I know I keep going back and forth between thinking I'm a Christian and thinking I'm not one. And between posting in "OCD" and posting in "Struggles by non-Christians." That's the way it goes for me.
I may have two big problems, not just one. One problem is my OCD, which, if I am a Christian, makes me doubt my salvation. But the other problem may be that I really am not a Christian, that I am outside the kingdom of heaven.
My problem has multiple facets. One is this kind of thing, for example: I can latch onto a verse such as "He who would come to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek for Him." I can think of this verse, and start repeating it over and over. As I repeat it, I cycle between starting to seriously respond to it and beginning to try to diligently seek for God/Jesus, and then just repeating it as a chant, kind of as if it were a mantra. I cease from seriously trying to diligently seek for God after seconds, and just continue repeating the words. Then I realize this, and go back to seriously seeking for a few seconds, then slip into mantra-mode again.
Do I really want God/Jesus? I don't want to go to hell. I want eternal life. But I am lazy and have a tendency to start doing something, then, when it becomes difficult, to give up and stop it. I start reaching for salvation, then realize that it's not going to be easy to obtain. Then, I just figure salvation is out of reach, and I stop striving. But I also have a permanent realization of the consequences of not being saved. So i make another go at it, which, again, does not succeed.
I do ask for prayer.
Also, let me add this: I do various things, such as repeatedly looking up the "Romans Road to Salvation," or seeking out conversion-to-Christ testimonies on the internet. I seek testimonies that go into detail about the moment of salvation. That's because I am obsessed with the moment of salvation. I guess that's because, I figure, if one can have a real, good, genuine moment of salvation, then they can be sure they're saved after that. And then they can just take it easy, right? Like, I said, I'm lazy. Jesus could say to me "You lazy and wicked servant! By your own words I will judge you."
For someone to keep up the Christian walk their entire life, they must be born again. I used to read and get really bothered over John 3. That's about the new birth. I would be bothered because I know no one can "birth" themselves. This gets into election vs. free will. I would wonder, maybe I'm not of the elect. But I have come to realize that election and free will are two sides of the same supernatural coin, which we cannot figure out. Trying to figure out election vs. free will is like trying to figure out the Trinity. We cannot. It has to do with characteristics of God which are beyond our comprehension. The advice I have learned is: Do not fret about election. You can't do anything about that. Concentrate on the free will side of the coin, wherein, God and the Bible say, "Repent!"
I may have two big problems, not just one. One problem is my OCD, which, if I am a Christian, makes me doubt my salvation. But the other problem may be that I really am not a Christian, that I am outside the kingdom of heaven.
My problem has multiple facets. One is this kind of thing, for example: I can latch onto a verse such as "He who would come to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek for Him." I can think of this verse, and start repeating it over and over. As I repeat it, I cycle between starting to seriously respond to it and beginning to try to diligently seek for God/Jesus, and then just repeating it as a chant, kind of as if it were a mantra. I cease from seriously trying to diligently seek for God after seconds, and just continue repeating the words. Then I realize this, and go back to seriously seeking for a few seconds, then slip into mantra-mode again.
Do I really want God/Jesus? I don't want to go to hell. I want eternal life. But I am lazy and have a tendency to start doing something, then, when it becomes difficult, to give up and stop it. I start reaching for salvation, then realize that it's not going to be easy to obtain. Then, I just figure salvation is out of reach, and I stop striving. But I also have a permanent realization of the consequences of not being saved. So i make another go at it, which, again, does not succeed.
I do ask for prayer.
Also, let me add this: I do various things, such as repeatedly looking up the "Romans Road to Salvation," or seeking out conversion-to-Christ testimonies on the internet. I seek testimonies that go into detail about the moment of salvation. That's because I am obsessed with the moment of salvation. I guess that's because, I figure, if one can have a real, good, genuine moment of salvation, then they can be sure they're saved after that. And then they can just take it easy, right? Like, I said, I'm lazy. Jesus could say to me "You lazy and wicked servant! By your own words I will judge you."
For someone to keep up the Christian walk their entire life, they must be born again. I used to read and get really bothered over John 3. That's about the new birth. I would be bothered because I know no one can "birth" themselves. This gets into election vs. free will. I would wonder, maybe I'm not of the elect. But I have come to realize that election and free will are two sides of the same supernatural coin, which we cannot figure out. Trying to figure out election vs. free will is like trying to figure out the Trinity. We cannot. It has to do with characteristics of God which are beyond our comprehension. The advice I have learned is: Do not fret about election. You can't do anything about that. Concentrate on the free will side of the coin, wherein, God and the Bible say, "Repent!"
