"I have to forgive but I don't have to forget."

[BryanJohnMaloney]

"I have to forgive but I don't have to forget."
What ought it mean?
What does it really mean when someone makes the effort to say it to you?

When is bitterness a virtue?

 

[Hank77]

"I have to forgive but I don't have to forget."
What ought it mean?
What does it really mean when someone makes the effort to say it to you?

When is bitterness a virtue?

Forgiveness is not bitter. One can not forget (remember) without being bitter. Sometimes it is very important to remember so that we can protect ourselves from being in the same position again. Lessons learned.

 

[Tolworth John]

"I have to forgive but I don't have to forget."
What ought it mean?
What does it really mean when someone makes the effort to say it to you?

When is bitterness a virtue?

If one cannot or will not forget how can one say that it has been forgiven.

Bitterness is never a virtue, it is a cancer that eates one up.

 

[grasping the after wind]

If one cannot or will not forget how can one say that it has been forgiven.

Bitterness is never a virtue, it is a cancer that eates one up.

This is not an either /or statement. It depends on how it is meant and what the person saying it intends it to mean. If it is said in bitterness then I assume the forgiveness might not be genuine. However, it may just be a statement of reality. We can forgive those that wrong us without being able to then simply trust that they will never wrong us again in the future. There are more ways than one to look at the word forget. I may be able to put the hurt and pain caused by someone that harmed me out of my mind and forgive that person but the knowledge of what that person is capable of remains. So one can forgive and even forget the past harm but will still recall that it occurred. That being said , making a point of saying one will not forget could be a hint that there remains some bitterness there.

 

[Tolworth John]

This is not an either /or statement. It depends on how it is meant and what the person saying it intends it to mean. If it is said in bitterness then I assume the forgiveness might not be genuine. However, it may just be a statement of reality. We can forgive those that wrong us without being able to then simply trust that they will never wrong us again in the future. There are more ways than one to look at the word forget. I may be able to put the hurt and pain caused by someone that harmed me out of my mind and forgive that person but the knowledge of what that person is capable of remains. So one can forgive and even forget the past harm but will still recall that it occurred. That being said , making a point of saying one will not forget could be a hint that there remains some bitterness there.

If someone is saying I can forgive but can't forget. That to me means they have not forgived.

I understand that some hurts cannot or are hard to forget, but the act of remembering of past wrongs risks raising the resentment and lack of forgiveness for that wrong.
If someone has been forgiven for a wrong, why raise that wrong up in conversation.

 

[grasping the after wind]

If someone is saying I can forgive but can't forget. That to me means they have not forgived.

I understand that some hurts cannot or are hard to forget, but the act of remembering of past wrongs risks raising the resentment and lack of forgiveness for that wrong.
If someone has been forgiven for a wrong, why raise that wrong up in conversation.

I think the context of the conversation in which it is said and and the attitude of the person saying it will tell one what the person means by saying it. As i said, making a point of saying it is a telling thing as opposed to just truthfully answering a question when pressed by the party that was wronged. If one were to insist upon asking "You say you forgive me but do you totally forget what i did?" one might get an answer one might not prefer. that is very different from the wronged party making a point of saying " I forgive but I do not forget." And saying "I have to forgive" makes it even more likely that there is resentment and an intention to not only not forget but to hold some sort of grudge. Feeling a duty to forgive is not actual forgiveness as far as I can see.

 

[Tolworth John]

I think the context of the conversation in which it is said and and the attitude of the person saying it will tell one what the person means by saying it. As i said, making a point of saying it is a telling thing as opposed to just truthfully answering a question when pressed by the party that was wronged. If one were to insist upon asking "You say you forgive me but do you totally forget what i did?" one might get an answer one might not prefer. that is very different from the wronged party making a point of saying " I forgive but I do not forget." And saying "I have to forgive" makes it even more likely that there is resentment and an intention to not only not forget but to hold some sort of grudge. Feeling a duty to forgive is not actual forgiveness as far as I can see.

Yes context is everything.

As Christians we do have to forgive other Christians if they repent of the wrong/harm/words they have done/said.
We do not have a choice there.
Where there is no repentance there is no requirement to forgive, but for our own peace of mind we should hand the hurt over to God, asking him for the grace to deal with the situation.

 

[grasping the after wind]

Yes context is everything.

As Christians we do have to forgive other Christians if they repent of the wrong/harm/words they have done/said.
We do not have a choice there.
Where there is no repentance there is no requirement to forgive, but for our own peace of mind we should hand the hurt over to God, asking him for the grace to deal with the situation.

I would not restrict that to only other Christians. Jesus asked the Father to forgive all those that crucified him without any repentance on their part btw. We ask God to forgive us as we forgive others. If we choose to withhold our forgiveness from some then that is the standard we are asking for ourselves.

 

[quatona]

"I have to forgive but I don't have to forget."

You don´t have to forgive. You might want to forgive.

What ought it mean?
What does it really mean when someone makes the effort to say it to you?

I guess what people mean when saying this is: Let go of your grudge, but keep in mind that this person has wronged you, and might do so again - so be cautious.

When is bitterness a virtue?

I don´t consider it a virtue.

 

[Ana the Ist]

"I have to forgive but I don't have to forget."
What ought it mean?
What does it really mean when someone makes the effort to say it to you?

When is bitterness a virtue?

If you forgive someone for a transgression...then you don't hold it over their head or use it to emotionally blackmail them. Those things aren't forgiveness. When I hear someone say "I forgive this but I won't forget about it"...it should mean that they forgive me, but just because they don't bring it up doesn't mean they have forgotten about it.

I've never thought of bitterness as a virtue.

 

[keith99]

I think the context of the conversation in which it is said and and the attitude of the person saying it will tell one what the person means by saying it. As i said, making a point of saying it is a telling thing as opposed to just truthfully answering a question when pressed by the party that was wronged. If one were to insist upon asking "You say you forgive me but do you totally forget what i did?" one might get an answer one might not prefer. that is very different from the wronged party making a point of saying " I forgive but I do not forget." And saying "I have to forgive" makes it even more likely that there is resentment and an intention to not only not forget but to hold some sort of grudge. Feeling a duty to forgive is not actual forgiveness as far as I can see.

There is also circumstances where true forgiveness means not forgetting, but in the same sense as scripture not remembering. The simple case is a friend who did bad things when drunk. Once forgiven it is not remembered, the one who transgressed should not be reminded of it. That is until they seem to be starting down the same road. Then at least as I see it true forgiveness includes trying to prevent them from repeating the error and using all knowledge from before in that attempt. Forgetting and letting them do it again is either foolishness or actual bitterness hoping that this time the sinner will suffer.

 

[possibletarian]

"I have to forgive but I don't have to forget."
What ought it mean?
What does it really mean when someone makes the effort to say it to you?

When is bitterness a virtue?

I think it means exactly what they are saying, that they forgive you because they have to but are not required to forget.

There are of course things that could not realistically be forgotten like driving while drunk and injuring (or worse) someone's child. They may forgive you as in hold no grudge or bitterness, but they are unlikely to forget.

Holding no account I don't believe is the same as holding no memory, which apart from being nearly impossible could be impractical it may mean forgetting whole swathes of your life. To hold no account to me is to not seek retribution for yourself.

 

[DogmaHunter]

"I have to forgive but I don't have to forget."
What ought it mean?
What does it really mean when someone makes the effort to say it to you?

When is bitterness a virtue?

I have a question. Perhaps it is unrelated and perhaps it even deserves its own thread - I'm not sure....

But could you (or someone else) try and explain to me what it means, in practice, to "forgive" someone?

Suppose I wrong you in some way - doesn't even matter wich.
And you "forgive" me. What would then be the practical difference with "not forgiving" me?

 

[loveofourlord]

to me forgetting is wrong and should never be done. We can forgive and move past, but when I see people try to use forget it's usually for the advantage of the one that did harm. An excuse not to be held acountable for their actions. To forget is to risk abuse, god can forgive and forget, we have to live with someone that often will do harm again if he isn't held responsible.

 

[jayem]

As a naturalist, I tend to see things mechanistically. So here's my 2¢:

If you have forgiven, then you no longer have anger, resentment, and a desire for vengeance. You no longer have the emotional response that comes with suffering a painful experience. Functional MRI studies have shown that particular brain regions--especially the hippocampus--are activated in response to emotional stimuli. To forgive, but not to forget means that you can recall the experience, but the memory doesn't trigger the limbic system and other areas of the brain associated with emotions. I'm sure some people can do this to a greater degree than others. But I doubt that many people--if anyone--can do it completely.

http://www.mattbellace.com/three-sides-of-matt/EmotionalMemory.pdf

 

[HannahT]

"I have to forgive but I don't have to forget."
What ought it mean?
What does it really mean when someone makes the effort to say it to you?

When is bitterness a virtue?

To me at times forgiveness is a journey. Little bits and pieces that you can let go of at different times. To me at times its a process.

I had a traumatic experience when I was young. At first I didn't know what to do with all the feelings. I didn't know how to process it. It took a while, and then I got angry. Then little by little I was able to let go of pieces of it.

I'm old at this point, and I hope the person had a good life. I'm sincere in that. I may never be able to completely let go of the experience, but I also know it doesn't have the grasp it once did on my life. Not even close. I was able to find peace with the experience, and the thought of the person.

Forgiveness is for me. It's not for them. For someone to tell me that since I haven't forgotten the experience I show bitterness? Honestly? I would roll my eyes and maybe even giggle under my breath. It's my journey, and I know what is in my heart. I've experienced growth.

Attempting to shame someone because they don't feel they have forgiven to their standards or beliefs? Honestly? I would have to wonder about their capability of it to be honest. lol their approach seems a bit bitter to me! I'll sit back and watch them forgive them for their bitterness, and then see if they forget it. (snickers) Humans I think come down to hard on others, and forget that gentleness - not wrath - is the better approach. Pray for them, and their journey. That has more powers than you judgement on them.

Encouraging someone on their journey, and holding their hand seems to me a more much lovely and healthy approach. Walking through the hills and valleys, and allowing them to find peace in their own way? What an awesome gift. Everyone finds peace in their own ways. I'll admit some won't allow themselves that, and they should pitied. Telling them that their bitterness isn't a virtue? I'm not sure it will accomplish much, except maybe allowing the person to feel their point has been made.

 

[Paradoxum]

I get both side.

I've never found the point relevant to me. If I forgive, normally I should forget. Bringing up old problems seems toxic to oneself and friends/ family.

In the worst of circumstances I see how it could be relevant to remember though.

 

[Cearbhall]

"I have to forgive but I don't have to forget."
What ought it mean?

To me, forgiveness is more about healing after being wronged. It should be encouraged primarily because it's a healthy step for the person who was hurt.

There are some people who try to get away with mistreating others by taking advantage of the concept of forgiveness and twisting it. They want forgiveness to equal forgetting because it's convenient. They gaslight their victims by emphasizing the supposed moral obligation to forgive them. It turns into "Sure, I hurt you, but now you're in the wrong, too, because you haven't forgiven me yet." It shifts the focus off of their own actions. I've been on the receiving end of this.

In addition to this, they act as if their wrongdoings can't be factored into their reputation. If someone brings it up in the future, they accuse that person of being in the wrong, rather than accepting that they aren't entitled to anyone's good opinion.

 

[OldWiseGuy]

There is also circumstances where true forgiveness means not forgetting, but in the same sense as scripture not remembering. The simple case is a friend who did bad things when drunk. Once forgiven it is not remembered, the one who transgressed should not be reminded of it. That is until they seem to be starting down the same road. Then at least as I see it true forgiveness includes trying to prevent them from repeating the error and using all knowledge from before in that attempt. Forgetting and letting them do it again is either foolishness or actual bitterness hoping that this time the sinner will suffer.

I like this. Forgetting is simply not bringing it up (even to others, unless it includes some element of reconciliation, such as admitting one's own responsibility). I have found, having gone through a rather unpleasant divorce years ago, that if I don't think about it I actually forget about it.....but it does take time. When I think about it now I have nothing but pity for the other side, no anger or bitterness.

Time heals all wounds, but can also 'wound all heels'. So always take the high road and you'll have no regrets later.

 

[Soyeong]

"I have to forgive but I don't have to forget."
What ought it mean?
What does it really mean when someone makes the effort to say it to you?

When is bitterness a virtue?

When you forgive that is letting go of bitterness. However, depending on the situation trust can be violated and it can take time to restore trust to what it once was. For example, if someone was responsible for doing something, they neglected their responsibility, and asked for forgiveness, then you should forgive them and release any bitterness, but that does not mean that it is wise to put them back in charge of having the same responsibility until their trust is rebuilt.