I need to understand

KaySee Mira

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Hello all

I am not sure if this really fits since i am not sure there is really anything I can do, but I feel like I need a sounding board of non biased individuals as yourselves.

So background, We met at our workplace about 3 years ago and we started hanging with other friends together from work. Eventually we started to get to know each other and started to hang out one on one. I also started attending the church he went to and all together I loved it. I loved his company, he was funny the biggest goof you ever met I never felt so relaxed around anyone. During these early times together it was before I decided to become a christian and he was okay with that. He is a very passionate christian I felt he helped so much in helping me start my journey. Though there were times I found it very overwhelming or over my head so I didn't know what to say at times so I would just left him talk and I listened.

Still things went well until we had been officially dating for 3-4 months when he started to withdraw and distance himself from me. I worried, but at the same time if he needed more time to himself then he could no questions about it from me, I could use the alone time as well. When we met up again he told me what was happening, this is where I get confused cause I don't understand it.

He said his conscience was telling him that he should leave me, but at the same he didn't want to leave me. I didn't know what to say that, I still don't...

Because this keeps happening over and over and over again... He seems at war with himself claiming he loves me and wants me in his life in one breath and in the next said he still feels like his conscience or God wants him to leave me. We almost broke up at one point, he couldn't take the war inside him any longer. But the next day he called me crying saying he felt he made a mistake and wants to try again. So we did, but the cycle keeps going around and around. I hate seeing him like this and it been going on through most of our relationship. Everytime this happens I feel further pushed away from him and frustrated, he and I both pray on this everyday but I don't know what else to do. I thought about letting him go but its a hard thought to go through with. I don't want to ruin any chance we have of getting though this if we can.

If anyone has advice or has gone through this, please let me know.
 

Soyeong

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Hello all

I am not sure if this really fits since i am not sure there is really anything I can do, but I feel like I need a sounding board of non biased individuals as yourselves.

So background, We met at our workplace about 3 years ago and we started hanging with other friends together from work. Eventually we started to get to know each other and started to hang out one on one. I also started attending the church he went to and all together I loved it. I loved his company, he was funny the biggest goof you ever met I never felt so relaxed around anyone. During these early times together it was before I decided to become a christian and he was okay with that. He is a very passionate christian I felt he helped so much in helping me start my journey. Though there were times I found it very overwhelming or over my head so I didn't know what to say at times so I would just left him talk and I listened.

Still things went well until we had been officially dating for 3-4 months when he started to withdraw and distance himself from me. I worried, but at the same time if he needed more time to himself then he could no questions about it from me, I could use the alone time as well. When we met up again he told me what was happening, this is where I get confused cause I don't understand it.

He said his conscience was telling him that he should leave me, but at the same he didn't want to leave me. I didn't know what to say that, I still don't...

Because this keeps happening over and over and over again... He seems at war with himself claiming he loves me and wants me in his life in one breath and in the next said he still feels like his conscience or God wants him to leave me. We almost broke up at one point, he couldn't take the war inside him any longer. But the next day he called me crying saying he felt he made a mistake and wants to try again. So we did, but the cycle keeps going around and around. I hate seeing him like this and it been going on through most of our relationship. Everytime this happens I feel further pushed away from him and frustrated, he and I both pray on this everyday but I don't know what else to do. I thought about letting him go but its a hard thought to go through with. I don't want to ruin any chance we have of getting though this if we can.

If anyone has advice or has gone through this, please let me know.

It sounds like he has some sort of issue that he needs to work through that it might be helpful if there was a third person who he could confide in who could help mentor or guide him through this situation, so you should consider having him speak to your pastor or to a Christian relationship coach or marriage counselor.
 
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bèlla

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I'd ask three questions:

How much experience does he have with the opposite sex? Many Christian men don't have a lot. In spite of their age. You may be dealing with someone in their thirties who's less than that relationally. That requires patience and grace.

What are you afraid of? I wouldn't focus on the 'God' issue. I'd cut to the chase and deal with the fear because it's probably the culprit.

What do you need to feel safe? He's running away and it will continue until the fear is addressed and the thing that's bothering him is resolved. It may be internal or something he experienced with another. Including his parents.

I'd have a heart to heart. No judgment or anger. Stay calm and quiet your emotions. Reassure him as he talks. Tell him you want to listen. Don't interrupt. Let him get everything out. Gentleness and kindness are key. Pray before you speak with him and ask the Lord to give you wisdom.

I'd try to talk before making a decision about the connection. Give him an opportunity to explain himself. If he won't and you're unwilling to stay the course; the time apart may be best. However, if this is the lone issue you're grappling with and he's solid elsewhere. Consider the whole. Don't give too much attention to what's lacking. Especially if he's meeting your needs in other ways. All relationships have challenges. :)

Yours in His Service,

~bella
 
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KaySee Mira

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Thank you for all the replies it does give me a lot to think about. In terms of where we are in our relationship.

I really want to give us another chance before calling it quits. Possible try to mend what is broken if we can.. before I simply didn't know what to do. Will try talking about this again to find a solution together with suggestions in mind.
 
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HARK!

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THIS THREAD NEEDS CLEANING!

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