I hurt my cat and I feel horrifically guilty

[LaundrySoap]

Title says it all. My kitten is a few months old and she's a little terror; I try to make sure she has plenty of toys to play with, I turn on TV for cats for her, and I play with her, but I also have to get my own chores done. But she constantly gets underfoot and bites and scratches me when I'm trying to work at my desk or in my kitchen. And a couple of times I've kicked her, not very hard but enough to make her shake her head. And one time she was barreling into the bathroom and I let her get bonked by the door as I was closing it.
The door incident and one of the times I kicked her, it just happened really fast, like when I kicked her I wasn't really paying too much attention to where my foot was, but I guess I sort of half-meant to kick her if that makes any sense. And with the door, it took me by surprise that she was coming in and I gasped and was startled, but I should have paused one second and made sure she didn't get hurt, but I didn't. And then one time I was sitting in my chair, she was attacking my feet, and so I used my foot to shove her kind of hard into the wall.
I'm pretty sure the cat is fine. She is still active and she still wants to wrestle with me and she still asks for my attention. But I just feel so absolutely wretched over these incidents. Little bonks, here and there, that aren't, like, horrible, but also weren't an accident.
I have such a horrible guilt over it; I've prayed for forgiveness and I'm so conscious of how I treat my cat, but I feel as if I need to confess this to my boyfriend (who does not own the cat, only visits her). Which doesn't make any sense, I don't understand why I feel like I need to confess to him; would I need to confess to every other boyfriend I might ever have? I don't think so, but I just feel so wretched and undeserving of his love because of this. And I'm scared to even tell my therapist about this.
I posted this in General Stuggles but also posting this in the OCD section because of the confessing aspect.

 

[LaundrySoap]

There was another incident I forgot about, but I was eating a peanut butter and chocolate chip sandwich, I ate half and left it on my desk where the cat could reach; I knew chocolate is poisonous to her, but I didn't put it away, and then I forgot about it. And then I came home a few hours later and saw it and it looked like she ate some and I freaked out and called the vet and watched her carefully and stayed up with her. She's fine, again, but I was replaying that incident trying to figure out what on earth was going through my head.

Sometimes, too, I think about killing myself because I feel so bad; I don't think seriously about this, i wouldn't actually do it, because I feel it's also a sin and it would hurt those around me even more. But I'm just feeling so absolutely awful.

 

[Blade]

Those feelings are not of God do not listen to them. There is no condemnation to them in Christ Jesus even in this. Some have done far worse then what you did so.. forgive yourself and move on. Kitty needs you Not what you did but what you will do now. Let allow Christ to help you..don't take this all on your self. The song playing is "How Far by Tasha Layton". no matter how far away form home I am thats how far your love will go.

Your not alone.. it hurts but forgive your self. So flip all this and LOVE that kitty Then any time that thought feelings comes..now you know and with His help you will say no I will LOVE even more! If you think its a sin then tell HIM.. just say sorry and KNOW He forgives you so you do the same and forgive your self. YOU are so loved. Don't let the enemy steal your joy. Don't stay in this moment

 

[Tolworth John]

Sometimes, too, I think about killing myself because I feel so bad; I don't think seriously about this, i wouldn't actually do it, because I feel it's also a sin and it would hurt those around me even more. But I'm just feeling so absolutely awful.

There are lots of issues here.

Cats like all creature need to learn the rules, learnhow to behave with others, if as a result she learns not to bite no harm has been done.

Feelings of guilt, you have to forgive yourself, you cannot live your life grieving over a sandwhich left out etc.

Sucicidal thoughts like all intrusive thoughts, just acknowledge them and move on.

 

[Brad D.]

I believe one of the most liberating things we can do is just sit in the humility of who we are in moments like these, stare it head on, and dare not move from the light that is shown. Learn to sit in the blood of Christ for where you are not, and embrace the cross for where Christ wants to take you.

This will not be your last mistake, and neither will it be mine. So what are we going to do? If we are waiting on our own perfection for our peace, good luck! it will never come. The Lord will break us from this.

The Holy Spirit once mercifully showed me an image of a juggler in my minds eye and as long as the juggler could keep all the balls up in the air he was at peace, but eventually more balls were added into his circumstance so that he was never able to keep them up. And just as soon as he was able to get them back up yet once again, once again they would come crashing to the ground. I was that juggler. And the message was that my life was never going to be so perfect in my circumstances, and I was never going to find so much perfection in myself that the balls could always be kept in the air.

No, rather what God showed me was this was going to take faith, bearing both the imperfections and weaknesses of myself, and the imperfections of my circumstances, and all the trials and sufferings thereof, putting it all in His all powerful hands, accepting where I was not, trusting where He was taking me, and maybe most importantly of all trusting the Processes He was allowing to get me there!

He is working it all to His good. Being filled with all of this debilitating self consciousness is often worse than the problem. One of the most disarming things we can do to both Satan and the perfection our self life wants to feel in itself , is simply not run from or become worked up about our mistakes. Rather in that moment sit in the light be still and say " you know that may be true, I did make a mistake, I'm not perfect, You are right, but I will put my trust in the Lord that He will get me to where I need to be. Praise God let it be!"

 

[Mari17]

There was another incident I forgot about, but I was eating a peanut butter and chocolate chip sandwich, I ate half and left it on my desk where the cat could reach; I knew chocolate is poisonous to her, but I didn't put it away, and then I forgot about it. And then I came home a few hours later and saw it and it looked like she ate some and I freaked out and called the vet and watched her carefully and stayed up with her. She's fine, again, but I was replaying that incident trying to figure out what on earth was going through my head.

Sometimes, too, I think about killing myself because I feel so bad; I don't think seriously about this, i wouldn't actually do it, because I feel it's also a sin and it would hurt those around me even more. But I'm just feeling so absolutely awful.

I totally understand how you feel! I have always obsessed about hurting others, and hyper-analyzed my actions and felt terrible for things I did that I felt were on purpose. My opinion is that you should talk to your therapist about it, because then he/she can help you treat it. Is your therapist trained in treating OCD?

 

[LaundrySoap]

Thanks for the replies everyone; I am doing better. mari: my therapist does know how to treat OCD; not sure if I wanna tell her about this incident but maybe I will tell her about the general feeling.

 

[Mari17]

Thanks for the replies everyone; I am doing better. mari: my therapist does know how to treat OCD; not sure if I wanna tell her about this incident but maybe I will tell her about the general feeling.

Thank you for the update! I'm so glad to know that you are doing better!

 

[LaundrySoap]

Small update: the cat is almost a year old and is the sweetest kitty ever. (Except she's still a little bitey.)
I've just been mentally reviewing stuff and I still feel horrible. When I first found her she was 1.2lbs and a stray, she was meowing and running away but obviously needed help. When I finally caught her after chasing her in the grass for a long time I grabbed her by the tail. I knew in the moment it was a bad move, and she bit me and I had to go to the ER. I was worried about it thar same night, and when we initially surrendered her to the humane society for her rabies quarantine I looked at her tail and it didn't really look limp? Also in pictures of that night she has it wrapped around her as she's curled up in a box.
But when I took her home 10 days later, she had a kink in the base of her tail, which I didn't notice until months later as she got bigger. Vet says it's fine, but I feel so horrible knowing I likely caused that.

This, and the entire above thread, plays into my confession OCD, like for some reason I feel the need to spill all this to my bf. Even though if I were to date someone new I probably wouldn't tell him.

Ugh.

 

[Mari17]

Small update: the cat is almost a year old and is the sweetest kitty ever. (Except she's still a little bitey.)
I've just been mentally reviewing stuff and I still feel horrible. When I first found her she was 1.2lbs and a stray, she was meowing and running away but obviously needed help. When I finally caught her after chasing her in the grass for a long time I grabbed her by the tail. I knew in the moment it was a bad move, and she bit me and I had to go to the ER. I was worried about it thar same night, and when we initially surrendered her to the humane society for her rabies quarantine I looked at her tail and it didn't really look limp? Also in pictures of that night she has it wrapped around her as she's curled up in a box.
But when I took her home 10 days later, she had a kink in the base of her tail, which I didn't notice until months later as she got bigger. Vet says it's fine, but I feel so horrible knowing I likely caused that.

This, and the entire above thread, plays into my confession OCD, like for some reason I feel the need to spill all this to my bf. Even though if I were to date someone new I probably wouldn't tell him.

Ugh.

I get it! I have had similar kinds of obsessions. I'm curious, have you talked to your therapist about this yet?