I need some Christian advice about an uncomfortable subject, please

Brandon h · Mar 10, 2018

Hello everybody. Well this is embarrassing. I wouldn't talk to anybody in person about it. I'm a 21 year old guy in college. I am a Christian but often I'm terribly ashamed of my behavior and know beyond a doubt that I deserve hell. I cling to Christ for salvation but I know I can't keep living like this. My biggest problem is that I'm really lustful. I love women, I don't just see them as objects but my mind goes to places sexually where it never should. I'm a virgin though. Here's something that further complicates my situation, I've never even talked to a girl or been on a date because I'm so shy I don't think I ever will. I think it would help if I could find a girl to marry but I'm too shy to. To be honest I don't think I could ever have sex with a woman even within a Christian marriage, because of the way I am; I'd just be too embarrassed. I want to live the Christian life, but I have urges that lead me astray. You don't know how many times I've prayed about it and how much guilt I've felt over it. I guess in short, I feel like I have misplaced sexual desire. It should be spent on finding a wife but my shyness gets in the way so I end up taking it out in ungodly sinful ways. Please pray for me if possible and please give me any advice you have. Thank you and God bless you all so much.

Not me · Mar 10, 2018

You are susceptible to young person issues. You are normal. Paul calls it the “fire of youth” Every person goes through what your going through. It’s part of the nature we inherited from Adam. Doesn’t mean it’s righteousness, but it is part of the old man. Continue to keep presenting yourself before God. (when you can). Just remember to never not return to Him. For He loves you and has good things in store for you. Just keep knocking on the door and it will be opened for you.

“Knowning that He will perfect that which concerns you”

Much love and prayers, Not me.

Haipule · Mar 10, 2018

Really Dude! Your only 21! Do you realize this problem is NEVER going to end!

As long as God made all women beautiful and you a target(although not ALWAYS direct), you will have a problem with this the rest of your life! I can promise you this and I say, let all men continue to be entirely grateful!

Yet, your probably wondering how to deal with it well, that's up to you because we all else suck at it!

What we have learned to do is to love them as God would have us do. And that, in spite of the summersaults our bodies must endure!

Dude! You haven't discovered anything new. It's a really, really old problem!

Having birthdays only slightly helps!

Welcome to the fray!

royal priest · Mar 10, 2018

Divine Antidote to Sexual Impurity - Albert N. Martin Audio Messages A series of sermons from the best preacher I've ever heard.

Haipule · Mar 10, 2018

Ok, I'll get real. Women want a man whom is confident.

Do you have the confidence to say to a roomful of women, "Is it tall and handsome in here: or is it just me?" Or, can you put on a pair of sunglasses and say, "Do these sunglasses make my butt look big?" While bending over a showing them your butt?

These are ice breakers because they are actually curious.

Confidence is a big factor as women want to be confident that your not just another piece of crap. The world is full of crap! The world is full of women and there are far more women than men.

So, don't be shy! Your inability to confidently relate to women is hindered by your shyness that you should have got rid of a long time ago! So also, you will have to go through an awkward stage. But, go through it and get over it! They need you to be confident!

As far as sex, just say your a virgin and have no idea what your doing! They will take you by the hand a walk you through it--EXPERTLY! Just don't think you know anything because one women's pleasure is another women's, "Ouch, what are you doing?" There all completely different emotionally and physically. Your just a bottle of shampoo: wash, rinse, repeat!

Therefore, always make love to them on their terms. They will love you for it! And by the way, it is most sweetest in marriage beyond anything you can imagine!

Haipule · Mar 10, 2018

By the way, let God find you that wife when your readied by Him! Everything else has been proven not to work!

longwait · Mar 11, 2018

When you started out I thought you were going to say that you have lustful feelings towards other men. Thank God its for women. Maybe its your age. You are too young. Congrats that you kept yourself a virgin even with such extreme feelings. Well done! But I think the more you fight it in your flesh the more this feeling will grow. You need to bring it up before the Lord. Pray, "Lord I can't fight this myself in my own flesh. Help me to conquer this through your power". Wait for God to act. He will surely come to your rescue. Armour up with the divine armour of God. Read and meditate on Ephesians 6:10-19.

Greg J. · Mar 11, 2018

You are not alone. A lot of guys have been in this situation, and even more in recent years where relationships can form without being forced to grow the thick skin required to interact with people fact-to-face all the time. If you explore yourself, I think you will find pain avoidance as your motivation for your behaviors. This is a self-damaging way to live that will just keep getting worse unless you get help.

For what it is worth, this post could have been written by me some years ago. In my case, I had Social Anxiety Disorder, which ended up leading to a large number of health problems Sometimes someone poses the question, what would you tell your younger self if you could go back? My answer is always, tell myself to go see a Christian psychologist and tell them everything ASAP. Do not be afraid of doing so. Christian psychologists have heard it all, and nothing you say will surprise them—particularly since this is actually a common problem.

Suicide is what happens when a person can no longer live with the pain of living with themselves (because you can't escape from yourself). Be sure you aren't even at the beginning of that road. Do not do nothing only because of the hope things will get better. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't.

brinny · Mar 11, 2018

We are told to "flee" lusts. Better take up "running", brother if you haven't already.

Praying for you.

Ojpalosa · Mar 11, 2018

I would advice you to read the bible, study it and devour it! Listen to music, work out and then read the bible again! Simply put, being in His presence is the thing. Seek him and then seek him some more.

Kit Sigmon · Mar 11, 2018

Every Young Man's Battle Stategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker The Every Man Series

Francis Drake · Mar 11, 2018

I am 67 years old, and at 21 I was like you, knowing no women, terribly shy but obsessively driven by lustful thoughts.

I became a Christian in my mid 20s and the battle didn't change. I was plagued with constant unclean and guilty feelings and was always pleading with God to forgive and cleanse me.

Then one day, I realised that my constant pleading with God was because I did not believe that my forgiveness was a done deal on the cross. Every time I whined and pleaded, I was in fact confessing I didn't believe he had already done it.

I immediately changed my prayers, and every time the guilty thoughts came, I would thank God that he had cleansed and forgiven me. To put it simply, the result was astonishing, the voices and thoughts of condemnation disappeared and I had peace for the first time in decades.

I also realised that the lustful thoughts and temptations were actually demonic spirits which had gained a hold in my boys only school, most likely from the inappropriate contentography that floated around. I had become spiritually enslaved to demons and reacted to the goads they kept prodding me with.

Once I realised what it was, I started addressing the demons in Jesus name and casting them out. I took every lustful thought captive (which were actually indwelling demons) and threw it out of me. Just as Jesus commanded us.
The lust and other sexual uncleanness completely disappeared from my life years and years ago.

It is obvious to me that you have been taken captive by similar evil spirits.
Start by accepting that you have been cleansed, and no matter how often you fall, when you turn to him, he still forgives, just as he taught the disciples.

Then either start casting the demons out yourself, or go to a church that walks in that authority and ask them to help you.

Sketcher · Mar 11, 2018

Sounds like you have a normal sex drive and don't know what to do with it. The shyness is a separate issue.

Don't ask a woman to marry you if you don't think that she's "safe" to have sex with. Honestly, one of the reasons I'm still a virgin is that the types of women who will sleep with a stranger aren't going to have love for that stranger, and when I finally do lose it, I want love and the understanding that comes with love to be there. Nobody better to provide that than a wife, and nobody's going to marry me if she doesn't have that towards me. So if that day ever comes, I'm not worried about being too embarrassed.

No, I get it exactly. I know lust very, very well. A few points:

Shyness doesn't limit you to sexual sin. People who are just as lustful as you are who aren't shy just try to get into women's pants all the time. That is not any better than what you are doing. In fact, that is more harmful than what you have shared that you do.

Sexual desire is a part of you. You will always be tempted to lust if what older, married men have told me is true.

That said, you have an identity in Christ, so your sins do not define you anymore (1 Corinthians 6:9-11). Your responsibility is to walk in honor of that identity, which is blameless because of Christ's imputed righteousness on you (Romans 6). That means no fornication or adultery for you (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8). You haven't told us yet whether or not you look at inappropriate contentography; if you haven't started, do yourself a favor and don't. You cannot tell if you are going to be able to permanently quit that, very few are able to.

All that said, get out there and date Christian women. Have friends who are devoted to following Jesus in this area who also encourage you to date. That's the best way to melt away your shyness with women.

Greg J. · Mar 11, 2018

I would say that the best way to melt away shyness is to just try to be friends with women without having an agenda. i.e., your end goal is just to be friends. This takes pressure off and you can practice your conversational and relational skills. Make every effort to not try and behave differently with her than you do with a male friend. Don't talk about the weather unless you actually care about the weather. Talk about the things that you care about and affect your emotions. Avoid being too inquisitive about her life until you're friends (although this depends on what kind of personality she has).

I will tell you that it is hard, if not impossible, for a friendship to grow with someone unless you are genuinely interested in them in ways other than their appearance/sexiness. This is why chatting about a common interest works well at the start of any relationship. If you actually like each other's company, it would be normal to feel a powerful push for a deeper relationship, but I would resist turning the relationship into anything but friendship. i.e., no affection. The reason is that sooner or later you are going to have to overcome being controlled by your desires and actions. When you allow yourself to do whatever feels good it will be harder for you to acquire the discipline needed to be happy (or be successful in your efforts to be obedient to Jesus). There is no lasting happiness without self-discipline, there is only stuff you aren't in control of that may be enjoyable at times. It's a path to emotional instability and pain. Look at this list and ask yourself why "self-control" is a part of it:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:22-23, 1984 NIV)

Also note that this is a fruit of the Spirit; that is, something that God grants in response to abiding in him, living obediently, and living wisely. Even if you struggle with being self-controlled God will still grant you this gift. Struggling to be disciplined about what you let your thoughts dwell on is also important, and is a part of being freed from the control of sin.

Andrew77 · Mar 12, 2018

Well I don't think there is a magic way to fix the struggle without getting married.

The Biblical solution to sexual desire is not join a prayer group. It's to get married.

So, if I were you, then I would make a choice to get married. By that I mean, to start dating with the purpose of looking for a wife.

If I don't have the ability to go ask a girl out, then I would ask around to people I know and trust, and who know me, and ask them if they know anyone looking for a husband. Ask your parents or friends, to set you up.

And do not be ashamed of that. For literally thousands on thousands of years, most people were introduced to their spouse through family or relatives. They still met the person and decided whether or not they were a match, but it was usually family and friends that setup the initial contact.

That was normal, for thousands of years of human history. It's only been in the last 100 years that people are expected to run around randomly, and hope they bump into someone they like. Well, you can see the divorce rates prove that system isn't working out all that great.

So don't be ashamed to have someone introduce you to a girl.

But I have to be honest, that would be my course of action. I was start actively seeking a woman, and if not doing so myself, I would have others introduce me.

deusartemlux · Mar 12, 2018

Prayers my friend. I'm only a year older than you and I feel like an ancient virgin. It shouldn't, but sometimes it makes me feel sorry for myself (there I said it!). All of us men face this on a daily basis! Trust me, I've been going through it for years. The struggle is real, and as others have said, marriage isn't going to make it a whole lot better (I don't think). But I understand the feeling, it feels like God made you with something (this drive) with nothing real to do with it. Wait on him, pray and read, read, read. I've noticed a link between my struggles and my reading of Gods word (they are inversely related). Do I really expect to effortlessly look the opposite direction when cute girls cross my field of vision whilst my bible tank is empty? Remember this though, here's advice from God's word, and something my Dad (an x inappropriate contento addict pre-Christ) has told me this growing up into manhood, "It's not about how many times you fall, It's about how many times you get back up!" Keep running the race, wipe up your guilty tears and get back out there, claiming boldly, "Christ is for me, who can be against me!" The battle is already won.
As for the guilt Christ is THE anecdote. Remember what he told us?
Matt 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted [...] blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied."
Matt 11:28 "Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
Read the entirety of Romans. Listen to Paul as he wrestles with sin. Loose paraphrase: "who will save me from this body of death?....Jesus already has, there is no condemnation in him!"
Jesus died for people like us! Rest in the fact he does love you! Stay strong, don't throw away your virginity for a moment of pleasure. And don't be embarrassed, I think we all need to be better about talking these things out.

deusartemlux · Mar 12, 2018

I forgot the luminously helpful and profound paragraph from John Stott commenting on 1 Thessalonians 4: 1-8

“We too must accept this apostolic teaching, however hard it may seem, as God’s good purpose both for us and for society. We shall not become a bundle of frustrations and inhibitions if we embrace God’s standard, but only if we rebel against it. Christ’s yoke is easy, provided that we submit to it. It is possible for human sexual energy to be redirected both into affectionate relationships with friends of both sexes and into the loving service of others. Multitudes of Christian singles, both men and women, can testify to this. Alongside a natural loneliness, accompanied sometimes by acute pain, we can find joyful self-fulfillment in the self-giving service of God and other people.”

Greg J. · Mar 12, 2018

Marriage is not a solution to lust.

Some of Paul's advice is for men who already have a relationship with a women and not for those who have not yet found one (such as 1 Corinthians 7:36).

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