I just want to be in control of me again

[Destiny2009]

Hello,

I have never SI befored but I have struggled with the thought of doing it. I have tried before in the past but failed. I feel like I blend/fade into the backround. I feel like cutting is the only thing that I could be in control of for once I want to be in control of what happens to me and my body. I haven't had that since I was a lil gurl. I am almost at the point where I want to be numb emtionally but I feel like the opposite. Everyday I am outside of my home I am happy and smiley and at night sometimes I cry. It's not even so much that I want to cut it's just that for once I want to be truly heard....My head hurts....I'm tired....Im just going to go to sleep soon. Typing all of this has helped...I'm starting to feel better...Even if no one hears me or understand I know God at least hears me even thought it doesn't feel like he always understands though.

 

[TheAnimal]

Hello,

I have never SI befored but I have struggled with the thought of doing it. I have tried before in the past but failed. I feel like I blend/fade into the backround. I feel like cutting is the only thing that I could be in control of for once I want to be in control of what happens to me and my body. I haven't had that since I was a lil gurl. I am almost at the point where I want to be numb emtionally but I feel like the opposite. Everyday I am outside of my home I am happy and smiley and at night sometimes I cry. It's not even so much that I want to cut it's just that for once I want to be truly heard....My head hurts....I'm tired....Im just going to go to sleep soon. Typing all of this has helped...I'm starting to feel better...Even if no one hears me or understand I know God at least hears me even thought it doesn't feel like he always understands though.

I know other self harmers who feel like this. Particularly if there are several events occurring in their life which they can't control, they turn to cutting for precisely the reason you mentioned, it is something they can control. You aren't alone, and although this was never my reason, I think I can understand it.

If you think i can help with anything don't hesitate to PM me, sometimes talking to someone is all you need.

 

[Destiny2009]

Thanks for replying I appreciate it, and thanks for extending the invition to PM you as well. I will be sending one to you.

 

[bliz]

May I gently suggest that you need to change you goal? Instead of trying to be in control, why not turn the control over to God?

 

[Destiny2009]

I never really thought about it just like that, like when I feel this way I never honestly thought about just turning it over to God usually during that time I am trying to take and be in control. But that is a good point and something that I need to work on.