I married an unbeliever

[MellowEsile]

My husband of almost two years is not a Christian and our marriage is really struggling.
background:
We decided to date after 4 years of friendship and I moved straight in with him, pregnant three months later, then at 7 months we moved across the country to start a business. I was just coming out of atheism and experimenting with new age teachings. We both grew up in very Mormon homes which pushed us both away, far away, from the bible and Christ. I obviously went to the extreme. After I had our daughter around 6 months I started finding my self drawn to God and His word. Next thing I know I am being baptized months later then a few months after that we got married. I was a baby Christian and didn't have an understanding of the trials we would face.
Now I am pregnant with twins which doesn't help with my emotions, we have a toddler, and I feel so distant from my husband. Our sex life is dead, my husband lives a very different lifestyle drinking, smoking, and I know has some resentment toward me. When I was in the beginning stages of my conversion he was so bitter and didn't hardly talk to me for months. I know is anger comes from not feeling good enough to be my husband since we have a religious background and he knows its important for a couple to have a spiritual bond which we just don't. I try so hard to be patient and kind and have really struggled on my end feeling so lonely and sad, I am certainly no saint and have my shortcomings in our marriage.
I have no intention to leave him but I ask for advice on how to be a loving wife and work on my patience. I pray for him daily, I ask you pray for him as well! I have faith in Gods plan for us but am not sure how to bring life back into our marriage when we have become two different people with different habits, hobbies, and ideals. He doesn't like my faith in God providing when we struggle and I inwardly sob and withdrawal more. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I'm so hurt and struggling inwardly and hate seeing that slowly finding its way to the surface now. I want to be a good wife. Sorry for the novel...thanks for taking the time to read.

 

[Stringfellow_Hawke]

I'm not going to pretend I have an answer because I don't. I'm sorry I can't be more help. However, you are in my prayers and I will listen any time you want me to. I may not answer right away so don't think I'm ignoring. God bless.

 

[Jane_Doe]

Have you two attended martial counseling to better understand and respect each other?

 

[faroukfarouk]

My husband of almost two years is not a Christian and our marriage is really struggling.
background:
We decided to date after 4 years of friendship and I moved straight in with him, pregnant three months later, then at 7 months we moved across the country to start a business. I was just coming out of atheism and experimenting with new age teachings. We both grew up in very Mormon homes which pushed us both away, far away, from the bible and Christ. I obviously went to the extreme. After I had our daughter around 6 months I started finding my self drawn to God and His word. Next thing I know I am being baptized months later then a few months after that we got married. I was a baby Christian and didn't have an understanding of the trials we would face.
Now I am pregnant with twins which doesn't help with my emotions, we have a toddler, and I feel so distant from my husband. Our sex life is dead, my husband lives a very different lifestyle drinking, smoking, and I know has some resentment toward me. When I was in the beginning stages of my conversion he was so bitter and didn't hardly talk to me for months. I know is anger comes from not feeling good enough to be my husband since we have a religious background and he knows its important for a couple to have a spiritual bond which we just don't. I try so hard to be patient and kind and have really struggled on my end feeling so lonely and sad, I am certainly no saint and have my shortcomings in our marriage.
I have no intention to leave him but I ask for advice on how to be a loving wife and work on my patience. I pray for him daily, I ask you pray for him as well! I have faith in Gods plan for us but am not sure how to bring life back into our marriage when we have become two different people with different habits, hobbies, and ideals. He doesn't like my faith in God providing when we struggle and I inwardly sob and withdrawal more. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I'm so hurt and struggling inwardly and hate seeing that slowly finding its way to the surface now. I want to be a good wife. Sorry for the novel...thanks for taking the time to read.

Hi; good to see you.

Amidst the myriad issues, the framework of personal - and if possible joint - daily Bible reading and prayer must be a step in the right direction.

Hope the birth soon goes well.

 

[MellowEsile]

Have you two attended martial counseling to better understand and respect each other?

I have tried bringing up therapy and he won't hear it, he things things are just fine and that we need to talk out our issues on our own only it hardly happens and after talks he says will will do better and there is never a change. I will have to try to bring it up again in hopes he will finally agree. I would definitely like to give marriage counseling a try I think it could help with some issues tremendously and hopefully get him to speak with me more and voice his own needs. I'm more than willing to listen.

 

[Jane_Doe]

I have tried bringing up therapy and he won't hear it, he things things are just fine and that we need to talk out our issues on our own only it hardly happens and after talks he says will will do better and there is never a change. I will have to try to bring it up again in hopes he will finally agree. I would definitely like to give marriage counseling a try I think it could help with some issues tremendously and hopefully get him to speak with me more and voice his own needs. I'm more than willing to listen.

Prayer fo that.

If he does refuse to do martial counseling, individual counseling for you can still be a very good thing to help you through this hard time.

 

[MellowEsile]

Hi; good to see you.

Amidst the myriad issues, the framework of personal - and if possible joint - daily Bible reading and prayer must be a step in the right direction.

Hope the birth soon goes well.

He won't do any reading with me. He says he doesn't understand and doesn't want me explaining...though he will now pray with my daughter and I when I put her to bed, or at least sit on the same room. He works very hard for our family which I am so grateful for though he uses that as an excuse and says he will read the bible when he gets older and has time. I do often get drunken promises but those of course go away as he sobers up. I certainly won't stop trying and am very gentle about it. I try very hard to not put too much pressure since it only pushes him further away.

Thank you xo it will be a difficult birth but we are so so blessed to have two babies on the way after loss.

 

[faroukfarouk]

He won't do any reading with me. He says he doesn't understand and doesn't want me explaining...though he will now pray with my daughter and I when I put her to bed, or at least sit on the same room. He works very hard for our family which I am so grateful for though he uses that as an excuse and says he will read the bible when he gets older and has time. I do often get drunken promises but those of course go away as he sobers up. I certainly won't stop trying and am very gentle about it. I try very hard to not put too much pressure since it only pushes him further away.

Thank you xo it will be a difficult birth but we are so so blessed to have two babies on the way after loss.

So sorry to learn of your having lost one previously.

For all of us it's good to persevere in the Bible reading and prayer, right? My wife and I don't have any kids (we married at an age when it was unlikely that it would happen) but certainly the influence of daily prayer and God's Word can be an immense blessing to children coming into the world and growing up. Paul also says in 1 Corinthians 7.14: "For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife": with God's grace, patience and prayer, this may also happen in your case.

 

[RestoreTheJoy]

My husband of almost two years is not a Christian and our marriage is really struggling.
background:
We decided to date after 4 years of friendship and I moved straight in with him, pregnant three months later, then at 7 months we moved across the country to start a business. I was just coming out of atheism and experimenting with new age teachings. We both grew up in very Mormon homes which pushed us both away, far away, from the bible and Christ. I obviously went to the extreme. After I had our daughter around 6 months I started finding my self drawn to God and His word. Next thing I know I am being baptized months later then a few months after that we got married. I was a baby Christian and didn't have an understanding of the trials we would face.
Now I am pregnant with twins which doesn't help with my emotions, we have a toddler, and I feel so distant from my husband. Our sex life is dead, my husband lives a very different lifestyle drinking, smoking, and I know has some resentment toward me. When I was in the beginning stages of my conversion he was so bitter and didn't hardly talk to me for months. I know is anger comes from not feeling good enough to be my husband since we have a religious background and he knows its important for a couple to have a spiritual bond which we just don't. I try so hard to be patient and kind and have really struggled on my end feeling so lonely and sad, I am certainly no saint and have my shortcomings in our marriage.
I have no intention to leave him but I ask for advice on how to be a loving wife and work on my patience. I pray for him daily, I ask you pray for him as well! I have faith in Gods plan for us but am not sure how to bring life back into our marriage when we have become two different people with different habits, hobbies, and ideals. He doesn't like my faith in God providing when we struggle and I inwardly sob and withdrawal more. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I'm so hurt and struggling inwardly and hate seeing that slowly finding its way to the surface now. I want to be a good wife. Sorry for the novel...thanks for taking the time to read.

I'm sorry.

This didn't start out well, but all things are possible to he (or she) who believes.

Ask the Lord to change what you cannot change. You are also going through a lot emotionally anyway - apart from this - with the toddler and the pregnancy! Sounds like you are doing what you can.

Hang in there. Eph 6:13: Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.

 

[RestoreTheJoy]

He won't do any reading with me. He says he doesn't understand and doesn't want me explaining...though he will now pray with my daughter and I when I put her to bed, or at least sit on the same room. He works very hard for our family which I am so grateful for though he uses that as an excuse and says he will read the bible when he gets older and has time. I do often get drunken promises but those of course go away as he sobers up. I certainly won't stop trying and am very gentle about it. I try very hard to not put too much pressure since it only pushes him further away.

Thank you xo it will be a difficult birth but we are so so blessed to have two babies on the way after loss.

Those are positive signs! He is running from the truth, but it won't be long.

 

[mkgal1]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through....I'm praying that you find wisdom.

A couple of things that stand out to me are these quotes of yours:

Our sex life is dead, my husband lives a very different lifestyle drinking, smoking, and I know has some resentment toward me. When I was in the beginning stages of my conversion he was so bitter and didn't hardly talk to me for months. I know is anger comes from not feeling good enough to be my husband since we have a religious background and he knows its important for a couple to have a spiritual bond which we just don't.

and after talks he says will will do better and there is never a change.

When you say "he says he will do better and there is never a change"....what specifically are you asking for him to change?

 

[Tree of Life]

My husband of almost two years is not a Christian and our marriage is really struggling.
background:
We decided to date after 4 years of friendship and I moved straight in with him, pregnant three months later, then at 7 months we moved across the country to start a business. I was just coming out of atheism and experimenting with new age teachings. We both grew up in very Mormon homes which pushed us both away, far away, from the bible and Christ. I obviously went to the extreme. After I had our daughter around 6 months I started finding my self drawn to God and His word. Next thing I know I am being baptized months later then a few months after that we got married. I was a baby Christian and didn't have an understanding of the trials we would face.
Now I am pregnant with twins which doesn't help with my emotions, we have a toddler, and I feel so distant from my husband. Our sex life is dead, my husband lives a very different lifestyle drinking, smoking, and I know has some resentment toward me. When I was in the beginning stages of my conversion he was so bitter and didn't hardly talk to me for months. I know is anger comes from not feeling good enough to be my husband since we have a religious background and he knows its important for a couple to have a spiritual bond which we just don't. I try so hard to be patient and kind and have really struggled on my end feeling so lonely and sad, I am certainly no saint and have my shortcomings in our marriage.
I have no intention to leave him but I ask for advice on how to be a loving wife and work on my patience. I pray for him daily, I ask you pray for him as well! I have faith in Gods plan for us but am not sure how to bring life back into our marriage when we have become two different people with different habits, hobbies, and ideals. He doesn't like my faith in God providing when we struggle and I inwardly sob and withdrawal more. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I'm so hurt and struggling inwardly and hate seeing that slowly finding its way to the surface now. I want to be a good wife. Sorry for the novel...thanks for taking the time to read.

God has called you to a difficult situation. The cross that you must daily bear here is heavy. But Jesus is with you and has borne a heavier cross for your sake.

God calls us to remain in whatever situation we are when he called us (1 Corinthians 7:17, 20). This doesn't mean that you should remain in sin or anything like that. But you should remain in your marriage so far as it depends upon you. Paul says that if an unbelieving husband consents to live with you, that you should remain (1 Corinthians 7:13). "Who knows," says Paul, "God might use you to convert your husband!" So if you tell your husband: "My #1 commitment in life is to my Lord Jesus Christ. He has my greatest loyalty. Can you live with that?" If the husband cannot live with this, then he is free to go and you are not bound to him. But if he can live with your commitment to Christ, then you should stay with him.

Being in a mixed marriage like this is a very difficult cross to bear. Your calling is to submit to his leadership so far as you are able. Submit to the good things that he leads your family into, but don't submit to him leading you into sin. Honor your husband by submitting to his leadership insofar as you can. This kind of behavior will soften his heart and even open up his heart to the gospel. Pray for him. Pray that God would change him. Don't try to change him yourself. You can't. Only God can gloriously convert him. So don't be bitter or mad at him because he's not a Christian. Accept that fact, yet pray that God would gloriously convert him.

Then be a good wife, love him, pray for him, try to speak truth to him, represent Christ to him. See what God does. God might convert him! But also, God might not. Either way, God will turn everything for your good - even if your marriage ends up being very difficult. May God give you the grace to bear this cross throughout life!

 

[mkgal1]

Don't try to change him yourself. You can't. Only God can gloriously convert him. So don't be bitter or mad at him because he's not a Christian. Accept that fact, yet pray that God would gloriously convert him.

I agree with this.

 

[MellowEsile]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through....I'm praying that you find wisdom.

A couple of things that stand out to me are these quotes of yours:




When you say "he says he will do better and there is never a change"....what specifically are you asking for him to change?

I have asked him to get off his phone and spend time with us as a family, he is literally glued to it and wont acknowledge a word I say just watch video after video from the time he gets home to bed. We very very rarely talk and when I do talk he completely ignores me and scrolls through facebook We have zero communication, no connection or relationship. I've also asked him to quit or cut down smoking especially since it makes me very ill pregnant and I throw up every time he walks in from smoking. He thankfully smokes outside but still brings in the cloud surrounding him. We also can't afford the $300 a month he spends on cigarettes. I haven't pushed him about smoking pot (legal here) and drinking which is also costly, I don't want to totally bombard him. The biggest of them all constantly leaving us just doing whatever he pleases leaving me, on modified bedrest with a toddler, I even had to pack the majority of our house for the move when I wasn't supposed to and couldn't move end of the day from excruciating pain. I am very patient and don't say much and happy to let him go out but when he disappears for hours at a time and I'm in pain unable to move I need him. I do not push his relationship with the Lord for I know I cannot change his heart, only God can so concerning that I pray and pray and pray.

 

[Jane_Doe]

I have asked him to get off his phone and spend time with us as a family, he is literally glued to it and wont acknowledge a word I say just watch video after video from the time he gets home to bed. We very very rarely talk and when I do talk he completely ignores me and scrolls through facebook We have zero communication, no connection or relationship. I've also asked him to quit or cut down smoking especially since it makes me very ill pregnant and I throw up every time he walks in from smoking. He thankfully smokes outside but still brings in the cloud surrounding him. We also can't afford the $300 a month he spends on cigarettes. I haven't pushed him about smoking pot (legal here) and drinking which is also costly, I don't want to totally bombard him. The biggest of them all constantly leaving us just doing whatever he pleases leaving me, on modified bedrest with a toddler, I even had to pack the majority of our house for the move when I wasn't supposed to and couldn't move end of the day from excruciating pain. I am very patient and don't say much and happy to let him go out but when he disappears for hours at a time and I'm in pain unable to move I need him. I do not push his relationship with the Lord for I know I cannot change his heart, only God can so concerning that I pray and pray and pray.

My heart goes out to you! Prayers.

Honestly this sounds doesn't sound like a faith-centered disagreement, but more him being a horrible husband on anyone's scale (like I can't see an atheist approving of his behavior at all).

 

[MellowEsile]

God has called you to a difficult situation. The cross that you must daily bear here is heavy. But Jesus is with you and has borne a heavier cross for your sake.

God calls us to remain in whatever situation we are when he called us (1 Corinthians 7:17, 20). This doesn't mean that you should remain in sin or anything like that. But you should remain in your marriage so far as it depends upon you. Paul says that if an unbelieving husband consents to live with you, that you should remain (1 Corinthians 7:13). "Who knows," says Paul, "God might use you to convert your husband!" So if you tell your husband: "My #1 commitment in life is to my Lord Jesus Christ. He has my greatest loyalty. Can you live with that?" If the husband cannot live with this, then he is free to go and you are not bound to him. But if he can live with your commitment to Christ, then you should stay with him.

Being in a mixed marriage like this is a very difficult cross to bear. Your calling is to submit to his leadership so far as you are able. Submit to the good things that he leads your family into, but don't submit to him leading you into sin. Honor your husband by submitting to his leadership insofar as you can. This kind of behavior will soften his heart and even open up his heart to the gospel. Pray for him. Pray that God would change him. Don't try to change him yourself. You can't. Only God can gloriously convert him. So don't be bitter or mad at him because he's not a Christian. Accept that fact, yet pray that God would gloriously convert him.

Then be a good wife, love him, pray for him, try to speak truth to him, represent Christ to him. See what God does. God might convert him! But also, God might not. Either way, God will turn everything for your good - even if your marriage ends up being very difficult. May God give you the grace to bear this cross throughout life!

Thank you for your words xo I absolutely agree on only God can change his heart. The cross I bear is certainly heavy. I'm am surrounded by temptation but praise God He gives me the strength to carry through the day and be an example. I quit smoking cigs, pot, and drinking only but His grace and help.
i definitely do my best as a wife but feel so heavy at times. I slowly have seen Gods hand at work and have faith in His plan whatever it ultimately may be. I yearn for a close relationship with my husband and for there to be love where there is none. I truly love him and will honor my promise to him and do as God asks and stay true to my husband and stay in this marriage. My husband finally has accepted my love for Christ and can live with iso here I am. I guess today, the last week, has been harder than normal with over the top pregnancy hormones that do not help. Scripture and hearing from brothers and sisters in Christ, along with prayer, is so uplifting in these trials.

 

[mkgal1]

Esile~ Do you have someone that can help you with your toddler? I agree with Jane_Doe.....I doubt anyone would consider this acceptable (and it seems to have NOTHING to do with faith/religion). It seems to me that your focus should be on gaining outside support for yourself and your child (because it doesn't seem he's hearing your reasonable requests).

 

[MellowEsile]

My heart goes out to you! Prayers.

Honestly this sounds doesn't sound like a faith-centered disagreement, but more him being a horrible husband on anyone's scale (like I can't see an atheist approving of his behavior at all).

The two tie together. The spiritual struggle I have really had to become more patient with especially with the understanding from my own conversion. Boy was I a nasty one and very far gone! It took a very special set of circumstances and hearing/feeling God call me. I am more vocal with some of our every day struggles but not often. Prayer has been my greatest weapon and bible study my greatest comfort reading the Lords word. I deeply just want for us to be a family that prays and worships the Lord together and where most of the hurt comes from. Marriage is some tough stuff but I love him and wont ever give up on us as I rely on Gods comfort, peace, and help.

 

[MellowEsile]

My heart goes out to you! Prayers.

Honestly this sounds doesn't sound like a faith-centered disagreement, but more him being a horrible husband on anyone's scale (like I can't see an atheist approving of his behavior at all).

And ty so much for your prayers, means more than I could express through words. God bless.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Thank you for your words xo I absolutely agree on only God can change his heart. The cross I bear is certainly heavy. I'm am surrounded by temptation but praise God He gives me the strength to carry through the day and be an example. I quit smoking cigs, pot, and drinking only but His grace and help.
i definitely do my best as a wife but feel so heavy at times. I slowly have seen Gods hand at work and have faith in His plan whatever it ultimately may be. I yearn for a close relationship with my husband and for there to be love where there is none. I truly love him and will honor my promise to him and do as God asks and stay true to my husband and stay in this marriage. My husband finally has accepted my love for Christ and can live with iso here I am. I guess today, the last week, has been harder than normal with over the top pregnancy hormones that do not help. Scripture and hearing from brothers and sisters in Christ, along with prayer, is so uplifting in these trials.

Great that you are helped and encouraged by other fellow believers. You can reckon that one day you yourself will also be able to encourage others similarly.

You are right that expecting twins is a stressful time especially.

If we are concentrating when we can on prayer and the Scriptures, then the daily stresses of life in the end are put into context. Glad you managed to quit smoking, but really I wouldn't beat yourself up if you have an occasional cigarette (although when pregnant or around children is not a good idea!); you don't seem legalistic; some Christians do get legalistic about such things.