I need help/advice about my 'teenager'

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mama

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I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place in regards to my teenager....He is 15 and he is ADHD and that is attention deficit hyperactivity disorder....we actually both my boys have it....My teen has been tested and retested and retested, so it's not like some quack is telling me this....Anyway, we had a blow up last night and I can't take anymore....I walk on egg shells around him, doing my best not to make him mad.....or if he asks for something he pesters until he gets what he wants.....He has called me the "B" word and this whole situation hurts....I am a single parent and he doesn't know his father....I am getting married by the end of the year and my boys are really excited about him and us getting married......I know that will help.........He was suppose to stay the night with a friend and then he shows up at 12:30 am and I question what happened he said someone didn't tell the father about myson staying the night so they were playing board games and he lost track of time and then he came home.....(and no I don't let him do what he wants.....and no I am not a bad parent) I am desperate for prayer on how to handle this problem....I am unsure of how to talk to you.......He thinks I am stupid and he has called me a loser..........I am deeply saddened that I feel like I have lost the connection with him.....I work with teens and I relate well with them, but when it comes to my children, no way am I cool....I feel helpless and that hope is lost........He tells me to get rid of him, send him away to foster care or something like that..........I am having a hard time because I don't want to act out of anger or react in a negetive way.......I get frozen when there is a confrontation between us.......and when for example he is reading over my shoulder what I am typing and I tell him thats rude and not to do that.........He flips out and says "why? You do that to me why huh why why {I have no response} yeah huh why...no answer yeah thats what I thought" I know some of this is because of him being a teenager and imature but where and how do I draw the line.....He has been getting physical with his brother and he has gotten in trouble before about that.....So not only and I defending and protecting myself I have to do the same with joey.....and that is really upsetting and so very stressfull for me.....My parents help out as much as they can, but I still feel like I am losing my mind.....If you have decided to respond to this post please don't judge me or condem or do anything negative in anyway because I already get that from my kids and that is not constructive.....If you have something to say to help Ideas or what ever please post just becareful because I am in a very stressful time in my life.....with much love and respect........mama :cry:
:confused: :(
 

JohnR7

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What he needs is discipline, and lots of it. Also, he needs a mentor who can show him the advantage of looking out for his future, to get a good enough education to get a job. Also, a lot of prayer and a lot of the power of God to help him with his learning disorder, so he can concentrate on his school work.

Nothing short of a miracle will cause a over night change, but actually the odds are he will get himself straightened out sometime in the next ten years or so. What you need is a church that does more than talk about the Bible. You need a church that has enough of the power of God to really make a difference.

If he really wants to be sent away, there is always teen challange. They can get the job done there, if he is willing to go along with the program. Thanks, JohnR7
 
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OldBadfish

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Mama, I will pray hard for you!

I am also ADHD (hyper kinetic), while I have settled down a lot since I've gotten older I still get anxious sometimes. When I was a teen it was ok to spank your kids, so if I ever talked back I got whipped with "senor wood" I feared and respected my parents. I know in this day and age it is hard to discipline your kids, especially with what they are teaching them in school. (In your situation I wouldn't try to start spanking your 15 year old son, it is too late for that, and you might get in trouble.)

I have a 16 year old step daughter. While she has not been diagnosed with ADD, I have personally diagnosed her with HMTS (Horribly Mean Teenager Syndrome ;) ), after we had enough of her nasty attitude and dropping out of school, we enrolled her in "Job Corps", and she is doing much better now. Maybe "Job Corps" or another type of away from home program may be an option for you.

You are doing the right thing by praying and presenting your son for prayer. However somehow you must find a way to curb his attitude towards you. I hope and pray that God will give you the strength and wisdom to handle this situation correctly.

I hope this helped some :)

Take Care mama, and God Bless You!
 
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I know your pain mama... my son is diagnosed adhd also... he, in the past, was violent and mean not only with me but with his siblings... i went to parenting classes. i prayed and warred in the spirit... i took him up for prayer... i repented for "whatever I must have done to cause him to be this way" over and over and cried for years... i didn't understand something that i now realize. at fifteen, your son is making his own choices! it is good you are not reacting out of pain. don't. it will only compound the problem. when he is reckless tell him it hurts you. when he calls you names or says he hates you tell him you will love him enough for both of you. this is a serious thing. sometimes, intervention in needed. especially with siblings getting hurt. i had to send my son away to grandparents houses for the past year. i love him. he is my son. but i still cannot allow the damage he did in my home. you must protect weaker siblings. there are programs available... teen challenge, job core, camps... look carefully. sometimes, we, as "mama's" need to realize that with a medical condition it is not in our ability to control the child (especially an older child). i know people misjudged and thought i never disciplined ect.. that couldn't be farther from the truth! i lived Dobson. It did not change anything. your son is now old enough to know right from wrong. something else. there is medications available. most importantly, forgive yourself. i am now a single mother also. it's so easy to blame yourself. let God heal you and trust Him. There is time for God to move mountains yet in you and your son's life! i am praying for you! love, your sister in christ!
 
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JohnR7

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>>i still cannot allow the damage he did in my home.

I had to throw my son out of the house when he was 15 years old, because he kept breaking the windows. Once he threw a smoke bomb in the garage and I thought it had damaged the paint on my truck, so I got mad and told his frineds to go home and sent him to his room. He got mad and broke five windows on the way. It was about 20 or 25 degrees outside and the house started to get very cold very fast, and I had to rush to try to get them fixed so I had a house with heat to live in.

I figured that it was not going to do any good for either one of us not to have a house to live in, so I threw him out. He went to live with his martial arts teacher and with him mom.

Now he is 24 and we get along fine. He has a two year degree in electronic engineering and is working on his 4 year degree. He works part time and goes to school full time, so he really does not have time to get into much trouble.

What turned him around was getting into trouble with the law. He was down to his last chance and the judge decided to give him one last break if he would go to collage. Otherwise he was on probation and would have had to go to jail for a year. That brought him around, because he does enjoy his freedom. He was a thrill seeker and thought it would be great fun to break into a safe. Now he works for a locksmith company and they pay him to break into safes, which he says is not near the fun.

That also is what got him interested in electronics, because he use to spend so much time to try and defeat a alarm system. He worked hard to learn how to be a criminal, but found out that no matter how hard he worked, the police were smarter than him. So he decided to go straight. I finally convinced him that he could make more money the honest way and he saw that was true.
 
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JohnR7

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>>my son loved spray painting the vehicles in vibrant shades of green

One summer my son was always wanting me to buy him and his friends pizza. So I would tell them to wax the truck and I would buy the pizza. It cost me about $20 and I had about 20 coats of wax on that truck. They could do it in about 15 or 20 min. Faster than it took for the pizza to get there.

Maybe that is why the smoke bomb did not really harm the paint, because it had so many layers of wax on it :)
 
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supermagdalena

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Okay, wow something I really know about. I'm 14, and for years I treated my parents really bad. When I had a bad day at school or was stressed (which is 24/7) I would lash out at them. It was wrong, and I'm now making an effort and the instances are growing more isolated. I did it because I realized how much respect my mom deserved and how incredibly wise she was, and I wanted the great relationship we had until I was about 8 back. I'm slowly working towards it and have several friends praying for me. All it takes is a little effort on his part, which he may not be willing to give. Give him discipline...lots of it! That's what my mom started to do, she even slapped me a couple times (not that i didn't deserve it in every way :( ) and it scared the crud out of me. My parents never hit me, unless I'm reeeeally screwing up. I was there. I also found a couple of scary Bible verses...look up "Parents" or "children" in the glossary of the Bible if you need some... :eek: eeks!

I'll definitely be praying for you and your son.

Love Y'all in Jesus Christ!
--Emily
 
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lucypevensie

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Hi mama,

I have not personally read this book but I am planning to check it out of the library next time I go. I've heard a lot of good things about it.

I always hesitate to recommend books to people (especially if I've never read it) as if you have all kinds of time on your hands to read a book! But I've read some reviews and Barnes and Noble website (bn.com, i believe) has an exerpt from the book. it looks really good

Before it's too Late by Stanton E. Samenow
 
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ZooMom

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I have an 8 yr old son who is also ADHD. And from your description of your son's behavior (keep in mind that I am not a doctor), through the research that I have done and working in the pediatric field for about 8 years, I would say that you are not dealing with just ADHD/ADD. It sounds more like ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). These children, in addition to being hyper, are often rebellious, verbally abusive, and even violent. If your son is not in therapy already, you may want to consider it. Find a specialist on behavioral disorders in your area and schedule an appointment. Take your son's medical history and ask about ODD. Many GP's are not familiar enough with it to even consider it as a diagnosis. But there are meds, apart from ADHD/ADD types, that control ODD.

You are not a bad mom. And your son is not a bad child. There is help and you should never feel guilty for taking it.

May the peace and comfort of Christ be with you all.
 
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mama

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I thank you for your advice it was far more than I had hoped....I had a slight blow up with him when he got home cause he was gone all day and I knew where he was but didn't know how to find it........I have found the only thing I can do because I get over whelmed is walk away...I refuse to hit him because my x would hit him all the time when he was little.......I am frustrated but most of all frightened not because I am afraid he will hurt me but that he will hurt himself by taking drugs...or vandalism...or crimes more sever...Even as I write this I want to scream and run(but with my luck I would fall again and mess up my knee again all because of murphys law) God has given me a form of rescue and I thank my heavenly father every day for him....he will be the role model and mentor for greg and as a last resort then it will be job corps or teen challenge..he is so very talented, he loves to draw and is very good, he can draw free hand the characters from final fantasy(which by the way is a good movie) and God has given me the gift of humor..I think without that things would be much worse.......I feel sometimes that how can I be an effective role model for teens when mine is out of control...God has given me a burden for them..I was a horrible teen and I want to help others see why they do what they do which comes to me naturally but when its my own kids I think I am a little blind ya know....I wont be a single parent much longer and we balance each other out....I guess when I think about it I must not be all bad because his girls like me....and as my mother says.......this to shall pass...well I hope it happens soon cause there isn't enough chocolate to keep me happy forever but I will sure try...thank you all for your support and your prayers...I will keep you posted on the situation.....LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH AND WISDOM....AMEN...
with much love and respect.....mama
 
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JohnR7

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>>, I would say that you are not dealing with just ADHD/ADD. It sounds more like ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). These children, in addition to being hyper, are often rebellious, verbally abusive, and even violent

That is the work of demons and you need to cast those demons out of them. If you do not have enough of the power of God in your life, then find someone who does. Through the Blood of Jesus they have to go. As the song says, in the name of Jesus we have the victory, Satan has to flee. The first line of defense should be prayer and the power of God.

Of course TV does not help much. A lot of that is like having a open sewer into our living room. That along with a lot of the other garbage & trash coming out of unholywood, will fill our kids up with violence and rebellion. Thanks, JohnR7
 
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JohnR7

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>>I feel sometimes that how can I be an effective role model for teens when mine is out of control

2 Cor. 1:3-4
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, [4] who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

With the comfort we receive from God, we are able to comfort others. First we get the victory, then we are able to help others get the victory. The Bible says, we are more than conquers, we are more than overcomers. In and through Jesus.

1 Cor. 15:57 But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Romans 12:21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Isaiah 40:31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

The serpent is of this earth. But we mount up with the wings of an eagle, so the serpent is left far below. A snake is no challange for an eagle. Thanks, JohnR7
 
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WhitBit

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That is the work of demons and you need to cast those demons out of them.

Everything that is corrupt is not necessarily from without - We are responsible, ourselves, for a good deal of our anger, rage, and rebellion. Attributing these frustrations to demonic influence is not always a substantial diagnosis of the problem. I am not a parent, and have no CLUE how to become one (lol) but I do stress the importance of prayer and the advice of those you know (are you involved in a church? Surely there are parents that can somewhat relate - And can give you some solid advice).

I will be praying...please keep us aware of specifics and I'll see if I can't find some good advice from some of my parent-friends! :D

Whitney
 
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Iffy

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hi mama!

I think the best (and I really mean, the *best*) you can do for your children is to pray for them. Because, God can change them!

I speak from my own experience growing up as well as watching my own little brother grow up..and he is still growing up today! : )

My Mom remarked to me once that my brother seemed to treat her like she was his enemy! She thought it was ironic because she was trying to help him, love and protect him but all he ever saw was someone who wanted to restrict him and stop him from having a good time! I was glad my Mom said it with some humour and I think it is because she prayed fervently for my brother and believed in God that she was able to find some humour in the situation. Although she said it with humour, I knew that my Mom also felt very hurt because her intentions and actions towards my younger brother were always misunderstood and received with hostility by him.

My younger brother is hard to handle but overall he is a good kid, I know. Only when he is with my Mom that he rebels and blows his top. But I see him and I know that Mom and Dad being Christians and him being brought up in a Christian home...he has good values and more importantly, he is a child of God and so God will watch over him.

I personally (don't shoot me) feel that it is good for kids to rebel in their teens. I know I say this from reading some things psychologists say...but I also say this from my own experience. I didn't rebel a lot in my teens..and I found myself rebelling much later in life. And that is no good as the teenage years are that time of testing and 'rebelling'. If you're gonna rebel (if there's such a thing), then your teenage years is that time! By rebellion I don't mean doing anything to intentionally harm another person. I mean that the young person needs to find his/her identity...and that's why they keep giving others a tough time. They are 'testing the waters' so to speak.

I know for a mother this must be hard. My Mom has a hard time with my brother and I as his sister can only say to my Mom...be easy on him, let him act out now and then..he will grow up. He will be okay because Mom, you are a good Mom and you taught him right. Right now he is young, impressionable and finding his own way during his 'tumultuous(sp?) teenaged years'. I can view it philosophically or remember what shrinks say..because I am not a Mom.

Remember, God's strength is always available to you. Ask God for strength and patience and understanding for you to relate to your son. Pray for him. Gradually you will see a change. Know that you are doing your best as a Mom and that your son acts a certain way because it is confusing being a teenager and he will mature!

God bless you,
Iffy
 
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Iffy

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P/s: mama, don't worry about your son calling you 'stupid'. From what I've heard, it's very normal! You should hear some of the names my little brother calls my Mom behind her back..or the names me and my sis have called our parents. I am ashamed now of my thoughts/words towards my parents in the past. Especially when God says 'Honour your Mom and Dad and you will have a long life' (Iffy paraphrase)

Get together with other Moms to release your anxieties and hurts. You will be uplifted to know that your situation is not one in a million. In fact it's very common, very normal.

Be strong, sister!
 
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mama

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We had a wonderful night on sunday...I told him how I felt and I cried(I didn't mean too) and I saw hurt, pain and love in his eyes....like he was hurting because I was hurting........And things for the moment are going well...Thank you lord for the help....amen.......so thank you for the prayers and advice.......with much love and respect mama.......
 
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VOW

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To mama:

My son has ADD, and it's a "family thing." He has several cousins with it, and I even saw symptoms in my father-in-law. I saw first hand the grief my nephews caused, and so when the very first problems arose with my son in Kindergarten, we got him to a doctor, ASAP. In a growing child, medication is very tricky, and it seems we were always juggling the dosage. He had some very bad years (second grade was horrible) and was even hospitalized when a change to Ritalin made him so aggressive he attacked another child on the playground.

A LOT of the anger that an ADD child generates is towards himself. He KNOWS he is different from other kids, and he is always on the outside looking in. Children can be incredibly cruel towards the different child, and parents/teachers/other adults are generally not very supportive. (My son was called "retarded," "crazy" and "stupid" by classmates after his teacher told the other kids the reason why James's behavior was getting him into trouble was that "something was wrong with his brain." Sheesh.)

Get a referral from your family doctor and have your son treated by a pediatric psychiatrist who specializes in ADD. Ask also that he be placed in counseling. You can TRY to get support from the school district, but all I got from the school was grief. By LAW, you are entitled to help from the school, but it seems our school district specializes in stonewalling. Speak to the School District Psychologist about a 504 Individual Development Plan for your son. And don't buy any garbage about the school "not having any money" for that. The 504 is funded by the federal government.

You would probably benefit from family counseling, as well. Include your fiance. You might be asked to provide a very structured household; if so, DO IT. A child with ADD benefits greatly from structure, and from routine.

Finally, if your back is right up against the wall and there is no place else to go, look for "Tough Love" in the phone book. It's a self-help group of parents and caregivers of teens who are out of control, and the people there UNDERSTAND.

You will be in my heart, and in my prayers.



Peace be with you,
~VOW
 
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