I need to tell someone

[IneedHisgrace]

Nobody knows what goes through my mind (except God of course). No one knows what I struggle with. I literally have no one to tell that would understand, so I went to google and here I am.

I'm 27, I've never had a boyfriend or kissed anyone or even held hands with a guy. Most people think I'm this "pure" innocent girl. In fact, I knew this elderly lady who used to always bring up how "pure" I was. It made me feel so uncomfortable.

I think part of the issue might be the need for intimacy. I'm at a stage in my life where things have been pretty lonely for the past few years and I want companionship (both in friendship and in a romantic relationship). Also, as a child I was molested several times so I wonder if that has something to do with where my thoughts are today.
I think I've always had inappropriate thoughts to some extent, but it was easily manageable and would come and go. This past year, however, my mind has been full of thoughts that would certainly shock those who know me. I'm embarrassed saying this, but sex is on my mind pretty much daily. I imagine it, I'm fantasizing about all kinds of it, I've lost hours of sleep thinking about it in the middle of the night. It's usually the hardest before bed and when I wake up. I'm selfish with it, too. I think about what I would like and what I would want in my fantasies.

I've never looked at inappropriate content and I've never masturbated. But the thoughts are in my mind and my body craves it. I enjoy thinking about it, I want to think about it because I feel good when I do. BUT I know it's wrong, this is supposed to be for marriage.

I have this very (VERY) high sex drive, which will be great when I'm married, but for now it's just really difficult to deal with. I wish I had a switch I could turn off and then turn on again on my wedding day. I can even feel my body reacting as I type this message. How do I turn this thing off temporarily?

I know fantasizing is wrong, but the thing is, I want to think about it anyway. I feel like I abuse grace because when I think about it I know God will forgive me so I keep thinking about it.
How do I put God's will for me (not thinking about this) ahead of my own fleshly desires? I don't want to get to the point where I end up masturbating (which I want to do but feel, for me, is a sin). Is there another way to get rid of sexual frustration?

I want to follow God. I have been saved for 23 years. I want to obey him and follow his plans for my life. So why is this so hard for me to let go of?


What a relief sharing this. Now, hopefully no one I know ever sees this!

*Hopefully I didn't overshare. Sorry if I went too far.

 

[Archie the Preacher]

No bright ideas, other than to continue celibacy and prayer. I will pray for you as well.

Whatever you do, do NOT 'settle' in a life mate. It is possible to shift the 'drive' into meaningful Kingdom work, by the way.

 

[Gabe7587]

Hello, I'm Gabe Alkire, Im 16, so I won't really be much help in the sexual stuff. But I do have compassion for you. I like this new saying I heard "Pray till something happens". God knows your heart good or bad. Try your best to avoid those fantasies, really pray for those to go away. Ask the Holy Spirit to be the gatekeeper of your mind. Read the Bible every day out loud to be filled even more with the Spirit of God. ( sorry for giving you a to do list lol).

“O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted; you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear”
‭‭Psalm 10:17 ESV

God bless ya my friend. I'll pray right now that God will provide relief from those thoughts and the right husband for you.

 

[SportsFanatic]

Keep praying and think of Heavenly thoughts instead of earthly desires.

 

[IneedHisgrace]

Thank you for your responses

 

[Saucy]

Hello and welcome to CF

I do think a lot of what you mentioned has to do with your molestation. I, too, was raped when I was very young. And it has left me struggling. I, too have a strong drive and have a lot of thoughts that I've tried my best to keep suppressed. I'm 33 and haven't had sex yet. It's been tough. You're not alone in your experiences.

I will be praying for you.

 

[Johnnz]

Hi,


May I suggests you should to clarify in your own mind what you can expect as a normal, healthy sexually mature person. You are very aware you are not asexual. Thus you will have some sexual awareness, some curiosity, some desire for expression that is not simply sinful lust. That is something you will live with in various ways all your life.

Sex and intimacy are closely linked. One can feed the other. Single people can find it hard to have any kind of physical closeness with other people which can result in some strong desire for it and that can get intertwined with our sexuality.

Sorry, but just praying won't make you asexual. Nor will merely thinking 'beautiful thoughts' have much success, although of course we must not engage in less than healthy thinking and outlets.

John
NZ

 

[IneedHisgrace]

Thank you Saucy. I appreciate your empathy and prayers. I'm so sorry you had to go through such a horrific event. Praying for your emotional and mental healing.

John, thank you so much for your reply. Your first paragraph confirmed some things I was thinking. Earlier today I was wondering if it was actually wrong to just want to know information about these things, is it really sin to want to be aware? Is curiosity a sin? I didn't feel that it was. Information isn't a sin, it's what I choose to do with it that can become sin.
I grew up quite sheltered from this topic, not ever knowing very much and never talking about anything like this with anyone. So, when thoughts and feelings arose I felt disgusting. I really thought I was some sort of pervert. I had no idea this was normal for Christians.
I definitely think these desires are very closely related to my need for true intimacy. Over this past month, since writing my original message, I've uncovered some things about myself and I've realized that it's not so much a desire for just sex, but the relationship that comes with it as well and the closeness you have with that person. I guess what I really want is someone I can have a connection with on every level.
I've also noticed that the sexual desires seem to come in stages, sometimes I feel like I'm in neutral and it's not an overwhelming mind consuming desperation, then other times it does end up taking over my mind. But I'm now aware of these stages at least.

I wanted to share a bit of detail on what's been happening with me because I don't think I'm the only one who's like this, I'm sure I'm not. As far as my experience goes, this is not a topic talked about in church and I believe that needs to change. People have to feel comfortable asking questions and not feel judged. Thank you to all who have responded and not been judgemental whatsoever.

 

[Johnnz]

Hi.

You are doing well.

Sex has had a bad history within Christendom since very early days. We are getting better but still more progress is needed. In some Christian circles even today virtually any sexual feelings prior to marriage are deemed 'lusts of the flesh'. Very unhelpful, hugely condemning and confusing, and as source of great anxiety. Your thinking is heading in the right direction. Get some good information, both biological and value based.

It was really insightful to see your need for intimacy. Both are linked in a loving marriage. But single people need physical contact. It is a matter of being aware of that link and exercising caution when they seems to be mingling.

The level of sexual awareness can be largely hormonal. That's how God made our sexuality to function. It is very normal, not a sign of unacceptable feelings.

John
NZ