I need boy advice. (Interdenominational relationship, non-denom and Catholic)

[Noelle_LikeChristmas]

I never thought anyone would fall in love with me. Much less did I ever dream there would be two of them.

Also, I never expected myself to fall in love with anyone. Much less did I think it would be such a problem when I did...

I know this is a stupid situation. But it's a situation nonetheless, and I have no idea what to do. I just turned 20, and I'm hoping to get the opinions of some people of faith about what to do.

So boy #1: he's the sweetest, most selfless boy (at least to me). We have very similar if not identical beliefs about God. I can tell that his faith is alive and active. He's always there for me when I need prayer or support. And... he's head over heels for me. We've been friends for over a year, and he's just recently "sorted out his feelings" for me and managed to ask me out. I told him we'd go on a few dates and see how things went, no commitments yet. We've been on one date, and it was nice, but...

The problem: I don't feel anything for him. I should! Any girl would be so lucky to have him! But I don't. He's not always easy to talk to, and sometimes he is sarcastic in a way that unnerves me, although it shouldn't. His interests and opinions deviate from mine significantly. But he's a great friend.

I feel like the reason I don't feel anything for him, though, is this...

Boy #2: We are so dissimilar. But he has a passion for life that I can't help but admire. He's so positive, so alive. We see life the same way, it feels like. We can talk for hours. He gives me the best butterflies... he has for about a year now. I tried to tamp those feelings down, because I thought there was no chance, but then he asked me. I said yes of course, even though I felt a bit guilty, on account of boy #1. On the date, he shyly told me he's had a thing for me for months, almost as long as I've had a thing for him.

The problem: I am nondenominational. Think... bible church. He is, in his own words, a "Cradle Catholic." ice done a lot of research, and I've realized that that comes with a lot of things. I'm pretty sure I would eventually have to join the Catholic Church if this relationship were to last. And I can't. That's out of the question.

Because of that, I've been trying to get over him for A YEAR. I don't want to sacrifice our friendship for a relationship that can't last. I need him in my life, and if I lose his friendship, not only would I destroy our friend group, but I would be so, so sad. And I almost managed to get rid of the feelings! But now they are all back and I think they're here to stay. I don't understand why God would let my heart bind me to this boy if I'm not supposed to be with him.

My Catholic boy knows all the details of this situation (because I tell him everything! We are so close! Basically my best friend!) but boy #1 does not.

So there you have it. Boy #1, if I found him in a textbook, is exactly what would be good for me, my future, and my walk with Christ. Boy #2, the love of my life... it's hard to talk about God with him, because we inevitably run into differences that are not reconcilable (or at least it feels that way).

This is nothing against Catholics!! Through this experience, I've learned a lot about the capital-C Church. I've done a lot of research. I admire you guys and I think you've got a lot of things right that my church is missing. My Catholic boy has a great relationship with God. He is devout and striving and his heart is in the right place. I just... I know that I could never be Catholic. There are certain things that I believe the capital-C Church has gotten wrong. Things I can't follow. Things I don't want to be a part of. I love my church, the spirit is alive there, and I'm fed there. I know what I believe. But I would never want this boy to change, at least not on my account! Sometimes I think his spiritual life would skyrocket if he did change. But if he ever does, it can't be for me.

If these two boys hadn't asked me at the EXACT SAME TIME, there would be no issue. But I can't keep going on dates with both of them. And whoever I let down... I'll probably lose forever.

Any advice...?

 

[High Fidelity]

You cannot and should not bend your theological beliefs to suit a partner. Our walk is our own and our beliefs are to be drawn from our own discernment. It sounds like you understand that and I hope you understand why that would prove incredibly problematic in marriage when, ultimately, your husband is the spiritual head of the house.

While #1 doesn't seem ideal, I'd say that's a better option. Option #2 is not something I'd consider or encourage.

 

[Gregory Thompson]

With this kind of thing, pray a lot.

And then pray a lot.

And then pray a lot.

Maybe attend a few special worship services in addition to regular church attendance.

And then pray a lot.

Basically, you're at the crossroads of creating one of two different universes. Ask yourself which one do you want to live in?

People change a lot in their twenties and also in their thirties, so the two boys may be entirely different people down the road as well especially if God is transforming their minds everyday.

 

[Darkhorse]

You won't like this, but...

Boy #2 is your match. The fact that you can talk freely with him and that you two resonate on an emotional level is so important. The "textbook" attributes of Boy #1 do not make a good relationship, and they can hide problems which will emerge later. The sarcasm is a red flag, and being difficult to talk with doesn't sound good either.

You didn't mention humor. Which guy has a "brand" of humor that you understand and agree with? That's always revealing.

The bad news is, Boy #2 may remain a Catholic, and if neither of you will consider changing, you're on shaky ground. You might pursue the relationship with an eye towards learning (I know, that's NOT what you're looking for), but it may not pan out into something permanent. However, the best way to recognize a good match (when they come along) is to know yourself in ways which only come from experience.

For what it's worth, my mom was in a similar situation as a teenager (a long time ago). She and her Catholic boyfriend planned on getting married, but they couldn't bridge the theological gap, which was much wider then. They did remain lifelong friends though, and they came to see that their friendship was better than their marriage would have been.

Best Wishes!

 

[SkyWriting]

If these two boys hadn't asked me at the EXACT SAME TIME, there would be no issue. But I can't keep going on dates with both of them. And whoever I let down... I'll probably lose forever.

God keeps you in mind at all times. Treat both just as you would wish to
be treated. If things don't work out, the other one will wait for you.

 

[RaymondG]

You left out a very important option:.... Neither of them! Nothing wrong with remaining single and maybe finishing up college. Nothing wrong with it just being you and God for a while.....getting close to One who has the words of Life.... If you think this to be an unimaginable thing.....that you need one of these boys as well....then lets stop all the talk of their religions and how important they are....because they arent.

And along with that, lets stop talking about how close they are to God as well...because no one can know that but God.

I say, this is all up to you. Figure out what you want and get it....and then be prepare to live with your choices after you have made them.

 

[Christie insb]

I never thought anyone would fall in love with me. Much less did I ever dream there would be two of them.

Also, I never expected myself to fall in love with anyone. Much less did I think it would be such a problem when I did...

I know this is a stupid situation. But it's a situation nonetheless, and I have no idea what to do. I just turned 20, and I'm hoping to get the opinions of some people of faith about what to do.

So boy #1: he's the sweetest, most selfless boy (at least to me). We have very similar if not identical beliefs about God. I can tell that his faith is alive and active. He's always there for me when I need prayer or support. And... he's head over heels for me. We've been friends for over a year, and he's just recently "sorted out his feelings" for me and managed to ask me out. I told him we'd go on a few dates and see how things went, no commitments yet. We've been on one date, and it was nice, but...

The problem: I don't feel anything for him. I should! Any girl would be so lucky to have him! But I don't. He's not always easy to talk to, and sometimes he is sarcastic in a way that unnerves me, although it shouldn't. His interests and opinions deviate from mine significantly. But he's a great friend.

I feel like the reason I don't feel anything for him, though, is this...

Boy #2: We are so dissimilar. But he has a passion for life that I can't help but admire. He's so positive, so alive. We see life the same way, it feels like. We can talk for hours. He gives me the best butterflies... he has for about a year now. I tried to tamp those feelings down, because I thought there was no chance, but then he asked me. I said yes of course, even though I felt a bit guilty, on account of boy #1. On the date, he shyly told me he's had a thing for me for months, almost as long as I've had a thing for him.

The problem: I am nondenominational. Think... bible church. He is, in his own words, a "Cradle Catholic." ice done a lot of research, and I've realized that that comes with a lot of things. I'm pretty sure I would eventually have to join the Catholic Church if this relationship were to last. And I can't. That's out of the question.

Because of that, I've been trying to get over him for A YEAR. I don't want to sacrifice our friendship for a relationship that can't last. I need him in my life, and if I lose his friendship, not only would I destroy our friend group, but I would be so, so sad. And I almost managed to get rid of the feelings! But now they are all back and I think they're here to stay. I don't understand why God would let my heart bind me to this boy if I'm not supposed to be with him.

My Catholic boy knows all the details of this situation (because I tell him everything! We are so close! Basically my best friend!) but boy #1 does not.

So there you have it. Boy #1, if I found him in a textbook, is exactly what would be good for me, my future, and my walk with Christ. Boy #2, the love of my life... it's hard to talk about God with him, because we inevitably run into differences that are not reconcilable (or at least it feels that way).

This is nothing against Catholics!! Through this experience, I've learned a lot about the capital-C Church. I've done a lot of research. I admire you guys and I think you've got a lot of things right that my church is missing. My Catholic boy has a great relationship with God. He is devout and striving and his heart is in the right place. I just... I know that I could never be Catholic. There are certain things that I believe the capital-C Church has gotten wrong. Things I can't follow. Things I don't want to be a part of. I love my church, the spirit is alive there, and I'm fed there. I know what I believe. But I would never want this boy to change, at least not on my account! Sometimes I think his spiritual life would skyrocket if he did change. But if he ever does, it can't be for me.

If these two boys hadn't asked me at the EXACT SAME TIME, there would be no issue. But I can't keep going on dates with both of them. And whoever I let down... I'll probably lose forever.

Any advice...?

I am in an interfaith marriage and we have had some of the worst fights of our marriage over religion. Friends of ours, though, have a Catholic/Lutheran marriage, and they have not had many problems. Of course Catholics and Lutherans are not that different these days.

I think you could marry the Catholic boy if you agreed to raise your kids Catholic. That doesn't mean they can't go to church with you too, but Catholic baptism would be part of it I think. If your church isn't actively anti-Catholic, this might be okay. There are many things Catholics agree on with us, and raising them in the capital C Church with an emphasis on a personal relationship with Christ doesn't seem like it would be confusing to the kids.

The ease of communication between the two of you also bodes well to me.

I do think there is an advantage to marrying someone with beliefs close to one's own. However, churches change, and in a short or long time, you may not feel your church is as good a fit as it is right now. I don't mean to give you advice but I guess my point of view is showing.

 

[frater_domus]

Argh! See? This is why I stay clear of denominations. A kingdom devided against itself will be brought to desolation (Matthew 12:25), and yet how many wars and conflicts have there been over differences in interpretation? If there is disagreement, people should sit down and talk it through, let God guide them to a solution. Instead, they remain convincted in their pride that only their way is the right one.

Oh well, that is a topic for another time. Anyway, let's look at your problem. One thing, when it comes to love and relationships, is to ask yourself whether it is truly love. Most of the time, what we feel is infatuation. Part of love is trust and a desire for commitment. Please do not take this the wrong way, but what I am seeing is is more akin to infatuation with the second guy. You like the passion of the second guy, yet you say yourself that the first one is a better match. It does not really strike me as love, and more as someone choosing which icecream tastes better. This is no way to make important decisions, as the 'grass is greener' problem will plague you to the end.

Older generations may disgree, but I would advice you go out with the second guy, if you feel so strongly about it, and see how it goes. Most relationships end somewhere between 10 months and a year, because this is where most issues start to become apparent. As long as you do it in a godly fashion, practice self-control and do not give in to temptation, I see no issue with dating someone to see whether the person really is as great as we imagine. Once you become more used to him, your emotions may quiet down and you will see more clearly.

Let me tell you a story. I am an archer and I went out to buy a bow. I had three choices. Being overly analytical, I went through all the options and I could not commit, because I could not find a clear winner. What did I do? I went and tried them out. Sometimes, this is the only way to know the truth. What it is important is that you mustn't be afraid to make a wrong decision. God steers and moving ship and is capable of using bad choices to bring you closer. Inaction leads to nothing, a wrong choice will be a learning experience. Do not put too much stock in relationship at this age though. Most do not last, simply because it was mere infatuation.

Love isn't something that falls out of the sky. This ain't Disney ...although, they never showed us what happened after the couple got together... Anyway, what I am trying to say is that love is something that grows over time, if nurtured. Most of all, it isn't spontaneous. It is more akin to a choice.

Above all else, do not rush it. The kingdom of heaven goes above all. You still have plenty of time. Getting a partner during or before college is a modern myth that leads to a lot of single moms and broken hearts. Pray to God for discernment and see how things develop. As Solomon said, there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. Take it in strides and avoid rash decisions that you may regret later on. There no 'one right guy'. There are many matches. If you miss this one, another may come along

 

[shrinking_violet]

This sounds like a problem that can be fixed with higher standards. If 2 boys are pining over you at the same time, then you can afford to be picky. If your standards were higher, which boy wouldn't make the cut? If they're both equally bad, wait for someone who's even better than both. Sounds to me like you won't be waiting for long.

 

[Therese Rose]

I never thought anyone would fall in love with me. Much less did I ever dream there would be two of them.

Also, I never expected myself to fall in love with anyone. Much less did I think it would be such a problem when I did...

I know this is a stupid situation. But it's a situation nonetheless, and I have no idea what to do. I just turned 20, and I'm hoping to get the opinions of some people of faith about what to do.

So boy #1: he's the sweetest, most selfless boy (at least to me). We have very similar if not identical beliefs about God. I can tell that his faith is alive and active. He's always there for me when I need prayer or support. And... he's head over heels for me. We've been friends for over a year, and he's just recently "sorted out his feelings" for me and managed to ask me out. I told him we'd go on a few dates and see how things went, no commitments yet. We've been on one date, and it was nice, but...

The problem: I don't feel anything for him. I should! Any girl would be so lucky to have him! But I don't. He's not always easy to talk to, and sometimes he is sarcastic in a way that unnerves me, although it shouldn't. His interests and opinions deviate from mine significantly. But he's a great friend.

I feel like the reason I don't feel anything for him, though, is this...

Boy #2: We are so dissimilar. But he has a passion for life that I can't help but admire. He's so positive, so alive. We see life the same way, it feels like. We can talk for hours. He gives me the best butterflies... he has for about a year now. I tried to tamp those feelings down, because I thought there was no chance, but then he asked me. I said yes of course, even though I felt a bit guilty, on account of boy #1. On the date, he shyly told me he's had a thing for me for months, almost as long as I've had a thing for him.

The problem: I am nondenominational. Think... bible church. He is, in his own words, a "Cradle Catholic." ice done a lot of research, and I've realized that that comes with a lot of things. I'm pretty sure I would eventually have to join the Catholic Church if this relationship were to last. And I can't. That's out of the question.

Because of that, I've been trying to get over him for A YEAR. I don't want to sacrifice our friendship for a relationship that can't last. I need him in my life, and if I lose his friendship, not only would I destroy our friend group, but I would be so, so sad. And I almost managed to get rid of the feelings! But now they are all back and I think they're here to stay. I don't understand why God would let my heart bind me to this boy if I'm not supposed to be with him.

My Catholic boy knows all the details of this situation (because I tell him everything! We are so close! Basically my best friend!) but boy #1 does not.

So there you have it. Boy #1, if I found him in a textbook, is exactly what would be good for me, my future, and my walk with Christ. Boy #2, the love of my life... it's hard to talk about God with him, because we inevitably run into differences that are not reconcilable (or at least it feels that way).

This is nothing against Catholics!! Through this experience, I've learned a lot about the capital-C Church. I've done a lot of research. I admire you guys and I think you've got a lot of things right that my church is missing. My Catholic boy has a great relationship with God. He is devout and striving and his heart is in the right place. I just... I know that I could never be Catholic. There are certain things that I believe the capital-C Church has gotten wrong. Things I can't follow. Things I don't want to be a part of. I love my church, the spirit is alive there, and I'm fed there. I know what I believe. But I would never want this boy to change, at least not on my account! Sometimes I think his spiritual life would skyrocket if he did change. But if he ever does, it can't be for me.

If these two boys hadn't asked me at the EXACT SAME TIME, there would be no issue. But I can't keep going on dates with both of them. And whoever I let down... I'll probably lose forever.

Any advice...?

I'll be honest, I didn't read the entire thing, but I think you know who you really like most. Also, choosing yourself for now and just figuring it out is totally okay as well. Best of luck.

 

[Afra]

I know that I could never be Catholic.

Famous last words I tell you. I hope you didn't jinx yourself into becoming Catholic.

How about just being open to the truth no matter where it leads you? That is the stance I take. Right now I am Catholic, but I would never say "I will never be Protestant".

My fiancee is a non-denominational Christian like yourself. I don't see why you would need to become Catholic, and your children do not necessarily have to be Catholic. I go to Mass every Sunday. Every once in a while my girlfriend will join me. I will generally join her at her church whenever I can. For me that means going to church twice on a lot of Sundays, but I like it. I look at it as another opportunity to worship, but in a different way.

Sure, we have had our religious run-ins, but you can make it work. You just have to focus on the things that you have in common, and be respectful and supportive of the other person's walk.