest is heavy and I really really really need some good advice. Please, I appreciate all I can get.

Hi Kaylove,

I've read your situation quite carefully however I didn't see what exactly you need advice on.

Regards

 

[kaylove1]

Hi Kaylove,

I've read your situation quite carefully however I didn't see what exactly you need advice on.

Regards

How to deal with my sister. I can never speak up to her, for instance, her making the cheap comment on the phone or always being mean or rude.

 

[Duke Nelson]

How to deal with my sister. I can never speak up to her, for instance, her making the cheap comment on the phone or always being mean or rude.

Ok. What exactly would you want to say to her..?

 

[turkle]

Unfortunately, you are not going to be able to change your sister's mean behavior. The only thing you can change is your own response to it. The best way to deal with toxic behavior is to refuse to let it get to you. Understand that her comment are about her and her bitterness, not you. If you can distance yourself emotionally from her you can have conversations without angst.

You can also refuse to let her bully you. You can tell her that you won't listen to her abusiveness anymore, and if she starts, your conversation will be over. And then follow through. It took me years to learn this with my mother, who was equally awful. Once I took charge and wouldn't let her speak to me hatefully, she realized that she either had to filter her comments or not speak to me at all.

As for your mother, she should have reported the violence to the police. That was an assault. But as long as the family allows this behavior to continue, it will. And it will escalate.

 

[Duke Nelson]

Unfortunately, you are not going to be able to change your sister's mean behavior. The only thing you can change is your own response to it. The best way to deal with toxic behavior is to refuse to let it get to you. Understand that her comment are about her and her bitterness, not you. If you can distance yourself emotionally from her you can have conversations without angst.

You can also refuse to let her bully you. You can tell her that you won't listen to her abusiveness anymore, and if she starts, your conversation will be over. And then follow through. It took me years to learn this with my mother, who was equally awful. Once I took charge and wouldn't let her speak to me hatefully, she realized that she either had to filter her comments or not speak to me at all.

As for your mother, she should have reported the violence to the police. That was an assault. But as long as the family allows this behavior to continue, it will. And it will escalate.

I understand your point but this does not solve the root issue. This simply avoids confrontations. She has a sister she loves and wants to see changed.

Sweeping an issue under the rug just means you don't have to look at it or deal with it. But the rug is still there! and if you leave it long enough who knows what you'll find when whatever has been under it comes out again.

 

[Joined2krist]

How to deal with my sister. I can never speak up to her, for instance, her making the cheap comment on the phone or always being mean or rude.

I was also wondering what you need advice on as you weren't specific. Since your sister is mean and rude, pray for her while you keep your distance. I'll also like to suggest that you should consider putting your mum in an elder care home or if you feel you will be nicer to her, let her move in with you or you can have her over at least for 2 weeks a month, I'm hopeful your mum will appreciate the change

 

[Endeavourer]

It's better to eat a crust in peace than dwell in a mansion with contention.

If you and your mom get along really well, is it possible to share your crust with her? i.e. for her to live with you? She likely receives social security income which could help pay your rent.

The two of you might be balm for each other's souls as you both process through the healing from abusive family members.

It would seem you are 28. Are you working along a plan to be able to support yourself?

Also, as to your sister being a prophet...she doesn't sound like she has made the connection with Christ, so I wouldn't take any **Christian** positioning she gives you seriously.

 

[SvN.7]

Firstly, always pray as this is really important.

Secondly, not sure if I missed this but have you considered having your mother live with you instead? I know it's a big difference financially, but your mother deserves peace just as much as you do because what you mentioned about her condition sounds awful.

Also, sometimes it helps to avoid people for a while as you can recover mentally and emotionally overtime, and if lucky, it can also make the offender realise their actions were terrible. Resentment and lack of love and care happens when they know you'd always be around.

Finally, someone really needs to give your sister a wake up call in regards to her thinking she's a prophet. No prophet would behave this way, especially when someone goes as far as physically attacking their own mother.

I pray everything works out well for you. God bless.

 

[Andrew77]

Hey all. I'm new here and I am coming here for advice on a situation dealing with my sister.
I'll try and keep this as short as possible but I have to throw in a little backstory to get the correct advice. Thank you so much in advance...

I am the youngest and my older sister is 14 years older than me. Our father was very abusive growing up and died about 10 years ago from COPD and my mom who doesn't have much (late 60's) but is the sweetest moved in with my sister and her family.
(I was about 18 years old when this happened)

My sister is very fortunate and blessed to be able to do this because they have a 4 story beautiful home, worth over half a million dollars and was able to house my mom separately.

I was able to "forgive and forget" our past and my mom for not getting us out of the situation...she said she was scared and had nothing and had nowhere to go...whatever...anyway....my sister somehow cannot for whatever reason.

My sister is also a Christian. But she can be very mean and very hard and very cold hearted. She's one of those people you don't speak up to because it will cause ww3, and she will bring the worst upon you and say the worst things. She can say whatever she wants to you though, you just have to keep quiet. I have learned over the years to just "deal with it" unless I don't want to speak to my family for a year. It's so unfortunate.

Anyway. Shes blessed financially, her family just built a million dollar home and a place for my mom in there as well but all I get is phone calls of her yelling and swearing about how my mom has been with her for 10 years, and she resents ME - because I don't have to deal with it..yadda yadda....BTW I am a normal person that doesn't even have an income right now. I recently learned she threw my mom up against a wall, threatens her, exct. My mom won't say anything and I am very very very far away to do anything.

I give what I can on holidays to my nephew, which is usually $50. My sister calls me cheap and its always very uncomfortable to give him a gift because she acts like its never good enough. Yesterday on the phone she said she played the lottery and told the woman if she won she wouldnt "give any to her cheap sister".....I immediately changed the subject and acted like I didn't hear it...I have been avoiding her calls, and praying on this I just don't know what to do anymore.

Mind you my sister hasn't had to work or pay bills in over 18 years..shes very out of touch...

She'll even say things to hurt you on purpose like "I don't love anyone, only MY SON" making it clear she doesn't love me as a sister. She is a toxic person.
And when I pray for her and tell her about forgiveness, she acts like nothing can happen to her spiritually she says I DONT BELIEVE THAT and says she's a prophet and that if you wrong her God says you will be in trouble.

this is weighing on me so heavily and I can't stop thinking about it my chest is heavy and I really really really need some good advice. Please, I appreciate all I can get.

OH boy oh boy oh boy.... I'll tell you what... do not ever give me the phone when your sister calls, because I'd be all up in her stuff. There would be some words, some many colorful and pointed words being tossed around in that conversation....

My sister long long ago, was being a real total jerk to my mother for several years. She started getting really abusive. I caught her one day, and just let her have it. I yelled, screamed, and threatened her with a brutal response. She never treated my mother badly in my presence again. A few months later, my mother said "your sister has gotten so much better over the last few months". Never said a word, and never will. She does not need to know.

So I have two bits of advice for you, and they are entirely contradictory. I'm saying this up front, that both bits of advice are entirely opposites.

Advice 1: Confront.

I would go ballistic. I would get right up in her face, with my finger up her nose. I would tell her that she is a narcissistic snot nosed immature brat that is disrespectful to her mother, and is she nothing more than a cockroach not worth my time to step on. The world right now, would be better off if someone bought a can of bug-bomb and set it off in her house. She needs to shut up, or grow up.

I would absolutely get in her face. I would stare her down, until either she grows up, or she decided to cut ties with me. Either one is a victory over the current situation. If she cuts ties, then I don't have to deal with her cruel immaturity anymore. If she grows up, then I'll have a good relationship with my sister again.

Advice 2: Cut her off.

I think it's pretty clear that you simply don't have the disposition to actually do what I would do. That is not an insult. This is not a put down. G-d created you, and we need people like you. *I* need people like you. Wonderful women like you, keep me from being a charging bull in every china shop. If not for those like you, there wouldn't be a ceramic plate left in the country without a crack in it.

Nevertheless, I don't think you will be able to face her, and confront her harshly, the way that needs done. People like this do not change, until they are confronted by someone as tough as themselves. People like this regard acting diplomatically, as being cowardice, and they regard cowardice as proof of their virtue.

When you back down after she says something terrible, in her mind that is proof that she is right. This is why the way you deal with such people, is step on their toes, get face to face, and stick your finger up their nose.

And the first time you do this, things will go badly because you will destroy her vision of you being a pushover, and she won't like it.

Like I said I just don't think you are the kind of person to do this.

My advice is, cut her off. Block her phone number. Block her on social media. Cut her out of your life entirely. Just ghost her. Total ghost. If there is a serious family emergency, she'll find a way to get in touch, but until then,..... she doesn't exist. Just let her go her own way by herself.

And then when you go to church on Sunday, I would pray two quickly little prayers. G-d watch over my mother, and bring someone to confront my sister.

That's all you need to do. Don't let the crazy sister ruin your life, or steal your joy. Just cut her out, and let G-d handle it.

 

[kaylove1]

Thank you so much for everyone's advice. I read every single one and took it all to heart. To clear some stuff up I would totally let my mom live with me but right now I am residing out of the country for my fiance's job. Whenever I get back to the US this is an option. I spoke up to my sister today extremely kind and gentle through text and ww3 started.
I started the conversation with what is bothering the most and that is all the money judgment she makes. I posted the convo below. If anyone has any advice, I just don't know how to react anymore. I am extremely anxious, like when you drink too much caffeine, my heart is racing, my mind is looping all day. I feel like I cant breathe or eat. It's awful. I hate tension.

Me: I just want to let you know I will give to Georges team, But there are a few things I would love to clear up. 1. I do not have a US bank account. (Checking). Everything for that goes through Tim. So I, physically have no resource to do so. I mentioned it to him. 2. I know you call me cheap. You did it on the phone the other day, And I know you have said it to others in the past many, many times. This really bothers me, because I give what I can. Truly. I always work Part-Time, and I don't think you have a clear understanding of our finances. Even the past few Christmas's and Birthdays I took the money out of my savings account for George because I did not have it physically. I always thought it was the thought that counts, not the amount. So now I feel genuinely uncomfortable every time I gift him something or money because I know in your eyes it's not good enough. I do not have a joint bank account, I do not have access to Tim's money. And I shouldn't even have to explain that. I can give something, but the way you guilt tripped me on the phone the other day about Chuck giving $100 to his lacrosse team I can not do. Especially right now. I have never even heard of that for school fund-raisers. I feel like if I donate a normal amount like $20 or $30 you're just going to roll your eyes at me. Imagine how that makes me feel. I live a very different life than you, and you can not compare me, and my life, and my choices and my finances to you, your situation, or to others. This has been really bothering me, and I have no other way of explaining it to you. I hope this clarifies things for you and helps you understand.

Her: I made a joke the other day and it was a joke about the lottery. The school does not pay for lax because it is a club. The kids have to raise 300 dollars each to pay for uniforms and ref time. Chuck is the only one left in the family we have and that is why I mentioned it. I know you always give to George so that is why he put u down. He only had 2 names to put down while other families have like 10. You don't have to give and we won't ask you again. No worries, I have have everything on me financially including your mother. I have a job now so no worries. He sent an email a month ago so we needed to know so we can Include the rest he does not raise. Don't bother giving I don't want it. We will do it ourselves as usual.

Me: If you would re read above I stated I would and I am more than happy too I just can not give 100. Dont be that person that no one can ever bring things up to. And shes our mother. And when I move back I'll gladly let her live with me. You have a lot of anger and resentment toward me because of her. I hear it every single time I talk to you. You have to work on that its dangerous.
I never said I wouldnt give to George and I would.never say that. So please dont mke this something it's not and play the victim card.
I should be able to speak to you without worrying how mad you'll get. It's been this way for 32 years. Times for change. Isn't that exhausting?
Me bringing this up has nothing to do with his lacrosse donation but you calling me cheap every holiday.

Her: Seriously don't bother do not bother at all and I'm not playing the f****** victim card0
No I have to work I'm done I'm not going to beg anybody for f****** money I'm on my own always been on my own and will do it on my own

Me: What are you even talking about. It has nothing to do with that it's because every time I give him a gift you call me cheap.
So when you said that the other day it's been on my mind and it really hurt my feelings
don't have kids I love George to death and I will always do whatever I can for him this has nothing to do with that it just has to do with me feeling insecure about what I can donate
Please don't get upset you're taking this whole situation the wrong way. I dont want to fight with you. Your my sister. Let's not get to that point
I was just letting you know how I felt.
I felt like I was going to make my donation and you were going to basically act like I suck

Her: And don't tell me to be careful I'm not going to fall for those threats. I have done everything I was supposed to do biblically and when I had no food and didn't talk to my parents and I called after two and a half years and not answered the phone and said what do you want, that changed me forever so when you were shipped parent there's a switch that turns off that could never be turned back on again. I'm a mother I would never treat my child that way. So if I'm resentful for that God knows it. I've done everything on my own got here on my own with my husband. I owe no one anything at all.

Me: I understand that but no one's asking you for anything I never said you owed me a thing
And I'm not threatening you I don't know why you would even think that
I am not the one to be upset with every time I talk to you I can hear it in your voice and that hurts my feelings I love you-you're my sister
It really breaks my heart.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Thank you so much for everyone's advice. I read every single one and took it all to heart. To clear some stuff up I would totally let my mom live with me but right now I am residing out of the country for my fiance's job. Whenever I get back to the US this is an option. I spoke up to my sister today extremely kind and gentle through text and ww3 started.
I started the conversation with what is bothering the most and that is all the money judgment she makes. I posted the convo below. If anyone has any advice, I just don't know how to react anymore. I am extremely anxious, like when you drink too much caffeine, my heart is racing, my mind is looping all day. I feel like I cant breathe or eat. It's awful. I hate tension.

Me: I just want to let you know I will give to Georges team, But there are a few things I would love to clear up. 1. I do not have a US bank account. (Checking). Everything for that goes through Tim. So I, physically have no resource to do so. I mentioned it to him. 2. I know you call me cheap. You did it on the phone the other day, And I know you have said it to others in the past many, many times. This really bothers me, because I give what I can. Truly. I always work Part-Time, and I don't think you have a clear understanding of our finances. Even the past few Christmas's and Birthdays I took the money out of my savings account for George because I did not have it physically. I always thought it was the thought that counts, not the amount. So now I feel genuinely uncomfortable every time I gift him something or money because I know in your eyes it's not good enough. I do not have a joint bank account, I do not have access to Tim's money. And I shouldn't even have to explain that. I can give something, but the way you guilt tripped me on the phone the other day about Chuck giving $100 to his lacrosse team I can not do. Especially right now. I have never even heard of that for school fund-raisers. I feel like if I donate a normal amount like $20 or $30 you're just going to roll your eyes at me. Imagine how that makes me feel. I live a very different life than you, and you can not compare me, and my life, and my choices and my finances to you, your situation, or to others. This has been really bothering me, and I have no other way of explaining it to you. I hope this clarifies things for you and helps you understand.

Her: I made a joke the other day and it was a joke about the lottery. The school does not pay for lax because it is a club. The kids have to raise 300 dollars each to pay for uniforms and ref time. Chuck is the only one left in the family we have and that is why I mentioned it. I know you always give to George so that is why he put u down. He only had 2 names to put down while other families have like 10. You don't have to give and we won't ask you again. No worries, I have have everything on me financially including your mother. I have a job now so no worries. He sent an email a month ago so we needed to know so we can Include the rest he does not raise. Don't bother giving I don't want it. We will do it ourselves as usual.

Me: If you would re read above I stated I would and I am more than happy too I just can not give 100. Dont be that person that no one can ever bring things up to. And shes our mother. And when I move back I'll gladly let her live with me. You have a lot of anger and resentment toward me because of her. I hear it every single time I talk to you. You have to work on that its dangerous.
I never said I wouldnt give to George and I would.never say that. So please dont mke this something it's not and play the victim card.
I should be able to speak to you without worrying how mad you'll get. It's been this way for 32 years. Times for change. Isn't that exhausting?
Me bringing this up has nothing to do with his lacrosse donation but you calling me cheap every holiday.

Her: Seriously don't bother do not bother at all and I'm not playing the f****** victim card0
No I have to work I'm done I'm not going to beg anybody for f****** money I'm on my own always been on my own and will do it on my own

Me: What are you even talking about. It has nothing to do with that it's because every time I give him a gift you call me cheap.
So when you said that the other day it's been on my mind and it really hurt my feelings
don't have kids I love George to death and I will always do whatever I can for him this has nothing to do with that it just has to do with me feeling insecure about what I can donate
Please don't get upset you're taking this whole situation the wrong way. I dont want to fight with you. Your my sister. Let's not get to that point
I was just letting you know how I felt.
I felt like I was going to make my donation and you were going to basically act like I suck

Her: And don't tell me to be careful I'm not going to fall for those threats. I have done everything I was supposed to do biblically and when I had no food and didn't talk to my parents and I called after two and a half years and not answered the phone and said what do you want, that changed me forever so when you were shipped parent there's a switch that turns off that could never be turned back on again. I'm a mother I would never treat my child that way. So if I'm resentful for that God knows it. I've done everything on my own got here on my own with my husband. I owe no one anything at all.

Me: I understand that but no one's asking you for anything I never said you owed me a thing
And I'm not threatening you I don't know why you would even think that
I am not the one to be upset with every time I talk to you I can hear it in your voice and that hurts my feelings I love you-you're my sister
It really breaks my heart.

Let her be. She is bitter, angry, and boils over. People like that are impossible to talk to. Nothing you say, even gently and kindly, is ever gentle or kind enough.

Back off of this lady. Pray for her. But if you keep trying to discuss her thoughts and words rationally, she'll keep screaming at you until *you* have a nervous breakdown. If possible, whenever you can get back to the U.S., see if your mom could live with you and your husband, once you marry.

 

[Andrew77]

Thank you so much for everyone's advice. I read every single one and took it all to heart. To clear some stuff up I would totally let my mom live with me but right now I am residing out of the country for my fiance's job. Whenever I get back to the US this is an option. I spoke up to my sister today extremely kind and gentle through text and ww3 started.
I started the conversation with what is bothering the most and that is all the money judgment she makes. I posted the convo below. If anyone has any advice, I just don't know how to react anymore. I am extremely anxious, like when you drink too much caffeine, my heart is racing, my mind is looping all day. I feel like I cant breathe or eat. It's awful. I hate tension.

Me: I just want to let you know I will give to Georges team, But there are a few things I would love to clear up. 1. I do not have a US bank account. (Checking). Everything for that goes through Tim. So I, physically have no resource to do so. I mentioned it to him. 2. I know you call me cheap. You did it on the phone the other day, And I know you have said it to others in the past many, many times. This really bothers me, because I give what I can. Truly. I always work Part-Time, and I don't think you have a clear understanding of our finances. Even the past few Christmas's and Birthdays I took the money out of my savings account for George because I did not have it physically. I always thought it was the thought that counts, not the amount. So now I feel genuinely uncomfortable every time I gift him something or money because I know in your eyes it's not good enough. I do not have a joint bank account, I do not have access to Tim's money. And I shouldn't even have to explain that. I can give something, but the way you guilt tripped me on the phone the other day about Chuck giving $100 to his lacrosse team I can not do. Especially right now. I have never even heard of that for school fund-raisers. I feel like if I donate a normal amount like $20 or $30 you're just going to roll your eyes at me. Imagine how that makes me feel. I live a very different life than you, and you can not compare me, and my life, and my choices and my finances to you, your situation, or to others. This has been really bothering me, and I have no other way of explaining it to you. I hope this clarifies things for you and helps you understand.

Her: I made a joke the other day and it was a joke about the lottery. The school does not pay for lax because it is a club. The kids have to raise 300 dollars each to pay for uniforms and ref time. Chuck is the only one left in the family we have and that is why I mentioned it. I know you always give to George so that is why he put u down. He only had 2 names to put down while other families have like 10. You don't have to give and we won't ask you again. No worries, I have have everything on me financially including your mother. I have a job now so no worries. He sent an email a month ago so we needed to know so we can Include the rest he does not raise. Don't bother giving I don't want it. We will do it ourselves as usual.

Me: If you would re read above I stated I would and I am more than happy too I just can not give 100. Dont be that person that no one can ever bring things up to. And shes our mother. And when I move back I'll gladly let her live with me. You have a lot of anger and resentment toward me because of her. I hear it every single time I talk to you. You have to work on that its dangerous.
I never said I wouldnt give to George and I would.never say that. So please dont mke this something it's not and play the victim card.
I should be able to speak to you without worrying how mad you'll get. It's been this way for 32 years. Times for change. Isn't that exhausting?
Me bringing this up has nothing to do with his lacrosse donation but you calling me cheap every holiday.

Her: Seriously don't bother do not bother at all and I'm not playing the f****** victim card0
No I have to work I'm done I'm not going to beg anybody for f****** money I'm on my own always been on my own and will do it on my own

Me: What are you even talking about. It has nothing to do with that it's because every time I give him a gift you call me cheap.
So when you said that the other day it's been on my mind and it really hurt my feelings
don't have kids I love George to death and I will always do whatever I can for him this has nothing to do with that it just has to do with me feeling insecure about what I can donate
Please don't get upset you're taking this whole situation the wrong way. I dont want to fight with you. Your my sister. Let's not get to that point
I was just letting you know how I felt.
I felt like I was going to make my donation and you were going to basically act like I suck

Her: And don't tell me to be careful I'm not going to fall for those threats. I have done everything I was supposed to do biblically and when I had no food and didn't talk to my parents and I called after two and a half years and not answered the phone and said what do you want, that changed me forever so when you were shipped parent there's a switch that turns off that could never be turned back on again. I'm a mother I would never treat my child that way. So if I'm resentful for that God knows it. I've done everything on my own got here on my own with my husband. I owe no one anything at all.

Me: I understand that but no one's asking you for anything I never said you owed me a thing
And I'm not threatening you I don't know why you would even think that
I am not the one to be upset with every time I talk to you I can hear it in your voice and that hurts my feelings I love you-you're my sister
It really breaks my heart.

I would say basically the same thing I said in the previous post. Cut her out of your life.

Here is what you need to understand. You are not helping anything. All that stuff you said? It didn't help anything.

Moreover, when yo have a problem like this, you are innocent until you continue the problem. Right now you are continuing the problem. It's no longer just your sister in the wrong. You are now in the wrong as well.

How does this work? I happen to be 6 foot 2, but let us pretend that I am 5 foot 5. I'm short. But I love playing basket ball. So I spend my life trying to get into the NBA. Well I ever do it? No. Nothing I do is going to fix this so I can end up in the NBA. But I keep trying, because it's something I love.

I'll never join the NBA, but I'll use up all my emotions, energy, and my mental health, trying to do something I have no ability to do.

You can't fix your sister. You are faced with a choice...

1. You can keep chasing after this relationship with a person who does not want to fix the problem, and does not even believe what she is doing is wrong. You can spend your happiness, your emotions, your time and energy, on something you will never fix.

2. You can move on. Leave her alone. She doesn't want a relationship with you. Pursue your life with your husband. Get married. Live for, and with G-d.

You need to pray that G-d brings someone else into her life, that will get in her face, and set her straight.

You can't do this. Every time you try, you are going to have to same results you are having.