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I need to either find a spouse or learn how to be at peace with being single, how do I do that?

Discussion in 'The Ancient Way - Eastern Orthodox' started by Coolbutclueless, Jul 9, 2019.

  1. Coolbutclueless

    Coolbutclueless New Member

    50
    +32
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Single
    This is something thats been bothering me for a while. Recently on another orthodox forum someone posted a question and so part of this post is just me lifting stuff from what I responded with to that post.

    This lonliness though, its like a cancer eating me from the inside. I'm not dissalusioned, having a wife wouldn't make me wonderfully happy or cure all the problems in my life. That said, God said that "its not good for man to be alone". We are designed for marriage and those who don't get married are the exception. I'm doing everything I'm "suppose" to do. I'm buildling a life for myself, i have hobbies, I'm not just sitting around sulking that I don't have someone. But its always there in the back of my mind, like hunger it can be ignored but you never truly forget that your hungry.

    I met with my priest last week and talked to him some and we primary talked about this issue. I'm a 26 year old man, I converted about a year and a half ago and was attending regularly for a year and a half before that. In that 3 years Ive been attending a parish with LOTS of young adults. A solid part of the parish is people 20-35. In that time Ive encountered (as in been in the same room with) a grand total of 3 women who were orthodox, single, and a appropriate age.

    I want to get married. I know thats what I want in my life, I want to find a partner I can go through life with and more importantly grow towards Christ with. It feels completely hopeless. When I talked to my priest about this I literally broke down crying because it feels so hopeless. He was great and understands where Im coming from but didn't really have any suggestions other than trying to go to a conference.

    At the end of the day dating is largely a numbers game and as someone orthodox in america numbers are woefully against me and honestly it bothers me. I'm not getting younger, the dating pool is only going to get smaller as I continue to age. I want a family, I want a partner in life, I want someone I can pray with, go to church with, worship with. Currently I live alone and the most painful part of my day is coming home to an empty apartment. Its compounded by the fact that many of my friends arn't christian and those that are are a very "progressive" type of christian. We basically have no shared values when it comes to the faith. I love them all to death but its very isolating to realize that no one around you views the world the same way. My parish is an hour and a half away and while I have a few friends there Ive not met any.

    Recently Ive been giving orthodoxandsingle a shot, but I don't have a lot of hope there either. Most of the women on their just put a profile picture and then leave their profile blank. Its not suppose to be tinder where you swipe right cause you like they way they look. Whats the point of messaging someone if you don't know anything about them other than what they look like?

    In my life my only real goal (outside of knowing God more) at this point is to get married. I'm "desperate" but not for anyone, but for a good relationship. I'm not going to look outside of orthodoxy for a spouse and there isn't a lot (or any that I can see) options within orthodoxy either. I'm trying to find peace in living as a single man but its difficult and honestly very emotional.

    At this point I'll do almost anything just to MEET a woman who meets the basic criteria of being 1)orthodox, 2) Single, 3) between ages 21 and 29. Forget marriage, I just want to know that a woman who meets those 3 things exist.
     
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  2. David Neos

    David Neos Catechumen

    +3,959
    Ecuador
    Christian
    Single
    Don't fall in despair! That's what the enemy wants.

    Have you tried looking in Orthodox-majority countries?
     
  3. Coolbutclueless

    Coolbutclueless New Member

    50
    +32
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Single
    I'm living in the middle of the US, to be honest I don't really have any desire to go overseas to try to find a spouse. I'm an American, i'm not some super patriot or anything but what I mean is this. I'm not greek, I'm not Russian , and I literally do not care at all about greek or russian culture it means nothing to me. I'm happy that many people enjoy it but personally its not something that I want to waste my time on. I have more than enough things taking up my time as it is. I don't speak those languages, I'm not of that culture, and while I'm not opposed to dating/marrying someone from that culture I can't just go to another country I care nothing about for the sole purpose of finding a wife. plus I'm a year out from graduating college, then I'll need to get a job and then It will be way more difficult if I go overseas.

    I know you mean this as a joke, but the thought of doing that physical makes me ill.
     
  4. ArmyMatt

    ArmyMatt Regular Member Supporter

    +12,195
    Eastern Orthodox
    Married
    US-Republican
    just hang in there. it took me a while to find my wife. God knows what He is doing with us.
     
  5. AMM

    AMM A Beggar Supporter

    +763
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    In Relationship
    Why? You don't like East Asians and Filipinas? I personally find Vietnamese women most attractive.[/QUOTE]
    I'm guessing he was referring to the idea that he could just swoop in and "save" some "poor Vietnamese girl". He never said he didn't like people from South east Asia.

    Also, not all Asians are Roman Catholics.
     
  6. AMM

    AMM A Beggar Supporter

    +763
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    In Relationship
    How much experience do you have dealing with women in Vietnam or Vietnamese women in the US?
     
  7. AMM

    AMM A Beggar Supporter

    +763
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    In Relationship
    Hasn't been my experience in my interactions with my vietmanese girlfriend's family.

    I'd advise against making such broad generalizations
     
  8. AMM

    AMM A Beggar Supporter

    +763
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    In Relationship
    On a lighthearted note - I'm also learning vietnamese so if you ever wanted to start like a "pen pal" thing where we can practice our vietnamese with each other - let me know
     
  9. CowboyAndy

    CowboyAndy Orthodox Catholic, former Baptist

    24
    +13
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    Are they Roman Catholic? In that case, I'm surprised. Roman Catholic Vietnamese in Vietnam tend to really like Americans.
    Over 50% of East Asian women in the US marry white men. Why that is, I don't know.
     
  10. AMM

    AMM A Beggar Supporter

    +763
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    In Relationship
    Some of them are catholic, some of them are buddhist. They do like me, but not because I'm white (they weren't a fan of her ex, for example, who was white, and I've also discussed my ethnicity with them and I know that it's not just because I'm an american that they like me).
     
  11. gospels

    gospels Active Member Supporter

    275
    +297
    India
    Christian
    Single
    Don't give up. She exist. Cheer up. You will find her. Until then keep reading the book of proverbs. It provides exceptional wisdom on how to live a happy and peaceful life.
     
  12. Andrei D

    Andrei D Active Member

    368
    +381
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Married
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  13. David Neos

    David Neos Catechumen

    +3,959
    Ecuador
    Christian
    Single
  14. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla ⭐️ Supporter

    +5,208
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    Given your preferences I feel it’s important you view your desire in light of them. You are picking from a very small group and since you prefer someone who shares your faith you must be willing to accept the consequences of that choice. There’s no way around it.

    If having an Orthodox companion means a great deal move in that direction. But you cannot lament the challenges or speak of desperation when your preference is contributing to the wait.

    There are men and women desiring the same who aren’t seeking with similar limitations. You’re not the only one wrestling with this issue and must make peace with the prospect of searching longer than planned.

    The greater your specifications the narrower the field becomes. Although you’ve noted a disinterest in Russian and Greek culture you may increase your prospects by attending local events sponsored by each.
     
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  15. ~Anastasia~

    ~Anastasia~ † Servant of God † Supporter CF Senior Ambassador

    +15,733
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Married
    Hello and welcome to CF!

    Yes, they exist. My goddaughter for one, who just moved to another state (partly because our young adult population here is low). And two or three more just about that age in our parish who are mostly away at college.

    It seems to me like young people have a very hard time finding each other. There were several young men who were interested in my goddaughter (those single Orthodox young ladies don't show up every day - and she's quite pretty with a VERY lovely spirit) but none of them were serious enough for her to be interested in (except one who was too young).

    Meeting does seem to be the problem. I think Orthodox and single is new ... hopefully it will improve? I would even contact them with the suggestion and maybe they can reach out to members with that idea. Or perhaps some OCM or conferences or something? I don't have the answer but it seems a very common problem. Just people are so spread out.
     
  16. David Neos

    David Neos Catechumen

    +3,959
    Ecuador
    Christian
    Single
    It is a common joke in my OCF Group that you always get reading to bring a wedding ring to the conferences.
     
  17. Coolbutclueless

    Coolbutclueless New Member

    50
    +32
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Single
    I know, but Roman Catholics in Vietnam are pretty eager to marry white Christians. Even the non-religious women in Vietnam act more Christian than most whites in America.[/QUOTE]

    This right here. I have no problem with people from that part of the world. But the way it came across was more of a "marry so she can move here" Type situation which is at best similar to prostitution as far as im concerned.



    Their are options in college? Have you been to a college recently? They arn't exactly bastions of christian virtue, nor do they promote it.

    I don't have a choice, not a real one. If I want to live out the faith and pursue God through the life of the church I need a partner who is 100% on board, otherwise it will be a living hell. Holy week alone is hard and thats when its just me Ive got to get there, it would be even more difficult with a spouse who doesn't see the value in it. IF she isn't orthodox she sure isnt' going to be happy about keeping the kids at church till 2am or 3am a couple times out of the year either.

    Its not a "choice" for me and its silly to pretend it is. Pursuing someone who isn't orthodox would only cause pain for both parties.


    well, at least there is one out there lol.

    ----

    I think one of my biggest frustrations is that it feels impossible. I'll be blunt, even if religion wasn't an issue i would have trouble finding someone. Ive never been particularly good with dating, when I was younger I wasn't very sociable and while I'm fine at socializing now I missed out on that whole period in the teenage years where you learn the whole song and dance when it comes to dating. I'm fine talking with women its just I don't know HOW to pursue anything more than a friendship (which I do have with some women who have been helpful when I have questions!). So I'm already at a pretty big disadvantage. Now add into the fact that there is no one to be interested IN or to get to know and I'm suddenly left in a situation where I can't really learn because thats very much a "learn by doing" type of thing. you can't learn to date unless you date.

    Now add onto that the fact that I don't typically enjoy things that most people bond over. I have no interest in sports or most of pop culture, I don't get references , and most of the music I listen to is not mainstream. Its not that those things are bad i just don't have an interest in them so I don't bond with people over them.

    But I think the biggest issue is the one that everyone here seems to be missing. On a fundamental level I am looking for someone who can walk beside me where we both help each other grow in the spiritual life. That is the absolute top priority in the relationship. I'm not looking for someone perfect (I'm not), and I'm not someone who thinks they are a modern saint or that they could become one. I'm not looking for a zealot. I'm looking for someone who wants to know God and wants to shape their life around that. THAT is what I want my relationship to be based on. Not on happiness (Though a relationship should have plenty of happiness) , not on wealth, not on social status or any of the other worthless stuff I hear people in christian communities talking about.
     
  18. Coolbutclueless

    Coolbutclueless New Member

    50
    +32
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Single
    I just want to apologize if my postings seem overly negative. This has been an incredibly frustrating thing for me to deal with and i don't have much hope of it ever getting better. Thats just how I feel about it and I don't know how to change that.
     
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  19. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla ⭐️ Supporter

    +5,208
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    I understood your point. You want a godly companion and I commend you for your commitment. And it makes sense that you’d prefer someone who shares your faith and is comfortable doing so. You don’t need a power struggle on that subject.

    I’ve dealt with this. I came to faith in a synagogue and I’m Jewish. And while I believe in Christ I cannot erase my identity and become Chrissy Christian to appease someone. It will never work.

    I have a Jewish expression of my faith and I need someone who gets that and feels the same. But our purposes must align and that comes first. I won’t transgress His mission to secure a companion.

    I’ve been where you stand and the solution was leaning into Him and taking my hands from the reins. I needed to stop thinking and wondering and just be still. Let it go and leave it in His hands.

    When I did my peace amplified. But if you continue to dwell on it you’ll end up in knots. And that’s no way to live.
     
  20. rusmeister

    rusmeister A Russified American Orthodox Chestertonian

    +2,313
    Eastern Orthodox
    Married
    “Every dog has his day”.
    I heard that as a lonely single guy in 1984 in the movie “Gotcha!”.
    I met my wife in 1991 (now going on 28 years together). It turned out to be true. Patience, and stick to your guns.

    I live in Russia, and I can tell you that there are more lonely single women than men over here. But I think it’s fine that you are culturally rooted. Marrying a foreigner is not for everyone.
     
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