I made promises to God while being insane that i cant follow :(

[stanilovesGod]

Friends, first i want to ask you to forgive me my not so good english. I will try to be as short as possible, not to waste your time in vain.
I am 27 years old and i am suffering from paranoid thoughts as long as i remember myself. I am not diagnosed az paranoid schizophrenic but i get in episodes from time to time when i dont think straight. I usually suffer for extreme paranoia that something or someone will try to hurt me or my family. I also suffer from memory problems- i have hard time finding difference between what really happened and what my paranoid thoughts are trying to make me think happened.
So to the point, i've always tried to be good in my life. I've never stolen anything, never hurted or insulted someone (except when i was confronted during my paranoid episodes, that i did insulted people) I am willing to pay for that, but apart from that i've always helped other people when i can, i gave homless people money, helped animals and so on. I am not saying this in order to praise myself, just want to let you know i am not a bad person, but when my paranoid episodes kick in i become uncontrolable.
I was episode free lately and i managed to do sucess in my career. Eventually, my paranoia started to kick in making me change emails, change passwords all the time, deleting accounts and so on. This started to have huge impact on my work and i was about to get fiered. The only weapon i have in the past is to swear that i will stop doing this or that or something bad will happen. When i give such a promise, i was able to hold to my insanity. However during my time i was breaking those promises alot due to my condition and later, replaced them with new ones. Its a never ending cycle. I always blame breaking my promises to my mental state and i know that is not valid point. Lately my episode kicked in very strong, i tried to promise to God things and i also said to myself that if i break the promise let something bad happened. While in extreme paranoid episode i broke those promises. In the end, while i was in extreme rage and panic and i was about to do something that will cost me my job, i promised to God that i will not abonden this current email that i had to use or if i brake the promise, something bad will happened to my mother and to God himself, like some deadly disease and so on, Ofcourse, i have no right to promise such thing i dont even remember if i promised that but i said that i will not destroy that email or i will someohow damage God and my mother very badly, something like that. I wasnt thinking rationally at that time, i was in extreme rush of panic and delusions. I was unable to keep the promise and less that 20 seconds later i forgot even what was the email i created, my mind started to play tricks on me. I am not sure what i did but i abondend the email. So dont know if i violated the promise or not. I knew it was horrible but i had no control over what was happening. I am so sorry i made such foolish promise. I though after i calmed down that i will let my mom create email for me to use because i felt i have no right to create new once since the last was i promised would be the last. I know this wont work because it was in a way breaking the promise, but otherwise i will be fiered and the situation will be very bad on my. So in order to try to reedeem myself, i promised a bunch other stuff in order to try to repair the first promise. I said that those promises are made with the same power the first one was made in order to redeem it. I promised i will never promise again but i started to forget if i promised anything at all. I ended giving so much promises in order to repair the first promise that this will make my life horrible- i promised things like never to use social media again, never to post photos of me again. All that i did while in extreme panic, trying to redeem myself from breaking the original promise. I fear now that if i break any of my promises, something bad will happen to God (i know that should not be possible but still i fear i will harm him somehow) or to my mom.

All i am asking is, i want all the promises i made to be replaced instead of God or mom to me, so if i harmed them somehow by breaking the promise, i want all the bad things to happen to me, i dont fear that if i have deserved it. But i cant follow all those promises, it basically gone cost me my entire life. I just want those promises destoryed and if anyone has to suffer about it let it be me. I will never give any promise again, i made a mistake, i was under extreme stress and paranoia, but i dont think that is valid excuse. I want to remove those promises and keep on with my life and career, i am willing to take all the bad things i may have caused with them on me, i dont want God or my mom to suffer in anyone since i made the mistake to put theirs lives as guarantee to my stupid promises. I want everyhing to be on me and me alone to pay the price if something bad was really summoned there. Now all my paranoia from someone trying to hurt me went to that i in my insanity hurt God or my mom, two most holly things for me. I cant sleep i think only about that. My crazy mind wants be to do impossible things to redeem myself- like to delete all my pictures, to cut my hair, all kinds of self punishments. I know that's not God that wants them, but my ill mind. I dont want to ruin my entire life just because my crazy mind gave promises that i cannot follow. Please give me an advice

 

[Sabertooth]

TLDR; You can always make a sane promise, now, that you can keep...

 

[CodyFaith]

God loves you. He isn't waiting to swat you like a fly.

Jesus commands us not to swear to God on anything, for we won't know what tomorrow brings. This includes promises, the point is we are not to make any type of oath to God - at all, ever. Even "good" ones - God does not want us swearing things to him.

If you talk to God I don't believe he will hold those oaths against you. God, Jesus, is a chain breaker. You are not a slave to anything if you are his child, this includes promises you made to him that are burdening you. God is not going to hurt your mother. He is not going to hurt you. The only chains you have right now are the make belief ones you are creating for yourself.

Just let go and live your life. Life is too short here, all your focus is on these things instead of loving God and your neighbor, instead of finding peace and resting in God's grace. God does not want that. You aren't even in your 30's yet... do you want the rest of your 20's and your 30's wasted by fears? I know you don't.

Get to know Jesus better. Read the New Testament. Jesus is not about law and commands we are to follow like robots, but grace, mercy and peace.

If you believe in Jesus, if you trust his sacrifice as payment for all your sins: past, present and future, you recieve eternal life and are a child of God. God would never treat anyone the way you are thinking he would, let alone his own children.

 

[CodyFaith]

.

 

[stanilovesGod]

Thank you for your quick replies good people. I have always find God as my harbor against my mental problems, and now i felt that i betrayed him too. But i do understand, God is not about revenge. I know deep down he knows what i am suffering through with this mental paranoia issues, and he knows i never meant any harm to him or to my loved ones. Again, i am not afraid about me, i am willing to take full responsibillity about my promises, although given in moments of not pure sanity. I dont want to give more promises, and putting at risk having another mental breakdown to break them too. All i want is God to forgive me that i dared to put His name and that of my mother as guarantees for a promises that i broke due to my instabillity. Thats all, i am not afraid to be punished if i deserved it, i dont want anyone else to suffer because of my promises
I know God will understand, just as you people here do. Thank you

 

[Jeshu]

I know God will understand, just as you people here do. Thank you

Always understand that God wants to save us from our sins and shortcomings. So if you have made a promise that you cannot keep then God wants to save you from that promise not punish you because you done that.

The trick is to look at Jesus dying for your sins and thanking Him for saving your life - also from your gone bad promises. For then you will become thankful towards God saving you time and again instead of dread Him.

As someone who suffers from a mental illness i know how easy it is to make a promise that you can't keep or in some other way offend God. Looking at forgiveness through Christ makes us love Jesus for salvation instead of fear God's damnation.

Consider seeing a doctor and getting some medications that can make a world of difference to quell paranoid thoughts.

God bless you.

(1 John 4, all the best fear is a hard one!)

Get out of me fear, you hear!

I hope you will grow strong against fear
fear is a true enemy my dear,
for when trouble comes near
and the lie gets us to fall for fear
then Jesus doesn't all to often appear

rather we shed many a worried tear
when all our hopes and dreams disappear
and that dragon hurting us with fire to sear!!!
grilling us without mercy for many a year!!!
for fear knows no trust in God my dear.

So when you get scared once more
and the fire burn you so very sore
Ask Jesus to help you in your distress
Admit that you did crash

And then stand up and say to your fear
Hey you never again come near
You better listen well you hear
For My Lord Jesus will appear!
He'll throw you right out of me
so I'll be free in His love to be!

Going to walk with Him every day
Eat dust Satan go away!

 

[stanilovesGod]

Jeshu, thanks for the kind words. They do make me feel better. The world i live in i am unable to find the understanding like i find here. What i work and do is in a way making other people feel better in their lifes. I've always tried to be professional and never show the outside world my mental problems. So far i've managed to live with that. I probably gonna visit a specialist. I feel guilty, guilty that i used God or my loveones as a stake for promises that i cant realistically achieve. Because if i follow that promises, i have to leave my job, not only that will ruin my life and my family, but also the people that i work for and i know i am helping. I KNOW very well that God does not want that. He never made me promise anything. I feel bad to myself and i want to self punish myself, i dont know how though. I do understand i have to ask for forgivnes and i do, but not to save myself, to save other that i may have hurt by putting them in my promises, including God himself. Something like "I swear in my children's life that i will do that and that" although saying it while in mental shock state. Instead in children i used God and my mom, i know i shouldn't have i regret it so much, i want to trade them for me so if i've caused anything it to come to me not to someone esle that has nothing to do.

This is what hurts me, that i used other people in my promises, not because i wanted them to suffer instead of me, because i knew that if i say "i promise in my life" it wont work because i've done that hundreds of times before, i've sacrificed my self way to much in my privious promises and it wasn't enough stimulation to try to confront my weak mind. I would never do that now in clear mind. I know he will forgive me, and he wont punish someone else , or me, even though i am ready to take the blame. I just need time to heal myself mentally from what i said, even though not in full sanity.

 

[Sabertooth]

With all of your self-condemnation, did you read my link in the second post? (It is in Bulgarian.)

 

[Jeshu]

Jeshu, thanks for the kind words. They do make me feel better. The world i live in i am unable to find the understanding like i find here. What i work and do is in a way making other people feel better in their lifes. I've always tried to be professional and never show the outside world my mental problems. So far i've managed to live with that. I probably gonna visit a specialist. I feel guilty, guilty that i used God or my loveones as a stake for promises that i cant realistically achieve. Because if i follow that promises, i have to leave my job, not only that will ruin my life and my family, but also the people that i work for and i know i am helping. I KNOW very well that God does not want that. He never made me promise anything. I feel bad to myself and i want to self punish myself, i dont know how though. I do understand i have to ask for forgivnes and i do, but not to save myself, to save other that i may have hurt by putting them in my promises, including God himself. Something like "I swear in my children's life that i will do that and that" although saying it while in mental shock state. Instead in children i used God and my mom, i know i shouldn't have i regret it so much, i want to trade them for me so if i've caused anything it to come to me not to someone esle that has nothing to do.

This is what hurts me, that i used other people in my promises, not because i wanted them to suffer instead of me, because i knew that if i say "i promise in my life" it wont work because i've done that hundreds of times before, i've sacrificed my self way to much in my privious promises and it wasn't enough stimulation to try to confront my weak mind. I would never do that now in clear mind. I know he will forgive me, and he wont punish someone else , or me, even though i am ready to take the blame. I just need time to heal myself mentally from what i said, even though not in full sanity.

Eat grace dear fellow sufferer. As much grace as you can fill yourself up with. God loves you to learn from your mistakes and not walk around with a life full of guilt and shame from the past. He loves you to find freedom from your own sins and shortcomings.

Have you tried supplementing your condition? i use vitamin B3 or Niacin - 2000 mg of the stuff - and found that my anxiety has been much reduced because of that as well as my psychotic mind. (i also take a little anti-psychotic and find that this helps a lot dealing with paranoia and hallucinations.)

God has made help available, you be well advised to seek some of that out for yourself.

God bless you with inner peace.

 

[stanilovesGod]

Sabertooth, now i read it, i now understand what you mean. Jeshu, thank you too, believe it or not Sabertooth, i have different vision of things now than 20 minutes ago.

 

[durangodawood]

....All i am asking is, i want all the promises i made to be replaced instead of God or mom to me, so if i harmed them somehow by breaking the promise, i want all the bad things to happen to me, i dont fear that if i have deserved it. But i cant follow all those promises....

As i read your message, I see that there is a part of you that watches your mind playing tricks on yourself. That part of you also obviously cares about yourself and your family. That is the more real you, who cares about people and desires good things. I believe it is possible to strengthen your identification with that real part of you, even as you are watching your mind play its games. If you believe in God, then God can help with that.

 

[stanilovesGod]

Friends, thanks to me reaching to this forum, i managed to find other people suffering from the very same thing. ITs called OBsessive compulsive disorder- OCD, there are even topics about vows, oaths and promises about people with OCD. Now i never had been diagnosed, i was never seen specialist before, but what i read about this order is exactly the same that is troubling me in my life- things like constantly checking locks, security, changing passwords, following "rituals" and giving oaths and promises out of nowhere and with no reason. When i gave that promise in pure panic about not creating another email. i was not thinking straight. I know very well that i need email in order to work basically to do anything, but i wasn't thinking rationally. I gave an promise that "If i create another email, something bad will happen to God and my mom". I never wanted to promise it, it just popped into my head as a tought that eventually became reallity in my head. And in order for me to destroy that promise, my brain started inventing other prmoises like never to post photos, or stuff like that in order to prevent the first promise and to save God and loved one's from my imaginary promise. Now i ended up following both the original promise and the promise i gave to try to destory the original promise. I do realize that its my mental problems that are causing this and when i read about it its the exactly same sypmtoms with OCD- constant fear that something bad will happen and rituals and oaths from the sufferers trying to calm themselves. I understand its my mental issues that are causing this, but i also believe it was ment to be that way. Tonight, i found out new things for God, and thanks to He guiding me to come here i read that there are other people suffering the same mental problem with constantly and even unwilingly giving promises that they never really wanted to. I really think its for the best i will wiill be better person for future. I know my mental state wont heal overnight but i think i found soulmates here. I will be around, THank you i am a lot calmer now and will be able to sleep better hopefully

 

[gaara4158]

Do you have access to help from mental health professionals? Online support groups are good at providing comfort and solidarity, but a therapist could really help you unpack everything that you’re feeling and explore ways to minimize your episodes. There is no shame in seeking help, stanilovesGod. I hope you find the help you need.

 

[stanilovesGod]

My parents are doctors, not psychiatrists though. I've managed to survive without medication for now. I am 27, i had my first episodes when i was 7- i was having this episode that if i accidantelly step on other kid's foot, and the kid doesnt step on my foot, my parents will die. For me that was so real i was leaving in fear. But usually, it goes away on its own. I had multipy episodes in my life- i believed once someone changed my fingerprint files with someone elses, i believed in the past that the entire world will be doomed if i dont do this or that, i believed that my closest family members are against me. I never made that outside of me though, i know deep inside me this is just my unstable mind. So i am managing so far to live normally. But i am always under stress. I dont want to start medicine, because i fear it may weaken my personal resistance against whatever mental ilness i've got. And one day when medication stops working i may go completely insane.
The latest fear i have is that i broke promise that i made while i was in extreme stres. I've broken hundreds of promises in my life due to my condition, because i make sometimes impossible to follow promises. I've read in this forum that OCD- obsessive compulsive disorder- makes people unwiliingly creating promises to God or any thing they find dear to them that they cant hold up to.
So since i've made promises to God so many times and they never seem to work with me, i while in shock make promise that this will be my last email that i create or if not something bad will happen to God himself and to my mother, which i curently find most dear human to me. Now i never reallized what i said, i never meant it in reallity. After i created the email i forgot which email exactly i created since i have already made so many. My subconscious was telling me that certain email was my last but my mental disorder made me doubt my own mind so i abondend and deleted not the entire email but a certain channel of that email. I regreted it at the moment, but tehnically what i believed i promised was never to create another email, i dont remember to have said that i wont delete the channel linked to the email, i only said that i wont create another one, but i am not so sure. So, i finally gave up on my security issues- i let my mom create email for me and i ever didnt allow her to give me the password- only she knows it. So by sacrificing the security of my account, something i never done in my life, i was believing that i am showing God that i am sorry and i am ready to give up this security issue and i am ready to take all the blame on my, i dont want anything bad to happen to God or my mother or anyone i may have accidentally involved in my promise. I know, and God knows, i will never attentionally make someone else suffer because of me. However, i was starting to doubdt that abondening the email was already done and the promise is taking action. I know this is just my mind. I know God is forgiving and i dont have control to make such promises. I know i wasn't thinking straith. However my mental condition is trying to invent new promises like to cut off my hair or to hurt myself in order to take everything on me, like to sacrifice myself because i involved other people in my promise. I know this is crazy. I know God knows i am willing to take responsabillity if i really caused something despite being mentally ill. I read a link fellow forum member from here gave me- i have to admit although i believe in God i was never that religious in my life. But i know this came for a reason to give up my security issues that was ruining my career. Now i am lot more calm and i dont care about someone trying to hack my accounts, instead i fear i caused something bad with my promise and alhough i know all i have to do is ask for forgivness, my restless mind simply wants me to do more and more. Again, i am holding ground, i am trusting in the Lord and that he will forgive me, i even forgive myself in a way because i know i wanst clear- minded back tham, but i just feel guilty. I ve never hurt anyone in my life, never. All i have is my disorder making me give foolish promises i cant simply follow But i am fighting it, and am very thankfull for your kind words, they do help.

 

[stanilovesGod]

Now i just want to say, i do realize my mind is playing tricks on me. All i need to do is, to get rid of my stupid security issues that let to breaking my promise, to get rid of giving promises again beacuse its wrong, and to ask God not just for forgivnes but i ask him if i caused something bad to someone else with my mental promises i want to take it on me, and if something else has to happen let it be on me, i dont want it but i am ready, that what my prayers are. I wont hurt myself because its a sin, also i know this is so stupid thing to do for some foolish OCD driven promise i would otherwise never make..

 

[Mountainmanbob]

It's a sign of maturity once we know that we do not make promises to God. If we've done it in the past Let It Go but, do not repeat.

M-Bob

 

[Sabertooth]

i dont want it but i am ready, that what my prayers are.

If you read that link that I gave you, you would realize that that isn't necessary, nor is it what God wants from you. When you realize that you made a mistake, He just wants you to

1. Recognize what you did wrong,
2. Tell Him that you are sorry,
3. Try not to do it again, and
4. Let Him wash it from you.

Every. Single. Time.

Taking on the punishment, yourself (other than natural consequences), does not help you get better in any way.

This will be an uphill battle for someone with OCD, but God promises to help you, if you ask Him to. (I'm autistic.)

Read in your Bulgarian Bible 1 John 1:9, and memorize it! (Put that OCD to good use!)

 

[stanilovesGod]

Sabertooth yes, i read it. I will also read that, by the way i have no promblem reading it in english but in my native language will be better since the Bible may have words that are harder to understand in normal day to day language.
I understand that i have no right to take punish on myself since i am just human who is born to make mistakes. I understand its up to God. And i understand all those thoughts that are making me feel depressed now do not come from God but from my mental situation. Taking conversations with people like you in the forum make me feel much better, which is why i may repeat myself. You know that OCD or whatever mentall issue i have wont just let go and i have to have strong faith and help from others (like you friends here). I will never promise anything again, i wont do that mistake. I am telling him that i am sorry almost every time i think about that which is a lot. The enviroment i live in is totally different though, if i mention what i am going though, i wont find the words i find here. Most people i have to deal with in my work and enviroment wont give a damn about promises to God, atleast whats what i think, they will say it something in my head and to to sweat about it. Not to mention people i know that have done so much evil in their lives and they live so guilty-free like nothing ever happened. So if i try to search help from them not only they will not provide it but they may turn against me as well for being weak. Also i dont want to trouble my close once with my mental state since we have enough problems already. So here is right now the only place i find some support It really helps me i was in shock few days ago now i am lot more calm, after i read your link, after i found out there are other poeple that have done same think with broken promises due to their condition. So pardon me if i overrepeat myself as if i dont understand what you are saying, i do, unfortunatelly it will probably take time for me to heal from something that in someone else's eyes may seem like nothing, just OCD triggered promise, for me it was dramatic.

 

[Sabertooth]

I will never promise anything again,...

Is that a promise...?

 

[stanilovesGod]

I will do my best to be a better person, and i will TRY not to promise again, and i will try to fight my condition, but i am just human and i know i may sin again, although i never have 4 full days of never giving a single promise in years- which is atleast good start So its not a promise, but i got what you mean Never say never!