I Hope I'm Doing the Right Thing

[anewday]

About a month ago I found emails from my husband corresponding with people on Craigslist. There were times to meet, but he said the meetings never happened. One even implied that the meeting would have happened but didn't because I showed up early from work. The emails occurred when I was working hard for the two of us since he had recently walked out of a job (again). He is pretty sorry I found all this out and has since given me access to his phone and emails. I have also physically and emotionally separated myself from him since. I have lost all trust in him, especially because of the emails as well as the many other things he has put me through. My first instinct is to kick him out, but I don't believe in divorce unless physical cheating has happened ( as far as I know it hasn't"). I've been following my gut, which is telling me to stay away from him. I'm miserable but feel safer since I've separated myself from him in this way. Many other things have happened since we were married. We've only been married for a little less than two years and its gone from bad to worse. We went into counceling last year and had to stop when his hours at work got cut in half. One of his bosses threatened to fire him, so it could have been worse. He has been in and out of work since we've been married. A few months ago I left him due to verbal abuse. Apparently the reason he has been talking to other people online is because I will not have a child with him. One of the reasons we got married was in case we had a kid. We only dated for 6 months. Soon after we married, his true colors came out and I have since seen many behaviors I find extremely disturbing. Because of these behaviors I do not want a child with him. I don't wan to put a kid through what I have been through. We are also horrible at communicating with each other so hopefully this second round of councelling will help with that. Need lots of prayers. Thank you.

 

[Postvieww]

Sounds like we need to pray for the salvation of your husband. I have just done that for him and strength and wisdom for you. God Bless.

 

[Bell122855]

About a month ago I found emails from my husband corresponding with people on Craigslist. There were times to meet, but he said the meetings never happened. One even implied that the meeting would have happened but didn't because I showed up early from work. The emails occurred when I was working hard for the two of us since he had recently walked out of a job (again). He is pretty sorry I found all this out and has since given me access to his phone and emails. I have also physically and emotionally separated myself from him since. I have lost all trust in him, especially because of the emails as well as the many other things he has put me through. My first instinct is to kick him out, but I don't believe in divorce unless physical cheating has happened ( as far as I know it hasn't"). I've been following my gut, which is telling me to stay away from him. I'm miserable but feel safer since I've separated myself from him in this way. Many other things have happened since we were married. We've only been married for a little less than two years and its gone from bad to worse. We went into counceling last year and had to stop when his hours at work got cut in half. One of his bosses threatened to fire him, so it could have been worse. He has been in and out of work since we've been married. A few months ago I left him due to verbal abuse. Apparently the reason he has been talking to other people online is because I will not have a child with him. One of the reasons we got married was in case we had a kid. We only dated for 6 months. Soon after we married, his true colors came out and I have since seen many behaviors I find extremely disturbing. Because of these behaviors I do not want a child with him. I don't wan to put a kid through what I have been through. We are also horrible at communicating with each other so hopefully this second round of councelling will help with that. Need lots of prayers. Thank you.

I am sorry you are going through this. I really don't have much advice except to continue counseling, pray, do your part to honor God through all of this and see what happens. I do truly believe God can and does transform people in miraculous ways. I also believe that through these transformations marriages are saved and move from toxic to healthy and happy but it does take work. I never advocate divorce but just remember what Jesus said, if a man even looks at a women with lust he has already committed adultery in his heart (Matthew 5:28). He does need to repent and seek help for that because it is a heart issue and those heart issues don't just go away. A man doesn't seek to be with another woman because his wife won't have children with him, he is seeking to feed his flesh. Unless of course his intention was to get someone pregnant to have a child? I would also question if seeking women online (craigslist or other sites) was something he did prior to meeting you? Were the correspondence of a sexual nature? Where there picture involved? Did he get any personal satisfaction from them? I am not asking you to disclose the answer but they are answers that you need to take seriously, more importantly, he needs to take seriously for it to truly stop. I ask because it is an addiction, a thrill for men and women and it is not one easily broken. I know a lot about this because I served in a ministry for many years that helped women break this cycle. The motivations for hooking up online is different for men then women but I can tell you that there are plenty of women out there ready and willing to have sex with men for free through websites. I will also tell you not to listen to his reasons for doing so if they are placing blame on you for it. So, first, is this a habit he has developed prior to marrying you? Did this just begin? The answer to that makes the difference between an addiction and and a recent poor decision and poor judgment.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I would divorce. He had every intention of physically cheating on you if he could get away with it. He would have exposed you to sexually transmitted diseases. What's to say he won't try it again? So what if he gave you email passwords - he can have accounts you don't know about.

My trust would be broken forever, and even more so because it was only two years of marriage. If it was 10, 15, 20 years - then I would think about working it out. But what's the point here? He was trying to cheat on you, he verbally abuses you, he doesn't contribute financially, and you definitely don't want to have a child with him. You're essentially already on your own.

Maybe counseling will help. But I doubt it. Personally, I believe there are reasons to divorce besides physical infidelity. I don't see anything to salvage here. You can pray that he'll change from dusk til dawn, but that doesn't mean he will.

 

[anewday]

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. A few days ago I told him I miss him, but I am afraid to get close to him again. I've also been daydreaming about getting back with him while at work, but most of those feelings go away when I'm around him. I consider him only a roommate right now.

 

[evoeth]

We've only been married for a little less than two years and its gone from bad to worse.

...

We only dated for 6 months. Soon after we married, his true colors came out and I have since seen many behaviors I find extremely disturbing.

You don't know him, and what you do know of him you don't seem to like.

We are also horrible at communicating with each other so hopefully this second round of councelling will help with that. Need lots of prayers. Thank you.

You don't feel like you can talk to him.

I have lost all trust in him, especially because of the emails as well as the many other things he has put me through.

You don't trust him.

My first instinct is to kick him out, but I don't believe in divorce unless physical cheating has happened ( as far as I know it hasn't"). I've been following my gut, which is telling me to stay away from him.

You don't even feel safe enough to live with him.

But you want to stay married to him?

I am deeply confused.

 

[anewday]

Hello Evoeth,

When the verbal abuse happens, yes, I don't feel safe around him. The last time I brought something serious up, he actually listened and responded in a positive way, which rarely happens, so that gives me hope. I grew up in a family and church where the belief was that the only way to divorce Biblically was because your spouse committed adultery. Of course I know that the subject of divorce is highly controversial, but I do struggle with what to do in my current situation. I only see him as a roommate now and don't see that changing anytime soon. I feel it is my duty to stay married to him because I said I do, but I'm miserable. I hope I sound less confusing.

 

[Dave-W]

New: Did you 2 go thru pre-marital counseling?

 

[anewday]

No Dave, we eloped after about 6 months of dating. I wish we did, because I think I may not have married him and avoided all this heartache. We are going through Councelling now.

 

[Dave-W]

We are going through Councelling now.

I am praying that it will help.

 

[Bell122855]

Have you watched any Jimmy Evans videos about marriage? Just a suggestion, I know you said your going to counseling and that is awesome but sometimes I watch Jimmy Evans speak because it gives me hope that a man truly can change. It is encouraging for those of us who decide to stick with the marriage.

 

[Greatfull]

I prayed for you sister. Lean on the Lord.