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Featured I miss my husband... I wonder what happened to him and was my whole marriage based on a lie.

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by Hannah66, Sep 8, 2019.

  1. Hannah66

    Hannah66 Member

    41
    +39
    Baptist
    i was married in 1998 to my husband. I adored him and felt as though he was a true Gift from God. I had prayed for him for many years.

    We had a few rocky starts as he was previously (before becoming saved) addicted to drugs. But God did an amazing work in his life. I felt as though God used me in his life to overcome all of these challenges.
    He got into Prison Ministry work and I was also a part of this. It was wonderful.

    However, we faced a lot of challenges and heartaches in our marriage. We struggled with infertility and lost our baby in miscarriage two years after trying. I was so heartbroken! I struggled with depression after this and the fertility drugs left me with a chronic illness.

    We also lost my husband's brother in a balcony fall from our apartment that we had rented. And in 2011, my husband's father was in a nursing home fire where the nurse set fire to the home. He passed away from complications of smoke inhalation.

    My mother was also very ill and I was one of her main carers so there was a lot of time spent helping her. My husband did help me which was a blessing.

    In 2015, my husband's brothers went to prison at different times for very serious crimes. My husband felt as though God had abandoned him.

    One brother(of my husband's) had came to live with us (on bail). He was with us for six months awaiting prison. He was very obsessed with Japan/anime/occult/demonic worship/Hitler/Marilyn Manson. He wore black the entire time he was here and spent a lot of time in his room.
    We showed in Christ's love. (He had been baptised about 10years ago, giving his heart to the Lord) but now on drugs and into occult/demonic stuff. Very sad to see.
    He went to jail for four months. I wonder if a door was open when he was in our home or he had influenced my husband.

    In October 2015, my mother died. I was so heartbroken. But five months later, my husband abandoned me. He virtually walked out the door when I wasn't looking. I was traumatised. He was getting ready to go overseas to Japan to meet his girlfriend who he met online. I had no idea. So, when he was still married to me, he had put himself on a dating site looking for his dream girl. I always thought that was me, but, sadly not.
    I didn't even know my husband loved Japan. It seemed to come out of no-where!

    He never told me he had a girlfriend overseas. He left just before our 18th wedding anniversary and I discovered they had booked a motel on our wedding anniversary, so he celebrated it with her. I was crushed.

    Our pastor was trying to talk to him and asked him if he had another woman overseas. He denied it.

    The long story short, he turned into someone I didn't know. He was angry with me and blamed me for his unhappiness. He failed to see that I had been a loving, supportive wife through all of the tragedies in our life, his brother's death, his father's death and the other brothers who had gone to prison for serious crimes.
    I thought we were best friends. Apparently, not. I am not sure who I was in the relationship?

    We lost our home early 2018 and he had made previous threats to me to sell it. He even called the Police on me shortly after he abandoned me as I had sent too many text messages one day.
    His behaviour became more bizarre. The r/ship with this Japanese woman didn't last. He continued to have numerous r/ships with other women, mainly in Japan while still married to me. He even paid for hostesses in Japan.

    The last few years of my life have been a nightmare but I continue to follow God.

    My husband sent me an email on our wedding anniversary 2018(it would have been 20 years). He said this was a significant day in our life.
    The next day he sent another email telling me he had filed for divorce and I would get the paperwork in the mail that day. I was shocked!

    I had prayed for many years for restoration and believed God wanted me to stand for our marriage. I didn't sign the divorce papers. I am Australian and we have to wait 12 months before filing.
    He served me again and I didn't sign. But the divorce still went through.

    He never felt any remorse or sorrow in these years. I told him it had hurt me that he was running around with women while still being legally married to me. He told me it was "none of my business". I reminded him that God hates adultery and divorce. He said he was willing to stand before God.

    I was still grieving the death of my mum and now I had no husband. My church family were not that supportive and people blamed me.

    I don't really have family around me so the past few years have been lonely. But I still love God and found my relationship with him has gotten closer.

    My former husband will still contact me by email to ask how I am. He also tells me how he is. I found out he has remarried but he has never told me. If I was to ask him, he might deny it, or get angry with me and call the police.(he doesn't like me knowing about his business)

    I still pray for him. I still love him. He was my best friend and a supportive husband. Sure, we had our issues and a lot of heartache through loss and tragedy.

    He sent me an email a month ago asking how I was and he told me he had been sick with the flu. He went on to say he was going to Japan for a long holiday.
    He finished the email by saying, "you are always in my prayers". He said that God had placed me on his heart.

    Our cat died (sadly) the other day and I let him know. He said he was sad but was unable to help me bury him as he was too busy. He then said "don't send me too many emails about this as it stresses me".

    He is now in Japan and very much into visiting shrines and possibly interested in Buddhism.
    I am heartbroken. I saw God work amazingly in his life. He had an amazing testimony that God was able to use.

    I just wonder. Is he truly saved? Is he a prodigal? He has no remorse or sorrow for committing adultery(ies) dumping me after my mother died and leaving me with a big mess, a mortgage, etc.
    I still battle with chronic illness and a visual disability so I don't drive.
    He doesn't care that I have often had to walk home in the dark and exposed to danger.I know God is taking care of me.

    If he is truly born again, how is it that he is not repenting/responding to the convicton of the Holy Spirit?
    WAs my whole marriage a lie?
    I discover that this man, who worshipped God with me, prayed with me, is now obsessed with Japan, and everything Japanese..even now (possibly) Buddhism. He doesn't care about his mother or his siblings much now and even lost contact with old friends.

    Some people say it's a mid-life crisis as his wife is so much younger then him(possibly young enough to be our own child)

    God has me praying for him though. He is on my heart everyday.

    I am getting on with my life, though.

    I just feel as though my whole life with him must have been a lie and he must be a con-artist, a narcissist, sociopath?

    I don't want to remarry and believe that my marriage was a Covenant marriage.




    I have forgiven him and even his wife. It would be great to see them come to the Lord.
    I also heard they are trying to have a baby. (That's been painful to hear) I don't want harm to come about them. They have a very happy life.

    What could have happened to him? Mental illness? Sin of a prodigal or a man that was never truly saved? And he seems to be very happy and very successful...travel, good jobs, financial security.


    Sorry this post is long and my thoughts a little all over the place.
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2019
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  2. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie Supporter

    +6,963
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Prayers, dear. You sound like an awesome wife, and wonderful person. I agree that your marriage was and is valid.

    Some men and women have mental and spiritual break-down. We can all choose to disobey Christ, and walk away, sadly. God has given us free will. I don't believe in once saved always saved, nor in salvation being is / or. It's a journey.

    You could remind your husband, via e-mail, that you see your marriage as valid, as does God, and that if you, yourself, would be willing to reconcile, that he can still come home.

    You sound like an amazingly forgiving person. God bless you, dear.
     
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  3. Lost4words

    Lost4words In reality, an old dog! Supporter

    +3,736
    United Kingdom
    Catholic
    Single
    Move on as best you can.

    You really need to try and forget him. This is a tough cross to carry for you.

    May God wrap His healing arms around you and guide you to true happiness.

    God bless you.
     
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  4. Christ is Lord

    Christ is Lord Active Member

    326
    +213
    Virgin Islands, British
    Christian
    Single
    I am so sorry to learn that you've had such a troubled life and the situation with your husband sounds horrible. I pray that Jesus may heal your broken heart and comfort you.
     
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  5. ~Zao~

    ~Zao~ Great is Thy Faithfulness Supporter

    +859
    Canada
    Christian
    Private
    That’s a sad story. God does give and He does take away is what I came away with. You have beautiful awesome memories of your lover and best friend. Spiritual death seems to have come to him, when he allowed his soul-life to rule. Very sad.
     
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  6. David Cabrera

    David Cabrera Catechumen

    +3,264
    Ecuador
    Christian
    Single
    US-Republican
    I admire how you could pass through all of that. Are you still in the same church?
    I know what your husband did was terrible but I would worry about him falling in God's judgment. Lord have mercy on his soul!
     
  7. Hannah66

    Hannah66 Member

    41
    +39
    Baptist
    I have been praying for him for three years. No, I am not in the same church. When I asked for prayer and support, it was not given to me. Biblically, they should have come to visit him to warn him but they didn't. I felt as though they let me and him down. I am careful who I share this story with now. Our pastor from a previous church believes he is saved but fallen away. My former husband doesn't want to hear about Christianity but he says that he prays for me. I am not sure what god he prays to. I find myself going into battle for him everyday in prayer. My faith has gotten stronger. Thank you. If you want to pray for him, please do, his name is Terrence. Thank you
     
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  8. David Cabrera

    David Cabrera Catechumen

    +3,264
    Ecuador
    Christian
    Single
    US-Republican
    Also, I don't believe your marriage was based on a lie, but that he failed to remain in God and let difficulties affect him, trust me, that happens to a lot of people.
     
  9. Hannah66

    Hannah66 Member

    41
    +39
    Baptist
    Thank you. l guess the enemy is trying to convince me otherwise. I've just noticed he's become very immature and behaving like a twenty year old rather a middle-aged man. It's sad :(
     
  10. eleos1954

    eleos1954 God is Love Supporter

    +1,888
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    US-Others
    You are truly blessed with great faith and strength through the Lord ... I'm amazed ;o)

    Personally, I think it best not to question whether a person is/was or will be saved ... that's the Lords business.

    What came over him? Who knows?

    You are still with the Lord and moving on with your life and that is wonderful ... don't look back ... look forward.

    May the Lord bless you. Amen.
     
  11. Johan_1988

    Johan_1988 Member

    148
    +87
    South Africa
    Pentecostal
    Single
    Hi, your story is not an uncommon one. People give in to the devil and the pressures of life and give up their faith. I don't believe your marriage was a lie. It was all true ,your husband just gave up on faith in Christ and you ,which was very selfish and foolish of him. We don't know all the answers to life ,but all I can say is hold on dear. God will give you complete peace about it eventually and maybe even understand why you had to go through it. I haven't experienced you situation personally ,but I know what heartache is. Crying day in and out ,praying to God for a miraculous recovery and have experienced his help and comfort and restoration, not that the past was undone ,but that I have received a new life in my current situation.

    May God bless you and keep you and may his comfort fill you even as you are currently facing hardships in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen
     
  12. dailyprayerwarrior

    dailyprayerwarrior New Member

    16
    +16
    United States
    Pentecostal
    Married
    Thank you for courageously sharing your struggle. I am praying for you right now! :prayer:
     
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  13. Willing-heart

    Willing-heart In Christ Alone. Supporter

    428
    +473
    United Kingdom
    Christian
    Single
    “For our light afflictions which is but for a moment works for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.”

    “Not only is all your affliction momentary, not only is all your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there. But all of it is totally meaningful. Every millisecond of your pain, from the fallen nature or the fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the part of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that. Therefore, do not lose heart. Of course, you can’t see what it’s doing. Don’t look to what is seen. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for.” – John Piper.

     
  14. Hannah66

    Hannah66 Member

    41
    +39
    Baptist
    Thank YOU!!
     
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  15. A_Thinker

    A_Thinker Well-Known Member Supporter

    +3,849
    Christian
    Married
    Your husband was struck with a series of life blows ... from which he seemingly never recovered.

    He has fled his former life. He didn't flee so much from you, but from the pain he sustained in that life. In taking the path that he has, he has caused additional grief to you and likely many others who loved him.

    Although he still seems to hear God's voice, ... I doubt that he is ready to face the pain that he has caused. This is something only God can work out with him.

    Please go on to make the most of your life.
     
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  16. paul1149

    paul1149 that your faith might rest in the power of God Supporter

    +3,330
    United States
    Christian
    Private
    US-Republican
    Dear Hannah,

    Sorry you're going through this. May the Lord continue to guard and provide, and give peace and understanding.

    Here is how I see it.

    It doesn't seem plausible that all those years of fellowship and ministry were not genuine. It's easy when something like this happens to take it personally and to think that it was all a lie, but while we always play a part in things it is each person's responsibility to make his own choices, and I don't see anything to make me believe he was living a lie back then.

    More likely, he was overwhelmed with circumstances didn't have adequate faith resources to deal with them correctly. If you look at the parable of the sower, four soil types are given. One is so hard nothing can grow. One is excellent soil. One is good soil but poorly tended, so that weeds grow. And one is good but shallow soil. I tend to think that this is a case of the shallow soil. Your husband hit rock and couldn't put down deeper roots.

    The form of faith he is exhibiting now seems to me to be a facade. Otherwise, he would genuinely repent and admit his error to you. I doubt I would be interested in supporting that theater, since it would only confirm his delusions.

    You have every Biblical right to let go of this marriage and let your peace return to yourself. If then the Holy Spirit leads you to continue praying for him, that is a beautiful thing. But your wellbeing shouldn't depend on it, except possibly in the sense of being obedient to God's leading.
     
  17. Redwingfan9

    Redwingfan9 Active Member

    337
    +207
    United States
    Reformed
    Married
    I see no reason to believe he was saved and likely never was. Your best bet is to continue to pray for him but otherwise move on with your life. You can't control him and you shouldn't let him control you at this point by obsessing over him.
     
  18. Emmylouwho

    Emmylouwho Member

    193
    +30
    United States
    Christian Seeker
    Widowed
    If you two don’t have children, I can see no reason to waste your time worrying about this guy. I wonder if you feel that the time you invested into this relationship MUST result in a positive outcome, or else you have failed. You haven’t. He is not Worthy of you. You deserve better.
     
  19. Hannah66

    Hannah66 Member

    41
    +39
    Baptist
    We are parents. We carried a baby but lost them through miscarriage. I still care about him. I do still honour my vows. Whether we had children or not. Thanks for your reply.
     
  20. Hannah66

    Hannah66 Member

    41
    +39
    Baptist
    So, do you think, just because we had no children, I should just forget about him and find someone who deserves me?
    We are parents. We carried a baby but sadly lost them.
    I honour my vows and my covenant marriage. It's not something I can just dismiss. And what difference does it make that we had no children? Does that make our marriage any less value?

    this guy? My husband.
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2019
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