I Left Her.. I'm Still In Shock

[nb408]

It's been over a month since I decided to abruptly walk away from this relationship with no real explanation. It ended with a series of texts and me asking "You don't think I'm hurting?" and her reply saying, "I don't know what you don't tell me. But, I'm sorry that you are. I'll give you some space." Since then she hasn't tried contacting me or even showed any interest in what I'm going through..

Why did I decide to leave her so suddenly? To be honest at the time I didn't even fully understand why. Who am I kidding, even now I don't fully understand why. But I had such a strong urge in my gut to do it. As if it was screaming at me. Like an internal instinct and I finally chose to follow it. Was this God's way of trying to tell me something? I'll try my best to sum up what happened in this relationship and I'm still trying to process what happened over a month later. Which is why I'm posting this, i'd really appreciate some advice or feedback as maybe someone has gone through something similar.

For over a year I've been investing so much of my life into her. Giving her everything I am and willing to sacrifice any amount of time I had just to be with her. In spite of the fact that she would constantly talk about her male best friend. I would see her investing more into him than she did into me. I knew that she would talk to guys she previously dated when we were together. People I don't know at all. I didn't care, I just hoped one day she would care for me the way I knew that she can. Because frankly, she didn't need me for anything and many times I just felt like I was a burden to her.

After 8 months of being together she wanted to be friends. This hurt so bad because it was so sudden. I wanted to know what I did wrong? So I told her I will be friends but I can't do it right away. I'd need time.. 5 months later, I still wasn't ready but work forced us to talk again. I still loved her just as much as when I was dating her. We started talking again and for 2 months we would text back and forth and hang out as friends. It was so hard for me. Almost torture knowing that she didn't feel the same way about me. To go from that type of intimacy to nothing. Just knowing that things were different.. About a month in I told her how I feel. About how I never got over her, how I still love her. But she said she has nothing to give. That even if she finds a relationship with someone else it has nothing to do with me. That made no sense to me.. How can it have nothing to do with me when I'm right here willing to offer you everything I am?

Then about a week later she started to cuddle with me. From there it escalated. I did not initiate and I even asked if she's sure about it. For two days it was as if we were back in a relationship again. Then out of nowhere, she became distant again. It felt the same way it did when we were together. It was like she was hiding something. The entire relationship, day in and day out, it felt like she was hiding something. To feel that again.. I couldn't take it anymore. After that night I would only reply to her texts out of kindness. I would stop making time for her and stop visiting her altogether. Which led to the text messages that are quoted at the beginning of this thread.

This is going to sound bad but this is how I honestly feel. I want her to hurt. I want her to feel the pain of not having me around. I want her to miss me and show me that she cares. This whole relationship has been me giving her everything I am. I can't trust her. What hurts the most is the fact that everything I am isn't good enough. That everything I am was overlooked and used. That she constantly chose others over me. That I was always an option.. I hate to say it, and I pray that i'll be able to forgive her one day. But it would bring me peace of mind to know that she's suffering. That she finally sees the error of her ways. I know I'm not perfect, and I wish this could've ended better but I can't help it. I even told her that the only way I can let her go is if she pushes me away. I love her too much to say I'm done. This is over. Because even by saying that I'm not over her. So I'm forced to leave it in limbo until she pushes me away. Because I know I deserve better. I deserve to be loved the way that I was designed to be loved. Until she can offer me the love that I know I deserve I have to distance myself from her. This pain that i've lived with for over a year is to much. I'm finally starting to build up my own value and self worth. After being walked on like that I'm literally building from scratch. From seeing no value in myself to nothing but value.

Was I right in handling it this way? I saw no other option at the time.. Even now, I can't be with someone who isn't willing to love me back. Being left in limbo like this felt the exact same way as it did those 5 months I tried to get over her.

 

[Sam91]

How old are the two of you. I can't figure it out and her age makes a difference in what I can guess at

 

[nb408]

How old are the two of you. I can't figure it out and her age makes a difference in what I can guess at

We're both 26. She's the first person I've dated while she's dated many people before me.

 

[Sam91]

She could just not be that into you.

She may enjoy the attention of having someone feel those things for her. It might boost her self esteem. She may be a narcissist or just naive. You say there is a disparity of effort, she may be not thinking of your needs through being selfish or naive due to being young or how she has been taught to think by society.

On the other hand you may have unhealthy boundaries through your own need to be loved. In my opinion we are not supposed to put that much of ourselves into each other. It's idolatry but could also end up as a toxic relationship.

My advice would be to find other things to do and gain enjoyment from. Find your identity in Christ and gain fulfilment in Him and in serving others. If you have wounds let them heal. God bless you brother.

 

[Sam91]

We're both 26. She's the first person I've dated while she's dated many people before me.

If she is 26 she may still be a little naive. I was at that age. Thought I knew it all though lol. How much does she think of other people's needs before her own? How much does she understand other people's actions?

I do think you're better thinking of other things for a while. You might meet someone who is ready to give 50/50 if you're not pining after something that has not worked up until now.

Night night. (It's late here).

 

[nb408]

Sounds like an unequal yoke and God is sparing you the consequences by prompting you to withdraw.
Your description of your experiences sounds very much on an emotional level with nothing significant going on spiritually.
Press into God and get your life renewed in Him first and then the journey to a life partner will be less complicated and much more blessed.
Are you in good supportive fellowship?

I'm around Christians all the time but no. We don't ask about that stuff, nor do I come forward and tell people this is what I'm struggling with. All I have is my mom to talk to about it.

 

[Carl Emerson]

I'm around Christians all the time but no. We don't ask about that stuff, nor do I come forward and tell people this is what I'm struggling with. All I have is my mom to talk to about it.

Make the journey towards Him your first priority and He will sort out your emotional issues. "Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you... Be accountable to believers you trust and pray with them. Ask Him who they should be. A life partner is a huge issue that can make or break you so concentrate on getting clean and strong in Him first. I waited 10 years on the wrong lady. Then He cut across that and led me to my wife 35 years and 5 children ago - engaged in three weeks, married in three months - so I speak from some experience.

 

[bèlla]

I recollect your story and my advice. I think you’ve made the right choice. I don’t think its ideal to make someone your orbit as others mentioned. There’s always an imbalance.

As you gain experience you’ll be wiser and learn the ideal proportion of give and take. Unfortunately, its one of those things we have to muddle through. It gets better. Some require more than others and you’ll learn what that means in time.

 

[Tempura]

Brother, everyone saying "it gets better" is right. I should know.

Imagine the most pathetic, insecure poster boy for co-dependency, whose love for women was always twisted and desperate and full of endless speculation and painful unquenchable needs without boundaries, who only wanted to be healed by the love he gave in a sick hope that the same love would return, who became a self-destructive and self-hating drunk to the point of absolute collapse of mental health. If the image in your mind isn't pathetic enough, go deeper, and you'll find me in my twenties up to my mid-thirties. There I am, in the past, full of remorse, hate, passion, desire, desperation, beating myself down with all of it because I couldn't get any relief from my memories and experiences with certain women, it was like a movie playing inside my head and I couldn't shut it off. Say hello to my earlier self, and if he responds with vulgar language, don't mind him, the poor bastard has no idea what he's doing as he's insane. Just don't give him booze or pills.

I had no mature understanding what a relationship with a man and a woman should be like. I was constantly led by fiery but desperate emotion fueled by my own brokenness. I did not properly know where I end and where the other one begins. I would've claimed that I did know, because who wouldn't understand a basic concept like that, but in actual experience I didn't know. Everything was projection, and if I perceived anything negative, even in the women, I would take it on myself. I didn't know what else to do. If I perceived pain or discomfort, I took it. It was "ours", so it was mine. If there was "us", it was "me". If something broke in us, something broke in me. I carried all this and I thought it was love. Why wouldn't it be love, since I took everything, all pain and misery on myself, and since I felt this fire? I thought I did everything I could. And when I didn't get that "sacrifice" back, in my heart I held it against these women. One moment they were at the highest pedestal, and a moment later they were in the lowest pits imaginable, it always fluctuated and shifted. "What about me? Why can't you take my heart and fix it? Why are you doing this to me? WHY CAN'T ANYONE LOVE ME"

Of course I'm not suggesting that you're like me, I went straight into the deep end and I had numerous other issues too, but if this incoherent ramble rang any bells, let me know if you feel like talking. I'm a lot better now if you're wondering. Many tough lessons in the way, but the toughest are the best ones. Acceptance will come, maturity will come, strength will come, peace will come. Thank God for that.

 

[Angeleyes7715]

When I read her original response it strikes me as flippant. I don't know her, but when I read it I immediately pictures one of the college girls I went to school with that broke up with their boyfriend strictly because they didn't want to limit themselves and miss out on things in college. Which to me in real speak means I want to full around with other guys and get attention and I'm not done doing what I want yet.

Her response of I'll give you space isn't really what someone who cares actually says usually. It seems more like I want space and time to do my own thing.

It sounds like you are way more invested in this person than they are you but then again I could be projecting.

 

[Nicholina]

You made the right choice. The only thing is the way you handled it.Be sure to treat her kindly and with love. Meaning, do not attempt to hurt her or retaliate. That makes you equal in sin. Lovingly, kindly, leave her to her sinful ways and trust in God to eventually bring you a Godly woman the deserves your devotion.